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Episode Transcript: BlackJack
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Episode Article: BlackJack
- Mother SquarePants
- Father SquarePants
- Grandma SquarePants
- Cousin BlackJack SquarePants
- Uncle Cap'n Blue SquarePants
(an envelope is pushed through SpongeBob's door)
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Postman. Thanks, Gary. (throws some popcorn into Gary's mouth) Hm, can't read the return address. (tears the envelope open) Maybe this will shed some light. (reads the paper) Hey, SpongeBob, it's your cousin BlackJack. Guess what? I'm out of prison and decided to pay your parents a visit. If you want to see them again, meet me for a wrestling match at their house. Try it little man. BlackJack. (end of letter) Cousin BlackJack's out of prison?!
SpongeBob: That's right, Gary! The cousin BlackJack! The same cousin BlackJack that used to beat me up all the time when we were kids. (flashback to SpongeBob with a bow tie and blue hat on)
BlackJack: (laughing) Come on, little man. Let's go a couple of rounds, if you think you're tough.
SpongeBob: Why should we?
BlackJack: Because it'll show what a little man you are. (spins SpongeBob around and plays with him as a jump rope. End of flashback)
SpongeBob: Oh, no. That was years ago, Gary.
SpongeBob: My sentiments exactly. Just imagine what he must look like now. (imagines BlackJack as a giant)
BlackJack: Hi, SpongeBob. It's been a while. Good to see that you're still a little man. (laughs. Picks up SpongeBob and tears him in half then laughs some more)
SpongeBob: That brute has my parents. I gotta get over there. (puts his clothes in a suitcase) Gary, I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't know if I'll ever come back.
SpongeBob: I may get beaten to a quivering pulp but I must do it, for the sake of my parents. (wipes his eyes with a pair of underwear. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's parents house where the building has been wrapped around with police tape and plastic) Oh, my gosh, what happened to my parents' house? What's this? "Do not cross?" Is that police tape? There's only one reason for the police being here: a crime has been committed. No! Get it together, SquarePants. To face BlackJack, you've got to be as tough as nails. (forces himself inside the house) Huh? What?! All the furniture is covered in plastic. The police must have covered everything to preserve the crime scene. What could have happened here?(walks forward a little) What's this? BlackJack smashed my family portrait. Oh, no. What has he done with my parents? (imagines parents watching TV)
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you what with you in the office all hours of the
day. (Mr. SquarePants snorts. BlackJack busts down the door and laughs) I got a new outfit for ya. (both parents are
SpongeBob: That fiend. Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. (reads note) SpongeBob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm gonna do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. He's gonna get Grandma, too! I have to stop him. (bubble-wipe to Grandma's house) Grandma! Where are you? Are you ok? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? (sees a gingerbread man on a plate) Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp. Oh, that animal! (sobs)
SpongeBob: Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?
Grandma: Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of
SpongeBob: But where's BlackJack?
Grandma: Oh, BlackJack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.
SpongeBob: Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?
Grandma: And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. (SpongeBob imagines his parents being hung over a
boiler by BlackJack) And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.
SpongeBob: Cleaning up the mess? (face deflates) I got to get help. I'll go to Uncle Cap'n Blue's. He'll know what to
do. (runs to Cap'n Blue's house, where he is mowing the yard. SpongeBob jumps on the lawn mower) Uncle Cap'n Blue, I need your
Uncle: Well, if it isn't little SpongeBob SquarePants. Plant a firm one on me, Bobby. (shakes SpongeBob's hand but tears his arm off in the process)
SpongeBob: I need you to help me rescue my parents.
Uncle: Sure, Little Bobby. I could use some help with the lawn, but you're gonna need this to do the job right. (hands
back his arm. SpongeBob mows the lawn. Time card appears)
French Narrator: 346 minutes later...
SpongeBob: Uncle Cap'n Blue, I need to help my parents. They're in danger.
Uncle: (turns off the mixer) What? You want to build a fence? (laughs) The boy came to work.
SpongeBob: Actually, I came to try to find my...
Uncle: (shoves wooden boards, hammers, and nails in SpongeBob's face) And when you're done, I've made a tomato and clam
juice smoothie to refresh you. (drinks the smoothie out of the mixer) Ah. (SpongeBob builds a fence all the way around
Uncle Cap'N Blue's property) (over speaker) And how many candles you burning out there? Over. (indistinct speech and static) Do you copy? Over? (tries turning the knob) Copy? Do you copy?
SpongeBob: Uncle Cap'N Blue, Uncle Cap'N Blue? Please help me.
Uncle: Well, of course you can. (SpongeBob cuts off some coral trees, paints the house, and fixes the boat. Time card appears)
French Narrator: Much, much, much later...
SpongeBob: (it is now night. Uses his tongue to crawl to Uncle Cap'n Blue's house. Yells) I AM DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR MY MOMMY AND DADDY!!!
Uncle: Landscaping? Isn't it a little dark out for landscaping? (SpongeBob grabs the music player and yanks it out of the wall)
SpongeBob: Listen, Uncle Cap'n Blue. We don't have much time. Cousin BlackJack has my parents help captive at his house.
Uncle: They let that dangerous miscreant out of prison? Sounds like your parents are in trouble, kid.
SpongeBob: That's why we have to rescue them now!
Uncle: Whoa there, Little Bobby. No can do.
SpongeBob: But Uncle Cap'n Blue, I need the help of a crime fighter like you.
Uncle: No, no, I don't chase criminals these days. I'm retired, and if I were you, I'd consider turning around and going home. You're not cut out for this kind of work, boy. An innocent kid like you doesn't stand a chance against a criminal mind. Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you?
SpongeBob: You mean they won't give me a push on the swing set?
Uncle: Well, let's just say, I hope you've practiced walking without legs, or arms, or a body. But since you insist, I'll drive you all the way over to BlackJack's right now. (SpongeBob digs up the concrete with his fingers) Just try to relax until we get there. (drives 20 feet and stops) There it is. We're here. (SpongeBob gets out) Uh, lock the door behind you, kid. (SpongeBob pushes down the lock and Uncle Cap'n Blue drives back into his house. SpongeBob goes up the steps and steps on a one that makes noise. A guard worm growls and barks at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Nice wormy, nice wormy. Nice wormy. (grabs the door handle to knock but is tapped on the shoulder by his Uncle in a thought cloud)
Uncle: Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you? (SB imagines himself knocking on the door and BlackJack grabbing him through the door and using him as dental floss. He screams)
SpongeBob: Uncle Cap'n Blue is right. I'm not cut out for this. I should just turn around and go home. (Mrs. SquarePants screams) Mother! (runs through the door) Mom?
Mrs. SquarePants: Help me!
SpongeBob: They're trapped in the basement. (runs down into the basement) Mom, dad, quick! Let's get out of here.
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, but if we leave now, we'll miss the party.
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, why yes. We're celebrating your Cousin BlackJack's release from prison.
Mr. SquarePants: Now if your klutzy mother can stop dropping her punch glass like she dropped that picture frame...
Mrs. SquarePants: I told you, Harold, that was the fumigator's fault.
SpongeBob: The fumigator's? So that wasn't a crime scene I saw at your house.
Mr. SquarePants: The only crime that ever happened at our house was the infestation of those worthless krill. But they
should be gone by now.
SpongeBob: So you two aren't being tortured by Cousin BlackJack?
Mr. SquarePants: No, SpongeBob. Your Cousin BlackJack has paid his debt to society and renounced his criminal ways. Never again will he litter.
BlackJack: That's right, little man.
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, well here comes the man of the hour now. He's been talking all day about playing with his little cousin again. He mentioned something about jumping rope with like the old days. (SpongeBob's eyes break)
BlackJack: Did you come here to quiver like a jellyfish, or did you come to wrestle?
SpongeBob: (whimpering) To quiver. (hides his eyes, nose, and mouth inside his head)
BlackJack: I always knew you were a little man. Prepare to live your past in the present. (laughs)
SpongeBob: (whimpering) Come on, Little Bobby. Don't let him beat you. You've got to stand up for yourself this time. That's it! I am not gonna take this anymore! I am putting my foot down! You wanna tussle? Well, let's tussle it up! (Cousin BlackJack runs at SpongeBob and hangs onto his leg. He is the size of SpongeBob's foot) Cousin Blackjack?
BlackJack: In the living flesh. (grunts as he takes off SpongeBob's shoe and punches his big toe)
SpongeBob: That tickles.
BlackJack: Just like the old days, eh, cousin?
SpongeBob: Yeah, BlackJack, you haven't changed a bit. (everyone laughs)