Episode Transcript: The Splinter

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Episode Article: The Splinter

Characters

Dialogue

SpongeBob: 6,5,4,3,2,1! Open for business!

Squidward: Yahoo.

SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, can I do it today? Can I?

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) I suppose you can have the honor today, lad.

(SpongeBob turns the closed sign to open) (laughs)

Squidward: (counting money) 27...28... (SpongeBob steps on Squidward's face)

SpongeBob: Freshness, check. Buns, check. Fresh patties...check. Whoops, I'm forgetting one minor detail. (squeezes hat out of his head) Oh, yeah. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just you? (eyelashes burn off)

Note (from Squidward): 2 Krabby Patties. P.S. SpongeBob, you're an idiot. LOVE, Squidward.

SpongeBob: Two Krabby patties. P.S., SpongeBob, you're an idiot. Looove, Squidward! Hah, love you, too, Squiddy. Two Krabby Patties, coming right up! (twirls Spat, but it gets stuck on the roof. tries jumping for it. he thinks. cut to a scene where a pile of stuff is stacked up to the ceiling. He tries to reach it, but it is unsuccessful. suddenly, some jars of tartar sauce from the pile break. meanwhile, SpongeBob goes up to the ceiling and reaches for Spat. he takes it off.) Wow, this thing was really stuck good. (puts it back on) Gotcha! (he falls, and is about to land on fallen swords) Well, I guess this is it. (he is saved by Spat, who gets stuck on a single sword) Oh, you really saved me! (he slips on some tartar sauce, and his finger gets run down on a splinter) Hey, a splinter! Ok, well it's been nice knowing you but you've got to go. Now. OK, out we go. (he cannot take it off) Ow! Oh, that kinda hurts. Ow, that really hurts. Oh, barnacles, this hurts! Conch shell manatee, this is painful! (tries to use Spat to take it off) Ok, you're tough, you're smart, you're charming, but you're still no match for me! Look! A bald eagle with a mustache! (tries to bite it off, but reveals his skeleton.) OK, fine, stay. But I hope you like making Krabby Patties.

Peterson: (talking to Squidward) Excuse me, sir, but I ordered a couple of Krabby Patties a while ago, and I'm wondering when they'll be out.

Squidward: (plays with his tentacles) It looks like I'm crushing your face. (laughs)

Peterson: So, will they be ready soon?

Squidward: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't move too much, it ruins it.

SpongeBob: (receives a crumpled note. tries to reach for Spat, but the splinter prevents him) Ow. Ow. Ow. You're making this a little bit difficult. Luckily, I am ambidextrous! (presses button on Spat, string comes out, and he ties the spatula to his nose. so he makes them.) Perfection!

SpongeBob: (dinging the serving bell) Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

Squidward: I hear you! I hear you!

SpongeBob: OK, good, because these 2 Krabby Patties are ready!

Squidward: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes?

Squidward: Can I ask you something?

SpongeBob: Yes.

Squidward: (smiling with a calm, relaxed voice) What's that? [referring to the spatula tied onto SpongeBob's nose]

SpongeBob: What's what?

Squidward: You know. (flicks spatula tied to SpongeBob's nose)

SpongeBob: Know what?

Squidward: (in the same tone as before) This.

SpongeBob: What?

Squidward: (same tone) This thing, here.

SpongeBob: What thing where?

Squidward: (same tone) The spatula...TIED TO YOUR NOSE!!

SpongeBob: Ohhh, this! (explains quickly)Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?

Squidward: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.

SpongeBob: (laughs) Good one, Squiddy.

Squidward: (grumbles) Injury. Your brain is injured! (gets an idea) Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?

SpongeBob: Yeah.

Squidward: Oh, no, no, no, no. That's nooooot good.

SpongeBob: I know, it hurts so bad.

Squidward: Yeah, when Mr. Krabs finds out, oh maaan.

SpongeBob: Finds out what?

Squidward: Finds out about this injury.

SpongeBob: You mean my splinter?

Squidward: He'll be forced to send you home.

SpongeBob: H-H-H-H-Home? But I'm fine!

Squidward: Here, let me take this for you. (takes SpongeBob's hat and spatula)

SpongeBob: Why? Hey, wait, I'm fine!

Squidward: It was a good shift while it lasted. (walks into the bathroom. SpongeBob follows)

SpongeBob: While it lasted? What are you doing?

(both walk into a stall. Squidward flushes SpongeBob's hat and spatula down the toilet)

SpongeBob: W-W-W-W-What are you doing?

Squidward: I know it's hard to say good-bye.

SpongeBob: But, but, but Squidward, I'm fine! (starts dancing) Look at me! I'm fine! I'm OK! Look at me, nothing's wrong! (takes some toilet paper and wraps up his splinter) See? See?

Squidward: Oh, I believe you SpongeBob, but unfortunately the rules clearly state that you must be sent home.

SpongeBob: No, anything but that. Please Squidward, you can't let this happen! (cries) You can't let the force be away!

Squidward: Sorry, the rules are the rules.

(SpongeBob starts crying)

Squidward: Yeah, it'll be pretty quiet around here with Mr. Krabs sending you home early and all. I just hope we'll make it through the whole rest of the day without you here. (smiles)

(SpongeBob breathes deeply)

SpongeBob: Please, Squidward! Don't tell Mr. Kra-a-a-abs!

Squidward: What? Me? Tell Mr. Krabs? Oh ,noooo. No, no, no no no no no. No.

SpongeBob: Phew.

Squidward: Well, maybe.

SpongeBob: GAAAAAH! (holds heart emitting from his chest)

Squidward: I don't have to tell Mr. Krabs...

(SpongeBob is relieved)

Squidward: (leans close to SpongeBob's ear) ...because he already knows.

(SpongeBob's eyes open wide and his nose droops) (Squidward grabs 2 pillows and places them over his ears while SpongeBob screams)

SpongeBob: He does?

Squidward: Oh, yeah. Mr. Krabs has preturnatural instincts when it comes to situations like this. It's almost as if when something's amiss in his restaurant (leans close to SpongeBob) he can smell it.

(SpongeBob and Squidward look out the kitchen window at Mr. Krabs, who is sniffing around. Mr. Krabs smells someone's wallet, and 2 quarters get stuck in his nostrils)

Mr. Krabs: These quarters smell sad. You're not planning to get a refill with them, are ya?

Fish: No, I wasn't. (throws soda on the ground and walks out)

SpongeBob: (gasps) You're right, Squidward! I need help!

(shows SpongeBob dialing a phone)

SpongeBob: Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up. (Patrick answers but doesn't say anything.)

SpongeBob: (taps his foot while waiting) Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah?

SpongeBob: Oh, thank goodness you're there. I got a splinter on my thumb and...

Patrick: Mm-hm, mm-hm. I see. Well, I'm pretty booked today, but I think I can fit you in.

SpongeBob: (opens back door with Patrick sitting in the dumpster with his phone.) Thanks, Patrick.

Patrick: No problem. (hangs up)

(Patrick dives into the dumpster and comes back up wearing a doctor outfit)

Patrick: (putting on gloves) You called the right person, Mr. SpongeBob. Now, let's see where the problem's at. (grabs SpongeBob's leg and inspects it) Hmmm...interesting. (sniffs his leg)

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick...

Patrick: (puts SpongeBob's leg in his mouth) Hmmm...interesting.

SpongeBob: Patrick?

(Patrick plays with SpongeBob's foot)

SpongeBob: Patrick, this isn't helping!

Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. (pulls SpongeBob's foot out of his mouth) I didn't realize you were a doctor.

SpongeBob: I'm not!

Patrick: Oh, but I'm sure you can figure it out with your 12 years of med school.

SpongeBob: Patrick, you didn't go to med school.

Patrick: So?

SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm sorry, I really need your help!

Patrick: Oh, no no, it looks like you have things under control.

SpongeBob: Please, Patrick! I don't want to go home early! (cries)

Patrick: OK. But we play by my rules, SquareBob.

(SpongeBob smiles and nods)

Patrick: (as a doctor, inspecting SpongeBob's thumb which has a splinter in it) Well, here's your problem! Don't you worry, buddy. We'll make it go away.

SpongeBob: Phew, thanks Patrick, you're a life saver.

Patrick: (takes out a huge wooden spike and a hammer, placing the spike on top of the splinter and lines up the hammer, then Patrick slams the splinter further into SpongeBob's thumb)

SpongeBob: Ow! (SpongeBob's thumb swells up horrifically and grows ten times in size)

Patrick: There appears to be a little bit of swelling. (Patrick picks up a lump of trash) This garbage compress should help that go down. (Patrick smothers the swollen thumb with the garbage. The garbage slides off of it and the area where the splinter is inserted fizzes a sickly green ooze and turns SpongeBob's thumb a dark purple) That doesn't look good. (Patrick's pager beeps) But my shift's over. Call me in the morning...if you can still dial the phone. (Puts hat on and walks away)

(SpongeBob walks back inside, but Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there)

Mr. Krabs: What's that?

SpongeBob: What's what?

Mr. Krabs: Behind your back?

SpongeBob: You mean this? (pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but the splinter is covered by his hat)

Mr. Krabs: Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!

SpongeBob: (puts hat on) Haha, company pride, of course.

Mr. Krabs: Uhh.. SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes?

Mr. Krabs: Have you always had 3 legs?

SpongeBob: (SpongeBob has a sock and shoe over his splintered thumb to hide it) Yes...

Mr. Krabs: (believing tone) Interesting... well what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about?

(SpongeBob panics)

Mr. Krabs: All right, boy, let's see it.

(SpongeBob gets scared)

Mr. Krabs: Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean how bad can it... (SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center.) gah-gah, ai-ai, rah-AAHH! Oh, merciful Neptune!

Squidward: (moans and faints)

Mr. Krabs: OK, no problem. No problem. (easily picks out the splinter. there is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti) Problem solv-- [a mass amount of pale green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face, he makes gurgling sounds but takes out an umbrella as it dies down) Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you worker's "compersation."

SpongeBob: What's worker's compensation?

Mr. Krabs: You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.

Squidward: (Squidward's eyes shoot open) You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, what did ya think "compersation" stands for?

Squidward: (breaks the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times) Ow!

Mr. Krabs: Uhhh...Squidward?

Squidward: (throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it, then squirms) Can I get my "compersation" now?

Mr. Krabs: Whoops. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over 2 minutes ago.

Squidward: (sighs)

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