Episode Transcript: Pest of the West

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To Save a Squirrel 20,000 Patties Under the Sea

Episode Article: Pest of the West


[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

[edit] Patchy Segment

Patchy: Hi, kids. Today we going to see the SpongeBob special: Pest of the West.

Potty: Pest of the West.

Patchy: Yes. (walks to the living room) Now, the TV. (presses a button. Mike from the movie Monsters, Inc. appears on the television) Not that. (presses another button. A lion appears on TV) Wrong again. (keeps flipping through the channels and grunting. A black and white dinosaur movie comes on, then a blob movie, then a baseball game,then the jungle, then the city. Potty flies over)

Potty: Let me do it!

[edit] Main Story

(episode starts at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Backing up! (walks backward, face to the ground, and imitates a truck backup alarm) Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

Squidward: You're better off not knowing.

SpongeBob: ...boop, boop, boop! (flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir.

Customer: Do you always serve your food this way?

SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse)

Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, the mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!


Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?

SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?

Patrick: Nope. I was only pretending to be my famous Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (a flashback begins with Patrick Revere riding through town)

Patrick Revere: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!

Patrick: (narrating) It's too bad nobody listened to him.

Medieval Fish: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (mollusks come in and both medieval fish scream and run off. Flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.

Patrick: Well, the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.

Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The Spendthrift Billfold System! Allow me to demonstrate. (pulls out what appears to be a dollar bill from his wallet) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?

SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Ah-ah-ah! Watch. (pulls on the dollar and a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See?

SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?

Mr. Krabs: Every time!

SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.

Patrick: Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (bubble-wipe to see SpongeBob standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop)

SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. Sigh I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in making karate-style movements)

Sandy: HI-YAH!

SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy.

Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.

SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?

Sandy: I sure do! My great Aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. (flashback begins with a live-action squirrel standing on top of an oil tower)

Rosie Cheeks: She's ready to blow! (oil spurts out of the ground and Rosie jumps away. Flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.

Sandy: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.

SpongeBob: Well, there was my Uncle Sherm. (pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose)

Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (bubble-wipe to Bikini Bottom Library, where Sandy pulls out a book) "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". (reads from the book) Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants... Hey, looky here! (points to a statue of SpongeBob's Great Grandfather in a picture. SpongeBob gasps) It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!

SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?

Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch. That's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days. (cross-fade to Dead Eye Gulch with a train coming into the town; narrating) It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (train stops. SpongeBuck gets off)

SpongeBuck SquarePants: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.

Sandy: (narrating) Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good galoot, Dead Eye!

SpongeBuck: Shoo-wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, willikers! They got an ice cream parlor! (sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor". Camera pans down to another sign reading "Ice Cream Parlor." SpongeBuck walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.

Funeral Fish: You're new here, aren't you?

SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.

Funeral Fish: You don't say. (gives SpongeBuck the ice cream. As SpongeBuck licks it, the fish measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him. SpongeBuck exits and notices that some people are looking at him. He looks at them, and the others pull their hats down. SpongeBuck keeps walking and licking until he stops at a place full of music. The music is coming from a place called the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' western ancestor: Business is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, ringing the bell by the door as he enters. Everyone stops)

SpongeBuck: Howdy do, y'all?

Hopalong Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (whispering to Hopalong Tentacles) Charge him double for his drinks.

SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! (sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken?

Western Fish: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles)

Hopalong: What can I get you, stranger?

SpongeBuck: Give me a shot... of milk.

Hopalong: Milk?

SpongeBuck: Two percent.

Hopalong: Think you can handle it?

SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready, Tapey. (laughs and drinks the milk, which spills into his stomach, where a worm named Tapey is living. Yells and falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth.

Hopalong: Right.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Hopalong: Strange is right.

SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. (holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted')

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (everyone cheers)

SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (holds up the same paper but points to a small section that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin'-tootin', never-pootin' chili. The spiciest chili west of the old red barn. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck: In a good way?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!

Hopalong: Since when?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (shushes Hopalong Tenacles) Shhhhhh! (to SpongeBuck) So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Uh, he's at Boot Hill. (points out the window to a cemetery with a sign reading "Boot Hill")

SpongeBuck: (gasps) And why is he at Boot Hill?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (points out another window to a full cemetery with a sign saying "Old Dead Tree Hill." There is also a dead tree) Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Patrick's ancestor bursts in)

Pecos Patrick: He's a-comin'! Dead Eye's a-comin'!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Dead Eye?!

Mr. Krabs' ancestor and Hopalong: Dead Eye?!

SpongeBuck: Who's Dead Eye?

Pecos Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Maestro, if you please. (Hopalong bows, sits at a piano and cracks his knuckles. He is about to play, but then he deposits a coin into the machine. Music starts playing)

Song: "Dead Eye"

Pecos Patrick: Oh, Bikini Gulch was a purty place
With sweet water and blue sky.
'Til one day a beast come a-riding from the east
By the name of Ol' Dead Eye.
Chorus: That dirty, no-good Dead Eye!
Pecos Patrick: Oh, he's robbed this town,
He's pulled my pants down!
Mrs. Puff's western ancestor: He made all the pretty girls cry! (sobs)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: That no-good goon wants my saloon!
And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon!
If we don't get some help here real soon...
Chorus: We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye!
We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try!
Pecos Patrick: And if you think that's funny,
Well, let me tell you, sonny,
You won't be laughing when you SEE... (the patrons gasp)
HIS... (another gasp)
BIG... (gasp)
RED... (gasp)
Chorus: Dead Eye!

(on cue, Dead Eye Plankton comes through the door)

Dead Eye Plankton: That's me! Dead Eye Plankton!

Pecos Patrick: Who?

Hopalong: We just sang a whole song about him!

Dead Eye: Well, what are you looking at?! (everyone hides. Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, then pulls off Pecos Patrick's clothes)

Pecos Patrick: Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip. Squeeze and Mr. Krabs' ancestor duck)

Dead Eye: Get up you two! I'm here for my... money, Krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it).

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (laughs nervously) What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke here! (Dead Eye bends the coin)

Dead Eye: That's the idea! (laughs) I thought we were all clear on that.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Oh, yeah. (hands Dead Eye a bag of money)

Dead Eye: I'll be back at high noon tomorrow for the deed!

SpongeBuck: Hey! That's not your money!

Dead Eye: WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' ancestor points at SpongeBuck and everyone runs away) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch, not Yokelburg! (laughs) Yokelburg... (laughs again) Who are you anyway?

SpongeBuck: I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili?

Dead Eye: Sheriff! (knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys!

SpongeBuck: Coffin jockeys?! (runs over to Mr. Krabs' ancestor) You didn't say anything about that! (exits)

Dead Eye: (pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff.

SpongeBuck: (pretending to ride a coffin as if it were a horse) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! (coffin neighs like a horse)

Dead Eye: Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' ancestor shrugs) All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it?

SpongeBuck: Uh huh.

Dead Eye: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us! Understand?

SpongeBuck: Yep.

Dead Eye: So, vamoose! Or we're going to have to settle this western-style at high noon, savvy?

SpongeBuck: Sounds great!

Dead Eye: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

SpongeBuck: Nope.

Dead Eye: (sighs and cracks whip at SpongeBuck. The coffin runs away, carrying SpongeBuck with it) And stay out! (checks his watch again) Hey, only three seconds off my record! (everyone is looking at Dead Eye) What are you hayseeds looking at? (cracks whip and everyone screams and runs away) Git! Get out of here!

Western Fish #2: What's gonna happen to the town now, pa?

Western Fish #3: I ain't your pa. (both scream and run away)

Dead Eye: I love this town! (laughs evilly and cracks his whip at the camera. In the desert, SpongeBuck is still riding the coffin like a horse)

SpongeBuck: Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! (trips on a rock) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food... (shows his arm, with no hand) ...water, and lip balm! (lip balm turns to dust. SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off) I'm sorry old Pine! Guess I'm gonna have to put you out of your misery! (takes out a saw) So long, old friend! (he is about to saw coffin in half)

Cowbone: Hey, buddy, better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.

SpongeBuck: It does?

Cowbone #2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! (both laugh. SpongeBuck joins in and then sees Pecos Patrick also laughing)

Pecos Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!

SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. (Pecos Patrick slaps him)

Pecos Patrick: Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! (cut to a crudely-drawn picture of Pecos Patrick saying "Duuhh")

SpongeBuck: I don't know... (Pecos Patrick slaps him again) Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurting me! Besides, you're right! It's time I looked fate in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!

Pecos Patrick: Hop on, buddy! (SpongeBuck gets on Pecos Patrick's double-wide coffin)

SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Pecos Patrick: Don't worry. I got a short cut. He-ya! (starts riding coffin, which rides them off a cliff. Both land on a cactus, yell in pain and jump very high in the direction of Dead Eye Gulch. There we see a carriage riding around town, with the ancestors of both Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs, as well as Hopalong Tentacles, inside)

Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Why are we going so fast?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop until he has the clothes off our backs! (Dead Eye is in the road)

Dead Eye: (laughs evilly) Great idea! (whipping is heard. Bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs' ancestor, Mrs. Puff's ancestor, and Hopalong Tentacles. They have been stripped down to their underclothes) Okay, let's see... (checking off a list) Personal possessions, clothes off your backs... That should about do it! Look, I'm just going to drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. (starts dancing) Uh huh, waa-waa! Uh huh, waa-waa!

Hopalong: I gotta admit, he's got skills.

Dead Eye: That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon, Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! (laughs but then coughs) Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-haw! (rides off)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: So, that's it.

Mrs. Puff's ancestor: We lost.

Hopalong: I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick come screaming to the ground)

SpongeBuck: Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time!

Pecos Patrick: We're heroes!

Hopalong: You're morons!

Mrs. Puff's ancestor: It's too late. Plankton's taken everything!

SpongeBuck: But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon.

Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm.

Hopalong: And all our stuff.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: And me money! (sniffs sadly) Me beautiful, beautiful money!

SpongeBuck: You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Could you get to the point? We're freezing!

SpongeBuck: What I'm a-sayin' is: if we all team up together, we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton, and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good! So, what do you say?

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Well, I think we all know the answer.

Everyone but SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: Forget it, SpongeBuck!

Pecos Patrick: Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! (strips to his pajamas and brandishes a pillow) Pillow fight! (whacks Hopalong with his pillow. Laughs, then whacks SpongeBuck)

SpongeBuck: That pillow sure packs a wallop!

Pecos Patrick: It's made out of wood, (Pulls out a wooden log inside the pillow) like all pillows in the old west. Round 2?

SpongeBuck: I do believe I'd sit this one out.

Pecos Patrick: Looks like it's just you and me, kid. (whacks himself with the log)

SpongeBuck: Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together!

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No offense, kid. But your advice is as terrible as your chili.

SpongeBuck: I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And together we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together in idiot friendship, we can beat Dead Eye and save the town! So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! (whispers)

Pecos Patrick: Uh huh... (SpongeBuck whispers again) Uh huh, uh huh... (SpongeBuck whispers a third time

Hopalong: Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying "bzbzbzbzbzbzb"?

SpongeBuck: Umm...

Hopalong: You don't have a plan, do you?

SpongeBuck: No. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far. (everyone groans) But I know we can beat him! If we just work together!

Dead Eye: Oh, I am terrified.

All: Dead Eye Plankton?!

Dead Eye: So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone.

SpongeBuck: You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right, g-- Hey! (sees all of SpongeBuck's friends hiding at the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: We're right behind you boy! WAY, WAY behind you!

Dead Eye: So, it's come to this. Mano y mano.

SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me!

Dead Eye: Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! (a clock strikes 12:00. Dead Eye and SpongeBuck walk toward each other until SpongeBuck steps on Dead Eye) Ow! (everyone who was hiding look at SpongeBuck, then come out and cheer) I hate all of you!

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Can I try?

Dead Eye: You can't do this! (steps on Dead Eye)

Pecos Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Yee-haw! Yee-haw! Yee-haw! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Kantina, where Mr. Krabs' ancestor is holding a line for patrons to step on Dead Eye)

Mr. Krabs: Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on ol' Dead Eye Plankton! (several patrons give a dollar each)

Dead Eye: (we see the patrons stepping on him) Ah! Ouch! Ooh!

Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Take that, you no-good little varmint!

Dead Eye: I have a lot of money! (gets stepped on)

Pecos Patrick: Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his. Both say "Ahh" in contentment)

SpongeBuck: You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. (a crudely-drawn picture of them both going "Duuh" is displayed)

Pecos Patrick: Come with me, I want to show you something. (bubble-wipe to outside the Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Thank you, sheriff SpongeBuck, for saving our town. And for stepping on that little varmint.

Dead Eye: History will vindicate me! (gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. (pulls off a sheet revealing a golden statue of SpongeBuck on a coffin)

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Oooh!

Hopalong: I liked my design better. (shows a piece of paper with his idea on it. The drawing is actually of himself)

Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Sorry about the whole tricking you into being sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I've got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. (puts another badge reading "Fry Cook" on SpongeBuck)

SpongeBuck: Wow! Fry cook! (everyone starts clapping) Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say "Hey! I'm proud of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!"

Citizens of Bikini Gulch: Aaw!

Western Fish #4: Say seaweed! (picture is taken and the episode returns to the present day)

SpongeBob: So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch and everyone in it! I wonder what happened to the statue of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. (Sandy and SpongeBob walk out of the library) It was much better than that one we have now. (both walk by the statue SpongeBob saw earlier)

Sandy: Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop.

SpongeBob: Wait a minute! (goes over and starts to pick at the jellyfish poop)

Sandy: Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eeew! What are you doing?! (SpongeBob wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold) That boy ain't hooked up right.

SpongeBob: Look, Sandy!

Sandy: Huh? (the statue is revealed to be the SpongeBuck statue)

SpongeBob: SpongeBuck was here all along! Sorry Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop.

Sandy: Wow!

SpongeBob: I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants!

Sandy: Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming. (fade to black. Fade in to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage, riding a coffin, while Hopalong plays the piano)

SpongeBuck: Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! (Pecos Patrick gets on stage, also riding a coffin) He's an idiot! (everyone cheers)

Pecos Patrick: So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends!

Pecos Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: Well, listen up and I'll tell you!

Song: "Idiot Friends"

SpongeBuck: Who's there for you when you are sad and down?
Skull Chorus: Idiot Friends!
Pecos Patrick: Who picks you up and slaps you all around?
Flower Chorus: Idiot Friends!
SpongeBuck: Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?
Pecos Patrick: Idiot Friends,
Idiot Friends,
All: Idiot Friends!
Pecos Patrick: Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do.
All: Idiot Friends!
Pecos Patrick: Dah de da da da da da do.
All: Idiot Friends!
Pecos Patrick: De da da da-doodle, duh do.

Pecos Patrick: You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? (Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs evilly)

SpongeBuck: Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?

Pecos Patrick: Thanks, buddy!

Dead Eye: Curses!

Pecos Patrick: Only and idiot friend would do that!

SpongeBuck: Let's bring it home, idiot friend!

Pecos Patrick: Okay.

(the music begins)

SpongeBuck: Who lets you ride on his coffin,
Pecos Patrick: Slaps you hard and often?
SpongeBuck: What do you and me have in common?
Both: We're idiot friends!

(everyone cheers)

SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much.

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