Episode Transcript: Shuffleboarding

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To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants	Professor Squidward

Episode Article: Shuffleboarding

Characters

Dialogue

Narrator: Shady Shoals, mild mannered rest home and secret headquarters of Mermaid Man - Master of maritime justice and defender of Bikini Bottom.

Mermaid Man: Semi-retired!

Narrator: And his faithful ward, Barnacle Boy.

Mermaid Man: Who?

Barnacle Boy: Hello.

Narrator: Today we find this duo of dynamism engaged in their favorite pastime: watching TV.

(REMOTE!)

(Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy immediately fall asleep.)

(NAP!)

Narrator: But wait, what's this? Why, it's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's biggest fans: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star.

SpongeBob: Don't they look peaceful?

Patrick: Yah... WAKE! UP!

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ahhhh! (jump off the couch)

Mermaid Man: I'll deal with these super villains with my trusty Mermerang!

Barnacle Boy: Wait! Those aren't super villains.

(Mermaid Man throws his Mermerang at SpongeBob.)

SpongeBob: Hi Mermai... (SpongeBob gets hit in the face with the Mermerang.) Umph! I can't believe Mermaid Man hit me with his Mermerang... It's so awesome!

Patrick: Wow! (Turns to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy) Can you beat me up next?

Mermaid Man: Keep on your guard Barnacle Boy; they're getting ready for another attack!

Barnacle Boy: Those aren't super villains. It's just that kid, uh, SpongeBob and his goofy friend. Hey kid, can you give us our Mermerang back? We only got the one.

SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing. (SpongeBob throws the Mermerang to Barnacle Boy.)

Barnacle Boy: Oh, don't throw... (He gets hit in the face with the Mermerang.)

(The Mermerang flies back to SpongeBob.)

SpongeBob: Hey, It came back!

Barnacle Boy: Ya, it does that.

SpongeBob: I'll try again.

Barnacle Boy: No! Ahhh! (gets hit again with the Mermerang) Umph! Oh!

(Again, the Mermerang flies back to SpongeBob.)

Barnacle Boy: Look, I'll just come and get... (SpongeBob throws the Mermerang again.)

(Barnacle Boy ducks down to avoid being hit again.)

(Barnacle Boy stands up once the Mermerang goes over his head.)

Barnacle Boy: What is wrong with you? (Mermerang comes back and hits Barnacle Boy in the head again.)

Mermaid Man: Nice shot!

Patrick: Wow! That Mermerang really likes you!

SpongeBob: I know!

Mermaid Man: Now just hand me the Mermerang, son. (SpongeBob, once again, throws the Mermerang, hitting Mermaid Man in the head.)

SpongeBob: (Prepares to catch the Mermerang once again.) I've got it! (The Mermerang flies past SpongeBob)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Runaway Mermerang!!!

(PANIC!)

(All the old people start running around and scream creating chaos.)

(The Mermerang hits Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy again. Barnacle Boy sees scallops after he gets hit.)

(Both of them fall back on their couch and are dumped into the Mermalair.)

(SpongeBob and Patrick follow.)

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ahhhhh!

(They stand up and then SpongeBob and Patrick land onto them. After a pause, the Mermerang falls onto Barnacle Boy's head one last time. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy end up in the hospital, and we see Barnacle Boy waking up to see that SpongeBob is right in his face.)

SpongeBob: Hi... How ya feeling?

Barnacle Boy: Would you get off of me!?

SpongeBob: OK!

Barnacle Boy: Umph! What are you two doing here anyway!?

SpongeBob: Oh! I almost forgot!

(Pulls flowers out of his head.)

SpongeBob: I brought you flowers! Since you two are feeling so poorly.

Patrick: You never brought me flowers.

SpongeBob: Patrick, go home and check your mailbox.

Patrick: Really???

(Ring Ring)

Mermaid Man: The Mermaphone! (Picks up a tissue box) Mermaid Man here. (Record scratches) Oh. (Phone rings again.) (Mermaid Man picks up the real phone.) Mermaid Man here! Ah! Commissioner! What can I do for you?

Commissioner: (what is heard) Bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla bla.

Mermaid Man: You can count on Mermaid Man commissioner! It's for you. (Hands the phone to Barnacle Boy.)

Barnacle Boy: Barnacle Boy here.

Commissioner: (what is heard) Bla bla bla, bla bla bla.

Barnacle Boy: Yes but...

Commissioner: Bla bla bla bla.

Barnacle Boy: Yes, yes commissioner... But, uh. (Click) (The commissioner hangs up.)

Barnacle Boy: The police commissioner needs us to be celebrity contestants at the Bikini Bottom Shuffle Boarding Competition. But there's no way we can do it in this condition!

Mermaid Man: What kind of quitter talk is that!? We're super heroes! We're going to that shuffle boarding competition, or my name isn't... (He raises his arm and hurts it) OWWW! You're right Barnacle Boy, if only there was someone to take our place.

SpongeBob: (Biting his lip) Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Patrick and I can do it Mermaid Man!!!

Barnacle Boy: What!? Why should we trust you two!?

SpongeBob: Because (He and Patrick show them cards signifying membership in the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fan club) we're card carrying members of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fan club.

Barnacle Boy: So?

SpongeBob: We're also (He and Patrick turn the cards over to reveal a description: "This club member is a certified Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy impersonator") certified Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy impersonators.

Patrick: Certified!

Mermaid Man: You can't argue with certification!

Barnacle Boy: Ohhhh... All right. I suppose they can't do too much damage. It's just shuffle boarding... umph!

(SpongeBob and Patrick both start jumping on Barnacle Boy while cheering.)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! We're going to be heroes!!! We're going to be heroes!!!

Patrick: Yay!

Barnacle Boy: Would you cut it out!?

Patrick: (Still jumping up and down.) Heroes! Heroes! Hero... (SpongeBob stops Patrick.) ...oes.

Barnacle Boy: Now listen up! Here, take these rings.

(BLING!)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Barnacle Boy: And when you touch 'em together, you will be instantly transformed into our duplicates.

SpongeBob and Patrick: (laughs) Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, unite!!! (They put the rings together.)

(RING)

SpongeBob: (In Mermaid Man costume) We're ready! Man Bob!

Patrick: (In Barnacle Boy costume) And Pat Boy!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Reporting for duty!

Barnacle Boy: When you're through with shuffleboarding, you are to bring those costumes right back here! And don't do anything else! Don't go home first, don't show your friends, just come right back here! You got it!?

SpongeBob: Got it!

Patrick: Got what?

Barnacle Boy: This'll never work.

Mermaid Man: What will never work?

(Later)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Shuffleboarding, shuffleboarding, shuffleboarding, YEAH! Woo-hoo! (Laughs)

SpongeBob: Shuffleboarding is exciting, huh Patrick?

Patrick: Well, duh!

SpongeBob: What's your favorite thing about shuffleboarding?

Patrick: Everything! It's even fun just to say the word! (Patrick says Shuffleboard in a complicated manner.)

SpongeBob: (SpongeBob says shuffleboard in another complicated manner.) (Laughs) It is fun!

Patrick: We are seriously going to kick some elderly buns today! Huh, SpongeBob? (Elbows SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Wha?

Patrick: (imagining) Out of the way gramps! That's my trophy old lady! (Patrick pretends to hit people with his shuffle boarding stick.)

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick.

Patrick: It's going to be an action-packed thrill ride of geriatric proportions! And the best part is, there is no way we can lose with these costumes on!

SpongeBob: (Shows a trophy to Patrick) We already won the tournament.

Patrick: Oh... yeah, I forgot. (Pause) Well, how come I didn't get a trophy!?

SpongeBob: You did, it's in your back pocket.

Patrick: (Patrick looks behind him. He sees a similar trophy to SpongeBob's stuffed in his costume.) Oh yeah, I forgot. Well, let's go do something else.

SpongeBob: Okay.

(They start walking when SpongeBob remembers Barnacle Boy's words... "You are to bring those costumes right back here! Don't do anything else!")

SpongeBob: Ohhh!!! Patrick! Stop! We can't. We have to get the costumes back.

Patrick: For Neptune's sake, SpongeBob, if we're not going to go around town pretending to be Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, then who is!?

SpongeBob: Nobody?

Patrick: Exactly. And with no one patrolling the town, who's gonna stop those youngsters from loitering? (Shows two little kids playing on a seahorse ride.)

SpongeBob: Their mommies?

Patrick: No! We are! Let's take 'em to the slammer!

SpongeBob: Patrick!!! Don't you think that's too harsh?

Patrick: Too harsh? (Shows the little kids being thrown into a jail cell.) Explain.

Mr. Jail Warden: (Eating a Krabby Patty) Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy? What are you doing here? Ohhh. (Throws the half-eaten Krabby Patty away.)

SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Wasting a Krabby Patty!?!? How could you!?

Mr. Jail Warden: (shrugs) I'm full.

(They throw Mr. Jail Warden into the jail cell.)

SpongeBob: Well, maybe somebody should have thought about that before they ponied up for the world's greatest patty, Mr. Jail Warden!!!

SpongeBob: You're right, Pat Boy! This town needs us!

(Guy chewing on gum blows a bubble and it pops.)

Patrick: You're chewing too loud! (Patrick throws him in jail.)

(Man walking with his shoes untied)

SpongeBob: Your shoe's untied! (SpongeBob throws him in jail.)

Patrick: You're too old! (Patrick throws Grandma in jail.)

(Shows the outside of the jail getting bigger and bigger.)

SpongeBob: Oh, I think we've done our work Patrick. Now, let's return these costumes.

(Just then, SpongeBob sees Man Ray walking into a laundromat.)

SpongeBob: Uuhhhhhh!!! That's the evil Man Ray!

(SpongeBob and Patrick are outside the window.)

SpongeBob: What diabolical plan could he be up to!?

Old Woman: Why, hello, Ray!

Man Ray: Mable! I haven't seen you since high school.

SpongeBob: Look at him Patrick! Plotting with his evil minion!

Mable: Say, could I borrow some of your detergent?

Man Ray: Why certainly. Anything for the gal I went to the prom with.

SpongeBob: I'll bet he's handing off some secret weapon! Time to crash this party!

Mable: You haven't aged a day, Ray!

Man Ray: Oh, you. (Laughs)

(SpongeBob and Patrick burst through the laundromat door.)

SpongeBob: Hello, Man Ray! Who's your friend?

Man Ray: Hey, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! I'd like you to meet Mable!

Mable: Any friend of Ray's is a friend of mine.

SpongeBob: Alright Mable, that's enough chitchat! Now are you gonna come quietly, or will we have to take you to jail by force!? (everyone pauses for a second) Playing dumb, eh?

Patrick: You handle Man Ray, I'll take care of his lackey.

(Patrick tackles Mable.)

Man Ray: Mable!?

SpongeBob: Hiiiiiii-ya! Eat dryer sheets Man Ray!

Man Ray: Ahhhh! Grrrrrr... You! It's on now! Filthy shorts attack! (Flings underwear at SpongeBob's face.)

SpongeBob: Whooooaaaaa!!!

Man Ray: Clothes basket bombardment! (Shoves a basket over Patrick's head.)

Patrick: Ohhhh!!!

Man Ray: Surrender! Mermaid Man? (SpongeBob throws a box at Man Ray) Ow! That's it! Time for the spin cycle! (Man Ray takes off his head and throws it like a frisbee at SpongeBob. That is called the spin cycle!)

SpongeBob: (gasp) Not so fast Man Ray!

(SpongeBob opens a dryer door.)

Man Ray: Wha?

SpongeBob: You're all wet, you need to dry out.

(SpongeBob closes the door and sets the dryer to shrink.

Man Ray: Noooo! My head is dry clean only! (His head begins to shrink)

(Moments later...)

Man Ray: (in high pitch) But I didn't do anything!

SpongeBob: Just keep moving.

Patrick: You too, missy.

(SpongeBob and Patrick put them in Jail. By now, the jail is full to bursting.)

SpongeBob: Well, our work is done here.