Episode Transcript: Grandpappy the Pirate

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Ditchin Cephalopod Lodge

Episode Article: Grandpappy the Pirate

Characters

Dialogue

Mr. Krabs: Hey, I'm expecting a fifty cent rebate check. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.

Mailman: Sorry. No check. But I've got this. (gives Mr. Krabs a bottle and walks away)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, a corrospondence in a bottle, eh? (reading) Ahoy, Eugene. I'm so proud you followed your ol' Grampa's peg leg and became a pirate, that I'll be sailing by for a ship's inspection. That vessel better be well-oiled or you'll be dancing the short plank jig. Happy looting! Grampa Redbeard! (not reading) (Gasp!) Grandpa Readbeard comin bla, bla, bla!

SpongeBob: I didn't know your grandpa was a pirate, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Aye, I come from a whole family of pirates. Gramps used to say, "The Krabs Clan has been pirates for as long as we've had claws." And he wanted me to be a pirate, too.

(He flashes back to when he was a baby. His grandpa was babysitting him on his pirate ship.)

Baby Mr. Krabs: (chewing a rattle)

Grandpa Redbeard: (fighting pirate skeletons) One day, you'll be a plunderin' pirate just like yer ol' granddad here.

Mr. Krabs: So I bought me a ship, hired a crew.....

Crew member: Aaarrrrr!

Mr. Krabs: And for years, I drifted the high seas as a pirate. And booty did abound.

Crew members: (lined up to get paid)

Mr. Krabs: I started to notice a recurring fee. I just wasn't turning enough profit. So I fired me crew and sold me ship. ‘Twas also the last time I saw me granddad.

Grandpa Redbeard: Aaarrr, if it ain't me pirate grandson.

Young Mr. Krabs: Well, actually, Grandpa,...I just sold...

Grandpa Redbeard: Ya know how proud it makes me to see me only grandson continuin' in the family business.

Young Mr. Krabs: Yeah, uh, Grandpa what happened ...

Grandpa Redbeard: And well I'll be keepin' me eye on yer career to see how you progress. Just remember, the only rule in the Pirate's Code of Honor is: Never tell a lie.

(The flash-back ends.)

Mr. Krabs: For all he knows, the Krusty Krab is a pirate ship. If he were to find out the truth, it would break his salty, barnacle encrusted heart. Boo-hoo!

SpongeBob: Why don't we just make the Krusty Krab look like a pirate ship.

Mr. Krabs: Hm. Not a bad idea, boy. But we're gonna need a first rate crew.

SpongeBob: We've got Squidward. And I could get Patrick to join up.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah.

(An hour or two pass.)

Mr. Krabs: All right, me hearties! Get this one thing clear. If Grandpa Redbeard is ever gonna believe I'm a pirate, ye landlubbers are gonna have to pass for a pirate crew. Which means, I want you to look like a pirate. (puts a bandana on Squidward) I want you to talk like a pirate.

SpongeBob: Who are thee? I mean...shiver me timbers!

Mr. Krabs: But most importantly, I want you to smell like a pirate. (smells Patrick) Very convincing, Patrick. And as me crew, you'll be makin' the Krusty Krab into an imitation pirate ship! Now, let's get this resturant ready to sail!

(A few minutes pass.)

Mr. Krabs: (breaks the bar holding the tableabove the ground. He sticks it in the cash register for a steering wheel.)

Squidward: (starts painting the floor of the Krusty Krab black)

Patrick: (hammers two wooden boards together)

SpongeBob: (puts the Krusty Krab sign on the roof)

Patrick: (breaks a wooden board with his hammer)

SpongeBob: (removes the shell from the pole and replaces it with a crow's nest)

Patrick: (breaks another wooden board)

SpongeBob: (pours garbage into a bucket and stirs it)

Patrick: (glues some broken wooden board pieces together)

Squidward: (paints some wave-shaped pieces of cardboard)

Mr. Krabs: (pulls on a rope and releases the Jolly Roger)

Patrick: (glues the final wood piece to the rest to make the rim of the ship)

Mr. Krabs: Way to go, fellars.

Grandpa Redbeard: (swings to the ship) Hee-ar!

Mr. Krabs: He's comin'!

Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har!

Mr. Krabs: Hide me, boy.

Grandpa Redbeard: Eugene, me boy! Aye, it's good to see you and yer ship after so many years! Just beginin' to think you was lyin' to yer old granddad!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I...Heh, heh. So, have ya met me hearties?

Grandpa Redbeard: Hm...you call this a pirate crew?. But more miserable jellyfishers than swarvy brime-skimmers.

SpongeBob: Um...

Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har! I'm just yankin' yer chain, boy! You look like a fine pirate crew.

Mr. Krabs: Oh.

Grandpa Redbeard: Now, let's see what this rusty old pelican can do! Let's sail!

SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Aye, sir!

SpongeBob: Ahoy, Captain! We be catchin' a mighty gale from the northeast.

Mr. Krabs: Indeed, indeed. And just look at the treacherous surf in our path!

Squidward: (hanging from the front of the ship and moving the pieces of cardboard he painted to make it look like waves)

Patrick: (hanging from the window. He takes a drink of water and spits it on Grandpa Redbeard)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, that salty sea air be so thick, ya can almost taste it.

Grandpa Redbeard: Aye.

Mr. Krabs: I better take the helm and guide us to safer waters. Aye, that be a wicked soundin' wind out there, eh, Granddad? I said, "Aye, that be a wicked soundin' wind out there!"

SpongeBob: Oh!! (turns on a record player. It makes wind noises)

Mr. Krabs: There it is! That wind storm I mentioned earlier, it...and, aparrently me cabin is haunted as well.

Grandpa Redbeard: (picks up a hair net) What's a hair net doin' on a pirate ship? Every pirate knows that the majority of his daily nutrition comes from whatever hair or skin flakes fall off the coke and into the stew. This hair net is deprivi' your crew of its essential nutrients.

Mr. Krabs: Uh, just a sec. (turns a video projector on) Look out, Grandpa! We're under attack! (The video projector shows a kraken emerging from the water.)

Kraken: Grrrrrr....

Grandpa Redbeard: Aye, look at the size of that beast.

Mr. Krabs: Not to worry, Granddad. (grabs a harpoon)

Grandpa Redbeard: Aha! That's the stuff!

Mr. Krabs: (throws harpoon) Yaahh! Uh... good toss, eh, Granddad?

Grandpa Redbeard: Whah!

SpongeBob: (catches the harpoon)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, nothing. Look! (The video projector shows a harpoon landing on the Kraken and knocking him underwater.)

Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har, har! That's me boy!

Mr. Krabs: Clear!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!

Patrick: Hooray!

SpongeBob: Woo-hoo!

Mr. Krabs: Sounds like we got a prize. (whispering): Ready, Squidward?

Squidward: You owe me big time, Mr. Krabs. (takes off his bandana and inflates his head)

Mr. Krabs: Ar! Take that, ya, ya scurvy dog! Woo! Check the size of this, Granddad.(He is holding Squidward, who looks like the Kraken.) Check the... Granddad?

Grandpa Redbeard: Ahoy! Trouble aproachin' quick! Approximately ten clips of the starboard bow! Man your battle stations!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no. If Granddad sees something, it must be the real deal.

Grandpa Redbeard: What have ya got, cotton in yer ears?! Move!

SpongeBob: (stacks some bags of sand)

Patrick: (raises the Jolly Roger)

Squidward: (reading a book)

Mr. Krabs: What exactly are we dealin' with, Grandpa?

Grandpa Redbeard: Somethin' bigger than I've ever seen! A ravin' garganst comin' by with coarsmatic tangled locks!

Mr. Krabs: (Gasp!) Oh, so repulsive.

Grandpa Redbeard: Yeah. It must be destroyed! Here, see for yourself. (gives Mr. Krabs a telescope)

Mr. Krabs: Go get it, Granddad.

Pearl: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. What kinda disgusting, horrible abomination is dare invade me vessel? (looks over the rim of the ship)

Pearl: Dad!

Mr. Krabs: (Gasp!) That disgusting, horrible thing is me daughter!

Grandpa Redbeard: (points a cannon at Pearl)

Pearl: Open up!

Grandpa Redbeard: Prepare to meet yer maker, sea witch.

Mr. Krabs: Nooooo! (puts out the fuse on the cannon)

Grandpa Redbeard: What are ya doin'?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I, oh, I was just checkin' the cannon and makin' sure it was loaded. (The cannon collapses.)

Grandpa Redbeard: What is this?!

Mr. Krabs: I can explain.

Pearl: Dad! Dad!

Grandpa Redbeard: Now it's even more angry!

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry! I have it under control! (jumps off the ship)

Pearl: Daddy!

Mr. Krabs: Pearl! Could ya pipe down? Your Great-Granddad Redbeard is in there!

Pearl: (Giggles) What's with the lame outfit?

Mr. Krabs: What? Oh, never mind that! (pushes Pearl away) Just go home. (climbs back up the ship)

Grandpa Redbeard: (breaks a cardboard wave)

Mr. Krabs: I bet you're wondering about that.

Grandpa Redbeard: Ar, you're darn tootin' I am!

Patrick: (spits on Grandpa Redbeard)

Mr. Krabs: Do you mind?

Grandpa Redbeard: What kinda ship are you runnin' here?

Mr. Krabs: Just a second. (removes the wind record from the record player and throws it on Grandpa Redbeard's nose)

Grandpa Redbeard: Arrrrrrrrrrrr. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Mr. Krabs: Now, Granddad. There's a simple explanation.

Grandpa Redbeard: I've smelled sticky things, but nothin' smells stickier than a lie! The code that all pirates live by, you knows what it is, don't ya?

Mr. Krabs: Of course I do, Granddad.

Grandpa Redbeard: Well, then, say it!

Mr. Krabs: Okay. It's... it's... it's... a pirate never lies! (starts crying) A-and I've been a dirty liar! (starts crying again) Everything you see is a lie! This sail is a lie! (tears down the sail) This crew is a lie! (rips their pirate clothes and they're animals)

Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward: We're animals!

Mr. Krabs: Even the ship is a lie! (takes a wrecking ball as Squidward, SpongeBob, and Patrick run away and he destroys the ship. The regular Krusty Krab restaurant is back.) All of it! All a lie! (Takes the cloth with a jolly roger design on it off the Galley Grub)

Grandpa Redbeard: Krabby Patties: $2.00. Krusty Combo: $3.99! Gourmet: $1.95?!

Mr. Krabs: You see, Granddad? I'm no pirate. I'm just a lowly restaurant owner! (crying) I'm sorry I failed ye. (sobbing)

Grandpa Redbeard: Fail, me boy?! Ha, ha, ha! Why, I couldn't be more proud. Look at yer ludicrous prices! Now, that's real piracy. Ya done good, boy-o!

Mr. Krabs: Really? Thanks, Granddad!

Grandpa Redbeard: Why, thank yourself, lad! You created this dynasty on yer own! Now, I'll be takin' me lead, boy!

Mr. Krabs: Goodbye, Granddad! What an honest man!

Grandpa Redbeard: (steals Mr. Krabs's money) I hope ya don't mind, boy-o, but I helped myself to a little bit of yer booty! (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: I knew I got me talent from someone! (laughs)


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