Episode Transcript: Pat No Pay

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Episode Article: Pat No Pay

Characters

Dialogue

(at the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs checks the register but it's empty)

Mr. Krabs: Yeesh, we need some customers in here. (Patrick comes in Krusty Krab groaning) What's gotten into you?

Patrick: I don't know. (his stomach turns into different shapes and sizes) What's happening to me?

SpongeBob: I think I can explain. (lifts up Patrick's belly) Yes, I've seen this one before. It's a common symptom. Patrick is suffering from Krabby Patty withdrawal. He needs one, or he'll keep mumbling about it for the next 3-1/2 minutes.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, he needs one, eh? Methinks a paying customer's in our midst. Patrick, how's a Krabby Patty with extra cheese sound?

Patrick: (gasps) Give me.

Mr. Krabs: Not yet. First, I have to know, can you pay for it?

Patrick: Oh, yeah, I can pay for it.

Mr. Krabs: Good boy. (cut to Patrick inhaling a bunch of Krabby Patties like a vacuum)

Narrator: Ten seconds later. (Patrick is snoring)

Mr. Krabs: My good man, how you doing? (Patrick mumbles) Excellent. Now, let's get down to business. (gets out his receipt)

Patrick: What's that?

Mr. Krabs: Your bill.

Patrick: I don't have any money.

Mr. Krabs: What? I thought you said you could pay for it.

Patrick: Oh, I'm paying for it, all right. (belches)

Mr. Krabs: Non-paying customer! (alarm blares while the whole place is put on lock down)

Patrick: Huh?

Mr. Krabs: You're gonna pay, one way or another. (cut to Mr. Krabs and Patrick in bathroom) All right, Patrick, if you're not gonna pay for your food with money you're gonna pay with hard, physical labor. I want you to swab the latrine. (looks at the trash on the floor) I'll be back in a while to check up on you. (mumbles) Bottom-feeding imbeciles.

Patrick: No problem. Tra-la-la-la-la. (pushes the bucket along the floor leaving puddles of water on the ground) Work, work, work, work.

Mr. Krabs: So, Patrick, how are you...? (gasps) What in blazes did you do?

Patrick: (sitting on the ground with green soap on his belly) I accidentally tried the hand soap. (eats some more and burps) It doesn't taste as good as it smells. (Mr. Krabs mutters while pushing Patrick into the kitchen. Opens up a freezer door)

Mr. Krabs: See these ice cube trays? I want you to put it in that bucket.

Patrick: How do I do it?

Mr. Krabs: Figure it out.

Patrick: Uh... I have to be very gentle. (closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it to break into pieces)

Mr. Krabs: What the...? What are you doing?

Patrick: Almost done, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: You've destroyed me refrigerator. You've destroyed many of the thing I love. I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up. (cut to in front of the trash chute) Alls you got to do is throw all of these trash bags down the trash chute, like so. (throws a trash bag down the chute) See?

Patrick: Yup.

Mr. Krabs: Good, because if you mess this up you'll never eat another Krabby Patty again. (Patrick screams)

Patrick: Hurry, hurry, hurry! (throws some sacks into the trash chute fast)

Mr. Krabs: (to SpongeBob) Here, boy, take this sack of loot and put her in me safe.

SpongeBob: Okie dokie, Mr. Krabs. (goes by the trash room but hears some crashing so he checks it out) Patrick, what's up buddy?

Patrick: (a bunch of trash bags are stuck) I have to get rid of this trash, but it won't go down.

SpongeBob: (laughs) That's because you didn't hit the trash compactor switch. (turns the compactor on. All the trash is gone)

Patrick: SpongeBob, you're a genius! (sees the bag SpongeBob is holding) Oh, no, there's one left.

SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a trash bag.

Patrick: (throws the money bag in the compactor but it won't work) Why won't you go down?

Mr. Krabs: Well, well, let's see how the poor boy's doing. Well, did you earn me money back yet, Patrick? (Krusty Krab explodes. The trash compactor comes down in its original spot and spits out the money that was in the bag on Mr Krabs)

Patrick: Can I eat now?

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