Episode Transcript: No Nose Knows
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Episode Article: No Nose Knows
(Episode starts with Squidward walking home. He places his keys on the table, and puts down a bag that says "Nautical Mart" on it. He then takes some stuff out.)
Squidward: I thought I told that kid not to put the organic sea cucumber on top of the free range anemines. Well at least my flowers survived the trip. (Squidward sniffs it, then SpongeBob's nose is in his nostril. Squidward screams, his house shakes, bats fly out, then sneezes him out) SpongeBob, would you please find your own flowers to sniff.
SpongeBob: What about Patrick, does he have to find his own flowers too? (Patrick pops up from the flowers, and they die)
Squidward: What are you taking about, nitwit? He doesn't even have a nose.
Patrick: Of course I have a nose, Squidward. Why, it's as plaid as the nose on my... (human hands touch his face, then he talks sadly) ...face. (Patrick touches Squidward's nose, then his face, then SpongeBob's nose) You're right, Squidward! (cries)
Squidward: My floors! Think fast, Squiddy. I've got your nose.
Patrick: You do?
Squidward: Yeah I've got it... (Squidward touches Patrick's face, and holds his thumb, looking like a nose) ... right here.
Patrick: Give me! Give it here!
Squidward: If you want it, you gotta go get it. (pretends to throw it, then they run outside, and Squidward shuts the door. They then look around)
Patrick: There! (Patrick picks up a shell) Well SpongeBob, what do you think of my new nose?
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a nose that's a... (a hermit crab bites him) ...hermit crab.
Patrick: I guess I'll always be a noseless freak. (cuts to them walking down the street)
SpongeBob: It's not so ab-normal to be noseless. Just look around. Lot's of fish don't have noses.
Patrick: Yeah, but all my friends have noses. You, Squidward, Sandy, even Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs walks on screen sniffing around, then sees a penny)
Mr. Krabs: There you are. (picks it up and continues sniffing)
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, if your so concerned about not having a nose, why don't you just get a new one stitched on to your face.
Patrick: I can do that? (cuts to Patrick with a false nose tied on him)
Surgeon: Well, what do you think?
Patrick: Sorry doc, but I don't really think it's me.
Surgeon: That's a-okay. That's cool. As the lead surgeon here, I take a hypothetical oath. Which means I will not stop, I will not rest, I will not cut a single toenail, until the customer is 100% satisfied. So please, browse are extensive wall of noses. And I will patiently await your final decision.
Patrick: Okay! Let's see. Hmm. (looks around)
Surgeon: Excellent choice! (puts him on a medical bed. Scene cuts to him walking out of the Nose n' things, with a nose bandaged up)
SpongeBob: All right Patrick, let's unveal the new shanauze. (tries to pull of the bandages, but Patrick stops him)
Patrick: Wait, stop, careful SpongeBob! This fragile stitching requires tender care. Allow me to carefully remove the bandages. (Patrick crushes his nose, then pulls off the bandages, then uses a cooking mixer, then a sander)
SpongeBob: There it is, Patrick! Your brand new sniffer! Looking good buddy. (silence for a few seconds) Well, I've gotta go to work now. Have fun with your new nose.
Patrick: I will! Now, how do I use this thing? (smells something) What is that smell? (walks over to a bakery) Pastries? I never knew they smelled so good! (sticks his face in and sniffs them)
Harold: Well, I guess I won't be eating those. (cuts to Squidward walking out of the Nautical Mart with more flowers)
Squidward: Let's see Patrick destroy these. (Patrick sniffs them all in his nose, then he is sitting on a lawn mower smelling the grass, then putting on deodorant, and sniffing his arm pit. He then smells some bread, and floats toward it. He then floats through a cloud of perfume a lady is putting on)
Patrick: All these years I knew I was missing out on something, but I never thought smelling could be this good! (Patrick smells a bad smell, then falls) What is that horrible smell? (notices something) Onion rings? (sniffs them, then screams and covers his nose) The scent! Nobody told me about bad smells! (a bad smell taps him on the shoulder) What is it now? (Patrick sniffs some trash, the stench is alive, then runs away from the stench) I'm going to have to re-think this whole smelling thing. (runs into his rock, and the smell vanishes. Patrick sits in his chair) I made it. At least here at home, I can't be attacked by those rechid odors. (Patrick smells a bad smell again) Bad smells are all around me! (takes a look at all the trash. His eyes then water up, and he runs outside) I can not live in these conditions! (puts a mask on his nose, then gets some cleaning spray and a brush. He then runs to his rock to clean it)
Narrator: 48 hours later. (Patrick's house is really clean, and he is still cleaning)
SpongeBob: Hiya Patrick. How... Whoa! Hey, looking good.
Patrick: The smells! They're everywhere! It's unbearable! (cries, then Squidward walks on screen)
Squidward: What's wrong with the pin head? (Patrick smells something, and screams)
Patrick: There's another one! No! I can't take it!
Squidward: Where do you think you're going?
Patrick: To do what should have been done long ago. (barges into Squidward's house, then smells something, and opens his refrigerator, revealing bad smelling cheese) Ahhhhh! Sweet Neptune, imported cheese! (runs off screen, then comes back with a mask and sack) This is in-excusable! (puts it in the sack) Yuck!
Squidward: What are you doing with my cheese?
Patrick: It's rotten garbage now. (throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a gun) That's better.
Squidward: That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!
Patrick: You are sick, Squidward! (Patrick smells another bad smell) There's that smell again. (Patrick looks out the window, and we see SpongeBob working out)
SpongeBob: 1, 2, 3, 4 (has trouble lifting the weight again) Come on SquarePants, be a man! (lifts it up)
Patrick: You! (SpongeBob is scared, and drops the weight on him)
SpongeBob: Patrick, help!
Patrick: (throws the weight off him) Oh, I'll help you all right! Help stop you polluting are world with your sweaty holes. (plugs up SpongeBob's holes with corks) There.
SpongeBob: I can't work at the Krusty Krab looking like this. I'm out of uniform.
Patrick: Well you can't go to work smelling like that. You should be thanking me, SpongeBob. (smells another bad smell) Smell's like, something greasy. (cuts to the Krusty Krab) Nobody move! I am riding this place of its disgusting stench, with these scented candles!!!! (puts a candle on a table. Harold tries to eat a Krabby Patty, but can't)
Harold: (coughs) My mouth can't take these conflicting flamers! (walks away, then Patrick puts scented candles on every table)
Patrick: This air freshener should finish the job. (sprays it, then everyone coughs. Patrick then puts a candle on the cashier boat)
Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles do you think you're doing? You're chasing away all me customers! (everyone leaves)
Patrick: Well good! No one should have to eat in this stench!
Mr. Krabs: What? Why, I got a good mind to...
Patrick: Say no more, you can thank me later. Right now, I've got plenty more stink holes to swab clean.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that new honker of his, has turned him into a complete jerk! (Patrick walks outside, and Sandy walks past him)
Sandy: Hiya Pat. (Patrick sprays Sandy with the air freshener. Sandy screams, then coughs)
Patrick: Take a bath, fleabag! (cuts to the Krusty Krab. Where Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Sandy, and SpongeBob are there)
Mr. Krabs: I've asked you all here, because we all face a similar problem. The problem, a sea star with a nose that's gotten way out of hand. (all except SpongeBob agree) Now what I want to know is, are we going to do something about it? (all, except SpongeBob agree again)
Squidward: Let's give him, what for.
Sandy: Let's hogtie him and run him out of town on a rail. (all, except SpongeBob agree again)
SpongeBob: (in thought bubble) Come on SpongeBob, be a man! (talking) Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Not now boy! We're in the middle of a public lishen! That no good, nose flartin...
SpongeBob: It is not Patrick's fault!
SpongeBob: It's the new nose that has betrayed us. My grandma SquarePants always says, punish the nose, not the man. But we're going to need something foul, something beyond foul, a stench that will blow the socks off his infested socks! (cuts to them pushing a giant stinky ball toward Patrick's house, in air suits, so they won't smell it) Okay, this should be stinky enough. I've gathered every sweaty sock, moldy pizza, and rotten piece of fruit in Bikini Bottom. With a little raw sewage for good measure.
Mr. Krabs: Ata boy! Now for the moment of truth!
SpongeBob: Yes sir! (SpongeBob knocks on Patrick rock, then runs away)
Patrick: Hello. (smells the bad smell, casing his nose to turn into a worm and cough, then dry and shrivel out) No! (his nose than falls off, then vanishes) All I wanted was to be able to smell like the rest of you. (runs away crying, then cuts to a cemetery)
SpongeBob: (reading tombstone) Here lies the nose of Patrick Star. Rip... (referring to the R.I.P) Well this is terrible! All Patrick wanted was to be like the rest of us, and we punished him for it!
Squidward: Who cares? At least now that pink moron will leave us alone.
Patrick (now with giant ears) I heard that!