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Episode Transcript: Sing a Song of Patrick
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Episode Article: Sing a Song of Patrick
(episode begins with a shot of the whole town of Bikini Bottom. Camera pans in to show Patrick at Near Mint Comic Books, moved to tears by the comic, causing quite a ruckus)
Patrick: Ah!!! No!!! No!!! (stops crying and starts cheering loudly) Yay!!! Ha-ha!!! Ha-ha!!!
Fish: If only "Inaudible Lad" were here right now.
Patrick: Oh. (gobbles down the comic book) Nothing satisfies like a good story. (SpongeBob walks up to Patrick with a pile of 20-40 comic books. Patrick, however, can't see SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Are you ready to go, Patrick?
Patrick: Ahh! Get back! I wasn't gonna eat all of you!
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me!
Patrick: Sponge-! (he is cut off by a loud belch. An advertisement from the comic book blows onto SpongeBob's face)
SpongeBob: What's this?
Patrick: Whatever it is, it's mine! Unless I don't want it. (looks it over) Hmm... SpongeBob! What do all these words say?
SpongeBob: It's an ad! (reading) "Dear comic book reader..."
Patrick: That's me!
SpongeBob: ..."Have you ever thought about turning one of your poems into a hit song on the radio?"...
Patrick: I've never thought about anything!
SpongeBob: ..."Send in your poem and $100 and we'll make it a hit!" Can we go, now? My arms are getting tired.
Patrick: I wanna send in my poem and everyone would love it, and I would be a star!
SpongeBob: You can't always trust ads in comic books. Those X-Ray specs I ordered couldn't see through people's skin at all. Only their clothes. Plus, you don't have $100. (his wallet falls out of his back pants pocket, and he struggles to reach for it with his legs) Patrick, could you get my wallet? (Patrick picks it up)
Patrick: Hey, look, I just found $100! It's a sign that I should make my hit record!
SpongeBob: Hey, that's my comic book money!
Patrick: It's a sign! A sign that fell from the back of your pants! I've learned to trust signs like that.
SpongeBob: (as Patrick walks away) Patrick!
Comic Book Shopkeeper: Hey, you gonna pay for those comics? (SpongeBob's arms pop off from the weight of the comics)
SpongeBob: No. (cut to outside where we see SpongeBob being kicked out of Near Mint Comic Books) Can I have my arms back? (bubble-wipe to Patrick standing outside SpongeBob's house, talking to him)
Patrick: I wish not to be disturbed, SpongeBob. For I am about to erupt with masterpiece!
SpongeBob: Good luck! (Patrick leaves and SpongeBob shuts the door. The doorbell rings) Coming! (Patrick opens the door, crushing SpongeBob behind it)
Patrick: SpongeBob! Can I borrow a pencil, and a piece of paper, and a place to work?(cut to other room) SpongeBob, this pencil is broken! Why won't it make words!?
SpongeBob: You have to think of the words yourself.
Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once... (cross-fade to flashback to a younger smiling Patrick) A poem by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red, I have to go to the bathroom. (swallows paper and bows)
Gym Teacher: (glaring) How many times do I have to tell ya Patrick, this is gym class?! (blows whistle. Young Patrick ducks as he gets pelted with dodgeballs)
Patrick: Dodgeballs. (SpongeBob opens the door and walks in with what looks like a dodgeball)
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick!
Patrick: (screams) Don't hit me with that dodgeball! (light turns on. It is shown to be SpongeBob holding Gary)
SpongeBob: Why would I hit you with a dodgeball?
Patrick: I've never told anyone this, I wrote a poem once.
SpongeBob: (gasps) No!
Patrick: It gets worse, When I read it to the class, the pelted me with dodge balls, just because we were playing dodge ball! Why! (cries. Scary music plays; it's actually being played on a vinyl record that Gary is listening to. SpongeBob takes a needle off the record)
SpongeBob: You can play your records later, Gary. Is that why you've been having trouble writing?
Patrick: I'm afraid my poem's not gonna be any good and you'll pelt me with dodgeballs.
SpongeBob: Oh, I don't even own a dodgeball, do you, Gary?
Patrick: I'm going to write this poem, I'm even gonna use my brain!
SpongeBob: Good thinking, Pat. I'll open a window.
Patrick: (strains on his brain) Come on, work you stupid brain! Work! Work! (grunting. Gears start turning inside his head) It's working (starts writing. Smoke comes out of the window)
SpongeBob: Patrick, don't strain yourself!
Squidward: Now what's going on? (nose shrivels up) What is that horrible smell? (SpongeBob walks outside) Is Patrick thinking again? (Patrick sticks head out window)
Patrick: I'm making art!
Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled in your brain and died!
Patrick: That's the creative progress at work. (Squidward shuts window) Ready to go to the post office? (shows envelope full of something rotten, watery and bad) I want to mail in my masterpiece. (time card appears)
French Narrator: The next day... (cut to Bigshot Records)
Singer #1: (singing) ...and that's why you're my cookie wooky teddy bear. (music stops)
Singer #2: I hate my life.
Singer #3: I hate your life, too.
Manager: People, we've got 17 more songs to finish this hour! The next one is "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. (vomits a little, band member takes paper)
Singer #4: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.
Singer #1: Oh yeah? (eyeballs explode)
Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is; We spent his hundred bucks already!
Singer #1: C'mon guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. And a one, and a two, and a... (cut to band's funeral. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Fish #1 are there)
Funeral Fish: They wanted you to have this. (hands Patrick his song)
Patrick: My song!! Woot!! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house)
SpongeBob: Come on let's hear it.
Patrick: Oh I don't know. Can I trust that you won't throw dodgeballs at me?
SpongeBob: I see no dodgeballs here buddy, just an artist and his work.
Patrick: Yeah! And me! Now sit down and get comfortable. (SpongeBob sits down. Patrick pushes in a giant amplifier)
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick?
Patrick: (he's standing on the amplifier) SpongeBob SquarePants, are you ready to rock?! Whoo! (jumps from the amplifier. SpongeBob screams. Lands next to SpongeBob. Pushes button on remote. Loud music starts)
SpongeBob: It's really loud!!!
Patrick: You want it louder? Okay!!
Music: I Wrote This
Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star.
I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon, And smells like it's been dead! Writing stuff is hard, So I use a pointy pencil.
Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point.
P.U.! What's that horrible smell? Drum solo! (drum solo) I have a head, It ends in a point.
Pointy, pointy, pointy. Pointy, pointy, point.
This song is over except for this line. You win this round, Broccoli...! (explosion)
(house melts. The amplifier falls on SpongeBob and Patrick)
Patrick: That was AWESOME! So how was it, did you like it, or did you really like it?
SpongeBob: Oh, well Patrick, there is no easy way to say this... THAT WAS THE GREATEST SONG I EVER HEARD!
Patrick: You really mean it?
SpongeBob: Yeah, we gotta get that on the radio! (Patrick pulls SpongeBob's arm off) Darn, I just got that arm back. (bubble-wipe to a radio station named K-Blub)
Patrick: Man, I can't wait to see the look on their face when they hear this! (someone screams. SpongeBob and Patrick get thrown out)
SpongeBob: Did you see the look on his face?
Patrick: Yeah. Did you see his ears?
SpongeBob: I didn't know they could turn inside-out like that. Now how are we gonna get your record on the radio?
Patrick: What record?
SpongeBob: I've got an idea! (bubble-wipe to later where SpongeBob and Patrick are on the roof. Wind howls as SpongeBob and Patrick shiver) We just have to play your record from the top of this antenna.
Patrick: Carry me?
SpongeBob: Huh? Patrick-- (Patrick lands on top of SpongeBob and SpongeBob picks him up, struggling)
Patrick: Tally ho! Marsh! Onward and upward! (SpongeBob is struggling to get to the top of the antenna) Faster, SpongeBob! Faster! (sees a spaceship go by. Eventually, they are on the top of the antenna. Stands on SpongeBob's face, takes out his record player and then puts it on the top of the antenna but record player wobbles and falls off and Patrick catches it) Oh! Hmm-- This record won't stay put. (SpongeBob mumbles to say something) Good idea. (takes out bubble gum and throws it in his mouth and chews on it, while making noises and he blows a bubble. SpongeBob mumbles again to say something. Bubble pops and sticks to Patrick's mouth) Oh, yeah. I forgot. (pulls gum off and sticks it to the bottom of the record player and puts it on the top of the antenna and turns on the music. A fish is walking past a radio in a store)
Eban Schletter on the radio: (singing the poem) Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star--
(a fish screams. Another fish is driving a boat)
(fast forward noise) --I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred--
Fish #2: (screams) It's in my head! (continues screaming as boat spins around and crashes)
Eban Schletter on the radio: --It tastes like beans and bacon, And smells like it's been dead!
(two fish are walking around, listening to music)
Writing stuff is hard, So I use a pointy pencil--
(Fish #3's head disappears)
Fish #4: Lucky.
Eban Schletter on the radio: --Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point--
Fish #5: (to his girlfriend, Evelyn; both are at the beach as the song on the radio plays) This song always makes me think of you.
Eban Schletter on the radio: --P.U.! What's that horrible smell? Drum solo!
(drum solo follows as Evelyn hits her boyfriend, who goes up high. Everyone screams and runs around because of the song. Two fish tip the boat over)
Fish #6: Stop!
Eban Schletter on the radio: --I have a head, It ends in a point--
Pilot #1: (covering his ears) My ears! (they pull the controls off and jump out of the plane with parachutes)
Eban Schletter on the radio: --Pointy, pointy, pointy. Pointy, pointy, point--
(the plane lands into the Fireworks Storage and it explodes and fireworks start)
--This song is over except for this line--
Old Man Jenkins: I like it. (hums the song)
Eban Schletter on the radio: --You win this round, Broccoli...!
(song ends but begins again. SpongeBob and Patrick see that Bikini Bottom's having a "party")
SpongeBob: Well, it looks like Bikini Bottom is throwing a party. and you know what a party needs.
Patrick: Uh, Bean Dip?
SpongeBob: Yes, that is important. but I was thinking about music! Turn it up, Patrick! (Patrick turns the volume up)
Eban Schletter on the radio: It tastes like beans and bacon--
Fred: (covering his ears) Where is that awful song coming from?
Eban Schletter on the radio: --And smells like it's been dead--
Fred: (points to the radio station) To the radio station! (everyone marches angrily to the radio station. Lou is selling torches)
Lou: Torches! Get your torches! (everyone gets a torch. Another vendor is selling pitchforks)
Pitchfork Vendor: Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! (everyone gets a pitchfork. A third vendor is selling cotton candy)
Cotton Candy Vendor: Cotton candy! Get your cotton candy! You can't throw a riot without cotton candy. (everyone misses the cotton candy. SpongeBob and Patrick climb down the antenna)
Eban Schletter on the radio: --I have a head, It ends in a point--
SpongeBob: Look at that, Patrick! (the angry mob is coming)
Patrick: Oh, you mean the angry mob with the pitchforks and torches?
SpongeBob: (laughs) That's not an angry mob, Patrick. It's your fan club!
Patrick: Fan club? (song ends as the angry mob chatters indistinctly) Yee-whoo! We should sing them a song!
Fred: Who's responsible for that song on the radio? (SpongeBob and Patrick jump off the roof)
SpongeBob: Why, he's right here. Patrick Star, Musical Genius. (Patrick drones and burps)
Fred: Let's get them, boys! (they start chasing them. they beat them up but SpongeBob and Patrick play with instruments wildly. Patrick plays with a guitar, while SpongeBob plays with a chainsaw and a tambourine. They pant heavily)
Patrick: And that was my new song called: "Arrgh!"
Fred: You know, It's not that bad.
Fish #3: Yeah. At least it got that first terrible song out of our heads.
Patrick: Oh, yeah. My song. (strums his guitar) Oh, Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star-- (they hear a whistle blow. It is Patrick's gym teacher from his childhood)
Gym Teacher: PATRICK! Looks like you need another lesson! DODGEBALLS READY! (everyone gets out a dodgeball)
Patrick: Uh-oh. (everyone starts throwing dodgeballs at SpongeBob and Patrick who take cover)