Episode Transcript: Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob
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Episode Article: Mermaid Man vs SpongeBob
Narrator: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy have been captured by the evil ManRay. (ManRay laughs)...Tickled to the point of wetting themselves and sent on a conveyor belt of doom to their watery grave.
Mermaidman: We cannot escape, Barnacleboy. He's too strong. Like the unbeatable taste of a Krusty Kids meal. (ManRay's maniacal laughter stops)
ManRay: The delicious new treat no mortal can resist?
ManRay: Ooh, I just love the little pip-squeak patty, small fries, and cold juice product.
Narrator: Of course you do, ManRay. Everyone loves the new Krusty Kids Meal. And for a limited time, get your free toy inside.
ManRay: How can I be evil with flavors this good? (all laugh as the words "Only at the Krusty Krab" appear on screen)
Plankton: Krabs calls that a commercial? Who'd fall for that schlock? (pulls down his periscope) Say...something is going on over there. (a bunch of kids are having fun and playing in the Krusty Krab while watching Mermaidman and Barnacleboy on a big screen)
Squidward: The Krusty Krab welcomes... (reads the card in his hand) the Tarpon twins' birthday party. Here are your Krabby Kids Meals. (all the kids dive in and take Squidward with them)
Plankton: Never trust kids, Squidward. Never trust kids.
Mr. Krabs: Gotta hand it to ya, boy. Gettin' Mermaidman and Barnacleboy to shill for me restaurant was a stroke of genius.
SpongeBob: All in the line of duty, Mr Krabs. (Squidward crawls over to the register with torn uniform) Wasn't it great, Squidward?
Squidward: Great? Those little savages tried to kill me.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but it's soooooo worth it when you get to work in these. (shows his uniform which consists of red underwear and a disguise mask around his eyes)
Plankton: Stupid kid. Wait a minute, what's this? Karen? My own wife. (Karen is talking and laughing with Mr Krabs) Oh, how Krabs mocks me.
Karen: (opens doors to Chum Bucket)Hi, honey.
Plankton: What's that? A souvenir from your boyfriend, KRABS?!
Karen: Oh, pipe down. I just went to get you this happy hero box.
Plankton: Well... (jumps on top of the box) Thanks, babe, you're too good to me. (opens the box and gasps) A Mermaidman action figure? And a Barnacleboy eraser? (plays with the toys) Look at me, I'm Barnacleboy. Look at me, I'm Mermaidman. Krabs... (hits the side of the box with Krabs' picture on it with his new toys) Sure...why didn't I think of this before? If Mermaidman and Barnacleboy can build Krabs up, they can tear him down, too. (maniacal laughter. Cut to Shady Shoals Rest Home) Ding dong. (door opens. Plankton is wearing a plaid, yellow shirt and a hat) Hello, boys. (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy are snoring then wake up)
Mermaidman & Barnacleboy: What? What-what?
Plankton: Down Here, Fellas!
Mermaidman: Who are you?
Plankton: Oh, Professor Plankton. Door-to-door salesman. (gets out a card) My card.
Mermaidman: (reads card) "Professor Plankton's Personal Products?"
Plankton: Saaaay, you two look like a couple of ladies' men, am I right? (shown an ugly side of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy) I knew it! Just look at that heroic chin. (Barnacleboy's chin has zits and bumps in it) Those chiseled features. (Mermaidman's ears has hair growing out of it and zits all over) That bra. But what's this? Dandruff?
Mermaidman: I've got dandruff?
Plankton: You sure do. (pours laundry soap around his neck) See?
Mermaidman: Oh, MYY! (looks at soap)
Plankton: (lifts up Barnacleboy's hat but sees there is real dandruff under there) Eww. A couple of studs like you can't go around like this. Lucky for you, Dr Plankton's come prepared with "Plankton's Dandruff Control Shampoo". A little of this stuff and the ladies will be breakin' down your door.
Mermaidman and Barnacleboy: Sign us up, Professor.
Plankton: Wise decision, gentlemen. (rubs the shampoo into both of their scalps) Hey, what do we have here? You fellas look a little peaked. (both are now under Plankton's control) Hmm, this shouldn't be. I wonder. (tears off the dandruff tag a little on the shampoo bottle) Say, this isn't Professor Plankton's Dandruff Control Shampoo) It's Professor Plankton's Mind Control
Shampoo!(laughs) With conditioner. Time to prepare for your next role, fellas. As my zombies. (laughs. Cut to the Krusty Krab where there is a gigantic line outside and giant Mermaidman and Barnacleboy balloons above the building)
Kids: (chanting) We want Mermaidman! We want Barnacleboy! (kids throw Squidward into the window then chant some more while throwing stuff around)We want Mermaidman! We want Barnacleboy! We want Mermaidman! We want Barnacle..
Mr. Krabs: Uh, hey kids. Uh, well, there's Mermaidman and Barnacleboy... in the ball room. (all the kids run inside the ball room and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Go get those awol do-gooders you talked me into hiring and bring their putouts back here on the double.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Back you, back. (the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. Cut to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running or hiding in fear of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy's destruction of the place)
SpongeBob: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy, please? And I'm kind of in a hurry. (Mermaidman taps him on the shoulder) Aah! (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy growl at him while under Plankton's control) Oh, my gosh! You guys live in a dump. But we don't have time for that right now. We gotta get you back to the Krusty Krab for your special appearance. I'll take you. (Mermaidman takes SpongeBob’s hand and does the Spine Blaster on him.) Wow, I haven't seen you do the Spine Blaster since... (Mermaidman does Spine Blaster on SpongeBob.) since episode 647. (Mermaidman does the Spine Blaster on SpongeBob once again.) When you blasted that guy's spine. You still got it. (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy drag SpongeBob off. Cut to the Krusty Krab)
Perch: Perch Perkins here, live at the Krusty Krab. We're just moments away from an important press conference with Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. I have with me here Eugene Krabs, owner of the restaurant. Any thoughts, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (muttering gibberish because of all the money in his pocket)
Perch: (chuckles) Oh, oh. We'll come back to you later. (SpongeBob comes crashing down through the ceiling)
SpongeBob: Ladies and gentlemen, I present.. Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. (MM and BB crash through the side of the Krusty Krab. All the kids break through the ball room cage and run up to their heroes. But Mermaidman and Barnacleboy throw them aside and go up to the press conference booths while the cameras flash)
Plankton: (hiding in Mermaidman's right ear) Oh, boy... everyone in Bikini Bottom showed up! This is gonna be so sweet. (maniacal laughter)
Perch: Mermaidman, what is your opinion of the Krabby Patty?
Plankton: Ooh, this is too easy. Now just tell everyone that... (whispers into his ear)
Mermaidman: I, Mermaidman, think that Krabby Patties are, uh......... what?
Plankton: They're terrible! You hate Krabby Patties.
Mermaidman: I'm late for "Snappy Pabbies?" Barnacleboy... we're late for... (snores)
Plankton: Oh, for crying out loud. (walks up to his ear drum) Tell them to hate Krabby Patties!!! (Mermaidman snores then exhales. Plankton gets frustrated and goes through the ear canal)
SpongeBob: Mermaidman. I got something to refresh your memory.(whispering)
Mermaidman: Ooh, a Krabby Patty. Would you look at that. Barnacleboy, it's a Krabby Patty. Why these things are... (turns under the mind control again) evil! (everyone gasps)
Fish: Susie, no! (slaps her patty away)
Mermaidman: I hate these nasty things, (spits on it, SpongeBob becomes broken and cracks into pieces). And furthermore, let it be known that I, Mermaidman, prefer the delicious food available at the Chum Bucket! Our new favorite restaurant!
SpongeBob: The Chum Bucket?!! Plankton must be behind this.
Plankton: Yes.Yeeessssseesss! It's working.(laughs) (the crowd is mumbling disgustedly and exit the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Hold it right there. You forgot your Krabby Patties!
Mermaidman & Barnacleboy: (drool) Krabby Patties. Krabby Patties.
Plankton: Oh, no. Those infernal Krabby Patties. Their grease-fried deliciousness could be enough to free Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. (Plankton turns a switch to slap Mermaidman from eating a Krabby Patty. He makes him throw one away and then stomp on the other. Then they walk out but are stopped again by SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Not so fast! You're not dealing with an ordinary fry cook. It's time for you to meet... (throws an exploding capsule on the ground) Fry Boy! Defender of... uh-oh! (notices his outfit is not on so he uses another exploding capsule to put on his suit) Fry Boy! Defender of the Krabby Patty! (Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy run after SpongeBob. SpongeBob throws the patties up into the air and hits them with his spatulas sending them to Mermaidman and Barnacleboy but out heroes duck.
SpongeBob stretches his arms around some coral and sends MM and BB back towards him. He trips them into the ground and eating a Krabby Patty) Yes! You lose, Plankton! Now watch as the Krabby Patties' wholesome flavors work their magic. (Barnacle Boy looks at his watch, then they aggressively run to the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: I did it! I did it! Look at all these customers. (evil laugh) In your face, Krabs. Yes!
Fish #2: So, uh... where's the food?
Plankton: (laughs evil) (gasps) Food? Oh, yeah. Never thought I'd get this far. (goes into the kitchen)
SpongeBob: It doesn't make sense. They should have been cured once the pureness of the Krabby Patties entered their... that's it! Mermaidman and Barnacleboy are elderly. Their poor aged tummies must be having a hard time digesting the food. I know just what to do. (crashes through the Chum Bucket's wall with a "fiber" truck and pours fiber into the heroes' mouths. Their stomachs digest the food and they go back to normal)
Mermaidman: I'm back to my old self again. Thanks to you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: And the delicious power of Krabby Patties.
Mermaidman: Say, I could use a couple more of those, and an order of Krabby Fries.
Barnacleboy: (walks out of the bathroom) And a decent latrine.
SpongeBob: Well, then, you guys know where to go!
SpongeBob, Mermaidman, & Barnacleboy: To the Krusty Krab, away! (everyone goes over to the Krusty Krab)
Plankton: Hey, everyone, I made Chummy Joes! (notices there aren't any customers) (uncontrollably) GRAAAAAAAAHHH!!!