Episode Transcript: The Clash of Triton

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Chum Caverns
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Episode Article: The Clash of Triton

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[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at King Neptune's palace. King Neptune is lying in bed)

Queen Amphitrite: Oh, Neptune, surely this isn't the behavior befitting a king, hiding in bed for days on end, doing nothing but watching daytime television. (turns off TV)

King Neptune: Wait! Rochelle was just about to meet her biological parents!

Queen Amphitrite: Is this about turning 5,000 today?

King Neptune: No. Oh, my darling Amphitrite, it is not my age that troubles me so. It's that our son, Triton, will not be able to share in my revelry.

Queen Amphitrite: Let's forget about Triton for just one day. It's your 5,000th birthday, for shell's sake.

King Neptune: (sighs) OK. So long as there's no one careless enough to mention Triton. (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Order up Squidward! (gives Squidward a Krabby Patty using his nose) I'll bet you're wondering why I'm not using my hands today.

Squidward: (takes Krabby Patty) Not in the least, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: OK, OK, I'll tell you.

Squidward: (walks up to table with strange looking fish) Your order, ma'am. (the strange fish is really SpongeBob in a costume)

SpongeBob: I'm not using my hands because today is "Work Without Your Hands Day." (jumps out of costume) You should give it a whirl, buddy. (enters the kitchen and hears phone ring. Picks up phone with his foot) Krusty Krab, SpongeBob speaking. Just a minute please. Mr. Krabs, it's a Queen Amphitrite. She wants to have King Neptune's birthday party here.

Mr. Krabs: (sarcastically) Oh she does, does she? I'll handle this, laddie. (takes phone from SpongeBob) Yes, Queen Amphitrite. (pauses to listen to Queen Amphitrite) Very convincing, but you're gonna have to call pretty early to fool ol' Eugene Krabs, PRANKSTER! (blocks phone with claw) They think I was born yesterday. Aye-aye-aye. (Queen Amphitrite breaks through the roof and zaps Mr. Krabs) Does 7:00 work for you, your majesty? (turns to SpongeBob) Oil up yer spatula boy, for tonight you fry for a king.

SpongeBob: So much for Work Without Your Hands Day, SquarePants. You answer to a higher calling this day. I have the capability! (raises up spatula and light flashes on spatula. Turns to his best friend, Patrick, who is standing in the corner) OK, that's enough Patrick, thank you. (Patrick is revealed with a flashlight and a wobble board. Outside the kitchen, the decorations and gifts are all set for King Neptune's birthday)

Mr. Krabs: You two really outdid yourselves. It almost makes me want to pay you. (chuckling) Oh, yeah. (passes pole with ribbons and two balloons) Looks like this area could use a few more decorations. Squidward!

Squidward: Now, what?

Mr. Krabs: The decorations over here look a little sparse. Why don't you hang up a few balloons or something? (walks away. Squidward stands motionless. Walks back) Oh, that's better. Looks lovely, Squidward. Excellent work. How goes it over here?

SpongeBob: All set, Mr. K. 5,000 patties, one for every year Neptune's been alive.

Mr. Krabs: 5,000 patties at $3.99 a pop? (babbles nonsensically due to how much money he'll get. Bubble-wipe to outside the Krusty Krab) Leave it to your old boss here to capitalize on such a momentous occasion. (rolls out red carpet)

Shubie: Wow! Why, you rolled out the red carpet!

Mr. Krabs: This ain't for you, lad. This is for King Neptune. Today is his birthday.

Shubie: Oh, uh, wait, King Neptune is coming here? Oh, I am a huge fan of the royal family. I just love everything they do. Could we please, maybe, watch them eat, right here through the window, you know?

Mr. Krabs: Don't be ridiculous. Why in Neptune's name would I let you... (thought bubble of Mr. Krabs bangs him in between the eyes with a money gavel. Bubble-wipe to later on) See Neptune eat! Only five dollars! Only a few seats left! (Fred gives him a five dollar bill) Thank you. (Debbie gives him a five dollar bill) Thank you. (Fish gives him a twenty dollar bill)

Fish: You got change for a twenty?

Mr. Krabs: Nope, sorry. I guess that it's twenty dollars for for you then. Don't be shy folks. Seats are going fast. (thunder is heard. Fish gasp as a carriage holding King Neptune, Queen Amphitrite, and monsters assisting Neptune arrive at the Krusty Krab)

King Neptune: Greetings, my obedient flock. (the crowd cheers and talks; to Amphitrite) You were right, honey. Hearing these mortals cheer for me has made me feel better already.

SpongeBob: Excuse me, Mr. Royal Sea Kingness, your table is this way, sir. (bubble-wipe to inside the Krusty Krab)

King Neptune: Oh, these seats are surprisingly comfortable for being longlord and primitive storage vessels.

Queen Amphitrite: Oh, husband, I'm so glad to see that you're enjoying your birthday party.

King Neptune: And I am glad that you are glad, dear.

Queen Amphitrite: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad, my king.

King Neptune: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad that you're glad...

Monsters: Alright already!

King Neptune: And methinks I shall continue to enjoy us all as long as there's no mention of the name...

SpongeBob: Triton, Triton, Triton? Is there a Triton here? Is there anybody missing from this party that any of you guys can see?

Queen Amphitrite: Nope, there's nobody missing, we're all here. (monsters from the party start to get nervous)

SpongeBob: Oh, I was sure there's somebody... (sees an empty seat) Oh! Here it is right here. An empty seat.

King Neptune: That's not an empty seat. My wife is sitting there.

SpongeBob: (laughs) No, not that chair, your Highness. That one, see? It even has its pretty name card that I made still on it.

King Neptune: Oh no.

SpongeBob: T-R-I-T-O-N. You sure you don't know anyone named Triton? (Neptune sobs) Should I put it down? Yes or no?

Queen Amphitrite: Triton is our son. But as you can see, the king doesn't want to talk about it right now.

King Neptune: Thank you, my darling. I'd rather not share with this addled mortal the woeful story of our son, Triton. (all agree) But I suppose I could tell it. (all disagree) No, you're right, I won't tell it. (all breathe a sigh of relief. Pulls out a projector) Instead, I'm going to show this movie I made about it. (all groan) Could someone please dim the lights? (lights are dimmed. The projector shows a flashback with King Neptune and Triton. The flashback starts in King Neptune's palace; narrating) It all started one day while giving Triton his smiting lessons. (uses his trident to zap a smaller version of Bikini Bottom. The city bursts into flames) That's how you strike fear into the hearts of your subjects! Now you try, son. Son? (narrating) Triton was increasingly fascinated with the miserable world of the lowly mortals. (young Triton is seen watching a baseball game from the edge of the palace)

Triton: Dad, when are you going to teach me the ball and stick game?

King Neptune: Never. Now take hold of your trident and practice your smiting, son.

Triton: I don't feel like smiting. I wanna play the ball and stick game.

King Neptune: OK, son, you want to learn the stick and ball game? Well here's your first lesson. Batter up. (the trident zaps one of the stadium's lights. Everyone in the baseball field starts screaming) It looks like I just hit a single. Let's see if you can get a home run, son.

Triton: Leave me alone, Dad. (swims back home)

King Neptune: (narrating) What was happening to my own flesh and blood? Over the next few millennia, my son grew not only in size, but in perplexing behavior. (a explosion is heard from Triton's door, and green smoke seeps out. Opens it and sees Triton with beakers of chemicals) What is going on in here?

Triton: Hey, Dad, check it out! I'm studying chemistry, and I've just created a cure for all mortal diseases!

King Neptune: (pushes all the beakers out of the table angrily, then grabs Triton by his arms) How many times do I have to tell you? We are gods! We don't have diseases, nor do we care whether or not the mortals contract them!

Triton: Gosh! (moves away)

King Neptune: Try as I might, it was becoming increasingly apparent that we would not agree on the ways of the world. I knew I had no choice. There was only one last resort. (video of girls dancing on a beach plays) No, not that one! The Island in the Sky.

Triton: Isn't that island a miniature golf course?

King Neptune: No! The one on the other side of the river

Triton: You mean the juvenile correction facility? But that place is for losers, man.

King Neptune: Uh-huh. (on the Island in the Sky)

Triton: Okay, I'm standing in here. Now what? (King Neptune locks Triton up in a cage) What are you doing? This is bogus!

King Neptune: I'm sealing you inside this magical shrinking cage until you learn to embrace your destiny as one of the gods! (zaps the cage)

Triton: NOOOOOOOOO! (cage only shrinks a little) You call that shrinking?

King Neptune: Well, it only shrinks 7%.

Triton: Man, that is just beyond bogus.

King Neptune: Perhaps in your eyes, it is beyond bogus, but it is the only way you'll learn. (pulls rope to hang the cage up a tree) Reflect on this for 10,000 years.

Triton: You can't do this, man! I've got a life to live. I can't be stuck in this cage, man! (King Neptune leaves the island) Gosh. I hate you, old man, you hear me? I hate you! (echoes. Flashback ends)

King Neptune: And that's that. (everyone inside the Krusty Krab is sleeping)

Mr. Krabs: Huh? Okay, who's ready for a piping hot Krabby Patty? Would you like the first one, your highness?

King Neptune: Recounting this sad tale has upset me so much, I've lost my appetite. (sobs)

Queen Amphitrite: Take those sandwiches away! Can't you see the king is upset? (turns to Neptune) It's okay, let it out. (cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab)

Male Fish: This is a rip-off! I paid to watch high-class royal dining action, not listen to a boring sob story.

Monica: Ooh, looks like things may be picking up! Royal violence!

Queen Amphitrite: Why have you not obeyed me, mortal? Be gone!

Mr. Krabs: So who's going to pay for these, then? (Amphitrite zaps Mr. Krabs) Oh! If Neptune doesn't cheer up soon, me business is ruined.

SpongeBob: Oh no. This is all my fault because I mentioned... (whispers) Triton.

Squidward: Well, it wouldn't be the first time you've ruined everything, but the worst part is those 5,000 Krabby Patties that will end up going rotten in the hot sun.

SpongeBob: Stop, Squidward, please stop! Your descriptions are too horrifying for my delicate sensibilities.

Squidward: I do have a way with words.

King Neptune: Oh, how I miss my son! (sobbing)

SpongeBob: Hey, that's it! I'll fix all this by reuniting Neptune with his son! (bubble-wipe to the Island in the Sky. Bus appears with SpongeBob aboard. Appears on the edge of the island as bus leaves; waving) Thanks again, Mr. Bus Driver! (turning to island) Now, all I've got to do is find King Neptune's long-lost son. (disappears into the island. Bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab. Neptune is seen crying)

Mr. Krabs: Come on, Krabs! Think, think! (suddenly gets idea) Ooh! (turns to Squidward)

Squidward: Whatever it is, no.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're a man of culture.

Squidward: Go on.

Mr. Krabs: Well, these highfalutin' types, they might appreciate that, don't you think? Why don't you try and razzle-dazzle them with all your pizzazz?

Squidward: Pizzazz. Hold on to your hats and glasses, people, because Squidward the Fantabulous has arrived. (bubble-wipe to the audience outside. Cut to Squidward with his clarinet) Thank you. Thank you. This next one, I wrote myself. I like to call it, "Three Barnacles are a Crowd Unless They've Known Each Other for a Really Long Time." (clarinet music plays)

Frank: Things just got lame again.

Monica: Yeah, well, they better get un-lame real quick, or I'm asking for my money back. (Mr. Krabs comes out, sticks a 'No Refunds' sign on the ground in front of the audience, and goes back inside)

Frank: No refunds?! Well, I guess we're stuck here, then. (bubble-wipe to the Island in the Sky. SpongeBob is seen sleeping. A fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head. SpongeBob awakes)

SpongeBob: What the— I had the strangest dream that I just got hit in the head with a tiny toenail clipping. (another fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head. Looks down and picks up fingernail) Hey, I was right! It is a tiny toenail clipping. (another fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head. Gasps) Another one! (sees rope) Plus some rope. (lowers cage with Triton inside. Triton is seen on the ground in the cage looking away)

Triton: Hey, man, what's the big idea?

SpongeBob: (doesn't know Triton was talking, nor does he see him) Who said that? Show yourself! I'm warning you. I know how to use these! (makes karate noises and karate moves)

Triton: (turns to SpongeBob) I'm down here, man! (SpongeBob looks down and sees Triton)

SpongeBob: Oh, hello, little fella. Maybe you can help me. Because if I don't find Triton soon, Krabs is gonna be real upset, because he spent a lot of money on party decorations.

Triton: Party decorations? For what?

SpongeBob: For King Neptune's birthday!

Triton: So, it's my old man's birthday. Big deal.

SpongeBob: (gasps) You mean, you're King Neptune's son?

Triton: I am, but he doesn't seem to think so.

SpongeBob: Well, he sure seemed upset that you weren't at his birthday party.

Triton: Hah! That's a real good one, man. Real funny.

SpongeBob: (laughs a little) Well, thanks, but...

Triton: Do you think if that old goat really cared? He'd have me sealed up in this magical cage with nothing to do all day but trim my fingernails, (holds up a pair of nail clippers) man?

SpongeBob: You're right. It just doesn't make any sense.

Triton: You're telling me, man.

SpongeBob: I mean, gods shouldn't have to use nail clippers. They should be able to wear their fingernails to whatever length they want!

Triton: Man, you're just like all the rest. (turns away)

SpongeBob: Don't go. (Triton ignores and starts trimming his fingernails. Presses his face against the bars of the cage in front of Triton with a hideous look) What if there was a way to free you from this magical cage? Then, you could come to your father's birthday party and settle your differences!

Triton: May I ask you to brush your teeth first, dude. P.U!

SpongeBob: Sorry, I haven't had anything to drink in a couple of days. My throat's a little dry.

Triton: (coughs) This cage is only so big, man.

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, I'll stop talking, I swear.

Triton: Never mind, just undo the lock.

SpongeBob: (looks at lock) Boy, this really does look complicated. Oh, I see. I'll just slide this square to the right, this one goes up, one other here and ohh wait, no, ahh, no squares-- (start circling his face and he screams) Man, that really is a tough nut to crack.

Triton: That lock was forged by the gods, not any numbskull can open like a cheap bag of potato chips they found in the street.

SpongeBob: Cheap bag of potato choo-- Wait a minute, which way to the nearest phone booth?

Triton: There's one behind that rock over there, but I don't see why...

SpongeBob: (runs to a phone booth and rings Patrick) Patrick?

Patrick: Hey, you'll never guess what I found on the street. (SpongeBob talks on phone) Yeah, I'll hurry. (declines. The bus is seen again dropping Patrick off on the Island in the Sky)

SpongeBob: Oh Patrick, you made it! This is the magical lock I was talking about. (holds up lock)

Patrick: Hmmm...

SpongeBob: Yeah, I tried for hours and hours but I just can't get it to...

Patrick: (undoes the lock) Open!

SpongeBob: Wow, all ready, Patrick you know I'll never figure out how you do those so darn fast.

Patrick: I just peel the stickers of the squares and put them back on in the right spaces

SpongeBob: Amazing!

Triton: Say, now this silly old cage is open, why don't we pay my old man a visit? Hate to keep him waiting on his birthday. (flies up and turns the cage into a sports car. Hops in) You guys coming or what?

SpongeBob: Wow!

Patrick: Are you going to take us for a ride?

Triton: A ride, that's a great idea! (bubble-wipe to Triton driving the car fast whilst SpongeBob and Patrick are sleeping. Goes off-road and SpongeBob and Patrick wake up. Slams on the brakes) You guys don't mind if I pull over for a second?

SpongeBob: Sure, Triton. What do you need to use, the bathroom?

Triton: No, to tell you I don't need you any more. (kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out and drives off)

Patrick: What an interesting man. (bubble-wipe to King Neptune's party)

Mr. Krabs: Ready for a room temperature Krabby Patty yet?

King Neptune: Nope. (Mr. Krabs sulks and hits the cashier boat)

Squidward: Careful, this is made out of imported wood, imported all the way from the junk pile out the back.

Mr. Krabs: Neptune is inconsolable, if only there where something to distract him from his pain.

Squidward: The only thing that can usually do that is something that causes more pain.

Mr. Krabs: Great idea, go and play them another song. (bubble-wipe to Squidward, who is about to play his clarinet)

King Neptune: (to Queen Amphitrite) He's back.

Queen Amphitrite: Oh, how...nice?

Squidward: If it pleases the king, I would like to preform a... (King Neptune starts clapping. Squidward gets ready and starts playing at the same time as a car horn is heard) What the? (looks at clarinet)

King Neptune: Behold!

Mr. Krabs: (whispers to Squidward) What he say?

Squidward: I think he wants us to look at the-- OH MY! (Triton and his car smash through the window and the crowd cheers)

Frank: That was incredible!

Monica: Yeah, definitely worth the five bucks.

King Neptune: Son?! (Triton zaps everyone and locks them in a cage) Son, I demand to know the meaning of this impudent imprisonment.

Triton: Well, it turns out you were right, old man. Being trapped in that cage all those years with nowhere to go but up here made me realize something. Dabbling in the world of mere mortals is totally lame.

King Neptune: And this is how you intend on showing it.

Triton: No man, this is how! (flies through the roof) Hahaha!

King Neptune: By flying through the roof?

Monica: That was Triton, Neptune's son!

Frank: I thought he was in reform school or something. (the Bikini Bottomites cheer on Triton)

Purple Fish: Can I have an autograph?

Triton: Sure, you can. (destroys all of Bikini Bottom and zaps his name on the ground) Nothing can stop me! Hahaha! (SpongeBob and Patrick arrive at a destroyed Bikini Bottom)

SpongeBob: What's happened here? Hello, where is everybody?

Patrick: Do you think Triton was in that cage for a reason?

SpongeBob: (gasps) The Krusty Krab! (bubble-wipe to the outside of the Krusty Krab)

Patrick: It's still standing.

SpongeBob: But look, that mail hasn't been picked up today. (mail letters are in front of the Krusty Krab)

Patrick: Right.

SpongeBob: We better use the secret entrance. (he and Patrick appear in the stove) Be very, very quiet.

Patrick: Gotcha, pal. (throws stove top causing a chain reaction of loud noises) What? (he and SpongeBob look through the cabin window and see Triton eating the Krabby Patties)

Mr. Krabs: Please! I'll be ruined!

King Neptune: Don't worry Mr. Krabs, no one was going to pay for them anyway. (this causes Mr. Krabs to cry)

SpongeBob: Oh, this is terrible!

Patrick: Tell me about it, I never get free food here.

King Neptune: Son, hear my words, I can understand if you want to keep me locked up in this cage and set me, but see it in your heart to release these others as they are innocent. Well, maybe not all of them. (looks at the small purple fish)

Triton: Sorry old man, you lost me up in the hear in my words part.

Patrick: He's unstoppable.

SpongeBob: Only as long as King Neptune is locked up.

Patrick: You thinking what I'm thinking?

SpongeBob: Yeah, Triple Gooberry Sundaes tonight after we free them.

Patrick: Ah no, but I like your idea better!

SpongeBob: Make ready the disguise. (he and Patrick hide in the stove and hop over to where Triton is)

Triton: (doesn't notice the stove) Hehe.

SpongeBob: Okay, now! (shuffles the stove next to the stage without Triton noticing them)

King Neptune: Please, no more!

SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, unlock it before he sees us!

Patrick: You got it! (reaches for the lock) SpongeBob, scootch back a little. (to the purple fish) Excuse me

SpongeBob: Hurry up Patrick, he's getting bored!

Patrick: Don't rush me! Okay, got it! (the cage disappears and everyone is freed)

Triton: Hehe, I was just kidding, man. (flies off. Looks back and thinks he's escaped until Neptune flies in front of him) No! No, please, I-I-I never meant to...

King Neptune: Son, I have tried all my life to be gentle, but this time you have... (looks behind him and notices the destroyed Bikini Bottom) Are you responsible for all this destruction?!

Triton: Don't send me back to the cage man, I-I-I...

King Neptune: The cage! Why, son, you have just given me the best 5000th birthday present I ever received! You finally learnt to use your god powers. Now I know when my reign comes to a close, I'll have a worthy successor and that's all I could really hope for as a king... (sobs) ...and as your father. Come here. (they hug)

Triton: Aww dad, I love you, man. (light shines on them. Everyone celebrates)

King Neptune: Now, let's go home son. (they enter the carriage)

Queen Amphitrite: Too-do-loo. (everyone continues cheering. The carriage flies away)

Mr. Krabs: Neptune and friends, wait! What about the party? What about me restaurant?

King Neptune: (from the carriage) Oh, yes. Many thanks whoever you are. It was the best day I could of ever hoped for and it's all because of your little boy there. None of this would've happened if it wasn't for his actions! (carriage disappears)

SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Neptune? This was all because of me!

Patrick: Well SpongeBob, that's...

Sadie: Did you hear that, Neptune said it was all because of that guy! (citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background)

Policefish: He did, did he?!

Patrick: Ahh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundaes you where talking about?

SpongeBob: I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (episode ends with SpongeBob and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob)

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