Episode Transcript: Fungus Among Us
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Episode Article: Fungus Among Us
(while SpongeBob sleeps, Gary notices his food bowl is empty. So he slithers up to the diving board, jumps off, and licks SpongeBob, who giggles and wakes up)
SpongeBob: Gary! What are you doing!?!
SpongeBob: Oh my gosh! You're bowl's empty! (lady screams) Not to worry, Gare-gare! Food is on the way, faster than you can say... (rushes to get food) "organic"!
Gary: Meow? (blows a raspberry)
SpongeBob: There ya go, Gary! (Gary sniffs it and rejects the food. He slithers over to a fungus growing on the floor, smiles, and eats some) Gary! Shame on you! I realize you're a bottomfeeder, but have some manners! You know you're not supposed to eat goop off the ground! Now go on and enjoy your health food!
Gary: (mocking) Meow, meow, meow... (SpongeBob attempts to clean it, but to no avail)
SpongeBob: What is this stuff, anyway? Doesn't seem to be coming off! (the doorbell rings) Ooh, company! (scratches his head as he answers the door)
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob! (gasps)
SpongeBob: Is something wrong, Patrick?
Patrick: SpongeBob! What is that?
SpongeBob: What's what?
Patrick: This!(bends SpongeBob's head over so he can see the fungus on his head)
SpongeBob: Ow!!! P-P-P-Patrick, what should I do?
Patrick: Scratch it like there's no tomorrow!
SpongeBob: Good idea!(does so)
Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob?
Patrick: I don't know about this!
SpongeBob: What makes you say that?
Patrick: This. (takes out a mirror and shows SpongeBob that the fungus has spread)
SpongeBob: (screams) It's getting bigger! (swallows) Nothing a little pimple cream can't cure! (spreads some on) Ah, that's more like it! All better. See, Patrick?
Patrick: Sure do! Well, I'm gonna go sit in my hole. Catch ya later, pal.
SpongeBob: Bye, Patrick! (Patrick leaves, and SpongeBob goes and takes a shower. He lathers the soap into an anchor shape, and when he rinses, the fungus is in an anchor shape) Ah... This feels better! (We now see him doing a crossword) Let's see. A four-letter word. Meaning of uncomfortable sensation on the dermis... hmm. (feels an itch) ITCH!!! (starts scratching his head) Don't worry, SpongeBob. Everyone gets itchy, swollen skin rash now and then. Just don't scratch it and it'll go away... Eventually. (As he says this, a piece of fungus comes down onto his nose. Flings it onto the wall, but another one grows, so he pushes his nose in) There! Outta sight, outta mind! Huh? (sees the fungus on the wall, scoops it up, and tries to throw it away, but it sticks) I won't let this minor setback hinder my fry cooking! (puts on gloves from a first aid kit) Now nothing can distract me from frying up those patties... Except maybe this unbearable itchiness! Must... Stop... scratching!!! (scratches. Squidward comes in)
Squidward: SpongeBob-- (screams when he sees SpongeBob scratching the fungus) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, hi, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob? Why are you all puffy?
SpongeBob: All whaty?
Squidward: Your skin, SpongeBob! What's wrong with your skin?
SpongeBob: Oh, that! It's nothing really, Squidward... Just a little blemish, that's all! (nose pops out with the fungus, and Squidward screams. He jumps to the top of the cabinet)
Squidward: That's no blemish!
SpongeBob: Help... Me!!!
Squidward: Oh, I'll help you, alright! (takes out a phone)
S.W.A.T. Fish #1: S.W.A.T. Team. (gibberish on the other end) We'll be right over!(the team breaks through the ceiling of the Krusty Krab and slide down ropes from a helicopter)
S.W.A.T. Fish #2: Hold it right there! Dear Neptune's trident! This is the most severe case of ick yet.(tries to touch SpongeBob)
S.W.A.T. Fish #3: Stop, you fool! (smacks other fish's hand away) Do you wanna get infected? This is a job for the hazmat physician.
Hazmat Physician: Get back! I said, get back! Back I say! (pushes SpongeBob into a cage, which is promptly lifted by a helicopter)
SpongeBob: What's going on, Squidward? Help!! (as the helicopter flies away, a piece of fungus attaches itself to Squidward. Bubble-wipe to later, with Squidward at the cash register)
Squidward: Here's your change, sir. (hands him the coins, but some fungus gets on the old man. He puts them in his pockets, then readjusts his glasses, which leaves fungus all over his nose)
Old Man Jenkins: Oh, why thank you very much, young man.
Squidward: What was that? No, no, Mr. Squidward! That can't be the Ick. (scratches himself. Meanwhile, we see a SpongeBob completely covered in fungus in a bubble with tubes coming from it)
SpongeBob: Ooh, where am I? Whoa! (doctors are talking to each other) Who are you people? I wanna go home! (a scientist walks up)
Scientist: You are home, SpongeBob. You just need to stay in this bubble until the Ick clears up.
SpongeBob: Where's my snail, Gary?
Scientist: We're taking care of your pet. (Gary is in a bubble similar to SpongeBob's)
SpongeBob: Gary? Whoa! (notices someone scanning him)
Hazmat: He appears stable, sir.
Scientist: Alright, boys, let's pack it up. (they leave, and we see SpongeBob's pineapple, covered in a plastic bag, with police tape and barbed wire around it. It says "Quarantine" on it. Then, we see SpongeBob filter-feeding like in "I Had an Accident". Patrick walks in)
Patrick: Wow! (bumps into the bubble) Huh? What is this? (pokes it)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Stop! Stop! You're gonna pop it!
Patrick: Really? How about if I squeeze it like this? (squeezes it. SpongeBob gasps) Or this? (bites it) Or this? (digs cleats into it)
Patrick: Or this? (digs cleats into it again)
SpongeBob: Ah, Patrick! How many times do I have to tell you? Be careful!
Patrick: Sorry. Hey, wanna play a game of pirate wrestling?
SpongeBob: Sure! Let's begin! (they take out hooks and tear up the bubble) Um... Patrick?
Patrick: I win! I win! I win!
SpongeBob: Patrick? (Patrick starts dancing around and doing the "Worm")
Patrick: Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick!
SpongeBob: PATRICK! What am I gonna do? My bubble is destroyed.
Patrick: I've got an idea!(pulls out bubble soap and begins to blow a bubble around SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: There's no time for games, Pat! Now think, SpongeBob! The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands! (notices the bubble) Patrick, you're a genius! And this one's mobile! (wheels it around a little) Now I can go back to work! (puts on hat. Back at the Krusty Krab, Squidward's fungus is spreading)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Help! (pulls Squidward through the window into the kitchen) Help me flip these patties! We've got growling stomachs out there! (Squidward shakes his head, and gets Ick all over the patties)
Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!
Mr. Krabs: Then would it be too much trouble to ask his high and mightiness to take these patties out to the customers? (sighs) If only SpongeBob were here.
Squidward: If SpongeBob were here, we'd be covered in the Ick! (scratches, oblivious to the fact that he has Ick all over him, too) Lunch is served! (gives Ick Patties to a couple) Eat up, kids. (the kids bite into their Ick kid's meal, and as everyone bites into their food, Squidward scratches all over. Groans) Why am I so itchy? (gets some on the wall and sees that he has the fungus, screams and all the customers look at him) SpongeBob gave me the Ick! And I gave it to all you people! (an angry mob forms around Squidward) Stay back, you diseased freaks!
Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion about?
Fish #1: (with accent) The commotion, my dear crabs, is regarding the hygiene of this staff of your eating establishment, which would appear to be inadequate.
Mr. Krabs: Inadequate!?! I'll have you know, the staff of the Krusty Krab take a solemn pledge, to show up every day in a week clean and disease-free. (door opens and Mr. Krabs is awestruck)
SpongeBob: Sorry I'm late, Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob SquarePants, returning for duty, sir. (all eyes turn to SpongeBob in his bubble, who has swollen up to an enormous green square. He puts on his hat, and squirts green juice inside his bubble. The fish gasp)
Fish #1: Is that what you consider clean and disease-free, Krabby? I say we ransack this greasy disease shack! Who's with me?
All: We are!
Mr. Krabs: It wasn't me! It was Squidward! He gave you all the Ick!
Squidward: No! No I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab! (everybody growls and screams}
Fish #1: Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!!! (they attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out)
Gary: Meow.(sees what's happening. Some fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through)
SpongeBob: Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! No!!! (all the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Ick all over the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs starts laughing)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
Squidward: It's not me, Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob: Gary the snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission? (Gary cleans the Ick off of Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured! And he'll clean the Ick off any surface! Even Squid!(Gary sucks the fungus off Squidward next)
Peterson: Oh, oh! Me next!
Fish #3: Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
Patrick: I believe the expression is starfish first.
Fish #1: I supersede all of you. For I have an exotic accent!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution you'll be happy with. (bubble-wipe to later in the day) Step up to be de-Icked! Only 5 dollars! (the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him) Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?(the guy whacks him with his hat)
Fish #1: In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. (pulls out money) I'll take two, please.
Mr. Krabs: Alright! (SpongeBob is next. He hands Krabs the money)
SpongeBob: Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Another 5 dollars for another de-icking.(Gary cleans SpongeBob off)
SpongeBob: Look, Gare! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottomfeeder a sponge could ever have!
Mr. Krabs: Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work! (Gary burps loudly)