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Episode Transcript: Money Talks
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Episode Article: Money Talks
(episode begins at the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?
Customer: I'd like that table over by the window. (points to the table behind him where an elderly couple is sitting)
SpongeBob: As soon as the present customers are done with it. They like to chew their food thoroughly.
Lady: 97... 98... 99...
Man: Don't rush me, woman!
Customer: Perhaps this will speed up the process. (shows him some money)
SpongeBob: How will that help them chew faster?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the problem?
SpongeBob: No problem, I was just telling this customer he needed to wait for his favorite table.
Customer: Five bucks if I get the table now. (Mr. Krabs kicks out the elderly couple)
Lady: Ow, my hip.
Mr. Krabs: (ties a bib around the customer's neck) Enjoy your meal. Let me know if you need anything else.
SpongeBob: Why did you give him the table?
Mr. Krabs: You know what they say: "money talks". (kisses the money)
SpongeBob: I didn't know money could talk. Did it tell you to kick those old people out? (talking to money) What do you
have against old people?
Mr. Krabs: Don't go goofy on me, boy. Money can't really talk. Only fish can talk.
SpongeBob: Wouldn't it be neat if money could talk?
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Yeah. Wait a minute...
Squidward: (music begins) What's that music?
SpongeBob: I think Mr. Krabs is gonna sing.
Squidward: Oh, great.
Music: If I Could Talk to Money
If I could talk to money, How great my life would be. We'd tell each other secrets, All their friends would visit me.
I'd bathe in filthy riches, Which is clean enough for me. Oh, if you could tell me what you want, How happy we would be.
We'd surely be the best of friends, We'd never disagree. There wouldn't be a downside, Not one that I could see.
If I could talk to money, Come along, sing with me.
Squidward: (spoken) Uh, no thanks. I got to go.
SpongeBob: (spoken) I really have to pee.
If I could talk to money, And it could talk to me... We'd always be the best of friends, For all eternity...
(Mr. Krabs chortles)
Patrick: (comes out of the bathroom) What did I miss?
Mr. Krabs: Oh... (starts to sing the song again, but customers walk away. Bubble-wipe to later that night at Mr. Krabs' house) Parlez vous Francais? ¿Hable Español? Oo-yay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay? (uses stethoscope on money) Mm-hmm. (turns on a light over the money) Maybe this will make you talk. Talk! You're being too hard on the little guy. You can talk to me. I'm your friend. (cries) I would give anything to talk to money. Anything! (Flying Dutchman appears)
Flying Dutchman: Anything?
Mr. Krabs: You?
Flying Dutchman: That's right. 'Tis I, the ominous Flying Dutchman. I'll grant your wish but it'll cost you. (contract
appears in front of Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, my immortal soul. I've heard that speech before. (signs contract)
Flying Dutchman: Wha...? Well, uh, great. But be warned!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, skip the lecture. I want what's coming to me.
Flying Dutchman: Humph, you're no fun at all, you know that? (gets out some magic dust from his pouch)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, is that pixie dust? (Flying Dutchman throws the dust in his eyes, causing him to scream. Wakes up) Whew, that was a strange dream.
Money: You think that was a strange dream? I dreamed I was trapped in a prison made of peanut butter.
Mr. Krabs: Who said that?
Money: Down here.
Mr. Krabs: (looks under his blanket and pulls out a nickel) Hey, it's a nickel. What were you doing in my belly button, little fella?
Nickel: I got stuck in there during your last coin shower. (shudders) I don't want to talk about it.
Mr. Krabs: (takes his wallet and takes out a five-dollar bill) Do you have anything to say to me?
Dollar Bill: Yeah, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?
Mr. Krabs: It worked! I can talk to money. Oh...
Nickel: Please, don't start singing again. (bubble-wipe to the next day, at the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (entering) Don't worry, darlings. Soon you'll be rejoined with all your friends. (kisses his money)
Old Lady: Oh, my, why don't you kiss me like that?
Old Man: Don't start.
Squidward: That'll be five dollars. (puts money in register)
Five-Dollar Bill: Hey, dudes.
Money: Run, jump! Jump out! Jump out! (Mr. Krabs closes the register and chuckles)
Mr. Krabs: (opens up his safe) Good morning, my darlings.
Money: Good morning, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You're coming home with me.
Mr. Krabs: (walks by SpongeBob) SpongeBob, I did it. I can talk to money. (shows him a bag of money) Go ahead, say hello.
SpongeBob: Hello... money.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh, aren't they a riot? (walks out of the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: I'm starting to worry about Mr. Krabs.
Squidward: I'm worried he just left with my paycheck. (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs' house where he's on the floor with his money)
Mr. Krabs: Now that we're alone, let's tell each other secrets.
One-Dollar: What kind of secrets are you talking about?
Dime: Yeah, we live in a safe.
Mr. Krabs: You have any friends you can invite over?
One-Dollar: Aren't we enough for you?
Dime: Yeah, what's wrong with us?
Mr. Krabs: Nothing, nothing. You guys are great. I thought you guys might want some company, you know, to make you happy.
Money: Why don't you ask what would make us happy?
Mr. Krabs: OK, so how can I make you happy?
Money: Spend us!
Mr. Krabs: What?
Dime: We're money. It's in our nature.
One-Dollar: I've been trapped in that safe for eight years. I always wanted to be spent on a fairy princess outfit.
Mr. Krabs: What? No way.
Ten-Dollar: I want to be spent on corn dogs.
Five-Dollar: I want to be spent on diapers.
Money: (talking all at once) Yeah, yeah, me too.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, wait a minute. I am not spending you on corn dogs, diapers, or fairy princess outfits. (cut to the mall)
Clerk: Did you find everything OK?
Mr. Krabs: (dressed up in the outfits that the money were talking about) Unfortunately.
Money: All right! (Mr. Krabs cries. SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs, and he's wearing a periwinkle purple fairy princess outfit. SpongeBob is also in a diaper and eating a corn dog)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Lookin' good!
Patrick: (he's dressed in same outfit but it's green) What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
SpongeBob: I don't know. He's acting kind of weird. (cut back to Mr. Krabs' house)
Money: (moaning) Spend us. Spend us.
Mr. Krabs: I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.
Money: Spend us.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?
Money: Spend us.
Mr. Krabs: I'm not listening...
Money: Spend us.
Mr. Krabs: I'm not... (SpongeBob knocks on door. Mr. Krabs goes to see who it is and finds his employee) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (he is now in his everyday clothes) Hi, Mr. Krabs. I just came by to make sure you weren't, you know, totally insane.
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Take this bag as far away as possible and bury it. (closes door then nervously chuckles) What have I done? (opens door) Give me that back. (takes the bag of money and closes door again)
SpongeBob: OK Mr. Krabs, glad you're not insane. (bubble-wipe to later. A thunderstorm brews outside)
Mr. Krabs: Dutchman, you cheated me. Take this horrible curse away! I want a refund.
Flying Dutchman: All sales are final from the Flying Dutchman, especially for a selfish shellfish like yourself. Try saying that three times fast. Your soul's going into me fanny pack of despair. (squeals) Now pay up. Huh? (looks into the bag and pulls out a paper) An I.O.U. (I Owe You)?
Mr. Krabs: (chuckles nervously) Yeah, well, I sort of sold my soul already.
Flying Dutchman: What? To who?
Mr. Krabs: To those guys. (points to some monsters beside him)
Monster: We were here first, pops.
Monster #2: We've all got a claim on Krabs' soul.
Monster: Get to the back of the line.
Mr. Krabs: Now, now, I'm sure we can sort this out. (Flying Dutchman moves to the back of the line behind SpongeBob)
Flying Dutchman: You too, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: He was short five dollars on payday. (Flying Dutchman sighs)