Episode Transcript: Dear Vikings
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Episode Article: Dear Vikings
SpongeBob SquarePants: (sweeping)
Eugene Krabs: (moving his hands around over a table with a banner above it)
SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!
Krabs: Huh? (turns his head to see who was talking to him) Oh. Ahoy, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!
Krabs: Okay, that's over with, Now why don't you go see if First Mate Squidward needs any help at the register?
Squidward Tentacles:(standing aroud, doing nothing. He is covered in spider webs)
SpongeBob: And what are you up to on this fine, fine Monday?
Krabs: Well, I was gonna wait til this afternoon, but I guess I could show you now.
SpongeBob: Show me what?
Krabs: I'm introducing a new Krusty Krab promotion.
SpongeBob: Ah! You are?!
Krabs: I sure am.(starts to walk away. Here, the banner above the table is revealed to say, New Krusty Krab Promotion. On the table, there are three cups)
SpongeBob: Who are ya gonna introduce it to?
Krabs: Well, all my loyal customers, of course!
Krabs: (glares at Squidward) Anyway, we got new beverage cups.
Krabs: (pointing to the cups) There's Regular, Large, and the new Viking Size!
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, these are all the same size cup.
Krabs: SpongeBob, this promotion is designed to save US money. Now, don't forget. Each participating patron who purchases any drink in our new Krusty Krab Viking Size cup gets to a chance to try on this genuine cardboard Viking helmet. (holds up a cardboard helmet that is taped and has three fake emeralds taped to it)
Squidward: That he found while cleaning out his attic over the weekend.
Krabs: Don't you know when you're being ignored?
Squidward: You're the only one talking.
SpongeBob: (staring at the Viking helmet) Mr. Krabs... (reaches out to take the helmet) it's beautifu-
Krabs: Not so fast! Access to the mighty helmet will be granted to active promotion participants only. And only those who purchase Viking Size.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's a Viking?
Krabs: Oh, well, uh... the Vikings lived a long time ago.
SpongeBob: How long?
Krabs: Oh, I, uh, about ten years.
Krabs: Uh..... (walks to his office) You're gonna have to ask Squidward any more questions ya got. He's the smart one. (closes his office door)
Squidward: Barnacle butt.
SpongeBob: (appears next to Squidward) Hi, Squidward!
Squidward: Ay! What do you want?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs said you were gonna teach me all about the Vikings.
Squidward: Oh really?
SpongeBob: Will ya teach me, huh?!
Squidward: Sure! I'll teach ya. Listen closely now. The Vikings were....
Vikings: (standing, some with weapons)
Squidward: a race of scholars and scientists who lived before even Mr. Krabs was born.
Viking: (puts ketchup on a hot dog)
Viking: (eats a hamburger)
Squidward: They are believed to have discovered ketchup....
Viking: (holding a leash)
Squidward: and enjoyed dressing up their pets as....
Brick with legs: (tied to a the leash. It barks)
Squidward: scrambled masonry on the weekends.
Vikings: (watching a movie on a projector screen. It shows two fish in a car)
Squidward: Their favorite movies are in black and white.
Guy with axe on projector screen: (appears)
Viking: Look out!!
Other Vikings and guy with axe: Sssshhhhhhhhh!
Squidward: And grown Vikings are known to collect socks which they display and trade at monthly sock trading conventions called Sock'n Garten.
Vikings: Sock'n Garten.
Squidward: (goes back to reading his magazine)
SpongeBob: Squidward, do you think Vikings really drink their beverages in Viking Size?
Squidward: (sarcastically, but enthusiastically) Of course they do! How else Mr. Krabs come up with such a brilliant idea?
SpongeBob: Do you think that-
Squidward: SpongeBob! Can't you see I am trying to work?
Squidward: (angry) But what?!
SpongeBob: There's so much more about Vikings that I wanna find out.
Squidward: (still angry) Well, then why don't you go ASK THEM?!
SpongeBob: (Gasp!) Thanks, Squidward! (kisses Squidward on the Head)
SpongeBob: (returns to the kitchen. While flipping Krabby Patties, he reads a letter as he writes it) Dear Vikings, I am writing to ask you guys about your lives and stuff. (Now, he is shown walking to a mailbox with his mouth closed, but you can still hear his voice) If you would take the time to (puts the letter in the mailbox) answer all my neat questions, (starts to walk away) then that would be (walks back to the mailbox and puts the red flag up) really swell.
The scence cuts to the post office.
Mailman: (drives a car full of sacks of letters to the post office. After sorting a few letters, he comes across SpongeBob's envelope, which says, "To Vikings" with a heart below the words. He moans, takes the envelope, walks outside, and throws it away)
Two men in a garbage truck: (pull up to the garbage cans. The men play rock, paper, scissors. The man who was driving plays paper, and the other man plays scissors. The driver goes outside, grabs a garbage can, and trips on his own shoe lace. Trash spills everywhere, but SpongeBob's letter lands right in front of the driver. He picks the envelope up, takes one look at it and stands up. The other garbage man knocks on the windshield of the truck, but the driver just runs away. His hat falls off to reveal a Viking helmet)
Viking: (waits at the bus stop with Fred, Old Man Jenkins, and Ms. Shell)
Fred, Old Man Jenkins, and Ms. Shell: (stare at the garbage-scented Viking)
Bus: (drives through sun light, rain, and snow. Meanwhile, the Viking is shown riding a bike. He rides around mountains. Soon, the top of the mountain range is shown)
Viking King: (on his throne, between two female Vikings) Ah, Helga. Tell me once again of the time ye visited those remote Himalayan hot springs.
Viking: (crawls through the door of the palace, out of breath and filthy) A letter. (goes unconscious)
Viking King: (angry and banging his fists) WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS COME IN HERE DURING STORY TIME?!!
Viking: But... but, I-
Viking King: Guards!
Guards: (grab the Viking)
Viking: (drops the envelope) Please! No! You don't understand! I was only trying to.... eh...
Guards: (throw the Viking)
Helga: Your Majesty! Look! A letter!
Viking King: How incredibly interesting! I must read it at once.
The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.
Squidward: (reading his magazine. The whole restaurant shakes like crazy. Squidward neither says nor does anything. A large Viking ship crashes through the front of the KK. Some Vikings get off)
Squidward: (bored) Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?
Tough Viking: Ve're Vikings. Our chief has sent us here because (holds up SpongeBob's letter)ve got this letter.
Squidward: SpongeBob, there's some Vikings here to see you.
SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward? I couldn't here ya. I was.... ooh.
Tough Viking: Ah.. are you the one they call the SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Uh, I think so.
Tough Viking: Vell, ve are here to teach ya ALL about the Vikings!
Tough Viking: Vun of the things Vikings like to do is... redecorate.
Vikings: (run around. They chop a table with their axes, punch the soda machine, tip over a table holding some pots and pans, and torch a toilet)
SpongeBob: How interesting.
Tough Viking: (there is fire everywhere) And another thing ve Vikings like to do is appropriate. (pulls on the cash register until the wires snap, and throws it on the ship)
SpongeBob: What a fascinating culture.
Tough Viking: And on occasion,... the Vikings... (pulls out a rope) ve've been known to liberate. (ties Squidward up with the rope)
Squidward: What the?! Hey! You can't do (gets thrown onto the ship) thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-!!
SpongeBob: (tied up by a rope) I can't believe how much I'm learning.
Vikings: (row the ship away after throwing SpongeBob on)
Krabs: Squidward, I'll be back in one hour. I'm going on my lunch break. (sees the fire) Squidward?
The scene cuts to the Viking ship.
Squidward: Would you mind telling us what this is all about?
Tough Viking: (spitting) Shes. (P.S. He started to say sure, but changed to yes) Now that you're part of our crew,... I guess we should introduce ourselves. (punches a Viking on the chest) This is Olaf. (slaps a Viking on the chest) And this is Olaf. (points to a Viking) And this is Olaf. (points to a Viking) This... is Olaf. Olaf. Olaf. Olaf. And... um.... (covers his eyes and snaps his fingers)
Tough Viking: Olaf.
Squidward: So, let me guess. Your name must be....
Tough Viking: That's right. Gordon. (Awkward pause as Squidward gives a stunned surprise face)
SpongeBob: Nice to meet ya.
Gordon: Now. Before I put you two to verk, I vanna know vhat...
SpongeBob: Wait! I still have lots more questions about the Vikings' way of life.
Gordon: Like what?
SpongeBob: Well, like... what do the Vikings like to do for fun?
Gordon: Hm... fun. Um, um, um, uh, vell,....
Green Olaf: What about the Shield Toss?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. (grabs a shield and throws it at a door)
SpongeBob: Anything else?
Green Olaf: Oh! What about Flaming Shield Toss?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. (grabs another shield, lights it on fire with a torch, and throws it at the door)
SpongeBob: Anything else?
Gordon: Eh, I, I, I can't really think of anything.
Green Olaf: Me neither. Oh, yeah!
Gordon: Vhat is it, Olaf?
Green Olaf: We like to sing songs.
Gordon, Purple Olaf, and Orange Olaf: NO WE DON'T!!
Green Olaf: (being carried away) Wait! No! Okay, I admit it was a lousy idea. I promise it won't happen again. (gets thrown into a catapult)
Gordon: You got that right.
Green Olaf: (gets launched by the catapult. He screams, and splashes into the ocean)
Gordon: Any other questions?
SpongeBob: (stunned) I'll let you know if I think of anything.
Gordon: So. Tell me. Vhat is it that you two know how to do?
SpongeBob: Well, Mr. Krabs tells me I'm pretty good with a spatula.
Gordon: Quiet. You're our ship's new head chef. And... vhat can you do? Squidward: Well, if you must know, I'm a widely renowned clarinet virtuoso, state-recognized interior design consultant, licensed and board certified antique macrame conosuor, born and raised collector and sculptor of driftwood, and able to recognize over 13 hundred brand names of single-personed pedal operate vehicles at a single glance. Thus, I make a killer soufle.
Gordon: Impressive. You'll be the ship's bathroom attendant.
SpongeBob: A prommotion! Congratulations, Squidward!
Squidward: (appears in front of Gordon) Hold it right there, whiskers! Let's not forget you're the one who dragged me onto this crate in the first place. Now, you ask me to pour my heart out, and this is the respect I get? Well, you got another thing coming, honey! I want off this boat, pronto. (appears in the catapult) On second thought, bathroom attendants make me some tips. Well, look on the bright side, Squidward. No more living next door to SpongeBob. Let her rip, Jack-o!
Purple Olaf: (pulls back his hammer and gets ready to launch Squidward)
SpongeBob: Wait! (stops the hammer) You can't do that.
Gordon: You mean to question the vill of the tribe?
SpongeBob: If it means saving my best friend, then yes.
Gordon: (throws an ax in front of SpongeBob) Vell. Then pick up the veapon and fight with me a duel in accordance with the prophecy. (pulls a sword out of no where)
Olafs: Do it, do it, do it, do it!, etc.
Gordon: Go on. Pick it up!
SpongeBob: But.... (struggles to pick up the ax)
Gordon: Go on. Veakling.
Purple Olaf: Heh! Owned!
SpongeBob: But, but I...
Viking Ship: (crashes into an iceburg. An alarm sounds, and everyone panics)
Blue Olaf: We're being attacked by a giant monster. This is the end, uh, the end, uh, of the Vikings!
Overweight Olaf: Oh, Valhalla! Why have you forsaken us?
SpongeBob: Guys, you just ran into a piece of ice. No one's forsaken you. There's a breach in the hull over there. You just gotta patch it up.
Gordon: (pulls out a blanket) Quick! Everybody take one of these!
SpongeBob: What's that for?
Gordon: It's a security blanket.
SpongeBob: But, how ya gonna patch up a leak with that?
Gordon: Ve're not. But it makes us feel so much better.
SpongeBob: (runs away)
Gordon: Vait! You forgot yer blanket!
Squidward: (still tied up in the catapult) What the barnacles is going on down there?
(SpongeBob appears next to him) Dee-eee-eee!
SpongeBob: Pardon me, Squidward! (breaks the rope that was tying Squidward with his spatula)
Squidward: (sliding down the catapult) It's all yours.
SpongeBob: Thanks. (lassos a mast and the catapult turns) There.
Purple Olaf: Look up there! What's he doing?
SpongeBob: Here goes nothing! (throws his spatula at the pedal. The catapult launches him into the breech in the hull.)
Viking Ship: (straightens up)
SpongeBob: Now that's what I call a Viking-sized adventure!