Episode Transcript: Squid's Visit

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(October 2012, last attempt not defined)


[edit] Dialogue

(The episode starts at the Krusty Krab, outside. Next scene, it is in the Krusty Krab. Squidward is reading a magazine on Art, and he blinks. SpongeBob's eye appears through the kitchen window, and he looks at him. Mr. Krabs walks up to Squidward putting his arm on the cash register-boat, smiling. He tries to clear his throat. Squidward blinks again)

Mr. Krabs: Bleh!

Squidward: (he doesn't look up from his book, but his head raises) May I help you?

Mr. Krabs: (Squidward lowers his head back down again) Well... it's almost quittin' time, Squidward. You... got any big plans for after work? (Squidward licks his tentacle, and flips the page).

Squidward: Nope. (Mr. Krabs frowns at him. SpongeBob blinks. Mr. Krabs walks away. SpongeBob disappears from the window, and appears again next to Squidward at the cash register-boat. He blinks, and that is when Squidward notices him, squints his eyes on him, and starts grunting furiously).

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. (his voice is a little bit lower) Pretty incredible shift, huh?

Squidward: (sarcastically) If you say so.

SpongeBob: Any plans after work?

Squidward: (annoyed): No.

SpongeBob: (relaxed voice) Yeah, me neither. Just gonna be hanging at "casa de esponja". Feel free to drop by if you're in the neighborhood. (giggles)

(Squidward disappears leaving his work hat and his Art magazine behind. Next, Squidward is seen walking away from the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob follows after him)

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Wait up! Squidward! I realized I really didn't extend a proper invitation back there. (holds out his hand) So what do you say, Squidward? Why don't you come over to my house for a visit tonight? (Squidward says nothing. SpongeBob pokes him) Squidward? (Pokes him again. Then he raises his voice a little bit louder) Squidward? (Pokes him again) Squidward? (Pokes him once more) Squidward? (Squidward stops walking, and SpongeBob walks right into him. He backs up a few spaces)

Squidward: SpongeBob, thank you so much for that lovely invitation but I must respectfully tell you I will never visit you. (yells) EVER!!! (His yell blows SpongeBob away. SpongeBob hits the ground with the sound of a chicken cluck, and Squidward walks away. Squidward sighs). Take heart, Squidward, it'll all be over soon. (He stops to see SpongeBob is sobbing and holding onto his leg)

SpongeBob: (sobbing into a puddle) Oh, please come over for a visit, Squidward! (his eyes turn into giant black circles with three giant holes in them) It's been so long! I can't even remember your last visit! (He keeps on crying)

Squidward: That's probably because I've never visited you.

SpongeBob: (sobbing) Please? Please? Please?! (Squidward is at the bus stop) Please!!?? Please!!?? (A bus comes up, and when it leaves, the puddles from SpongeBob's crying are still there. Next scene is a quick visit to the laundromat) Please? (Next scene is another visit to the Barg'N-Mart) Please? (Next scene is at a restaurant) Please, please? Please? (Next scene is back at Squidward's house) Please, please? Pleeeaase? Pleaaaaaase? Please? Please? (Squidward is still dragging SpongeBob furiously who picks him up, and shoves two of his tentacles on his doormat, walks in, steps on him, and closes the door. He immediately gets up)

SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward. Maybe some other time! (waves and walks away) (Time card "24 Hours Later" appears, in a design the same as the Slide Whistle Stooges title card)

French Narrator: Twenty-four hours later... (Squidward is again reading a book called "Art" at the Krusty Krab, when SpongeBob appears. Squidward moans).

SpongeBob: Hey-ho, Squidward. You got any... (Squidward grabs SpongeBob's lips)

Squidward: Before you ask me that question, ask yourself this: Why would I want to leave the comfort of MY home for your dirty LITTLE HOVEL? (he keeps pulling on SpongeBob's lips which immediately pull back onto his face. SpongeBob smiles)

SpongeBob: What if I got a couple of throw pillows?

SpongeBob: (Bubbles float indicating the next scene, which starts outside at Conch Street. The camera keeps on slowly zooming in on SpongeBob's house. Next, the camera is inside SpongeBob's house where he and Patrick are putting together a puzzle). Patrick? (Patrick blinks) Has Squidward ever visited you at home? (Patrick is trying to work two pieces of a puzzle with are both two shades of green together. The camera immediately goes to the next clip which is directly on Patrick).

Patrick: Only once. To take back some stuff I borrowed. (This clip is directly on SpongeBob whose finger is on a puzzle piece in a light shade of green and who is moving it back and forth).

SpongeBob: He said he wouldn't leave the comfort of his own home for MY dirty little hovel.

Patrick: (He is holding some glue, possibly puzzle glue. He glues it on a puzzle piece spilling lots of it onto the table). Borrow something, and he'll have to come over to get it back. (He smashes the already-glued puzzle piece into the big pile of glue). Uhh! (Patrick scoots out of his chair and walks out of the kitchen). Well... hey, thanks for lettin' me play puzzle with you. See ya later! (he opens the door revealing outside-- huh? SpongeBob snaps his fingers)

SpongeBob: That's it!

(bubbles float indicating the next scene, which has a clip in which the camera is exactly on the front of Squidward's house.

Squidward (from inside): A stick of butter, and just a touch of pepper (This clip is inside of his house, where Squidward is at his table cooking, pouring salt. On the table are also a few dirty dishes that seem to have been smeared in chocolate, a bottle full of purple liquid, some purple spills, and salt). Ho-yahhh! (hammering on nails are heard, surprising Squidward, causing the pepper to fly up in the air, and to land in one of Squidward's plant. As it tilts, some of the pepper spills onto the rug). Not on the rug! (he angers furiously, and goes to his window and opens it up. (By SpongeBob's house is a ladder). SpongeBob! Will you keep it down?? I am trying to cook! (The window to SpongeBob's house opens, and there is SpongeBob holding a hammer).

SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Squidward! Just doin' a little home improvement.

Squidward: Well, you made me spill pepper all over my imported rug! (points his tentacle down. Shuts the window. SpongeBob waves, smiling).

SpongeBob: Oh-okay, Squidward. (Squidward sighs)

Squidward: SpongeBob! (walks toward his closet) I need the right tool for the job. Huh? (he sees a little note with a smiley sun, and SpongeBob in Squidward's thoughts reads what it says)...

SpongeBob in Squidward's thoughts: Dear Squidward, Thanks For lending me your vacuum cleaner! Sincerely, SpongeBob SquarePants. (the note turns into SpongeBob's face who says)... Oh, P.S., (laughs each time the camera zooms on Squidward's face. SpongeBob's purple telephone, though usually it is a conch shell rings. SpongeBob hits his desk, and the telephone flies up in the air, and lands in SpongeBob's hand who is in a relaxed mood, seeming like by his face).

SpongeBob in person: SquarePants residence. (Squidward's red phone is seen, and Squidward is in an unhappy mood, by the looks on his face).

Squidward: Why do you have my vacuum cleaner?

SpongeBob: (seemingly excited): Squidward! (wiggles fingers) It's been a while since I last got a call from my favorite next-door neighbor! (Squidward slaps his head)

Squidward: (angered): That's because I've never called you! Now, why have you stolen my vacuum cleaner?

SpongeBob: I didn't steal it, silly, I borrowed it.

Squidward: Are you done cleaning up that dingy hole you call home?

SpongeBob: (very excited): You won't even recognize the place, Squidward (gasps excitedly)

Squidward: Yeah, probably not. (SpongeBob keeps on gasp-like panting. This clip is on the window between Squidward's and SpongeBob's houses who are looking at each other by their windows. I'll be over to get my vacuum in twenty minutes. (slams window shut)

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward is finally coming over for a visit! (this clip is at Squidward's house putting a casserole in the oven, mumbling and angers).

SpongeBob: Bubbles float indicating the next scene. Squidward is knocking on SpongeBob's door. Squidward blinks. The door opens to see SpongeBob. The inside of his house is seen dark green. SpongeBob is smiling). Squidward! I've been expecting you! Welcome to my humble of ode! I hope that you will find comfort. And please don't hesitate to ask me if there's anything I can... (Squidward pushes SpongeBob out of the way, mumbling softly).

Squidward: I just want my vacuum back... (he makes a shocked look on his face) You've made an exact replica of my living room! (camera pans left to right revealing everything in Squidward's house).

SpongeBob: (Squidward's mouth is dropped wide open) Well, you said you wouldn't leave the comfort of my home, (puts out his hands) so I brought the comfort here! (louder voice): Isn't it GREAT!?!? (SpongeBob laughs, Squidward angers).

Squidward: (yelling): NO! IT ISN'T!! You can't just steal my decorating style, and... (slaps his face, and rubs his tentacle down it). Never mind. Just give me my vacuum. (SpongeBob holds up a cup of iced tea with a blue bendy straw, a lemon, and a pink umbrella.

SpongeBob: Would you care for a cool and refreshing iced tea? (Squidward throws it down).

Squidward: No. (SpongeBob holds another dish up)

SpongeBob: Hot o'durves? (Squidward throws it down).

Squidward: No. (holds another dish up)

SpongeBob: Nachos? (Squidward throws it down)

Squidward: No. (SpongeBob holds ANOTHER dish up)

SpongeBob: Blancmange?

Squidward: I-I don't even know that that is! (throws it down) Please just give me my vacuum so I can get back home. I have a casserole in the oven!

SpongeBob: (he raises his finger) Yes, of course. (brings Squidward to the couch) Please take a seat while I go grab your vacuum. (pats it) Please make yourself at home! (Squidward mumbles and angers. SpongeBob is fluffing a pillow). Enjoying your visit so far, Squidward?

Squidward: This is not a visit. (he blinks) You are going to get my vacuum. (grabs the pillow SpongeBob is fluffing from him). And stop fluffing this pillow!

SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, just yell if you need anything. (walks away)

Squidward: Imbecile.

Squidward: (blinks, gasps) How did he do it? (it pans across Squidward's coffee table) He got my coffee table, my vase, snack table, coasters, and my Art of the Clarinet Coffee Table Book! (he picks up the pillow SpongeBob was fluffing). And this pillow looks just like the one Mommy made for me. He even copied her stitch signature! "For Squiddy, with love, Mama." (yells. SpongeBob appears out of nowhere. A few bubbles appear).

SpongeBob: You yelled?

Squidward: (angry): Never mind. I'll find the vacuum myself! (puts down the pillow and walks away).

SpongeBob: Then okay! Make yourself at home! Squidward sure seems to be enjoying his visit.

Squidward: (peeks through an entrance in the hallway) My hallway... (blinks as he sees a dent in the wall) Dear Neptune! (shivers, shudders, sweats, blinks). He event got the chip in the paint from when I moved in! (he slowly] walks down the hallway). Okay, Squiddy. (blinks). Don't get creeped out. Just get the vacuum (blinks) and go home. (opens a door, and blinks). Oh, right. Isn't this neat? (blinks) My bathroom. (he flushes the toilet, and water comes out like a fountain). He walks over to the sink). I have to give him credit, though. (blinks). Every detail is correct. (opens the medicine cabinet). How does he know the exact contents (blinks) of my medicine cabinet? (his eyes grow at his rash cream) My rash cream?? (closes the cabinet) THAT LITTLE SNEAK!! (he screams as SpongeBob appears)

SpongeBob: Did someone say "rash cream?" (Squidward runs into the wall, making some of the cream jump out of the bottle).

Squidward: (he is holding his nose) SpongeBob, you idiot!

SpongeBob: Squidward, the rash cream. (Squidward keeps saying "ow" as he slips on the rash cream that fell. He slips and falls causing more rash cream to come out of the bottle). Oops. (Squidward comes wearing his shower curtain over his head, and he slips on the rash cream that fell. That causes more rash cream to come out). Oh, no! (Squidward has a drawer stuck in his neck, and he slips on the rash cream once more, and his head falls right into his toilet. The lid then falls and flushes. SpongeBob walks right toward him). I don't think I have a cream for that.

Squidward: (he is sleeping on the pillow on the couch his Mom made for him. He then wakes up, and gasps, looking both ways, then sighs peacefully). Oh, what a horrible nightmare. (SpongeBob pops up from behind the couch).

SpongeBob: So, are you enjoying your stay at Chez Spongè? (Squidward screams rocking the entire house. Squidward is now nervous with his grin showing).

Squidward: Uh... will you excuse me for a moment? I need to use the bathroom again. (SpongeBob points at him, and winks at him).

SpongeBob: Tsk. (Squidward is walking through a door). Hurry back, Squidward! (Squidward shuts the door)

Squidward: (he is sweating) I gotta find that vacuum and get out of here! (he runs up the stairs to another hallway).

Squidward: (opens the door to the room, turns on the lights and screams, Squidward walks in the center of the room, petrified). He copied all 492 of my self portraits... (camera directs on three of them individually, a sad crying clown, a picasso, and a statue) ...and they're better than mine! (blinks, cries and whimpers, sits down on the rug, rocks himself, and feels the rug). He even got the rug right. Get a hold of yourself, Squiddy, old bean. This doesn't mean anything. (touches the rug). This... (blinks) all of this is just... (blinks, then smiles). Mimicry! He doesn't possess your style, or your decorating acumen, (blinks) or your love of the finer things. (blinks) In fact, the only thing that he has is... (blinks) is... MY VACUUM (blinks) CLEANER! And I'll remedy that... (walks over to a closet) posthaste! (he opens the door to see the things SpongeBob usually has in his house... along with his vacuum cleaner! Squidward gasps). A-ha! He put you in (blinks) here along with all his bad taste! (blinks) You're coming home... (he pulls on the vacuum) (grunts and pulls on it harder): Home... with me... with me... (it finally comes out along with everything else, and Squidward yells as it all collapses on him, and slams into the wall, tilting the self-portraits. Gary's food bowl lands on Squidward who is on the couch with the couch laying down. Squidward sits up to realize he has the vacuum stuck inside of him). (he says this with the vacuum whirring): SpongeBob! (he loses balance out of the room, and falls down the stairs. He stops on one stair for the vacuum whirring, and his next step makes him fall of the final stairs before choking out the vacuum). Is it really you? (switches the vacuum to on, allowing it to whir. He picks it up). It is you! (kisses it) Come on, baby. (blinks) We are gonna walk out of this horror show (blinks) the way we walked into it; with dignity and applaud. (he walks out of SpongeBob's house to hear a siren, and sees firemen hosing his burnt house, while SpongeBob and Patrick are there).

Patrick: You just missed the fire. (Squidward walks to the firemen).

Squidward: What happened to my house? (fireman holds up a burnt casserole).

Fireman: Oh, some knucklehead left a casserole in the oven.

Squidward: SPONGEBOB!! (screams)

SpongeBob: Aw, don't worry. You're more than welcome to stay at my home until you get your house fixed. (Squidward becomes shocked with ominous music playing, he suddenly disappears to him at a table with his vacuum cleaner at the seat across from him).

Squidward: Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner. (holds up the burnt casserole) Care for some casserole?? (crazed laughter. Camera zooms in on his pupil, and he reappears to the real life).

SpongeBob: Squidward? You okay? Squidward? (Squidward falls down) SQUIDWARD!! (screams)

Squidward:(He is in the replica of his house SpongeBob made). Ah... Replica, sweet replica. (turns out the light. It goes at Squidward's burnt house to see SpongeBob and Gary there. SpongeBob yawns and stretches).

SpongeBob: It sure was nice having Squidward over for a visit, eh, Gary? (he snores as his sheet turns to ashes).

Gary: Meow.

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