Episode Transcript: Breath of Fresh Squidward

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To Love a Patty Money Talks

Episode Article: Breath of Fresh Squidward

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at Squidward's house. Squidward is sleeping)

Patrick: Will you please pass the chips, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Uh, sorry, Patrick, we're all out.

Patrick: Aw, barnacles! (Squidward begins waking up) What am I gonna do with all this dip? (SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting in chairs beside Squidward's bed)

SpongeBob: Patrick!

Squidward: (screams) What are you two morons doing?

SpongeBob: Waiting to watch the sunrise...with you.

Squidward: (holds up a timer that says 3:47 AM) At 3:47 AM in the morning?!

SpongeBob: Uh-huh.

Squidward: In my bedroom?!

SpongeBob: We come here every morning.

Squidward: You sneak into my house every morning?!

SpongeBob: Uh-huh. (Squidward groans)

Patrick: It's our favorite pasttime. (Squidward growls as Patrick holds up a green flag and a #1 glove and waves them around)

SpongeBob: Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. It's all here in this memory book. (points to pictures) Here we are on the 4th of July. (photo of them wearing Uncle Sam Hats and fireworks while Squidward is dressed as the Statue of Liberty is shown) And Valentine's Day. (photo shows them wearing heart hats) Oh, you look so cute on Easter. (photo shows them wearing Bunny outfits. Squidward is groaning angrily) What's wrong Squidward?

Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you?

SpongeBob and Patrick: (gasp) Story time!

SpongeBob: Can I tell it this time, Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. (happy gland sneezes)

Squidward: And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever...

French Narrator: 3 hours later...

Squidward: And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again...

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Squidward: ...for as long as time shall stand.

SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward?

Squidward: What? (sun rises)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Ohh...

SpongeBob: Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Squidward.

Squidward: GET OUT! (bubble-wipe to later where Squidward is putting up an electric fence to separate him from the neighbors) Perfect.

SpongeBob: Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big fence warming party.

Squidward: (realizes) Oh, of course. Come, take a seat. The picnic's about to start. (bubble-wipe to later. SpongeBob and Patrick are on a catapult)

SpongeBob: Oh, this is so neat.

Patrick: I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you, Sponge... (both are launched over the fence)

Squidward: It worked! Now I'll just turn on the electric fence. (does so) Now, they'll never get back in. (SpongeBob and Patrick land inside the fenced area)

Patrick: Let's do it again.

SpongeBob: Let's do it again.

Patrick: Can we Squidward?

SpongeBob: Huh?

Squidward: What? No! (points to the door) Get out!

SpongeBob: But...

Squidward: No! You're going out this door, right now... (touches the doorknob and gets electrocuted)

SpongeBob: You're not angry at us, are you Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? (Squidward's brain is not storming anymore and has a rainbow over it) Okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be at the petting zoo if you want us.

Squidward: Do they have cute sea horses there?

SpongeBob: Yeah, they're pretty adorable.

Squidward: And the little scallops that nibble on your fingers when you feed them?

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.

Squidward: Can I come?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh...yeah. (bubble-wipe to a montage of events: Squidward petting a sea horse, riding in a wagon while SpongeBob and Patrick pull him, riding a ferris wheel, and taking pictures in a photo booth. Later, a bus drops them off in front of Squidward's house. Squidward runs inside) Good night, Squidward.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, did you notice something slightly different about Squidward?

Patrick: Uh, new glasses?

SpongeBob: No, no, I mean, he seems happier.

Squidward: (peeks his head out his bedroom window) Good night, Bikini Bottom. I love you! (closes window)

Patrick: He's probably happy about his new glasses. (bubble-wipe to the next day when SpongeBob wakes up to his foghorn alarm. He turns off his alarm but he pokes Squidward's nose instead)

Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob. Honk! (makes alarm sound at SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing here?

Squidward: You were right, SpongeBob. Watching the sunrise together is much better.

SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, yeah. I forgot. The new Squidward. (gets out of bed) I guess I'd better get ready for work. (looks back and Squidward waves to him) Boy, the new Squidward sure is friendly. (reads the newspaper while sipping his coffee. Squidward grabs his coffee cup. Laughs haltingly) The new Squidward sure is helpful. (cut to SpongeBob brushing his teeth) Ah.. Huh? (Squidward is flossing SpongeBob's teeth. Laughs) The new Squidward sure is hygienic. (he and Squidward walk to work together) Boy...the new Squidward sure is chummy. (tries to get away but Squidward sticks back to him. Bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab) Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my grill, and you, Mister Smiley Face Krabby Patty. No one can come between us. (Squidward squeezes between them)

Squidward: Hello, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Ah! S-S-Squidward! Aren't you supposed to be out front?

Squidward: I wanted to help you work.

SpongeBob: What? Oh, that's silly talk, Squidward. I'm chief fry cook, and we fry cooks are supposed to work alone. And, uh... (pokes his head out the order window) ...we're not supposed to get distracted while we're cooking, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! (grabs him and brings him out front) Stop distracting SpongeBob and service the customers!

Squidward: (runs to a table, where a family is eating) How are we today? Everything a-okay here?

Tom: What do you mean?

Squidward: How's your meal? Anyone want tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke. (Plops the hat on the child's head)

Kid: Mommy, I'm scared.

Squidward: Who wants a free refill?

Mr. Krabs: (in my office) Did somebody just say "free"? (runs out of his office) What's the problem here?

Kid: (starting to cry with tears in her eyes) He-he...he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce, and then he gave me a free hat!

Mr. Krabs: Free?! (his eyes dry up) Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Listen up. My customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse, and if you don't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob. (SpongeBob comes out of the bathroom and sees Squidward holding a plate of patties)

SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing here?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs told me to help you, so I made Krabby Patties, you see?

SpongeBob: Tsk-tsk-tsk... Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice. You'd never be up to it. Sorry. (he is about to throw the patties in the trash when Mr. Krabs comes in)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? What do you think you're doing with those patties?

SpongeBob: Oh, these are no good, Mr. Krabs. Squidward made 'em.

Mr. Krabs: They look all right to me.

SpongeBob: But he's not a real fry cook.

Mr. Krabs: He is now. Give him an apron and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. (SpongeBob whimpers and his eyes shrink and fall inside his body. Bubble-wipe to later where both SpongeBob and Squidward are at the grill)

Squidward: (turns and notices the Employee of the Month pictures on the wall) Wow, SpongeBob! You've been employee of the month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month.

SpongeBob: Actually, Squidward, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. (giggles) Keep dreaming.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?!

SpongeBob: (races to the dining area) Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: What is the meaning of this?! (shows a Krabby Patty)

SpongeBob: What's wrong with it?

Mr. Krabs: (removes the top bun and lettuce to reveal something made of ketchup and mustard) A smiley face...with dimples?!

SpongeBob: (screams) Dimples?! It was him! (points to Squidward) New Squidward did it.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward?!

Squidward: Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: I have one thing to tell you, Mister. Oh, I just love the little ketchup dimples you do! (SpongeBob gasps) You're now my new employee of the month. (takes his picture. SpongeBob breaks into pieces)

Patrick: (walks in the Krusty Krab with a pink box in his hand) Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. (SpongeBob doesn't speak or move) No, really, who is it? I don't know.

SpongeBob: (sadly) The guy you're looking for is over there. (points to a crowd of customers and Mr. Krabs cheering and throwing Squidward up into the air with excitement. SpongeBob cries softly)

Patrick: Oh... SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes?

Patrick: I want you to pull yourself together, OK? And then I want you to...

SpongeBob: Mm-hmm?

Patrick: Help me spell "Squidward". (opens up the pink box to reveal a cake that reads "Congratulations SpongeBob: Employee of the Month")

SpongeBob: Okay. (takes a tube of filling handed to him by Patrick and changes "SpongeBob" to "Squidward")

Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. Party at my house! (leaves. The customers and Mr. Krabs cheer and march Squidward out of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob stares back sadly. Bubble-wipe to Patrick's house where several partygoers arrive at the party in progress. Cut to inside)

Squidward: (in the middle of a conga line with some customers and Mr. Krabs) Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? (passes by again) How's the cake, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. It's a very okay cake. (sniffles)

Squidward: I love being Employee of the Month.

SpongeBob: (he has tears in his eyes) Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if New Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month. And so what if New Squidward is pogo dancing with your best friend. (gasps) Pogo dancing with your best friend?! (whimpers then gets angry) Stop! (party stops and partygoers are shocked) Maybe you can take my job, and maybe you can take my place on the Employee of the Month Wall of Fame, but nobody, and I mean nobody, pogo dances with that guy (points to Patrick) but me. Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! (Squidward leaves in tears and goes over to touch the doorknob on the electric fence, not realizing that it's still on, and gets shocked. At the party, the lights dim while SpongeBob and Patrick pogo dance) You know what, Patrick? Maybe I was a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he may be a good fry cook and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best friend in the world. (gasps) I know! I'll go apologize! Come on! (he and Patrick bounce over to Squidward's house, where Squidward is still being shocked) Squidward, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for being so selfish, scolding at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking and pictures on the wall, and dancing? I mean, we're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put 'er there.

Patrick: He's too proud.

SpongeBob: Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. (tries to high-five Squidward, but when he grabs Squidward's hand he gets shocked too)

Patrick: H-Hey, I want to dance funny, too! (puts his hand on SpongeBob's and gets shocked as well. The off/on switch explodes, destroying the electric fence)

Squidward: (his eyes reappear from the shock and he talks normally) SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here?!

SpongeBob: (his eyes reappear. SpongeBob is now acting, talking and looking like Squidward) What are you talking about?

Patrick: (likewise) Yeah, what's the big idea? (all talking at once)

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