Episode Transcript: Good Ol' Whatshisname

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Episode Article: Good Ol' Whathisname

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(Mr. Krabs is laughing in his office as he is reading a book. SpongeBob and Squidward enter)

SpongeBob: Exciting reading Mr Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, you bet you SpongeBob. Listen to this. Individual waste of the enus will substantially broaden the probability of multiple substantial visits, generating an inverse negative revenue margin of three quarters and one half of one percent: meaning if you call the customers by their names, they keep coming to spend more of their green back! So I want you two to learn the names of every customer.

Squidward: I have an important life to live, and it doesn't include chattering with you two ninnies.

Mr. Krabs: I thought you might say that, so I decided to turn this into a contest. The employee who learns more names wins this. (Squidward takes a brochure and gasps)

Squidward: A tropical getaway? On the triple decker Con-Huge-Go cruise liner? Sunbathing.... Parcheesi... ballroom dancing! This is gonna be so easy. SpongeBob doesn't realize that I'm the face of the Krusty Krab. While he's isolated in the kitchen all day, I'll be out here, building a rapport with the customers. (walks up to a female) Hello. May I get you anything else, Miss...

Christina: Since when do you give two shrimps about customer service, Mr. Grouchy Squid guy?

SpongeBob: Hi Sally! Hi, Sadie! Hi, Shubie!

Squidward: How does SpongeBob know all these names?

SpongeBob: Right back at you, Lenny!

Squidward: Hey, SpongeBob, could you take a look in the cash register? I think it's broken.

SpongeBob: Oh, sure, Squidward.

Squidward: I think you might need a closer look. Let me give you a hand. (shoves SpongeBob into the cash register)

SpongeBob: I can't see anything in here, Squidward.

Squidward: Keep looking, SpongeBob, keep on looking. (walks up to another fish) So, what's your name? (SpongeBob squeezes out of a mustard bottle)

SpongeBob: Hi, Thaddeus!

Squidward: Good-bye, SpongeBob. (takes the mustard bottle from the customer and puts it on the ground outside. Stomps on it and sends SpongeBob soaring into the background. Then he walks back into the Krusty Krab) That should buy me enough time to win that cruise. (another fish walks in)

Gus: Good day, young sir! My name is... (SpongeBob pops up from under his hat)

SpongeBob: Gus!

Gus: He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.

Squidward: (grabs SpongeBob) How in Neptune's creation do you know all of these names, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. (holds up a book named "The Customers of the Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP")

Squidward: (grabs the book) Thanks, SpongeBob! (jumps from table to table saying all the fishes names)

Squidward: Let's see. Halbert, Norma, Isabel, Gus, Chas, Pelar, Gus, Jess, Cara, Ivy, Harv, Mable, Mavis... (crawls over to a female fish who is eating her food) And your name is... Susie Fish, correct?

Susie: Yes, and you'd also be correct in saying you ruined my food with your sweat, you nitwit! (walks out)

Squidward: Mr. Krabs! That's the last customer. Do I win?

Mr. Krabs: Uh, well, actually, I wasn't keeping score. But I'll just say that you and SpongeBob are neck and neck. That mystery guy over there will be the tie breaker.

Squidward: Uh, that's, that's...

SpongeBob: Oh, that's... that's... I know him. It's...something.

Mr. Krabs: He's the ticket to your prize.

Squidward: (shoves SpongeBob) Out of the way, loser. (runs over to the customer)

Squidward Um, hello. My name is Squidward. (customer looks at him with an annoyed face) Uh, so, what's your name?

What Zit Tooya: What Zit Tooya.

Squidward: Uh, it's just that I was going to...enter your name in our sweepstakes! (takes out paper and pen) So, what should I put down?

What Zit Tooya: (gulps) First and last name?

Squidward: Sure.

What Zit Tooya: Yeah, why don't you write this on your form. What Zit... (inhales deeply) ...Tooya! Now leave me alone! (eats his food and SpongeBob walks over)

Squidward: I see he wants to play hard to get. So be it! I have ways of making the likes of him talk. (runs up to him with a cup of soda) Uh, sir, you forgot your soda.

What Zit Tooya: I didn't order any soda.

Squidward: It's on the house. (throws the soda in the customer's face)

What Zit Tooya: What the barnacles are you doing?!

Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry, I slipped. Here, let me take that off of you. (takes the customer's jacket off) Okay, there must be a nametag or some form of I.D. in here.

What Zit Tooya: I don't need your help. I'm outta here! (Squidward follows him)

Squidward: Hey, look up in the sky! A giant meteor is hurtling towards earth.

What Zit Tooya: Where? (Squidward reaches inside Mr. What Zit Tooya's jacket and takes out his wallet)

Squidward: Oh, you'll see it. Just keep looking.

What Zit Tooya: I can't see it.

Squidward: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I found what I was looking for. (runs off with the wallet)

What Zit Tooya: Hey! Come back here! Give me my wallet! (Light turns to "stop" and Squidward runs past a policeman eating a donut)

Officer Johnson: Holy sea cow! That hooligan ran a stop sign. (chases after Squidward)

What Zit Tooya: Stop, thief!

Officer Johnson: You know that guy?

What Zit Tooya: (worried) Hardly. He stole my wallet.

Officer Johnson: What? That makes him a dual offender. Let's get him! (Squidward runs up a ladder to the top of a building. Officer and fish follow him)

Squidward: (laughs) Finally, the moment of truth! Say good-bye to anonymity, Mr...

Officer Johnson: Freeze, thief!

Squidward: No, you don't understand! I only want the wallet for...

What Zit Tooya: We know exactly why you want it, wallet snatcher. (tries not letting go of the wallet)

Squidward: (grunting) This isn’t as it seems.

Officer Johnson: That's what you'll be saying in the slammer, punk. (the wallet rips and money falls out. Squidward grabs his license)

Squidward: His driver's license! (laughs) At last! At last! And your name is... Mr. What Zit Tooya? What kind of ridiculous name is that?

What Zit Tooya: It's my ridiculous name! What Zit Tooya!

Officer Johnson: (hits Squidward on the head with his nightstick and Squidward falls down) That's enough of that, ballyhoo. (handcuffs Squidward)

Squidward: But, but, but, I-I-I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.

Officer Johnson: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. (siren blaring as the police car takes off. Cut to the Bikini Bottom Jail)

Squidward: (crosses out a day on his calendar) Only 364 more days and 9 years left until I exchange this concrete tomb for a multi-story ocean liner cruise. (SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs walk up to Squidward's cell)

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward.

Squidward: SpongeBob?

Mr. Krabs: The boy and I just thought we'd stop by and check on our convict friend.

Squidward: Call me what you may, fact of the matter is I found out the mystery customer's name first. So I win. HA! HA! I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win!

Mr. Krabs: Enjoy your prize. (hands Squidward the brochure)

Squidward: Woo-hoo-hoo! (dances) Tropical vacation, here I come! (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Vacation? Who said anything about a vacation?

Squidward: What? In the brochure, it specifically mentions an ocean liner vacation.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, you mean that brochure. Well, that was the prize. The brochure. It was taking up too much room in me drawers, you know. It's your prize.

Squidward: You mean no vacation?

Mr. Krabs: Nope, just the brochure. Well, gotta get back to counting me loot. Enjoy your new prize, Squidward.

SpongeBob: See you on the outside in ten years, buddy! (walks off)

Squidward: (laughs maniacally while tearing up the brochure) Oh well, at least I'll have some peace and quiet for the next ten years.

Patrick: (sitting in the same cell) Hey, Squidward. Parcheesi? (Squidward falls apart)

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