Episode Transcript: Professor Squidward

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(The episode begins at the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall, where Squilliam Fancyson from "Band Geeks", "Squilliam Returns" and "House Fancy" finishes playing the clarinet. The crowd cheers and throws flowers at him.)

Squilliam
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

(He sniffs a flower that was tossed to him. Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. The fish next to him leans over him.)

Fish #1
Isn't it grand?
Squidward
What is?
Fish #1
He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant!

(The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. Squidward exits the building, jealous.)

Squidward
Alright, I've had quite enough! Bunch of nonsense!
Fish #2
Look, here he comes now!
Fish #3
It is him!
Squidward
Huh?
Fish #3
Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson III that we all came here to see perform tonight?
Squidward
No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
Fish #3
Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
Squidward
Why?
Fish #3
Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town. I thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I'd offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity of teaching your own class.
Squidward
My own music class? Did you say Squilliam Fancyson?
Fish #3
Yes.
Squidward
I'm Squilliam Fancyson.
Fish #3
But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
Squidward
It is. I mean, wha-? No, it isn't!
Fish #3
Oh, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music concert?
Fish #4
A very pathetic one, that's who!

(The two chuckles, and then Squidward joins in insincerely, overdoing it.)

Fish #3
Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
Squidward
Who? I mean, a good evening to you as well.

(He rushes off.)

Fish #4
Hm. Music type.
Fish #3
Oh, so strange.

(Cut to what looks like a metal shack with music notes painted on it. A sign titles the location as the "Bikini Bottom Prestigious Music College". Squidward walks into a classroom wearing a Beethoven-style wig and carrying a music case. The students all have clarinets on their desk, and Squidward places his clarinet on his desk, too.)

Squidward
Good evening, students. Now...
All
Good evening, professor.
Squidward
...As I was saying, our first...

(A student raises his hand.)

Squidward
Yes?
Fish #5
Aren't you going to write your name on the board like most professors do?
Squidward
My name? What for?
Fish #5
Well, I don't know, it just usually seems like teachers write their name on the board on the first day of class.

(Squidward sighs in frustration.)

Squidward
Why don't you come write your name on the board and see how you like it.

(The student sighs, and then chuckles slightly, confused.)

Fish #5
OK...?

(He comes and writes "Billy" on the board, underlining it.)

Squidward
There. Now how does that feel, Billy?
Fish #5 (Billy)
OK... I guess...
Squidward
Good. Now why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business.

(There is a pause, and then Billy sits back down.)

Squidward
Now, if we can go another five minutes without any further interruptions, I'd like to...

(SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly there. SpongeBob is interrupting with his laughter.)

SpongeBob
Hey, look! It's Squid-

(Squidward covers SpongeBob's mouth.)

Squidward
Squilliam, everyone ! He was about to say, "Squilliam"!
Patrick
Oh, uh, actually, I think he was about to say, "Squi-"

(Squidward covers Patrick's mouth, too.)

Squidward
Didn't you two nincompoops know, I had my name legally changed to "Squilliam Fancyson", and you are only to refer to me as Professor Squilliam from now until the very end of time. Now blink twice so I humbly know you understand me!

(They do so, and Squidward uncovers their mouths.)

Squidward
OK, good.

(Patrick blinks a third time.)

Squidward
Wait... He blinked 3 times!
SpongeBob
Wow, only 8 minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz! Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
Patrick
I'll say!
Squidward
Would you two numbskulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?
SpongeBob
Sure. Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument.
Squidward
You clearly told me your New Year's resolution was to sign up for a slimming, toning and increased muscle mass program.
Patrick
It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
I have been really happy with the results... See?

(He shows a slim, muscular leg.)

Squidward
Wow, those are impressive results.

(Cut to later. Squidward clears his throat to begin a lesson.)

Squidward
As you may not be aware, music is...

(Interrupted by SpongeBob's laugh.)

Squidward
...Music is a...

(He is interrupted again.)

Squidward
...Music is a complicated series of...

(SpongeBob laughs once more and Squidward turns around to face him. He stares for a second.)

Squidward
...Is a complicated series of notes that when played in...

(SpongeBob laughs again really loudly.)

Squidward
SpongeBob, do you mind? There are other people here besides you, you know! And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
SpongeBob
I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam.

(Winks)

SpongeBob
Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.

(He points to Patrick, who tries to act innocent.)

Patrick
No way! He's making that up! See! It was him!

(He points back at SpongeBob.)

Squidward
You think you expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
Patrick
You had better tell him, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
Alright, it was me.
Squidward
You were tickling yourself?
SpongeBob
Mmm-hmm...
Squidward
How?
SpongeBob
Like this...

(He tickles his shoes and laughs. And he keeps on tickling his shoes)

Squidward
Alright, that's enough!

(Later, the entire class is in one row of desks, SpongeBob and Patrick separated on either side.)

Squidward
There. Now as I was saying, music is a series of complex...

(SpongeBob is laughing yet again.)

Squidward
SpongeBob, I thought i told you to stop tickling yourself!
Patrick
Actually, that time it really was me.

(Squidward is confused and freaked out. Later...)

Squidward
Now, I will draw some notes on the chalkboard.

(Patrick whispers something to SpongeBob as Squidward attempts to draw a grand staff on the chalkboard.)

Squidward
Excuse me, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

(Patrick shakes his head no.)

Patrick
Uh-uh.
Squidward
Come on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
Patrick
Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
Squidward
I've never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting or irrelevant!
Patrick
Well, actually there was a railroad convention in town last week and I bought myself this nifty conductor's hat.

(He puts on the blue-and-white striped railway hat.)

Squidward
I have never seen a more ridiculous object on top of anyone's head anywhere!
Patrick
Well, I dunno. It suits my needs.
Squidward
What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive?

(He cracks up.)

Patrick
Yes.

(He takes one out. It looks like a steam-powered electric train set.)

Squidward
What the-!?!

(Patrick, suddenly about half his size, gets in the model train and rides around the classroom, and into a trash can, which Squidward promptly shuts him in, and puts it out back. He returns to the classroom, dusting his hands off.)

Squidward
Now where were...

(Sees Patrick back in his desk.)

Squidward
...We...?

(Later, Squidward pulls out a metronome.)

Patrick
This is what's called a metronome.
SpongeBob
Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
Patrick
No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
Squidward
Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.

(He starts it, and it ticks side-to-side. SpongeBob and Patrick move their heads side-to-side also.)

SpongeBob & Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

(Squidward stops it.)

Squidward
Do you mind?
SpongeBob & Patrick
...tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Squidward
Is their something seriously wrong with your heads?
SpongeBob & Patrick
...tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
SpongeBob
My whole life has been pointing me in one direction.
Patrick
I see it now... There's never been any choice for me...
Squidward
Would you two nincompoops CUT IT OUT, OR AM I GONNA-!?!

(Bob the anchorfish from "The Krusty Sponge" and "SpongeHenge" comes in with a camerafish behind him.)

Bob
Hello, we're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm the reporter.

(Squidward gasps and fluffs his wig.)

Bob
We're here to conduct an interview with esteemed musical genius, Squilliam Fancyson.
SpongeBob & Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Squidward
Please ignore them.
Bob
Are they students or yours?
Squidward
No, just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
Bob
They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this makes a much hotter scoop.
Squidward
Hotter? Scoop?
Bob
The sort of thing like this borders off the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
Squidward
Paranormal? The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I am going to make you two disappear!
Bob
Don't blame me! Blame the market!

(He shoves the two out of the classroom, and the bell rings, awakening SpongeBob and Patrick.)

SpongeBob
Where am I? I thought I was in some sort of horrible trance!
Squidward
Do you wanna know what happened?
SpongeBob & Patrick
OK!
Squidward
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what may be my one and only chance that I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of hope into the culturally-barren wasteland that each and every one of us has been forced to call home.
Fish #6 (Harold)
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Squidward
Now, do you two have anything to say for yourselves?
SpongeBob
Well, I guess if I could say one thing, it's "We're, sorry, Squidward."
Patrick
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
Squidward
No, no, no, no, no, no!!! Sshhhh!!!
Fish #6 (Harold)
Hey! Did those guys just call you, "Squidward"?
Squidward
No, no, no, no, no, no!!! They said, "Squilliam"!
Fish #7
I knew that this guy was a phony from minute 1! I'm getting out of here.
Fish #6 (Harold)
Yeah! Me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
Squidward
No! Wait! No!

(Blocks the exit.)

Squidward
You're not going anywhere!

(Policefish slam the door open and burst in, bruising Squidward. The cops grab him by the arms.)

Squidward
What's going on here?
Policefish #1
Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over!

(Squilliam, the college matron, Bob and his camerafish are all in the classroom.)

Fish #3
It's true! We're on to your little ruse!
Bob
What a hot scoop!
Fish #3
The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.

(She points to Squilliam's.)

Squidward
But...

(They remove Squidward's wig.)

Policefish #2
No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

(They cuff him and lead him out. SpongeBob places another metronome on his desk and sets it in motion.)

SpongeBob & Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
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