Episode Transcript: Tentacle-Vision

Latest revision as of 05:13, 8 June 2025

Episode Article: Tentacle-Vision

[edit] Characters

• Squidward Tentacles
• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Patrick Star
• Zeus the Guitar Lord
• Mr. Krabs
• Sandy Cheeks
• Pearl Krabs
• Sheldon J. Plankton
• Larry the Lobster
• Producer

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at Squidward’s house. Squidward walks into his living room with a cup of coffee and sits down on his couch)

Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. (clicks remote. His television turns on, and we see a card with a hourglass and the words "Our programming will begin shortly." A short tune with ticking sounds plays)

News announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.

Squidward: No, no, no! Take your time. It’s worth the wait. (a card reading "Bikini Bottom PUBLiC ACCESS PRESENTS" appears. The card is light blue with some white "waves." Two turquoise-ish rectangles surround "Bikini Bottom," while two light green rectangles surround "PUBLiC," two darker green rectangles surround "ACCESS" and two orange rectangles surround "PRESENTS," which is smaller than the rest of the text. The rectangles are almost-evenly sized to match the size of each word. Playing throughout the whole thing is a synthesized tune)

News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents... (Squidward claps his hands. A yellow card with what appears to be a classy podium is shown. The purple words "Fab and Fancy!" are shown in the center. Everything "sparkles." We hear a saxophone-lead theme throughout) Fab and Fancy. (we see snails with decorative shells slither. "Sparkling" stars that emerge from the right side of the screen wipe this out and reveal a "sparkly" red background. "EXOTiC PETS" slides in from the right and stops in the center, "sparkling" as well) Your source for the latest exotic pets... (we see jewel-encrusted mittens in display cases. This is wiped out in the same manner as before, but this time the resulting background is green and "COLLECTiBLE JEWEL-ENCRUSTED MiTTENS" slides in, also in the same manner as before) Collectible jewel-encrusted mittens... (we see a classy-looking doorbell. A fish touches it and the doorbell rings with a classical chime. "CLASSiCAL DOORBELLS" zooms in from the center, "sparkling" all the while, and stops when it’s at a comfortable distance) And classical doorbell chimes...

Squidward: How sophisticating... (drinks coffee. The Fab and Fancy title card re-appears)

News announcer: ...has been canceled. ("CANCELED" zooms out and plasters itself to the Fab and Fancy title card. Squidward spits out steam)

Squidward: Oh yeah...I haven’t made the coffee yet. (cut to a coffee machine. Camera zooms out to reveal Squidward) Why in the world would they cancel Fab and Fancy? (walks back to his living room) What could possibly be more enriching? (drinks his coffee again but then loud electric guitar music screeches. The house shakes and Squidward spits out coffee) Wha?! (on the TV, we see a tower of skulls. The camera pans up until it reaches the top of the tower. A fish, who looks like a rock musician, plays a electric guitar and gets set ablaze. The fire explodes and the words "The Guitar Lord" zoom in)

Zeus: Hey. I’m Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don’t have a guitar yet. But if I did, I want a really killer one...(pulls out a paper with a red guitar) like this! (we see the guitar)

Squidward: (angered) Heh! He obviously doesn’t know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!

Zeus: (his phone number appears: 1-32G-LORD) So here’s my number if you want to talk about... (his phone rings) Hello?

Squidward: Where is my Fab and Fancy?!

Zeus: Your...what?

Squidward: I’m quite certain, you wouldn’t know culture if it bit you on the guitar!

Zeus: Uh...um...I don’t have a guitar.

Squidward: Do they give a show to just anybody over there?!

Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.

Squidward: (surprised) Really?

Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know...whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.

Squidward: It’s that easy?! (hangs up the phone and dials a number) Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? (excitedly) Gimme a TV show! Gimme a TV show! I want a show! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab later) C'mon! Just a few more minutes, Squiddy, and it’ll be your turn to bask in the limelight! (laughs)

SpongeBob: OHHH yeah! Limelight basking! Basking in the limelight! (laughs) Oh good times. Good, good times. (turns to Squidward who has an angry look on his face) So where will said basking take place?

Squidward: (angrily) Like I would tell you! Hmph! (thinking) (echoing) Although... I've waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone’s face. Anyone’s face. (sees SpongeBob wink) Even that face. Okay! I’ll tell you, but the last thing I would want is for you to show up. So plug your ears! (shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob’s ears) Well, I don’t wanna toot my own whistle, but...wait no! That’s exactly what I mean to do! (SpongeBob just hears mumbling and laughing. Clock rings) OH! (rushes off)

SpongeBob: Say it again, Squidward? (Squidward laughs as he runs to his home. The "Bikini Bottom Public Access Presents" card from earlier, music and all, appears, but this time it fills the screen)

News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents... (cut to a purple card with Squidward on it. Next to him is a red-orange-ish speech bubble with the teal-ish words "SQUiDWARD CHAT" on it. A jazzy tune plays throughout) Squidward Chat with your host, Squidward Tentacles. (cut to Squidward sitting at a table, supposed to serve as a desk, in his house. His couch, serving as a bench, is placed to the left)

Squidward: Greetings. I’m Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat. (cut to Gary seen watching TV. He clicks the remote) Today on Squidward Chat, we’ll be discussing something near and dear to my heart: (SpongeBob, holding a laundry basket, walks in and sees Squidward on TV) underappreciated artists... (points to himself) ...like myself.

SpongeBob: Squidward’s on TV? (throws his laundry basket in the air; it lands on Gary. Rushes to Squidward’s house) Squidward! Squidward! (rushes into house, but goes back out, knocks and goes inside) Squidward! You’re on TV! (Squidward frowns) No really, Squidward! Come look!

Squidward: I know I’m on TV! See the camera?! (cut to a television camera. Cut back to Squidward and SpongeBob) You’re on TV too! (SpongeBob smiles)

SpongeBob: TV? (leaves happily)

Squidward: Moron. As I was saying...today on Squidward Chat, we’ll be discussing-- (is interrupted by Patrick)

Patrick: Wow! (SpongeBob enters with Patrick)

SpongeBob: So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV, and he told me that I was on TV. And now you're on TV!

Patrick: I’m on TV?! (rushes back to his house. Turns on the TV and sits down. On the television, Squidward is at his desk, with SpongeBob sitting in the couch next to him)

Squidward: (glaring) This isn’t happening!

Patrick: I’m not on TV? (rushes back into Squidward’s house) SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn’t on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?

Squidward: (annoyingly) Patrick...just how dumb are you?

Patrick: It varies?

Squidward: If you want to be on TV...you have to be in front of the camera! (the TV camera appears again)

Patrick: OHHHH...I get it! (laughs as he rushes to the camera) Hi TV people! (shows his mouth to the camera) My mouth is on TV! (a live-action mouth is seen on a television set)

Grandma: This is disgusting!

Patrick: (licks the camera and bites it) SpongeBob! You gotta try this! (they play with the camera)

Squidward: PATRICK! SPONGEBOB! Get off my camera! (takes them off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him) Would you get out of here?!

Patrick: Doubt it! (Squidward facepalms)

Squidward: If you like the camera so much... why don’t you be the cameraman?!

Patrick: Cameraman?

Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures!

Patrick: Alright!

SpongeBob: Woo! Woo! Oh! Oh! Oh, let me do something too please?!

Squidward: Fine! You can be the soundman! (hands SpongeBob a boom microphone)

SpongeBob: (amazed) Soundman!

Squidward: Imbeciles. (clears throat) Today, we’re going to be talking about... (he’s not on-camera) Why isn’t the camera on me?! (Patrick moves it around to a picture frame with a saddened squid on it) NO! I am the one talking! (Patrick moves it to a picture with a squid clown on it. Then he moves it to a door jamb. He growls. Goes in front of the camera) I'M RIGHT HERE, AHEM! Today on Squidward Chat, we’ll be discussing the underappreciated arts. Patrick, I’m down here! (Patrick lowers camera) As I was saying... Today we’ll be-- (Patrick repeatedly lifts the camera up and down) Today-- (Patrick continues to lift the camera. Growls)

Patrick: Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! (Squidward growls, and walks up and ties Patrick to the camera before walking back to his desk)

Squidward: Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous-- (SpongeBob lowers the boom microphone into the scene and places it in Squidward’s mouth) Sponge-- (gets whacked by the boom microphone. Growls)

SpongeBob: It’s heavy! (Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob) Thanks! But it itches. (cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV)

Patrick: I gotta go potty!

Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?

Squidward: (on TV) Well, you’ll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... (Mr. Krabs holds a sign reading "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera)

Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab! Home to the original Krabby Patty! And remember: We change our grease monthly!

Squidward: OUTTTT! (pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief)

Mr. Krabs: (dances with sign) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don’t want just you! We want your money too-o-o! (cut to Sandy seeing the show)

Sandy: Whee doggy! I can line-dance better than that! (goes in front of the camera and dances) Yeeee-hawww!

Pearl: Daddy! I’m borrowing your wallet! (sees TV) Line dancing? EWWWW! That is so lame! (gets out two pink pom-poms) What they need is my way cool cheer routine! (cut to Squidward Chat. Falls onto Squidward’s desk, breaking it in half) Give me a K! (cut to Plankton at the Chum Bucket)

Plankton: Uh, please. I can cause more and more collateral damage than that. Karen? Where’d you put my death ray?!

Pearl: (her and Sandy are dancing with Squidward frowning) Go, team, go! Go, team, go! (Plankton laughs and cocks his death ray and fires around the house)

Patrick: (laughs) My shorts are wet!

Pearl: Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! (Plankton fires at Mr. Krabs)

Plankton: Hehe! Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! (laughs. Mr. Krabs kicks him away)

Mr. Krabs: Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!

Squidward: (sadly) NOOO! My show! (sniffles)

SpongeBob: (pats his back) You seem tense! (Squidward growls and pushes SpongeBob away)

Squidward: Cut that out! That’s it! (throws his desk off the scene) Everyone OUUUTTT!! What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!

Larry the Lobster: Did somebody say housewarming? Hey everyone! It’s a housewarming! (citizens come into Squidward’s house)

Squidward: Get off of my set! This is not working! (a limousine pulls up and a man comes in)

Producer: Actually, I say the show is doing just fine. At least according to our latest ratings. (pulls out a bag of money. Laughs and coughs, then clears throat) This is actually a lot by public access standings. Everyone is working out except for... (points to a lady) you, (points to a child) you, (points to a man) you, (points to Squidward) ...and you!

Squidward: Me?! (gets kicked out. Bubble-wipe to that night. Squidward is in bed watching TV. We hear party blowers and music throughout)

News announcer: And now the Bikini Bottom’s top public access show for the last 20 weeks... (a cyan-ish bamboo background appears. On it, the purple-ish word "Squidward’s" appears, slanted to the right. The red word "HOUSE" appears on a thick yellow bar. Finally, a thin red bar with the yellow word "PARTY" appears. Each word appears when they are said) Squidward’s House Party with your host... (the title card explodes and The Guitar Lord title card, alongside a shortened version of that show’s theme music, plays) Zeus the Guitar Lord!

Zeus: Hey, hey, hey Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to party Squidward style? (people cheer while Squidward frowns) Thank you for making us #1 because I was finally able to get... (holds up the red guitar from earlier) ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! (Squidward growls) LET'S PARRRTY!! (plays the guitar and people begin making music so loud, Plankton shoots his death ray, Mr. Krabs swings with his sign, and Sandy and Pearl dance. SpongeBob plays a synthesizer and Patrick plays another guitar loudly. Squidward is shocked)

Squidward: (bangs his broom on floor) Keep it down! I’m trying to sleep! ARRRRRGH!!! (people keep partying ending the episode)