Episode Transcript: Chum Caverns
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Episode Article: Chum Caverns
(Mr. Krabs kicks a mom and her son out of the Krusty Krab.)
Mr. Krabs: And good riddance! Next time, you should read our sign about the mandatory side of fries policy!
(Mr. Krabs takes a customer to the front register.)
Mr. Krabs: Lookie, another bright-eyed, bushy-tailed customer!
Fish #1: But I, but I..
Mr. Krabs: (puts his "finger" into Fish #1's mouth)-stop spending money here? Well, don't worry, I'm certainly not going to keep you from doing what you want. Give him a Krabby Patty with the works!
Fish #1: I'm not hungry.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that's funny.
(He handcuffs the fish to the ordering boat.)
Mr. Krabs: I'll think about that one while you buy a kelp soda.
(Mr. Krabs goes into the kitchen, where SpongeBob is flipping patties as usual.)
Mr. Krabs: Boy, you're doing it all wrong! Here, take this.
(Mr. Krabs hands SpongeBob another spatula.)
Mr. Krabs: Now you can flip 2 patties at the same time; do twice the work!
(SpongeBob gasps and excitedly does so.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you're a-
Mr. Krabs: -genius? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just a little off.
(Mr. Krabs walks away.)
SpongeBob: Wow, if only I were a little off.
(Mr. Krabs walks by the fish and into his office.)
Fish #1: Are you gonna let me out of here?
(In his office, he trips on a loose floorboard. He uncovers it to reveal the message-in-a-bottle Krabby Patty Secret Formula.)
Mr. Krabs: Me formula! Darn these flimsy nails, how am I supposed to hide me formula with this nonsense? Ah, well. It's the life I choose to live.
(He nails the floorboard back down, and Plankton watches from an enormous telescope that goes out the Chum Bucket and into the Krusty Krab through the chimney.)
Plankton: Did you see that?
Karen: Yeah, Krabs hides his formula under the floor, so what?
Plankton: So, everything, that means I know where it is!
Karen: Doesn't mean you can get to it.
Plankton: Ugh, what kind of wife...? We'll just see about that.
(Cut to Plankton using a giant mining drill powered by him on a stationary bicycle. Karen is on a screen on the inside.)
Plankton: I knew this baby would come in handy.
Plankton: Turn on the navigation system, honey! Let's get this show on the road!
Karen: Dig 50 meters, then turn right.
(He does so, digging straight down and then turning at a 90-degree angle.)
Plankton: Heh, heh, heh, at this rate, we'll have the formula before you can say...
(The machine is stopped by a giant boulder.)
Plankton: Barnacles! Now what?
Karen: It appears that we've stumbled into a mishap. Now, we're stuck between a rock and a hard place...literally.
Plankton: Well, let's just dig deeper and go around it!
Karen: Uh, the only problem with that is...
Plankton: Shh! Can't you see I'm concentrating?
(He starts to go under and around the rock.)
Plankton: Yes! You see what happens when you let me make my own decisions? Now, maybe we'll get somewh- AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!
(The drill goes through the roof of a subterrainean cavern and they fall into a completely-enclosed underground cave. The miner lands in an underground river and Plankton comes out the exhaust pipe.)
Plankton: What happened?
(Karen appears on her mobile base.)
Karen: Well, right before you started making your own decisions, I was about to say we were digging right above an underground cave!
(She shows a diagram on her monitor-- The cave is like an underground rock bowl, with no exits except the tunnel the drill made through the top of the "roof". Plankton looks around at the river flowing through it, the dark bluish-gray stalagtites dripping with water. A waterfall runs out the upper side of a cave rock "wall".)
Plankton: The majesty! I've never seen such beauty.
(He starts to cry, and Karen has sparkplug-shaped "tears" coming down on her screen.)
Karen: Sob, sob, cry, sob...
Plankton: It's just a shame no one else can see it!
(A lightbulb appears on Karen's monitor.)
Karen: Plankton! I think I know how to push Krabs out of business-- we'll lure customers underground with this gorgeous scenery.
Plankton: Karen, please! I'm trying to process my emotions! ...Karen! I think I know how to push Krabs out of business-- we'll lure customers underground with this gorgeous scenery!
Plankton: Man, I'm good!
(Growling comes from another cave attatched to this one.)
Plankton: Cave dwellers!
(Big, hairy orange creatures with brown hair, sharp tusks and green lips come out of a cave. Plankton pulls out a whip and whips them into submission. They all sadly huddle in a corner.)
Plankton: Back! That's better. From now on, you shall be my minions-- Servants to follow my every order! I
decree this kingdoms to be called the Chum Caverns! And may the people of Bikini Bottom shudder in awe of its majesty! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
(Later, a daughter drags her mom by the hand to the Chum Bucket.)
Fish #2: Come on, Mommy! I wanna see the Chum Caverns before the line gets too long!
Fish #3: Never you mind, Susie, it's already too late for that!
(A long line forms in front of a bucket-shaped elevator operated by a high-tech pulley system in front of the Chum Bucket. The pulley is attatched to the index finger of the purple glove that holds the top of the Chum Bucket, and is pointing down towards Chum Caverns. The elevator opens, people crowd in, it closes again, and it lowers them down to Chum Caverns. In Chum Caverns, there are tables like the ones at the Chum Bucket all around an eating area, divided off by the river, and a great view of the waterfall. A menu and intestine-shaped tube comes from the ceiling and hovers above the ordering counter, placed between the eating area and the river. One of the cave creatures squirts chum onto a tray for a customer from the big tube and snarls.)
Cave Creature #1: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Fish #4 (Harold): You know, this stuff is hideously inedible, but the decor is so amazing, I can't resist spending my money here!
Cave Creature #1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(The fish walks away smiling, despite the spit and slobber from the cave creature cashier. SpongeBob is next in line.)
SpongeBob: 2 orders of Chum Nuggets, please!
Cave Creature #1: AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
SpongeBob: That certainly is chum! And such steamy chuminess deserves recompense!
Plankton: Oh, I'll take that!
(SpongeBob happily hands Plankton some money.)
Plankton: Eat your blackened, twisted, money-grubbing heart out, Krabs!
(He hops over to his register, stuffed and overflowing with money.)
Plankton: I'm even profitting off of your most loyal ally! I'm running out of space for this stuff! Got an empty safe I can borrow, Krabs?
(Plankton laughs coldly.)
Plankton: But seriously, this is getting really heavy.
(Falls under the weight of all his money. Patrick sits at a table with 2 Chum Sticks and slides the chum off the stick with his teeth when SpongeBob joins him.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, isn't this place amazing?
(Patrick tries to repsond with a mouthful, spitting food into SpongeBob's eyes. SpongeBob blinks and his eyes fling the food back into Patrick's mouth.)
SpongeBob: Here are your Chum Nuggets, buddy.
(SpongeBob pushes a styrofoam take-out container towards Patrick.)
Patrick: Oh, I almost forgot! Here's your Chum Kebab!
(Patrick hands him a drooly popcicle stick.)
SpongeBob: Um, I guess you don't come down here for the food, anyways. You come down for the subterrainean splendor of the Chum Caverns!
Patrick: (spits more food into SpongeBob's eyes while trying to speak) That, and the gift shop.
SpongeBob: Oh, that's right, Patrick! The gift shop!
(They run into the Chum Caverns Gift Shop with windows and glass doors carved out of the rock wall, laughing. Inside, as shown through the windows, are stalagmites, gems, shells and other cave rocks, as well as other trinkets typical to a regular gift shop. Later, SpongeBob walks into an empty and abandoned Krusty Krab with a rubber stalagmite hat merged with a mining helmet on.)
SpongeBob: Yeah, baby! I've got cavern fever!
Mr. Krabs: Where have you been, and what is that ridiculous thing on your head?
SpongeBob: It's a "stalagminer", available exclusively at the Chum Caverns Gift Shop.
Mr. Krabs: How dare you spend all the money I don't pay you at me archrival's business! Boy, Plankton's really cleaning up down there, which means it's time to start running into the ground.
(Cut to Plankton, serving up an order in Chum Caverns.)
Plankton: Another order of Chumballs!
(The entire cave shakes and rumbles, and cracks form in one of the walls.)
(Mr. Krabs bursts through with a jackhammer.)
Plankton: Krabs? What are you doing here?
Mr. Krabs: I'm here to steal back me customers, with the savory flavor of the Krabby Patty!
(He moves a patty back and forth before their eyes, and they drool and thier heads follow it like a dog.)
Mr. Krabs: Now, go get it!
(Motions to SpongeBob, who is manning a burger stand vendor labelled "The Krusty Krab". All of the customers rush over.)
Plankton: Krabs, you can't just slither down here and steal all my customers! It's unethical!
Mr. Krabs: Unethical? This is perfectly legit! I call all building rights under my restaurant!
Plankton: Sea turtles! He called it! He always was good with legal jargen.
(Plankton jumps onto his drill from earlier.)
Plankton: Alright, Krabs, if you think it's fair to undercut my business, then I'm gonna undercut you!
(Plankton digs underneath Mr. Krabs, which causes the ground Mr. Krabs is standing on to crumble, and him to fall a story down.)
Plankton: Heh, heh, heh! How does it feel, Krabs? Being in the hole, so to speak. Not well, I'd imagine. Now hold still so I can bury you.
Mr. Krabs: Not if I bury you first!
(He tunnels under Plankton with his jackhammer, so the chunk of rock Plankton's on falls, too. The customers and SpongeBob watch, all wearing the stalagmite hats.)
Plankton: Fine, Krabs, have it your way!
(Each constantly tunnel under each other, a spoof the the arcade game, "Dig Dug", until they fall into a very deep tunnel, and rocks seal it up. Mr. Krabs' gasps echo throughout the crevice.)
Mr. Krabs: We're trapped! Trapped, I tell you!
Plankton: This is all your fault! I oughta boil and butter you for this!
Mr. Krabs: Plankton, I don't think you grasp the severity of our situation. We're trapped down here. As in, THERE IS NO WAY OUT!!! AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Plankton: Ha! There may be no way out for you, Krabs, but you needn't worry about me! My diminutive stature allows me to slip through rubble with ease.
(He tries to slip between some gravel, but cannot because they are too heavy.)
Plankton: I can't make it. We're doomed!
Mr. Krabs: Uh-huh. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
(The two wail.)
Mr. Krabs: Comfort me!
(They embrace each other and sob.)
Narrator: (tearful) 15 minutes later...
(They both somehow now have gray beards.)
Mr. Krabs: Aw, look at us! Old, gray...
Plankton: ...Nearing the end...
Mr. Krabs: Say, Plankton, say we get out of here with out lives, let's agree to work together.
Plankton: You're right, Krabs. Let's bury the hatchet now and forever!
Mr. Krabs: We have a deal. No more bickering.
Plankton: No more skullduggery of any kind.
(They shake on it, and hear a rumbling sound from above.)
Mr. Krabs: Hang on a minute, don't you hear that?
(SpongeBob breaks through the top with a jackhammer.)
Mr. Krabs: Woo-hoo! You found us! I oughta pay you for this!
SpongeBob: Or, just pay me for the job I already do!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Plankton, we're free!
(Tears off his beard.)
Mr. Krabs: Where'd he go?
(Plankton is running up the tunnel with the jackhammer.)
Plankton: I'm way ahead of you, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: You better not be trying to steal me formula!
Plankton: I am, and I will!
Mr. Krabs: But what about our deal?
Plankton: What? We're still working together, come on! You're helping me steal your formula!
Mr. Krabs: THAT'S IT! JUST WAIT 'TILL I GET ME CLAWS ON YOU!
(He tunnels up and resurfaces on the other side of the Krusty Krab.)
Plankton: Aha! Now time to get that formula!
(The land beneath the Krusty Krab begins to crumble, and we see a view of all the tunnels made in the episode has left no support for the building, so it sinks into the earth and lands at the bottom of the tunnels. Now, SpongeBob, Plankton, Mr. Krabs and all the customers are stuck in the Krusty Krab, and the cave-in sealed the doors.)
Mr. Krabs: Satisfied with yourself, Plankton? Now you've trapped us all underground!
Fish #5: But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant!
Mr. Krabs: Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner! But without Squidward, I need someone to work the register.
(Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip.)
Cave Creature #2: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
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