Episode Transcript: 20,000 Patties Under the Sea

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Pest of the West	The Battle of Bikini Bottom

Episode Article: 20,000 Patties Under the Sea

Characters

SpongeBob
Patrick
Plankton
Sea Monster
Mr. Krabs
Squidward
Plankton's customers
Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob and Patrick's customers
Jack M. Crazyfish

Dialogue

(in Jellyfish Fields)

SpongeBob: Breaker, breaker outer perimeter, looks clear. Over.

Patrick: Robert, Robert...uhh...Ronald, Ronald. Ryan.

SpongeBob: Are you sure your not trying to say Roger?

Patrick: Oh, wait I got it. Ringo...

SpongeBob: Patrick, we have visual contact. Now taking evasive action. Subject still in close proximity. Over.

Patrick: Hello?

SpongeBob: Please reply.

Patrick: I wonder if I can order pizza with these things.

SpongeBob: Please, contact immanent Patrick. Respond now. Please. Please!

Patrick: SpongeBob, you're going to need to speak up. My eardrums aren't what they used to be.

SpongeBob: But I can't speak up Patrick, there's a jellyfish here and I'm worried it might sting me if I make any loud... (SpongeBob bumps Patrick and he screams)... noises.

Patrick: Oops. (they run away. The jellyfish shrugs it off.)

SpongeBob: Is he still after us, Patrick?

Patrick: I don't know, buddy.

SpongeBob: Should we turn around and check?

Patrick: Ok. (they trip over something)

SpongeBob: Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.

Patrick: I think I landed on a rock.

SpongeBob: Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.

Patrick: That's just Squidward sunbathing again. (Squidward lowers down his sunglasses)

SpongeBob: No, not that, Patrick. This!

Patrick: What is it?

SpongeBob: I don't know. I think there's something buried underneath it. And I'm gonna go get some shovels so we can dig it up.

Patrick: We?

(cut to large piles of dirt)

SpongeBob: Phew! Nothing like a little manual labor to put some hair on your chest, eh, Patrick?

Patrick: I'll say. (his entire chest is covered with hair)

SpongeBob: Plus, look at what we unearthed! A UFO! (look inside) Go on, you first. (Patrick climbs down a ladder) Kinda dark, huh?

Patrick: Yeah, dark.

SpongeBob: Well, there has to be a light switch around here somewhere. Found it. Excuse me, sir. (pulls off a skeleton and proceeds to start the submarine) Hey, Patrick, look! We're moving! And here's the steering wheel!

Patrick: Hold it, SpongeBob. You better let me drive.

SpongeBob: Gimme that wheel!

Patrick: No! Let go! I wanna drive! (the submarine goes crazy)

(scene cuts to the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prostegious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street. And that's our only competition.

Squidward: Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Well, since you can't bring any customers into the Krusty Krab, have you ever thought about bringing the Krusty Krab to the customers?

Mr. Krabs: Quiet, Squidward, I'm brainstorming! Ooh, ooh! What if instead of bringing customers to the Krusty Krab, we could bring the Krusty Krab to the customers?

Squidward: La la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Mr. Krabs: Yes, of course! But how? (the submarine crashes into the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Can we park here? Hey, Mr. Krabs! Look what Patrick and I found! We're gonna use it to go on a long journey.

Patrick: Or even around the block!

Mr. Krabs: That's it! We'll take the Krusty Krab on the road. (cut to outside) So long, lad. Make me lots of money!

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward. Bye, Mr. Krabs. (dreamily) Bye, Squidward.

Patrick: You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob: I like Squidward.

Plankton: (looking through a telescope) A traveling restaurant, eh? It's not fair! I had that idea years ago! No matter. If Mr. Krabs wants to play dirty, then Plankton's ready for his turn to take his turn. (laughs and turns the fist from the Chum Bucket building into a flying vehicle)

SpongeBob: Hello!

Man: Hello.

SpongeBob: Could I interest you in a Krabby Patty?

Man: No thanks.

Patrick: Now what?

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Mr. Krabs said if we didn't find customers, not to come back. (to Con Man) Uh, are you sure you don't want to be out first customer, sir?

Man: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. (walks away)

SpongeBob: Wait! We'll pay you!

Man: Hey, thanks again, guys. Good luck with the restaurant!

SpongeBob: Thank you, sir, come again!

Plankton: Those nincompoops are better salesmen than I suspected. (an alarm sets off)

Voice: Customer approaching.

Plankton: Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?

Boy: Uh, does it come in raspberry?

Plankton: Um, no.

Boy: Blueberry?

Plankton: No.

Boy: Uh...raspberry?

Plankton: Ah, come on, kid. You asked me that already. Now quit wasting my time!

Lady Fish: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?

Plankton: I'm Plankton, you old hag. And your son smells like boogers.

Man Fish: Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way. What do you think this is?

Plankton: I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty. That's what this is.

Grandma: Hey, you can't talk about my grandson like that. Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital.

Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, Grandma.

Grandma: You're probably right.

Plankton: You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here. (people start throwing rocks) What the? No! Controls malfunctioning!

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Yeah?

SpongeBob: Weren't you supposed to be on kitchen duty? (cut to the kitchen, where the patties are burnt) Oh, no. You burnt all the patties. It's hard as a rock. How are we gonna find someone who would buy these?

Man Fish: Hey, the rocks are all gone.

Crowd: Aww! (Plankton smiles)

SpongeBob: Folks, have I got a deal for you. (the crowd sees the hard patties. they buy them and proceed to hit Plankton with them)

Jack: Alright, get him!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs is gonna be so proud of us when he finds out how good we're doing. See any new customers, Patrick?

Patrick: No, but I see a sign. It says. "Warning: Ab... eyes?"

SpongeBob: Let me see. (looks through periscope) No, Patrick, that says "Abyss."

Patrick: OK. What's an abyss, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: An abyss is a bottomless...(the submarine falls down the abyss)...chasm! (an alarm goes off) Pat, we're falling!

Patrick: And now we're being bathed in an eerie red light!

Plankton: (sees it falling) Yes! Yes!

Patrick: And now a deafening warning siren! (SpongeBob imitates the sound. the submarine hits a sludgy item, which turns out to be the head of the Sea Monster)

Sea Monster: (shouts)

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We've floated back up, out of the deep, dark, depressing, horrible abyss! (looks at the Sea Monster)

Sea Monster: Hey! Who are you calling dark and depressing?

SpongeBob: We didn't mean it that way, Mr. Sea Monster, sir! What we really wanna know is... are you hungry?

Sea Monster: Hungry? I've been asleep for 79 years. Which means my last meal was 79 years ago. Yes, I'm hungry.

SpongeBob: Then try one of our Krabby Patties.

Sea Monster: Mmm! That's the best thing I've tasted since that sewer spill...back in '76. I'll take 640 of them.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Woo hoo!

Patrick: Order...uh...up. (the Sea Monster gives them large wads of cash)

Plankton: Now that those two are out of the picture, all of the customers will come running to me. (looks at the Sea Monster paying them) This calls for drastic, uh.. rish... measures! Okay, you bums, time for the second course; Chum Charges!

Patrick: SpongeBob! Our hull's been breached. Do you know what that means?

SpongeBob: No!

Patrick: Neither do I!

Plankton: Yes! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the...(the vehicle crashes into a cavern wall) Ah, who needs that Rust Bucket anyhow.

Sea Monster: Come on in there! I want more sandwiches!

Patrick: (a piece of chum enters) SpongeBob, look!

SpongeBob: What is it?

Patrick: It's a liquid.

SpongeBob: No, it's a solid! It's a solid!

SpongeBob and Patrick: It's a "lol-squid."

Sea Monster: All right, what's going on in there? Hey, that looks like a sandwich to me!

SpongeBob: But not just a sandwich. It's a...Chumwich.

Sea Monster: (eats it) Mmm! Now that's a sandwich!

(cut to a sequence of SpongeBob making Chumwiches, Patrick collecting the Chum, and the Sea Monster paying them for the Chumwiches)

SpongeBob: Anything else before we shove off?

Sea Monster: I want dessert!

SpongeBob: We don't have desserts.

Plankton: (lands from his parachute) Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my...(falls down and rolls into some mud)

Sea Monster: Hey, a chocolate eclair! Now that looks like dessert to me!

Plankton: No! No, no, no, no! You've got it all wrong, see... Hey! (the Sea Monster chases Plankton)

(cut to the Krusty Krab)

Janitor: (repairing the windows SpongeBob and Patrick broke previously) There you are, Mr. Krabs, just like new again.

Squidward: Now all we have to do is keep SpongeBob away from the...(the submarine crashes into the windows. Janitor looks disapointed at the window)

SpongeBob: We're back, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Tell me all about it. Please, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!

SpongeBob: You wouldn't believe it, we had so many new customers!

Mr. Krabs: I don't care about that. Tell me about the money.

SpongeBob: There we were at the bottom of a deep, dark, abyss. And we had to let go of something heavy.

Patrick: And paper.

Mr. Krabs: You let go of all the money I earned as ballast?