Episode Transcript: Kracked Krabs

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The Curse of Bikini Bottom

Episode Article: Kracked Krabs

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(episode begins at Krusty Krab)

Squidward: SpongeBob, one extra large order of sea fries.

SpongeBob: Aaaaaaannnndddd...

Squidward: Please.

SpongeBob: Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Squidward: Yes. Yes it was.

SpongeBob: (snaps finger) One large sea fries coming up! (walks to pick up a bag full of sea taters. Pours them into his holes then walks back. Strains himself and the fries comes out of him and into the fryer. A bonk in the head gets one more out. Fryer gives a "ding" sound) Eeeeeee! (picks up fries and places them on the container. Gives them to Squidward)

Squidward: One large sea fries. Extra weird.

Mr. Krabs: (a megaphone appears) SPOOOOONGEBOOOOOOB!!! (SpongeBob's facial parts fall out) Report to me office. (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs's office) Now listen up, son. I called ye here on the official Krusty Krab business. Every year, me fellow cheapskate krabs meet and discuss new ways of being stinky in the workplace. But more than that, they bestow the award for Cheapest Krab. And this year, (holds up paper) I've been nominated!

SpongeBob: (reads paper; gibberish) ...Krabs... (gibberish) ...nominated... (gibberish) ...award...award?

Mr. Krabs: So I'll be outta town for the awards ceremony. And yer coming with me.

SpongeBob: Rooooooaaaaaddddd... trip! (they exit the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: Now, this trip... I'm gonna teach ye all the cheapskate knowledge like you were the son I've never wanted!

SpongeBob: Ooh! Can I call you Daddy?

Mr. Krabs: No.

SpongeBob: Pa?

Mr. Krabs: No.

SpongeBob: Pops?

Mr. Krabs: No.

SpongeBob: Papa?

Mr. Krabs: No.

SpongeBob: My own man?

Mr. Krabs: No.

SpongeBob: Daddy-kins?

Mr. Krabs: Maybe.

SpongeBob: Krabby Joe?

Mr. Krabs: (slaps his head) Ooh! No! Now, this'll be a great learning experience for you, so keep yer brain peeled!

SpongeBob: (peels his head off, revealing his brain) Can do, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: And in the tradition of the event, we are required to travel cheaply, and I'm gonna teach ya the cheapest way to do it! (bubble-wipe to a hotel where all the cheapskates are meeting. An mailfish drops a heavy envelope on the front desk. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob come out) Attention cheapskate attendees! I, Eugene Krabs, have only spent on me travel, the price of a one-cent stamp! (the crabs start cheering) Thank you! Thank you! I'd like to see someone top that! (another crab comes out of a suitcase. Gasps) Fancy McGee?!

Fancy McGee: Thanks for letting me hitch your ride, Mr. Krabs! I didn't have to spend a penny on travel!

The Penny Pinchers: Oooh!

Krab: Snap! (snaps his finger)

Fancy McGee: (to SpongeBob) Better wish him luck, kid. He'll need it. (leaves)

SpongeBob: Good luck, Mr. Krabs- (Mr. Krabs grabs his mouth)

Mr. Krabs: Come on. (leaves. Bubble-wipe to a hotel room door. An employee carries their bags to their hotel room)

Employee: Your room, sir. (holds out hand)

Mr. Krabs: You see that, laddie? That outstretched hand is one of the biggest dangers to becoming a true cheapskate: (whispers) He wants a tip.

SpongeBob: (whispers) What's a tip?

Mr. Krabs: It means he wants money for nothing. (pulls out a quarter with a string attached to it) So watch closely. (Drops it on employee's hand) There ye are, lad.

Employee: Wow. A quarter. You sir are a real cheapskate.

Mr. Krabs: Why, thank you! (employee walks away) Now watch closely, boy! You give it a little lean, and then... snatch it back! (pulls on string. The quarter flies away from the employee's hand)

Employee: Oh. Like I haven't seen that gag ten times today. (quarter flies back to Mr. Krabs's hand, who laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Go ahead! Give it a try!

SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir! (pulls out another quarter) Here you are, sonny! A nice, shiny... (turns to see another employee, who is very big and ugly) ...quarter. (gives it to the big employee, who grapples tightly onto the quarter, then leaves)

Mr. Krabs: Go on boy! The quarter's getting away! (SpongeBob pulls the string, but lures the big employee back to him, and squashes him. The big employee gets up, and he is stuck to his buttocks) Quit foolin' around! I got an award to win! (pulls SpongeBob out and leaves)

SpongeBob: My quarter! (the big employee leaves with the quarter stuck to his butt. They walk into a room full of cheapskate crabs who are chatting)

Mr. Krabs:' Hi, fellers! (laughs, the crowd laughs, and SpongeBob attempts to laugh like them)

Krab #2: Ye still know the cheapskate handshake?

Mr. Krabs: Of course. (they start the handshake)

Both: Penny pinchin', penny pinchin'. (they pinch each others' butts, then act like chickens) Cheep cheep cheep! (they peck the ground, then sigh)

Mr. Krabs: I'd like to introduce me fellow fry cook, SpongeBob. I've been giving some pointers.

Krab #2: Ah! Training in the cheapskate arts, eh? Yer learning from the master, kiddo!

SpongeBob: I cook Krabby Patties.

Krab #2: Yes. Sure you do. Later, Krocs!

Mr. Krabs: Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money. (sees SpongeBob lending money to a crab)

SpongeBob: Twenty five, twenty six- (they both see Mr. Krabs. The crab then walks away with the cash)

Mr. Krabs: Let's mangle.

Judge: Attention penny pinchers! (pinches his claw. Penny Pinchers are confused, then pinch their claws. They laugh)

Penny Pincher: Penny pinchers!

Judge: It's time to award the trophy... (pulls out a golden trophy) ...for this year's Cheapest Krab! (the golden trophy shows a claw pinching a penny. The Penny Pinchers are sitting in chairs. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob sit down to watch a video) And the nominees are: Eugene Krabs! In: "Sign of the Times!" (the video shows Mr. Krabs putting out a "Free Krabby Patties" sign. Audience gasps. Customers come to Krusty Krab. Another sign is put out)

Customer: Huh?

Customer #2: "A dollar per footstep?"

Customer #3: I can't afford that! (the customers are confused)

Harold: How do I get out of here? (he, along with others, struggle not to walk too much. Mr. Krabs laughs. Applause)

Mr. Krabs: Thank you, thank you!

Judge: Next up is Huford BargainBottom in: "Convenience Store Caper!" (video shows a man walking to Huford, the cashier, with a bag of chips. Huford scans it three times)

Man: Uh, you charged me three times.

Huford: Yeah. Three times the flavor, three times the price! (applause)

Judge: And Endwight Keywad in: "Tying Up New Stems!" (video shows Endwight tying used toilet paper to a roll of new toilet paper. Applause)

Mr. Krabs: Uh, geez. I didn't think the competition would be so stiff this year! (to SpongeBob) I'm gonna need your help on this one! (runs to whisper something to the judge)

Judge: Well, that's highly unconventional, but okay. We will now hear a testimony from a Krusty Krab employee! (Mr. Krabs gets SpongeBob)

Mr. Krabs: I need ya to testify about how cheap I am! So if you need to do a little exaggeratin'... (his eyelids move twice. SpongeBob winks. Winks four times. SpongeBob winks. Two eyelids and a wink. Wink) Ye not getting it, are ye? (SpongeBob nods "no") Exaggeratin' is like tellin' the truth, only with little lies sprinkled in to make it, uh... true...er.

SpongeBob: (gasps) You're teaching me to lie?! Lying is wrong, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: No, no, no, no ,no, no, exaggerating's completely different from lyin'. You're taking the truth, and just seasoning it with little lies. I mean, just because you put salt on a Krabby Patty... it doesn't make it a salty patty. Does it?

SpongeBob: No. (gets pushed onto the stage)

Mr. Krabs: Well, good enough. Just make sure you exaggerate enough fer me to win! (throws SpongeBob to the microphone)

SpongeBob: (speaks through mic) Um, uh, ugh, uh... Mr. Krabs has always been very, uh... very...very grad.

Mr. Krabs: (slaps himself) Exaggerate!

SpongeBob: Blue!

Mr. Krabs: No! About me being cheap!

SpongeBob: Uh, Mr. Krabs is... a very generous pointer. (the audience gasps, including Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: No, no, no, no, exaggerate the other way!

SpongeBob: Um, he's not doing it for the money. He is doing it for his loyal employees. (the crabs talk to each other about this) Vacation time, regular raises, profit sharing. To Mr. Krabs, he's such a little gift that he's to glad to give us, so that he can see the looks on our faces when he hands us our paychecks. (Mr. Krabs faints)

Judge: We've heard enough. (pushes SpongeBob away. Points to Mr. Krabs on the floor) Disqualified! (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs' hotel room. Mr. Krabs is packing up, but also sobbing into his suitcase)

SpongeBob: Uh, Mr. Krabs, you left some bitter tears on the night vent.

Mr. Krabs: (sniffs) Thanks. (puts tears in suitcase)

SpongeBob: Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. You may have not won the award, but you taught this sponge a lot about stinginess. Ooh! I almost forgot to pack these hotel toiletries! (puts them away) And let's not forget these hotel towels! (puts them away)

Mr. Krabs: But...but isn't that stealing?

SpongeBob: Stealing? Phhhht! We're exaggerating!

Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Well, could we "exaggerate" this pillow, too?

SpongeBob: Well, only if you help me "exaggerate" this air conditioner!

Mr. Krabs: Sure, boy! But why not "exaggerate" the whole wall? (they laugh, then start taking the room and its walls apart. They exit with their huge suitcases full of parts of the room) Well, I didn't win the award, but it's been nice exaggeratin' with you, boy. (they laugh again. Cut to lobby)

Employee: Do you have any hotel property in this bag?

Judge: Preposterous! This is all mine! (pats his suitcase, which opens and reveals hotel property. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob pull their bags in)

Mr. Krabs: Heh heh heh. Looks like he bit off more than he could chew. (the bags explode, revealing the hotel room like it was)

Judge: (gasps) You took the entire hotel room?

SpongeBob: Duh! (wags finger) Exaggerated! (the crabs give an applause)

Judge: That is the stingiest display I've ever seen. I declare you the new winner! (gives trophy to Mr. Krabs, who laughs) See ye next year! (exits, then pulls on a string. The trophy flies back to him, then he leaves)

Mr. Krabs: (doesn't care; to SpongeBob) Thanks for ruinin' everything so I could win! Put er there, SpongeBob me boy!

SpongeBob: Sure... (holds out hand. Mr. Krabs holds out his claw, but chops SpongeBob's hand off) Oops. (they laugh)

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