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Episode Transcript: Pest of the West

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To Save a Squirrel 20,000 Patties Under the Sea

Episode Article: Pest of the West

Characters

Dialogue

(Episode starts at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop,

Squidward: You're better off not knowing.

SpongeBob: Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir.

Fish 1: Do you always serve your food this way?

SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse)

Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, The mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!

SpongeBob: NOT THE MOLLUSKS!

Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?

SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?

Patrick: Nope. I was only pretending to be my famous, Great-Great Uncle Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (A flashback begins with Patrick Revere riding through town)

Patrick Revere: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!

Patrick: It's too bad nobody listened to him.

Fish 2: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in Fish 2,3 scream) (Flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.

Patrick: Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.

Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The Spendthrift Billfold System! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what looks like a dollar in a wallet.) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?

SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: A-a-a watch. (Pulls on the dollar, a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See?

SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?

Mr. Krabs: Every time!

SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.

Patrick: Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (Scene cut to when SpongeBob is standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop)

SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. Sigh I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in)

Sandy: HI-YAH!

SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy.

Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.

SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?

Sandy: I sure do! My great Aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a squirrel standing on top of an oil tower)

Rosie Cheeks: She's ready to blow! (Oil spurts out of the ground, Rosie Cheeks jumps away, flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.

Sandy: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.

SpongeBob: Well, there was my Uncle Sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.)

Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (Cut to Bikini Bottom Library, Sandy pulls out a book.)

Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants, Hey, looky here! (Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture)

SpongeBob: Gasp!

Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!

SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?

Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch, that's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days.(Story Begins, train coming into scene) It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (Train stops, SpongeBuck gets off.)

SpongeBuck SquarePants: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.

Sandy: Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good gloot, Dead Eye!

SpongeBuck: Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, willigers! They got an ice cream parlor! (Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor", walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.

Fish 4: You're new here, aren't you?

SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.

Fish 4: You don't say. (Licks ice cream, Measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him, SpongeBuck notices that some people are looking at him, he looks at them, pull their hats down, keeps walking and licking, music is coming from the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' western ancestor: Business is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, wearing a bell that is ringing, everyone stops)

SpongeBuck: Howdy do, y'all?

Squeeze Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor (Whispering): Charge him double for his drinks.

SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken?

Fish 5: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles)

Squeeze: What can I get you, stranger?

SpongeBuck: Give me a shot of milk.

Squeeze: Milk?

SpongeBuck: Two percent.

Squeeze: Think you can handle it?

SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready Tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, milk spills into a place where a worm is living) Aah, (Falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth.

Squeeze: Right.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Squeeze: Strange is right.

SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted')

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (Everyone cheers)

SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (Hold up the same paper but points to an ad that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out)

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck: In a good way?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!

Squeeze: Since when?

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: Shhhhhh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Uh, he's at Boot Hill.(Shows a picture of a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill)

SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Shows a picture of a full cemetery with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill, Pecos Patrick bursts in)

Pecos Patrick: He's a' coming! Dead Eye's a' coming!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Dead Eye?!

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor and Squeeze: Dead Eye?!

SpongeBuck: Who's Dead Eye?

Pecos Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Mistro if you please, (Squeeze is at the piano, cracks knuckles, about to play, deposits coin, music starts playing)

Song: "Dead Eye" 

Oh, Bikini Gulch was a purty place
With sweet water and blue sky.
'Til one day a beast 'come a-riding from the east
By the name of Ol' Dead Eye.

That dirty, no-good Dead Eye!

Oh, he's robbed this town,
He's pulled my pants down!
He made all the pretty girls cry!

That no-good goon wants my saloon!
And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon!
If we don't get some help here real soon,

We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye!
We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try!

And if you think that's funny,
Well, let me tell you, sonny,
You won't be laughing when you SEE...
HIS...
BIG...
RED...
DEAD EYE!
Dead Eye!

Dead Eye: That's me! Dead Eye Plankton!

Pecos Patrick: Who?

Squeeze: We just sang a whole song about him!

Dead Eye: Well, what are you looking at?! (Everyone hides, Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, pulls off Pecos Patrick's clothes)

Pecos Patrick: Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip, Squeeze and Mr. Krabs' Ancestor duck)

Dead Eye: Get up you two! I'm here for my... money, Krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it).

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: (Laughs nervously) What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke, here! (Dead Eye bends the coin)

Dead Eye: That's the idea! (Laughs) I thought we were all clear on that.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Oh, yeah. (Hands Dead Eye a bag of money)

Dead Eye: I'll be back at high noon tomorrow for the deed!

SpongeBuck: Hey! That's not your money!

Dead Eye: WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' Ancestor points at SpongeBuck, Everyone runs away) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch! Not Yokelburg! (Laughs) Yokelburg... (Laughs again) Who are you anyway?

SpongeBuck: I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili?

Dead Eye: Sheriff! (Knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys!

SpongeBuck: Coffin jockeys!? (Runs over to Mr. Krabs' Ancestor) You didn't say anything about that!

Dead Eye: (Pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff.

SpongeBuck: (Is pretending to ride a horse, but is on a coffin) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! (Coffin neighs like a horse)

Dead Eye: Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' Ancestor shrugs) All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it?

SpongeBuck: Uh huh.

Dead Eye: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us! Understand?

SpongeBuck: Yep.

Dead Eye: So, vamoose! Or we're going to have to settle this western-style at high noon, savvy?

SpongeBuck: Sounds great!

Dead Eye: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

SpongeBuck: Nope.

Dead Eye: Sigh (Cracks whip at SpongeBuck, SpongeBuck runs away) And stay out! Hey, only three seconds off my record! (Everyone is looking at Dead Eye) What are you hayseeds looking at? (cracks whip, Everyone screams and runs away) Git! Get out of here!

Fish 6: What's gonna happen to the town now, pa?

Fish 7: I ain't your pa. (Both scream and run away)

Dead Eye: I love this town! (Laughs evilly, end of 1st half of show.)


(Second half of episode begins in the desert, and SpongeBuck is riding the coffin like a horse)

SpongeBuck: Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! (Trips on a rock) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, (shows his arm, with no hand) water, and lip balm! (Lip balm turns to dust, SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off) I'm sorry old Paint! Guess I'm gonna have to put you out your misery! So long old friend! (Is about to saw coffin in half)

Cowbone 1: Hey, buddy, better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.

SpongeBuck: It does?

Cowbone 2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! (Both laugh, SpongeBuck laughs, Pecos Patrick laughs)

Pecos Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!

SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. (Pecos Patrick slaps him)

Pecos Patrick: Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! (Shows a picture of Pecos Patrick and he's saying Duuhh,)

SpongeBuck: I don't know, (slaps him again) Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurting me! Besides, you're right! It's time I looked him in the eye! So, I go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!

Pecos Patrick: Hop on, buddy!

SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Pecos Patrick: Don't worry. I got a short cut. He-ya! (Starts riding coffin, rides over a cliff, both land on a cactus, both start flying toward Dead Eye Gulch, in Dead Eye Gulch, a carriage riding around town)

Mrs. Puff's Western Ancestor: Why are we going so fast?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop until he has the clothes off our backs! (Dead Eye is in the road)

Dead Eye: (Laughs evilly) Great idea! (Scene cut to where Mr. Krabs' Ancestor, Mrs. Puff's Ancestor, and Squeeze have no clothes on but their underclothes) Okay, let's see, (checking off a list) personal possessions, clothes off your backs, that should about do it! Look, I'm just going to drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. Uh huh, waa-waa! Uh huh, waa-waa!

Squeeze: I gotta admit, he's got skills.

Dead Eye: That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! (laughs but then coughs) Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-how! (Rides off)

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: So, that's it.

Mrs. Puff's Ancestor: We lost.

Squeeze: I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick start falling)

SpongeBuck: Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time!

Pecos Patrick: We're heroes!

Squeeze: You're morons!

Mrs. Puff's Ancestor: It's too late. Plankton's taken everything!

SpongeBuck: But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon.

Mrs. Puff's Ancestor: Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm.

Squeeze: And all our stuff.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: And me money! Me beautiful, beautiful money!

SpongeBuck: You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Could you get to the point? We're freezing!

SpongeBuck: What I'm a saying is if we all team up together, we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton, and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good! So, what do you say?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Well, I think we all know the answer.

All: Forget it, SpongeBuck!

Pecos Patrick: Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! Pillow fight! (Whacks Squeeze with his pillow laughs then whacks SpongeBuck)

SpongeBuck: That pillow sure packs a wallop!

Pecos Patrick: It's made out of wood, (Pulls out a wooden log inside the pillow) like all pillows in the old west. Round 2?

SpongeBuck: I do believe I'd sit this one out.

Pecos Patrick: Looks like it's just you and me, kid. (Whacks himself with the log)

SpongeBuck: Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together!

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: No offense, kid. But your advice is as terrible as your chili.

SpongeBuck: I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together, in idiot friendship, we can beat Dead Eye and save the town! So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! Bzbzbzbzbzb

Pecos Patrick: Uh huh,

SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzb

Pecos Patrick: Uh huh, uh huh,

SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzbzbzb

Squeeze: Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying bzbzbzbzbzbzb?

SpongeBuck: Umm...

Squeeze: You don't have a plan, do you?

SpongeBuck: No. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far. (Everyone groans) But I know we can beat him! If we just work together!

Dead Eye: Oh, I am terrified.

All: Dead Eye Plankton?!

Dead Eye: So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone.

SpongeBuck: You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right g-- Hey! (All of SpongeBuck's friends are hiding at the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: We're right behind you boy! WAY WAY behind you!

Dead Eye: So, it's come to this. Mono e Mono.

SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mono, because it's come down to you and me!

Dead Eye: Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! (A clock strikes 12:00, Dead Eye and SpongeBuck walk toward each other until SpongeBuck steps on Dead Eye) Ow! (Everyone who's hiding looks at SpongeBuck, Everyone comes out and cheers) I hate all of you!

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Can I try?

Dead Eye: You can't do this! (Steps on Dead Eye)

Pecos Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! (scene cut to where Mr. Krabs' Ancestor is holding a line to step on Dead Eye at the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs: Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on old Dead Eye Plankton!

Dead Eye: Ah! Ouch! Ooh!

Mrs. Puff's Ancestor: Take that, you no-good little varmint!

Dead Eye: I have a lot of money! (Gets stepped on)

Pecos Patrick: Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his, both say Ahh,)

SpongeBuck: You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. (Shows a picture of them both going Duuh,)

Pecos Patrick: Come with me, I want to show you something.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Thank you sheriff SpongeBuck for saving our town. And for stepping on that little varmint.

Dead Eye: History will vindicate me! (Gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick)

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. (Pulls off a sheet revealing a golden statue of SpongeBuck on a coffin)

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Oooh!

Squeeze: I liked my design better. (Shows a piece of paper with his idea on it, but it is him)

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Sorry about the whole tricking you into being sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I've got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. (Puts the badge on SpongeBuck)

SpongeBuck: Wow! Fry cook! (Everyone starts clapping) Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say 'Hey! I'm proud of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!'

Citizens of Bikini Gulch: Aaw!

Fish 8: Say seaweed! (Picture takes, story ends)

SpongeBob: So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch! And everyone in it! I wonder what happened to the statue of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. (Sandy and SpongeBob walk out of the library) It was much better than that one we have now. (Both walk by the statue SpongeBob saw earlier)

Sandy: Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop.

SpongeBob: Wait a minute, (Goes over and starts to pick at the jellyfish poop)

Sandy: Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eeew! What are you doing?! (SpongeBob wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold) That boy ain't hooked up right.

SpongeBob: Look, Sandy!

Sandy: HUH? (The statue reveals to be the SpongeBuck statue)

SpongeBob: SpongeBuck was here all the long! Sorry Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop.

Sandy: Wow!

SpongeBob: I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants!

Sandy: Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming. (Scene cut to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage)

SpongeBuck: Hey, Everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! (Pecos Patrick gets on stage,) He's an idiot! (Everyone cheers)

Pecos Patrick: So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends!

Pecos Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: Well, listen up and I'll tell you!

Song: Idiot Friends 

Who's there for you when you are sad and down?
Idiot Friends!
Who picks you up and slaps you all around?
Idiot Friends!
Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?
Idiot Friends,
Idiot Friends,
Idiot Friends!

Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do
Idiot Friends!
Dah de da da da da da do
Idiot Friends!
De da da da-doodle, duh do

Pecos Patrick: You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? (Dead Eye pulls his pants down) 

Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?

Pecos Patrick: Thanks, buddy!

Dead Eye: Curses!

Pecos Patrick: Only and idiot friend would do that!

SpongeBuck: Let's bring it home, idiot friend!

Pecos Patrick: Okay. 

Who lets you ride on his coffin,
Slaps you hard and often?
What do you and me have in common?
We're idiot friends!

(Everyone Cheers)

SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much.

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