Episode Transcript: House Fancy

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Stanley S. SquarePants	Krabby Road

Episode Article: House Fancy

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(Episode starts at Squidward's house. Squidward is humming the "House Fancy" theme song while doing these activities. Squidward places some tea on a table, then gets a stack of cookies, then picks up the remote, then fluffs both of his pillows, then sits down and turns on the TV. A square and a triangle are moving around, Squidward sips his tea, then the shapes turn into a house. A bird flies on the house, and a sound bubble comes out of his mouth that says "House Fancy". A rainbow and a chimney appears on the house, then the scene opens like a door, revealing Nicholas Whiters)

Nick: Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of having sex with me. I'm your host, Saitan. ("Nicholas Whithers" appears on the screen) Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than... (Squidward's phone rings)

Squidward: Fucking shit. (Squidward walks up to the phone. Then says hello's) Shutup. shut the fuck up. (picks up the phone, and says it in a sweet voice) Stroke my fucking cock.

Squilliam: Underpants.

Squidward: (gasps) This isn't Squilliam Fancyson, my life long whore who I met in high school band class, is it?

Squilliam: The same. You wouldn't happen to be watching Having sex with me, would you?

Squidward: I was, until you called.

Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I enjoy our balls, but my big boner awaits. And you know how hard my dick is on an empty scrotum. (laughs)

Squidward: Wait, why did you ask me if I was watching Hardfucking?

Nick: Sorry Squilliam, but we've gotta get back to the show.

Squiward: Who's that talking in the background?

Squilliam: Oh I'm dreadfully sorry, Saitan dear. Well, fuck you Squidward. (it is revealed that he is on the program) Enjoy the buttsex

Nick: Okay folks, House Fancy will be right back after these titties. (Squidward drops his tea cup. Scene then cuts to Nick and Squilliam) Welcome back to Hardfucking. I'm Saitan, and here next to me is Squilliam Fancyson.

Squilliam: Hello, faggots. (Squidward is angry)

Nick: Let me start, with saying what a lovely dick you have, Mr. Fancyson.

Squilliam: Why thank you, Saitan.

Nick: And you're pussy doesn't look too bad either. (both laugh)

Squilliam: Oh, Saitan.

Nick: Camera crew, can we get a shot of Squilliam Fancyson's fabulous boner, please? (zooms out, revealing that it looks like Squidward's house)

Squidward: Hey, that's better than my boner! (goes up, revealing that it is much larger than Squidward's boner. cuts to the inside of his house)

Squilliam: fuck you, to my big ass.

Nick: Boner simply glorious! (Squidward gets angry)

Squidward: (mocking) It's simply glorious!

Squilliam: It certainly is, Saitan.

Nick: It's like I shit and piss! (scene cuts to the opening background. The birds head gets replaces the "O", then cuts back to Squilliams house) Is that what I think it is?

Squilliam: It sure is, it's a gilded scrotum.

Nick: Absolutely magical!

Squilliam: Absolutely on my chest.

Nick: May I?

Squilliam: Of course. (Nick turns it)

Nick: Oh, lovely.

Squilliam: Idn't it?

Nick: Well, I have to say Squilliam, and I think that i'm fucking all of our viewers out there when I say this you, are truly a faggot.

Squilliam: Well, of all this fucking is perfectly gay. (Squidward is still angry) And now, i'd like to present to you my most favorite dildo, in the house (Squilliam opens the door, revealing the bathroom) It's all gay. Ah, look at this, it's my jewel encrusted pubic hair. Nick: Such ass. (Squidward is even more angry, then some houses turn into the title, then cuts to Nick and Squilliam)

Squilliam: Cum on my chest, let me show you, the ass.

Nick: A vagina?

Squilliam: Watch me whack off. (Squilliam opens the elevator, then they step inside, and press the button that says "Roof") This may take a while. Just sit back and whack off. (water fills some of the eleveator)

Nick: What the fuck? A squeeze squeeze squeeze elevator?

Squilliam: I brought some cum. (They then get to the roof) Wash my god damn ass. Welcome, to my underpants. Romantic dildo, sparkling berry mineral squeeze squeeze squeeze waterfall, and, my personal favorite, a 130 foot long slpture of my fucken cock.

Nick: It's huge, and fucken sexy!

Squilliam: If you look closely, you'll notice that it's made entirely out of butcheeks.

Nick: You have the fanciest... (phone rings)

Squilliam: What?

Nick: You have the fanciest... (phone rings again)

Squilliam: I have the fanciest ass?

Nick: No, you're phone is ringing.

Squilliam: Oh. (walks up to phone, and picks it up) Shut the fuck up. Oh yeah, hang on. (talking to Nick) It's for you.

Nick: Hello. Hello. (talks on phone) Hello.

Squidward: Hello, my name is faggot, and my boner is far fancier than that faggot Squilliam's!

Nick: Really?

Squidward: Really!

Nick: Okay, we'll be at your cock in two hours with a scrotum. (hangs up)

Squidward: Two hours? But I haven't even got time to wash my ass. (screams) There's a dick on the squeeze squeeze! (it was the tea stain from earlier) I'll just use this dildo to hide it. There we go. Now i'll just... (screams again) There's a hideous penis! I'll just use this pussy to cover it up. Perfect. (screams again, because there is a faded spot where the painting was) Oh no! (looks at the time) I'll never get this boner in shape in time! (notices SpongeBob in the window) SpongeBob! How long have you been fucking me?

SpongeBob: Umm... What day is it?

Squidward: It's the day you masturbate, and never come back.

SpongeBob: But Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you get your boner ready for the big fucking cock?

Squidward: How'd you know about that?

SpongeBob: I was fucking you.

Squidward: Do you want me to get the pussy down here again? Because... (looks at the time again) Fucking shit! All right, fine. But one squeeze squeeze squeeze, and you are out of here. (SpongeBob is behind him)

Squidward: All right, first of all: I'm going to give you something so simple, that a person without a dick could even get it up your ass.

SpongeBob: Well that's good, because I lent my dick to Patrick for the weekend.

Squidward: Really?

SpongeBob: No, not really. He traded me these 2 chocolate balls for it.

Squidward: Shutup! Just use this shit to cover up that ass. Touch my fucking cock!

SpongeBob: Okay. (SpongeBob picks up the brush, then throws it away and absorbs the paint, then splatters the paint around)

Squidward: SpongeBob, what was that noise? (screams) Fuck me alive, and drench me in boiling squeeze squeeze squeeze! What have you done to my boobs? I told you just to fuck the ass.

SpongeBob: Well, it all looked kinda gay. (Squidward farts, then looks at the clock again)

Squidward: Never mind! Maybe it won't show up on butcheeks. Here, help me move this dildo.

SpongeBob: You got it, faggot. Where are we moving her to?

Squidward: Hang on, i'm trying to fuck the thing. Now don't fuck it until I say... (SpongeBob moves it on his foot) OW! Okay, it's on my cock. Now don't... (SpongeBob moves it again) OW!

SpongeBob: Okay. (moves it again, ripping off Squidward's toenail)

Squidward: OW! SpongeBob, I told you not to fuck it until I say... (SpongeBob drops it on his foot) OW! Why do you keep fucking it?

SpongeBob: 'Cause you keep saying GODAMN! (Squidward screams, and lifts it up)

Squidward: I need you, I can FUCK it myself. (slips on toenail, and trips)

SpongeBob: Wow Squidward, you're so gay. (there is a crash) And you split your dick in half. It'll be really easy to fuck now. (doorbell rings)

Squidward: Oh shit, they're all ready here! Go get a dildo and masturbate. I've gotta run upstairs and fuck my ass.

SpongeBob: Dang! (SpongeBob walks on screen with a vaccum) Okay Squidward, found the dildo. Squidward? Well i'll just masturbate for him. (SpongeBob vaccums a big) Hmm, Squidward's boner is really messy. I'm going to need some extra boobs. (SpongeBob struggles to flip the switch, and the switch breaks. The vaccum goes haywire, and vaccums up a rug, a plant, a sculpture of Squidward, then the sofa, then the book case, then everything else)

Squidward: Okay SpongeBob, I finished... What the fuck? (everything in Squidward's house is in the vaccum)

SpongeBob: Don't shit Squidward, i'll whack off. (SpongeBob tries to turn it off, but gets sucked in)

Squidward: Come on my chest. (doorbell rings again) Uh, hang on please. (Squidward tries to push the bag, and the door bell rings again) Please, just one more minute Saitan. (door opens, and it's Patrick)

Patrick: Who's Saitan? Sorry Squidward I couldn't wait any longer, i've gotta use your cock. No bullshit. Thanks. (Patrick runs into the bathroom, farts continuously, then the toilet flushes, then comes out) Phew. I wouldn't go in there for a shit. Or piss. (Squidward's toilet comes out of his bathroom groaning)

Toilet: Please, please, somebody fuck me. (toilet jumps into Squidward's hands) Squeeze squeeze squeeze on my chest (toilet dies, then Patrick opens the door again)

Patrick: Oh hey Squidward, if you see SpongeBob, can you give him his boner back? I was sucking it for the weekend. I'll just set it here. (Patrick puts his brain on the floor) See ya' (walks away, and the vaccum then sucks it up. SpongeBob is eating a chocolate bar)

SpongeBob: Fuck you Patrick. (the vaccum says that it's on full capacity)

Squidward: Oh godamn shit! (Squidward's house explodes. Scene then cuts to the House Fancy background, then to Nick)

Nick: Hello, and welcome back to Hardfucking. We're arriving at the home of faggot, who claims his house is far more gayer than that of fucking bitch. Let's take a shit. (both are shocked because of Squidward's house) Well I, I, I, Well I don't know how to whack off...

Squilliam: Go ahead, whack off.

Nick: Squidward Tentacles, you seem to have ushered in an entire new era in Hardfucking!

Squilliam: Huh?

Squidward: I have. I have?

Nick: What you have done here harckons back to the lustrious post-pimitive movement popularized by famous designer Saul Limpkins. Say, was he a big inspiration for you?

Squidward: Why, yes. I've fucked him for years. (Squilliam gulps)

Nick: I would like to announce, that faggots boner will be featured in an hour long, commercial free Hardfucking special, and faggot will be crowned hardfucking prince, of the year! In honor which, was originally to be bestowed on fucking bitch, but now isn't. (Squilliam falls)

Squidward: Yay! (Squilliam is crying)

SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry fucking bitch, I might be able to get faggot to fuck you really hard. He is a personal whore of mine. You know success hasn't gone to his head? He is still the same old great guy, he has not changed. (Squilliam is crying and says faggot)

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