Episode Transcript: Stanley S. SquarePants
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Episode Article: Stanley S. SquarePants
(Outside SpongeBob's house.)
SpongeBob: Hey, someone left a package! I wonder what's inside.
Stanley: It was awful there!
SpongeBob: Cousin Stanley!
Stanley: Cousin SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: So what brings you to Bikini Bottom, Stanley?
Stanley: Uncle Sherm sent me here to visit you. I have a note here somewhere. Oh, right. It's in here. (pulls the note out of his head) Here it is.
SpongeBob: (reading it) Dear, SpongeBob. I'm sending you cousin Stanley to live with you. He can't hold down a job and he ruins everything he touches. I can't take it anymore. Maybe you can straighten him out. Love, Uncle Sherm. Well, I guess its fine, Stanley.
Stanley: Wow! You have your own refrigerator. I never had one of these living with Uncle Sherm. (accidentally throws its contents) Whoa!
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I don't have to clean it anymore. Stanley! What's going on in there?
Stanley: You have a toilet, oh cool! Is that what I think it is? (SpongeBob opens the door. an explosion happens.)
SpongeBob: Well, it was bath night.
Stanley: TV... Uncle Sherm never let me watch TV at home.
SpongeBob: Why not? (an explosion happens)
Stanley: Oh, that's why. What's that?
SpongeBob: Oh, it's okay. There's nothing good on TV anyway. Nothing...
Stanley: (looking at a picture of SpongeBob in front of the Krusty Krab) You work at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: Yes! I'm best at doing those things. (looking at pictures) That's me opening the front door key! That's me sending orders! And that's me peforming sanitary maintenance!
Stanley: And what's that?
SpongeBob: That's me making Krabby Patties! Best job in the world. I call it.
Stanley: I wish I had a job.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's okay, Stanley. There's nothing perfect in life. You're good.
Stanley: You really think so?
SpongeBob: I think so. I think you should see my friend Squidward, though. (outside) Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin Stanley:
Stanley: We're related. (Squidward runs out of the house with all his things. He puts a "for sale" sign next to it. A truck reading "Bikini Bottom Movers" comes up. Squidward places his things inside and gets in it
Squidward: Step on it!
Stanley: Your friend Squidward is busy.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's ok. I'm sure my friend Sandy can think of something. (at the treedome)
Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Who's your friend?
SpongeBob: This is my cousin, Stanley. I think you can tell him how to be a scientist.
Sandy: Sure. Glad to meet you, Stanley.
Stanley: Nice to meet you too, Sa...(Stanley trips on a rock) Whoa! (his buck teeth rip a hole in Sandy's air suit)
Sandy: (floating up to the surface) Oh, boy. Stanley!
SpongeBob: I think she's just not scientist material. But don't you worry. I bet Patrick can help you! He's a genius! (at Patrick's house) And so, Mr. Star, that's why we came to you.
Patrick: Looking for your call, huh? (examines Stanley) What are you good at?
Patrick: Nothing at all?
Patrick: Interesting. Let's see how good you are. Nothing.
SpongeBob: That's perfect! You can do nothing better than anybody! All because you're the master!
Patrick: Come with me. First, sit down on this chair. Hear it. Empty your whole thoughts. Clear your mind. Nothing.
Stanley: I must clear my mind. Nothing. (Stanley is nervous. he hears Patrick's clock ticking and sees Patrick making a weird face) Nothing. No!
Patrick: So you're not following my instruction to be immobile, huh? Leave, my brethren.
Stanley: Can I try?
Stanley: I can do nothing right.
SpongeBob: Don't worry! We just have to keep on looking! (looks at his watch and takes out his Krusty Krab hat) Oh, gentle hat, symbol of employment! Stone of my eternal happiness! (kisses it and puts it on) Wooo! You have no idea how this feels.
Stanley: No! (starts to cry)
SpongeBob: Hey, what's wrong, Stanley? You're not still upset about that whole never accomplished anything in your life thing, are you? Good, then why don't you come with me to work. Everything you need is to see what it's like!
Mr. Krabs: Hello, my litle money maker. Are you gonna make me lots of money today?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, if only there are two of you...what?
SpongeBob: This is my cousin Stanley! He'd like a job.
Mr. Krabs: The other one. He feels like you. He smells like you. He tastes like you! Hmm...yes! You've got the job! (starts his job. he touches the register) Money. Burning? SpongeBob! Are you responsible for this?
SpongeBob: I guess I am. (at the kitchen) If you wanna keep this job, you have to work! Woo! I have to take that out. For duty!
Stanley: Hey, our first customer. Hi, I'm Stanley!
Harold: Hmm...I'd like a...
Stanley: A picture coming up! I don't want to forget this moment. Let's take a part! (after many pictures, the customer cannot take it anymore. he explodes) Wait till I get this developed. (the line complains)
SpongeBob: I hear something! Aah! (the customers start a riot. Mr. Krabs goes in the kitchen)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's the meaning of this? Your workplace looks horrible. Try to get to work, boy! Why don't you act like Stanley, boy? Caring about the customers! (Mr. Krabs looks at a wedding-themed picture of Stanley and Harold)
Mr. Krabs: Yes, boy?
SpongeBob: About the new one?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes. The one I hired on your recommendation.
SpongeBob: About what I said...
Mr. Krabs: What, boy? You didn't lie to me about taking your cousin on the job, didn't you?
Mr. Krabs: Well, good. Because there are plenty of other cousins I didn't pass applying for a job.
Sandy's Cousin: (scottish)
Squidward's Cousin: Whatever.
Mr. Krabs: I even turned down my three adorable nephews. It's not great. Now go think about why you didn't get the job!
SpongeBob: Stanley, I cannot keep covering for you! (sees that Stanley has bent Spat) No! Not my spatula! My spatula...I had this for years in my heart.
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of neptune is going on? Oh. You broke your spatula. That's cheap. I don't even do it, boy.
SpongeBob: No! No! No! I didn't break my spatula. He did! I also didn't break the money. He did, too! I hed to keep on covering for him because he can't do anything right!
Stanley: He's right! I destroy everything I touch! (runs off crying)
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute...I know the perfect job for you!
SpongeBob: Good luck on your new job, Stanley!
Stanley: Oh, I bet I'll do even better at this one!
Plankton: Good morning, Stanley!
Stanley: Good morning, boss!
Plankton: That fool Krabs letting the relative of his passed worker...(the Chum Bucket explodes as Mr. Krabs watches through the window) Well, it came to be.
Stanley: Sorry, boss.