Episode Transcript: The Card

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Episode Article: The Card

Characters

Dialogue

Quincy: Next! Oh, no...

SpongeBob: Hey, Quincy! How's my favorite money-man?

Quincy: SpongeBob... what can I do for you?

SpongeBob: The new Mermaidman and Barnacleboy cards come out today! So I need to take out some mon-ey.

Quincy: Ugh. Let me see your bank book.

SpongeBob: Sure thing, Quincy, sure thing. (takes out his bank book)

Quincy: Nice... bunnies.

SpongeBob: I know, I know. It's so embarrassing. (Whispering) I wanted the one with the kittens on it.

Quincy: Right. (pulls out SpongeBob's money) Here you are, sir.

SpongeBob: Thank you. Hm... Um, Quincy, this one is wrinkled. I couldn't possibly give this to Mermaidman. It simply won't do.

Quincy: I don't think they go directly to Mermaidman, SpongeBob. But, um. Here. Try this one. (hands SpongeBob a dollar.)

SpongeBob: (sniffs the dollar) This one... smells funny.

Customer in line: Come on! Would ya hurry up?

Customer with mask and money bag: Yeah, some of us have withdrawals to make, ya know?

All customers: (complaining)

SpongeBob: Well, I'll have you know that this is for Mermaidman. And I'm not leaving until I have money that shows him the proper respect. (gets kicked out of bank) Whoa!

All customers: (cheering)

SpongeBob and Patrick are at Near Mint Comic Books.

Patrick: One, two, three, four...

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. Counting up your change for a pack of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy trading cards?

Patrick: No, I'm thinking about buying this book on counting. Three, four. What's gonna happen next? FIVE? Holy super-happy-fun-time! This book's good! I'll take it! One, two, three...

SpongeBob: One pack of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy cards, please.

Comic book dealer: (gets a pack of cards)

SpongeBob: All right!

Comic book dealer: Not so fast! Where's my dollar?

SpongeBob: (pulls out a roll of dollars and pulls one off) Here you are, my good sir.

Comic book dealer: Here you go, kid.

Patrick: Seventeen...

SpongeBob: So... shiny... and smooth! (rubs it against his face and smells it) Ah... oh! Oh! (opens cards) Oooh! Mermaidman's bubble-powered wheelchair from season twelve! And Barnacleboy's bunion! Holy scallops! It's the dentures that Mermaidman used to pop the Dirty Bubble in episode four-hundred two! Wow! These must be the most valuable cards in the world! I'll treasure them forever.

Comic book dealer: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Those cards aren't worth nothin'. I wouldn't put those cards in the spokes of my bike. Now, if you wanna see a card worth talkin' about, check this one out. This is the super-rare platinum hologram animated talking card: number fifty-four.

Voice: Mermaidman says: (fist swings by and hits Barnacleboy, while Mermaidman barely ducks out of the way)

Mermaidman: Buy more cards!

Comic book dealer: There are only five in existence.

SpongeBob: How much is it? For this one?

Comic book dealer: This one's just a display. If you want a real one, you'll have to buy as many packs as you can and hope you get lucky.

SpongeBob: (buys another pack) Oh, I have a good feeling about this one. Oh, come on. And it's... not there. (throws the cards and buys more) Mmmmmmm... no. (process continues until there is only one pack left) OHHHHH! I'll never find card fifty-four!

Patrick: Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred! Oh! I hate counting! Just give me what he's having! Oh, boy! Let's see which card I got! Is this a good card, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: No, it's just a number...

Voice: Mermaidman says:

Mermaidman: Buy more cards!

SpongeBob: Number fifty-four! That's the best card there is!

Patrick: It sure does, the job, all right. (flossing his teeth with number fifty-four)

SpongeBob: Aaahhhhh!! Patrick, you're picking your teeth with it!

Patrick: I'm preventing gingivitis.

SpongeBob: Patrick! That's the ultra-rare number fifty-four talking card! It's really valuable and there's only five in existence. And bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla! Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla blee bla bla! Blee blee bla1 Patrick! Bla bla blzzz! So now do you understand why you should take really could care of that card?

Patrick: Yes, sir. (starts picking his teeth with the card)

They run out of the store.

SpongeBob: I can't let anything happen to that card. Mermaidman and Barnacleboy would never forgive me! Patrick, watch out! You almost tripped on that crack. (puts card in tiny seat belt on Patrick's hand)Phew! Now watch where you're going!

Patrick: Okay. Thanks, buddy.

SpongeBob: Patrick, look out! (jumps in front of Patrick to avoid mud from hitting the card) Ha, that was close.

Patrick: Ha, ha. SpongeBob fly.

SpongeBob: Patrick, this is serious. You're carrying precious cargo now. You can't just wander aimlessly around like you've been...

Patrick: What? (walks into Goo Lagoon)

SpongeBob: The card! (stops the card from going underwater) Patrick, why'd you just walk into Goo Lagoon?

Patrick: SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. (falls from a construction site and almost lands in fire)

SpongeBob: AAHHH! (jumps in a crane, saves Patrick and drags him back to his home) Here we are! Home safe home! And nothing happened to the card.

Patrick: Good job, SpongeBob. Now let me just get my keys. (pulls out ice cream cone) Nope. (Pulls out key) There you are. I knew you were in there somewhere.

SpongeBob: The super-rare and priceless Mermaidman and Barnacleboy trading card! Patrick! Where is it? Where is it? Dear Neptune! You didn't put it in your pocket, did you? It's getting all bent up! Bent up! Bent up! Bent up! Bent up! Bent, bent, bent, bent up!

Patrick: Sheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. In the folds of my back fat. (pulls card out of his back) You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't you just keep it?

SpongeBob: You mean... you'd give me your most valuable possession?

Patrick: I'd give you my most valuable possession? (They hug.)

SpongeBob: You're the best pal ever.

Patrick: I'm the best pal ever. But can you do me one favor?

SpongeBob: Sure, pal. Anything for you.

Patrick: Do you mind if I hold on to it? Just for today?

SpongeBob: Um, sure Patrick.

Patrick: Well, good. Cuz' my landlord changed the lock again.

SpongeBob: Patrick, wait! Let me call the locksmith.

Patrick: Oh! I don't need any old locksmith.

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! Don't ya think maybe... that you shouldn't...

Patrick: Ugh! Man, this card is fantastic! (Patrick's stomach growls) Breaking and entering sure makes a fella hungry. Hey, why don't we eat some dinner? And then I'll give you your card. (gets a barbecue grill) Ew! This barbecue's really filthy. Oh, but this'll take care of it.

SpongeBob: No, wait, Patrick! Allow me to clean it!

Patrick: Now, now, SpongeBob I know you wanna help, but you're my guest. (scrapes grill with talking card) There! Nice and shiny! (lights card on fire and burns charcoal with it)

SpongeBob: Patrick! The card! It's on fire!

Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll take care of it. (spits on card) There! Good as new!

SpongeBob: Ew.

Patrick: (flips burgers with card) Dinner is served. (serves hamburgers on the card)

Mermaidman: Buy car.. dddd....

Patrick: Burp! Oh! That hit the spot! Pardon me! (wipes his face with the card) Hey! Look at that! Sundown already? Well, you can have your card now. I hope you get as much use out of it as I have.

Mermaidman: Zzzbbb... Buy more cards... (card blows up)

SpongeBob: Oh, it's ruined! (cries and runs away, his eyes blow water out, it harms Patrick)

Patrick: SpongeBob, what's wrong?

SpongeBob: Now I'll never have Mermaidman and Barnacleboy card #54. The special talking one.

Patrick: Aw... sure you will.

SpongeBob: No, no! I spent all my money! And, and, and, and you bought the last pack. So there's no more left in all of Bikini Bottom.

Patrick: Well, how about these? (pulls out four trading cards)

Announcer: Mermaidman says... (fist punches Barnacleboy)

Mermaidman: Buy more cards!

SpongeBob: Number fifty-four! Patrick, where did you get these?

Patrick: Well, that pack I bought was full of 'em.

SpongeBob: May I have one?