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Episode Transcript: To Love a Patty
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Episode Article: To Love a Patty
Characters
Dialogue
(episode begins at the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: (singing) Someday, I'm gonna make you my sweetie. Not overtly, but sur-rep-titious-ly. Drum solo! (uses spatula as drum sticks) Dooga, dooga, dooga, dooga, dooga...doo. Doo, doo, doo, doo. Doo. Doo.
SpongeBob: Hey, looks like you guys and gals are done. (flips all the patties into the air then uses one of his special helmet gadgets to squirt ketchup and mustard on the patties. When the patties fall, they land on a bun that SpongeBob is holding. He then puts the lettuce and tomato and cheese on the patties) In all my years of fry cookery, I have never seen such a lovely group of patties. Especially...you. (points to a patty with tomatoes for eyes, a pickle for a nose, and Mayonnaise for a smile) Such perfection from your little lettuce hair to your rosy ketchup cheeks right down to your mustard smile. May I call you...Patty?
Squidward: SpongeBob, I need that order of six.
SpongeBob: Here you go, Squidward. One, two, and three, and four, and uh... five and six. (only gave Squidward five patties) That's it. That's the whole order, Squidward. There isn't a Krabby Patty behind my back or anything. (laughs)
Squidward: Uh... yeah.
SpongeBob: Oh, Patty, a patty like you comes around once in a lifetime. I can't let them eat you. No, the job must come first. I can't let emotions cloud my commitment to the sacred fry cook oath: "That which is fired, must be eaten."
Squidward: SpongeBob, where is that other...oh, there it is. (SpongeBob looks out the kitchen door to see three muscular guys sitting at a table, in which two of them are eating patties while the other one does not have one)
Customer: Where's my Krabby Patty?
Squidward: Right here, muscle-boy.
Customer: It's about time. (before he takes a bite, the patty sheds a tear)
SpongeBob: (screams and grabs the patty) No! I won't let you do this to Patty.
Squidward: SpongeBob, hand over the Krabby...
SpongeBob: (sitting under the grill) Oh, Patty, I can't let them eat you. Your beauty must be preserved. (opens up the patty) Amazing.
Squidward: (snickering) What are you gonna do with it, take it home? Put a little dress on it? Go out for a romantic walk with it? (snickers)
SpongeBob: Great idea. (runs off)
Squidward: (sighs) I wonder if it's too late to get a refund from my therapist.
SpongeBob: (gives a krabby patty to the customer) Enjoy, sir.
Customer: Can I eat this one? (lifts the top bun off to reveal a shoe in the burger) Hey, how'd they know? I love grilled shoe. (begins to eat the burger. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob’s house where Patty is cooking on the grill)
SpongeBob: What's cooking there, Patty? Oh, are you kidding? I love crepes. Oh, Patty, when we're together I feel like we're in our own little world like, like...nothing can hurt us. (small explosion) Fire! (alarm bell rings. Pants) Fire! Fire!
Gary: (by a fire extinguisher) Meow. (puts out the fire. SpongeBob stops panting)
SpongeBob: It's OK, Patty, the fire's gone. You're safe now. (doorbell rings) Oh, I better, uh... get the doorbell. (opens up door)
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! How about another game of "Tie Your Best Buddy in Knots?" (ties SpongeBob in a knot) Okay. My turn.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. I'm going for a walk with Patty as soon as she dries her hair
Sandy: Hi-yah! (karate chops door open) Hey, SpongeBob, you didn't forget about our plan to go a-choppin', did ya?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Sandy. No time for karate today. After our walk, I'm going for a rowboat ride with Patty. Just waiting for her to put on her makeup. You know how long it takes a Krabby Patty to get ready.
Sandy: Well, that makes as much sense as a snake with no slither. Patties are put in the water for eatin', SpongeBob. Not for beboppin' all over Timbuktu.
SpongeBob: (sighs) Patty. Yeah, well, you have fun with that. (walks out) Patty and I have to be on our way.
Patrick: I've been replaced by a sandwich! (sobs) Maybe I could make a beautiful sandwich of my own. Yeah! That'll show SpongeBob! (SpongeBob walks off. Cut to SpongeBob dancing with Patty and singing)
Music: "Oh Baby"
SpongeBob: Oh baby... They may call me a fool, But I can't help, Our gravitational pull. (cut to him and Patty at the Valentine's Day Carnival)
When I stuff you with cotton candy, (does so) It reminds me you're so sweet. (cut to them on a kiddie ride)
When we go riding, It's dandy, The way you hang onto the seat, BAY-AY-AY-BY! (cut to them on a bench)
When I'm with you, Our love is stronger than glue, (throws a slice of bread to a scallop, which eats it) Whoa! OH BABY!
There isn't anything, There's nothing in the world, I wouldn't do, (picks up another slice of beard, but Patty is not next to him) For youuuu!
(spoken) Hey, let go of her you patty eaters! (scallops are trying to eat Patty) No, get away! (fights the scallops)
Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hwaaaah-chah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah-dah! wha-cha-wha-hu-wha-hu-ya-hu-wha-hu-wha-hu-ya-hu! Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ha-yah! (picks up Patty)
Patty, you okay sweetums? (sung) I'm sooooooo... sorry...! I'll never let you out of my sight again, And I'll always keep you out of harm's wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...! Yeeeeeeeeeh! (cut to him and Patty on a boat. SpongeBob is rowing the boat)
Oh baby, I love you so strong, That's why I'm singing this song, BAY-AY-AY-BY!
Your looks are sweeter than honey, From your pickles to your buns, It ain't even funnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-yyyyooaahh! (the boat goes down a waterfall. SpongeBob emerges)
(spoken) I'm coming for ya, Oh no, look at you! (picks up the bottom bun of a now-wet Patty) Don't worry Patty! I'll take care of this! (picks up the rest of Patty and puts "her" back together) There you go... (cut to a close-up of Patty) (sung) All better... Oh baby.
(song ends. Cut to SpongeBob having a picnic with Patty)
SpongeBob: Oh, Patty. Do you realize what this signifies? Mm-hmm. That's right. It's our six-hour anniversary. And do you know what that means? Are you all right, Patty? You don't seem so hot. Don't worry, I know what'll make you feel better. A dinner at the finest restaurant in Bikini Bottom. (bubble-wipe to Krusty Krab at night)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Where the barnacles is our fry cook? He's been gone all day. That boy's never been a work shirker. We got a crowd of hungry customers waiting.
Squidward: How should I know? Do I look like an idiot's keeper?
Mr. Krabs: Well... actually... (doors open to SpongeBob in a tux)
SpongeBob: Good day, sir.
Squidward: As if on cue.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's with the fancy getup?
SpongeBob: Oh, I just got gussied up for my special dinner date.
Mr. Krabs: A dinner date? Well, blow me down, boy. I didn't know you had it in you. So when do we get to meet the little lady? (quietly) By the way, is she rich?
SpongeBob: She's rich in taste.
Squidward: How could you possibly date anyone? I mean look at you. She must be blind.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, a limousine.
SpongeBob: There she is.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can just smell the money already.
SpongeBob: (carrying in Patty) Here we are, darling. The best eatery in town. (walks by a couple eating and they sniff the odor in the air)
Martha: Harold, again?
Harold: Martha, I know what you're thinking. It's not me this time.
Martha: Well, whatever it is, it's disgusting.
Harold: Let's get out of here.
Martha: Yuck.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward... allow me to introduce my date... Patty.
Mr. Krabs: Your date's a Krabby Patty? Me thinks the boy's really lost it.
Squidward: (sniffs the odor in the air) What's that putrid odor?
Mr. Krabs: (sniffs) Oh, it's the Krabby Patty. (we see a close-up of the messy patty like what was shown in The Algae's Always Greener) What are you doin' with that rotten piece o' meat, boy?
SpongeBob: This isn't a piece o' meat, Mr. Krabs. She's Patty. (quietly) And we're on a special date tonight so you don't mind if we get the "manager's treatment," do you?
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, boy, no can do.
SpongeBob: Oh, really? Mr. Fiver says different. (shows a five dollar bill)
Mr. Krabs: What was that? I couldn't hear ya.
SpongeBob: (gets out more money) How about now?
Mr. Krabs: All right, take a seat.
SpongeBob: (gets out a tiny throne seat for Patty) Here you go, my dear. A throne befitting a queen. Oh, good evening, monsieur. What might we have on the menu at this fine establishment?
Squidward: Well, you should know considering the fact that you work here, sod for brains. Speaking of sods... why don't you get rid of this garbage? It's starting to stink up the joint.
SpongeBob: Don't say such a thing, Squidward. Patty's just a little sick, is all. Right, wubby-wubby?
Squidward: I'll show you sick. (grabs Patty)
SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing with my beautiful patty?
Squidward: Beautiful, huh? How beautiful do you think this is? (close-up of the gross patty with worms in it)
SpongeBob: Stop it, Squidward. Maybe you can't see Patty's beauty but to me she's the most gorgeous creature in the sea.
Squidward: Well, I definitely see I can't help the mentally atrophied. Good-bye, Creature.
SpongeBob: Pay you no mind to that, wubby-wubby. I will always love you... (sniffs) Yeah, what is that smell? (gasps) Patty? (screams and drops the Clown Patty on the table) What happened to you?
Mr. Krabs: I think I can explain, boy. There was a time when I was in love, too. She was a Krabby Patty that looked a lot like yours does. (rotten tomatoes fall out of Patty) Well, maybe not right now, but you know what I mean. She was a firm, juicy, a warm patty. And attractive- oh, she looked good enough to eat. So...I did. do you hear what I'm sayin' to you, boy?
SpongeBob: Um, not quite, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patties are meant to be loved and eaten. That's what they're put in the ocean for. And it looks like yours is way past due.
SpongeBob: I see now. I see what I must do. (jumps up on the table) Oh, (Clown) Patty, my darling. Before I do this, I want you to know that I'll only do it out of love. (chews the clown patty)
Mr. Krabs: Well done, boy. As a reward for your valiant effort, I'll only charge you 25 cents for the (clown) patty. Employee discount.
SpongeBob: (almost puking, holding his mouth for a while) Can I get a doggy bag with that?
