Episode Transcript: House Fancy

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Episode Article: House Fancy

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Dialogue

(Episode starts at Squidward's house. Squidward is humming the "House Fancy" theme song while doing these activities. Squidward places some tea on a table, then gets a stack of cookies, then picks up the remote, then fluffs both of his pillows, then sits down and turns on the TV. A square and a triangle are moving around, Squidward sips his tea, then the shapes turn into a house. A bird flies on the house, and a sound bubble comes out of his mouth that says "House Fancy". A rainbow and a chimney appears on the house, then the scene opens like a door, revealing Nicholas Whiters)

Nick: Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of House Fancy. I'm your host, Nicholas Whithers. ("Nicholas Whithers" appears on the screen) Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than... (Squidward's phone rings)

Squidward: Oh. (Squidward walks up to the phone. Then says hello's) Hello. Hello. (picks up the phone, and says it in a sweet voice) Hello.

Squilliam: Hello.

Squidward: (gasps) This isn't Squilliam Fancyson, my life long rival who I met in high school band class, is it?

Squilliam: The same. You wouldn't happen to be watching House Fancy, would you?

Squidward: I was, until you called.

Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I enjoy our chat, but my catered lunch awaits. And you know how hard being fabulous is on an empty stoumach. (laughs)

Squidward: Wait, why did you ask me if I was watching House Fancy?

Nick: Sorry Squilliam, but we've gotta get back to the show.

Squiward: Who's that talking in the background?

Squilliam: Oh I'm dreadfully sorry, Nicki dear. Well, tooteloo Squidward. (it is revealed that he is on the program) Enjoy the program

Nick: Okay folks, House Fancy will be right back after these important messages. (Squidward drops his tea cup. Scene then cuts to Nick and Squilliam) Welcome back to House Fancy. I'm Nicholas Whithers, and here next to me is Squilliam Fancyson.

Squilliam: Hello, peasants. (Squidward is angry)

Nick: Let me start, with saying what a lovely facade you have, Mr. Fancyson.

Squilliam: Why thank you, Nick.

Nick: And you're house doesn't look too bad either. (both laugh)

Squilliam: Oh, Nicky.

Nick: Camera crew, can we get a shot of Squilliam Fancyson's fabulous house, please? (zooms out, revealing that it looks like Squidward's house)

Squidward: Hey, that's no better than my house! (goes up, revealing that it is much larger than Squidward's house. cuts to the inside of his house)

Squilliam: I give you welcome, to my foyer.

Nick: It's simply glorious! (Squidward gets angry)

Squidward: (mocking) It's simply glorious!

Squilliam: It certainly is, Nicky.

Nick: It's like I've died and gone to fancy heaven! (scene cuts to the opening background. The birds head gets replaces the "O", then cuts back to Squilliams house) Is that what I think it is?

Squilliam: It sure is, it's a gilded door knob.

Nick: Absolutely magical!

Squilliam: Absolutely imported.

Nick: May I?

Squilliam: Of course. (Nick turns it)

Nick: Oh, lovely.

Squilliam: Idn't it?

Nick: Well, I have to say Squilliam, and I think that i'm speaking for all of our viewers out there when I say this you, are truly a fancy man.

Squilliam: Well, of all this gushing perfectly deserved. (Squidward is still angry) And now, i'd like to present to you my most favorite room, in the house (Squilliam opens the door, revealing the bathroom) It's all custom. Ah, look at this, it's my jewel encrusted toilet paper holder.

Nick: Such amazing class. (Squidward is even more angry, then some houses turn into the title, then cuts to Nick and Squilliam)

Squilliam: Come, let me show you, the roof.

Nick: An elevator?

Squilliam: Watch your step. (Squilliam opens the elevator, then they step inside, and press the button that says "Roof") This may take a while. Just sit back and relax. (water fills some of the eleveator)

Nick: What the? A whirl pool bath elevator?

Squilliam: I brought some soap. (They then get to the roof) All ashore. Welcome, to my roof top garden. Romantic grotto, sparkling berry mineral soda waterfall, and, my personal favorite, a 130 foot long sculpture of my unibrow.

Nick: It's huge, and lifelike!

Squilliam: If you look closely, you'll notice that it's made entirely out of gilded door knobs.

Nick: You have the fanciest... (phone rings)

Squilliam: What?

Nick: You have the fanciest... (phone rings again)

Squilliam: I have the fanciest ring?

Nick: No, you're phone is ringing.

Squilliam: Oh. (walks up to phone, and picks it up) Hello. Oh yeah, hang on. (talking to Nick) It's for you.

Nick: Hello. Hello. (talks on phone) Hello.

Squidward: Hello, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and my house is far fancier than that slob Squilliam's!

Nick: Really?

Squidward: Really!

Nick: Okay, we'll be at your house in two hours with a camera crew. (hangs up)

Squidward: Two hours? But I haven't even got time to wash my hair. (screams) There's a stain on the rug! (it was the tea stain from earlier) I'll just use this chair to hide it. There we go. Now i'll just... (screams again) There's a hideous hole in the wall! I'll just use this painting to cover it up. Perfect. (screams again, because there is a faded spot where the painting was) Oh no! (looks at the time) I'll never get this place in shape in time! (notices SpongeBob in the window) SpongeBob! How long have you been spying on me?

SpongeBob: Umm... What day is it?

Squidward: It's the day you go away, and never come back.

SpongeBob: But Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you get your house ready for the big TV show?

Squidward: How'd you know about that?

SpongeBob: I was spying on you.

Squidward: Do you want me to get the cops down here again? Because... (looks at the time again, then sighs) All right, fine. But one slip up, and you are out of here. Comprender? (SpongeBob is behind him)

SpongeBob: ¡Mucho comprendo, Señor Habanero! (Cuts to later)

Squidward: All right, first of all: I'm going to give you something so simple, that a person without a brain could even get it done right.

SpongeBob: Well that's good, because I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.

Squidward: Really?

SpongeBob: No, not really. He traded me these 2 chocolate bars for it.

Squidward: I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't do anything else!

SpongeBob: Okay. (SpongeBob picks up the brush, then throws it away and absorbs the paint, then splatters the paint around)

Squidward: SpongeBob, what was that noise? (screams) Skin me alive, and drench me in boiling oil! What have you done to my living room? I told you just to paint the faded spot.

SpongeBob: Well, it all looked kinda faded. (Squidward growls, then looks at the clock again)

Squidward: Never mind! Maybe it won't show up on camera. Here, help me move this sofa.

SpongeBob: You got it, Squiddy. Where are we moving her to?

Squidward: Hang on, i'm trying to get the grip on the thing. Now don't move it until I say... (SpongeBob moves it on his foot) OW! Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't... (SpongeBob moves it again) OW!

SpongeBob: Okay. (moves it again, ripping off Squidward's toenail)

Squidward: OW! SpongeBob, I told you not to move it until I say... (SpongeBob drops it on his foot) OW! Why do you keep moving it?

SpongeBob: 'Cause you keep saying OW! (Squidward screams, and lifts it up)

Squidward: I don't need you, I can move it myself. (slips on toenail, and trips)

SpongeBob: Wow Squidward, you're so strong. (there is a crash) And you split your sofa in half. It'll be really easy to move now. (doorbell rings)

Squidward: Oh no, they're all ready here! Go get a vaccum and clean up all the sofa bits. I've gotta run upstairs and dress my wound

SpongeBob: Roger! (SpongeBob walks on screen with a vaccum) Okay Squidward, found the vaccum. Squidward? Well i'll just vacumm for him. (SpongeBob vaccums a big) Hmm, Squidward's house is really messy. I'm going to need some extra power. (SpongeBob struggles to flip the switch, and the switch breaks. The vaccum goes haywire, and vaccums up a rug, a plant, a sculpture of Squidward, then the sofa, then the book case, then everything else)

Squidward: Okay SpongeBob, I finished... What the? (everything in Squidward's house is in the vaccum)

SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward, i'll turn it off. (SpongeBob tries to turn it off, but gets sucked in)

Squidward: Come out of there. (doorbell rings again) Uh, hang on please. (Squidward tries to push the bag, and the door bell rings again) Please, just one more minute Nick. (door opens, and it's Patrick)

Patrick: Who's Nick? Sorry Squidward I couldn't wait any longer, i've gotta use your toilet. No questions. Thanks. (Patrick runs into the bathroom, struggles, then the toilet flushes, then comes out) Phew. I wouldn't go in there for a couple days. Or weeks. (Squidward's toilet comes out of his bathroom groaning)

Toilet: Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery. (toilet jumps into Squidward's hands) Have mercy on my soul. (toilet dies, then Patrick opens the door again)

Patrick: Oh hey Squidward, if you see SpongeBob, can you give him his brain back? I was borrowing it for the weekend. I'll just set it here. (Patrick puts his brain on the floor) See ya' (walks away, and the vaccum then sucks it up. SpongeBob is eating a chocolate bar)

SpongeBob: Thank you Patrick. (the vaccum says that it's on full capacity)

Squidward: Oh no! (Squidward's house explodes. Scene then cuts to the House Fancy background, then to Nick)

Nick: Hello, and welcome back to House Fancy. We're arriving at the home of Mr. Squidward Tentacles, who claims his house is far more fancier than that of Squilliam Fancyson. Let's take a look. (both are shocked because of Squidward's house) Well I, I, I, Well I don't know how to say this...

Squilliam: Go ahead, say it.

Nick: Squidward Tentacles, you seem to have ushered in an entire new era in House Fancyness!

Squilliam: Huh?

Squidward: I have. I have?

Nick: What you have done here harckons back to the lustrious post-pimitive movement popularized by famous designer Saul Limpkins. Say, was he a big inspiration for you?

Squidward: Why, yes. I've studied him for years. (Squilliam gulps)

Nick: I would like to announce, that Squidward's house will be featured in an hour long, commercial free House Fancy special, and Squidward will be crowned House Fancy prince, of the year! An honor which, was originally to be bestowed on Squilliam, but now isn't. (Squilliam falls)

Squidward: Yay!

SpongeBob talking and Squilliam crying: Oh, don't worry Squilliam, I might be able to get Squidward to help redecorate your house. He is a personal friend of mine. You know success hasn't gone to his head? He is still the same old great guy, he has not changed.

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