Episode Transcript: Nautical Novice

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Episode Article: Nautical Novice

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(Episode Starts at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)

Mrs. Puff: Remember class, there is only one way to park a boat: the safe way. You now see the importance of proper steering, and a properly calibrated anchor. (no one is listening, except for SpongeBob, who is writing notes and putting them in his brain) Which brings us to the subject of rudder maintenance... (bell rings)

SpongeBob: Barnacles! Just as we were getting to the nitty ritty.

Mrs. Puff: Wait a minute, class! Remember, we will not be here tomorrow. We will be going on a field trip to the boating museum. Now, run along kids.

SpongeBob: Wow, the boating museum! Maybe tomorrow if I can impress Mrs. Puff with an extensive knowledge of boating history, she'll give me a boating license on the spot. (laughs, then pretends his desk is a boat, then goes out) See you tomorrow, Mrs. P.

Mrs. Puff: Neptune, give me strength! (cuts to SpongeBob's house at night time)

SpongeBob: Let's see. Huh, there she is. (SpongeBob reaches for, and gets bumped on the head with, a big book called "The History of all Boating Ever...")

Gary: Meow. (SpongeBob gets the book off his head) Meow?

SpongeBob: What is this, Gary? Why, it's the complete history of all boating ever. And I'm going to memorize it tonight for the big field trip tomorrow.

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: I'm perfectly capable of reading 7,400 pages, and still getting my required 8 hours of sleep, before the bus picks me up promptly at 8 A.M. tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get started. (Gary goes away) All right, let's see what this little pamphlet is all about. (reading) "Chapter 1: In the beginning, Neptune created the sail..."

Narrator: 7:59 A.M.

SpongeBob: (finishes reading) "...but such tragedies will be avoided, with the flying boat of the future. The end." (He is completely exhausted) Time for a little shut eye before... (falls asleep, then his alarm clock wakes him up) Mrs. Puff, can't this wait 'till tomorrow? (goes back to sleep, then wakes up) Hang on a minute, this is tomorrow! (runs out of his house, and sees the bus leaving) Hey, wait! Hey! (catches up with the boat) Mrs. Puff, please stop the bus! (knocks on window)

Bus Driver: What was that?

Mrs. Puff: Noting! Uhh... Just keep driving. (SpongeBob knocks again) Step on it! (bus driver does so)

SpongeBob: Wait! (disappears)

Mrs. Puff: Phew. (SpongeBob gets on the window, Mrs. Puff screams, and SpongeBob gets in the bus)

SpongeBob: No worries, I made it!

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob? You look terrible!

SpongeBob: I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows Mrs. Puff, before the day is out, you may have learned something yourself. (Mrs. Puff smells his B.O., and sprays him with "Shower in a Can") Hey, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I made this for you! (shows her a tiny boat)

Mrs. Puff: Made What?

SpongeBob: This. The HMS Pinafore. At 1 to 8,427 scale of course.

Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Do you know how many rowers it takes to propel a tri-beam?

Mrs. Puff: Well, that would be...

SpongeBob: Do you know which boat is the fastest on record?

Mrs. Puff: Wasn't that the...

SpongeBob: Did you know that in the future, all boats will be powered by dolphin manure? Did you know that the HMS Blue Toes was originally a racing boat before it became the royal family's private yacht? Do you know what scuttling is? What's bigger, a flotilla or a fleet? (cuts to later) Ever been on a... (boat stops, and SpongeBob gets propelled on to the windshield)

Bus Driver: We're here. (SpongeBob melts, and then turns back to normal outside.)

Mrs. Puff: Welcome class, to the boating museum. This enormous vessel, was once the largest in all the seas. But now that it's been converted into a museum, it no longer moves.

SpongeBob: Actually, it get's taken to port once a year for maintenance.

Mrs. Puff: If you don't mind SpongeBob, I'll be doing the teaching today.

SpongeBob: No problemo, Mrs. P. (they walk into the museum)

Mrs. Puff: Here it is class, the most extensive collection of sea faring history ever assembled. From giant naval vessels, to more modest craft, like this clamming boat.

SpongeBob: I'd say this baby can hold up to ten clam fishers.

Mrs. Puff: Uhh... Sure, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Why, I bet they reel in up to 50 clams a day.

Mrs. Puff: Moving on. Over here we have the Sandy Nub. It was a cargo ship used to bring back exotic spices from far away lands.

SpongeBob: (laughs) With 2 directing steam turbines, producing 6,500 horse power, geared up to triple screws. (snaps) It'll get your spices where they need to go.

Mrs. Puff: (angry) Thank you again, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: It's working, she's noting my vast knowledge! I can now taste the sweet, sweet, lamination of a fresh boating license! (cuts to them walking up to another boat)

Mrs. Puff: This class, is the Lady Scallion...

SpongeBob: ...named after the captain's strict diet of scallions. Of which the crew complained, and the captain's odor strongly resembled. For four years, this brigantine explored distant lands, discovering places unknown to anyone besides the people who already lived there. (Mrs. Puff is very angry) Are you ready to give me that license yet, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: Oh, you're gonna get it, all right!

SpongeBob: I knew it! (cuts to Mrs. Puff explaining about a boat, but SpongeBob has the class on the boat, then she opens a charcoal oven, revealing that SpongeBob is in there, then SpongeBob explains about some artifacts, then the field trip is over)

Mrs. Puff: Okay, this is the end of the tour. Any thing to add SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (notices SpongeBob is not there. He is in the control room of the boat)

SpongeBob: Ooh, boy! Here it is, the main controls. Just look at all this stuff. There's the triple oscillator, and there's the hoist pully, and there's the booby trap, and there's the long range mast knob, and there's a hot dog with extra mustard. (gasps) And there is the starter mechanism. (points at key, but then points at the air conditioning button) That, right there. "A/C." Hmmm. That's short for "automatic cositionada." And that's fancy, fancy talk for let's get this party started, like instantly! (SpongeBob presses it, then the air blows at him. He points it away from him, and the key accidentally goes in the starting position. The boat then starts) Phew, I'm glad that's over. (notices jellyfish) Oh, well that's a nice touch, what a soothing projection screen. (Mrs. Puff comes in)

Mrs. Puff: That's not a projection screen! (jumps in SpongeBob's lap) SpongeBob, stop it right now!

SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am. (SpongeBob puts it in turbo speed)

Mrs. Puff: Oh sweet Poseidon! Move aside! I've gotta stop this ship before it plows into Bikini Bottom. Uhh, let's see, the first thing to turn off is... Oh, dear Neptune, I've never driven anything this advanced before. SpongeBob, I hope you knew what you were talking about, because it's up to you now!

SpongeBob: Okay.

Mrs. Puff: We don't have much time, and if you mess this up, you'll be flattening millions of innocent lives!

SpongeBob: Innocent lives?

Mrs. Puff: And you are the only one who can save them!

SpongeBob: The only one, that, can save, them?

Mrs. Puff: Yes! Now, what I want you to do is, tighten the gurneys, then survey the poop deck, then...

SpongeBob: Stop! I know what to do! (SpongeBob puts a captain hat on) I read a book. Chapter 1, batten down the hatches. (SpongeBob closes the windows) Next, lower anchor. (the anchor gets caught) Oh no, the anchor's stuck! I'm going to have to free it manually! I'll be right back. (SpongeBob goes out and pulls on the anchor, until he frees it. He then goes back to the control room) Done and done! Thirdly, utter a hearty sea man's laugh. (SpongeBob laughs a hearty laugh)

Mrs. Puff: Oh, my gravy! He even knows the hearty laugh. He has been doing his homework.

SpongeBob: (Continues laughing, then finishes.) And finally, the coupe de grace. The only way to park the largest ship ever built, is by performing the reverse 720 tale spin.

Mrs. Puff: (gasps) But that's never even been attempted before!

SpongeBob: You're right, it hasn't. Not until now! (SpongeBob does it, making the ship stop right before it hits Bikini Bottom. Both are relieved)

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I don't know how, but you did it! You saved us all! Let's get off this thing. ...and the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought I'd say this, but here's your driver's license!

SpongeBob: (screams) Oh boy! At long last!

Porter: What are you two doing here?

SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff: Huh?

Porter: No one should be on board while I'm tugging the museum into port.

Mrs. Puff: You mean he wasn't driving this thing at all?

Porter: Heck no! (Mrs. Puff tears up SpongeBob's driver's license. SpongeBob is disappointed, and takes off his hat) Now don't get so down kid. Look, for your false bravery, I'm giving you your honorary Sea Legs, okay. Come on, let me buy you an ice cream. (SpongeBob notices that the head lights are on.

SpongeBob: Oh, gosh. (laughs) Head lights are on!

Mrs. Puff & Porter: Don't touch anything, you twit! (SpongeBob runs up the stairs)

Porter: Run! (they run, and the ship falls on top of them. Mrs. Puff puffs up at the top, and SpongeBob pops up)

Mrs. Puff: Good thing you studied.

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