Episode Transcript: Tentacle-Vision

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Episode Article: Tentacle-Vision

Characters

Dialogue

(episode begins at Squidward's house. Squidward walks into his living room with a cup of coffee and sits down on his couch)

Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. (clicks remote. His television turns on, and we see a card with a hourglass and the words "Our programming will begin shortly." A short tune with ticking sounds plays)

News announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.

Squidward: No, no, no! Take your time. It's worth the wait. (a card reading "Bikini Bottom PUBLiC ACCESS PRESENTS" appears. The card is light blue with some white "waves." Two turquoise-ish rectangles surround "Bikini Bottom," while two light green rectangles surround "PUBLiC," two darker green rectangles surround "ACCESS" and two orange rectangles surround "PRESENTS," which is smaller than the rest of the text. The rectangles are almost-evenly sized to match the size of each word. Playing throughout the whole thing is a synthesized tune)

News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents... (Squidward claps his hands. A yellow card with what appears to be a classy podium is shown. The purple words "Fab and Fancy!" are shown in the center. Everything "sparkles." We hear a saxophone-lead theme throughout) Fab and Fancy. (we see snails with decorative shells slither. "Sparkling" stars that emerge from the right side of the screen wipe this out and reveal a "sparkly" red background. "EXOTiC PETS" slides in from the right and stops in the center, "sparkling" as well) Your source for the latest exotic pets... (we see jewel-encrusted mittens in display cases. This is wiped out in the same manner as before, but this time the resulting background is green and "COLLECTiBLE JEWEL-ENCRUSTED MiTTENS" slides in, also in the same manner as before) Collectible jewel-encrusted mittens... (we see a classy-looking doorbell. A fish touches it and the doorbell rings with a classical chime. "CLASSiCAL DOORBELLS" zooms in from the center, "sparkling" all the while, and stops when it's at a comfortable distance) And classical doorbell chimes...

Squidward: How sophisticating... (drinks coffee. The Fab and Fancy title card re-appears)

News announcer: ...has been canceled. ("CANCELED" zooms out and plasters itself to the Fab and Fancy title card. Squidward spits out steam)

Squidward: Oh yeah...I haven't made the coffee yet. (cut to a coffee machine. Camera zooms out to reveal Squidward) Why in the world would they cancel Fab and Fancy? (walks back to his living room) What could possibly be more enriching? (drinks his coffee again but then loud electric guitar music screeches. Squidward spits out coffee) Wha?! (on the TV, we see a tower of skulls. The camera pans up until it reaches the top of the tower. A fish, who looks like a rock musician, plays a electric guitar and gets set ablaze. The fire explodes and the words "The Guitar Lord" zoom in)

Zeus: Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I want a really killer one (pulls out a paper with a red guitar) Like this... (we see the guitar)

Squidward: (angered) Heh! He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!

Zeus: (his phone number appears: 0-800-2G-LORD) So here is my number if you want to talk about... (phone rings) Hello?

Squidward: Where is my Fab and Fancy?!

Zeus: Your...what?

Squidward: I quite know, you wouldn't know the first thing about culture if it hits you on a guitar!

Zeus: But actually... I don't have a guitar!

Squidward: Do they just give shows to just anyone over there?!

Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.

Squidward: (surprised) Really?

Zeus: I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know...whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.

Squidward: It's that easy?! (hangs up phone and dials a number) Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? (excitedly) Gimme a TV show! Gimme a TV show! I want a show! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab later) C'mon! In a few minutes, Squiddy, it's your turn to bask in the limelight! (laughs)

SpongeBob: OHHH yeah! Limelight basking! Basking in the limelight! (laughs) Oh good times. Good, good times. (turns to Squidward) So where will lead basking take place?

Squidward: (angrily) Like I would tell you! Hmph! (thinking) Although... I have waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face. Anyone's face. (sees SpongeBob wink) Even that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want you to do is to you to show up so plug your ears! (shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears) Well I don't want to toot my own whistle, but ...Oh wait! That is exactly what I mean to do! (SpongeBob just hears mumbling and laughing. Clock rings) OH! (rushes off)

SpongeBob: Say it again, Squidward? (Squidward laughs as he runs to his home. The "Bikini Bottom Public Access Presents" card from earlier, music and all, appears, but this time it fills the screen)

News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents... (cut to a purple card with Squidward on it. Next to him is a red-orange-ish speech bubble with the teal-ish words "SQUiDWARD CHAT" on it. A jazzy tune plays throughout) Squidward Chat with your host, Squidward Tentacles. (cut to Squidward sitting at a table in his house. His couch, serving as a bench, is placed to the left)

Squidward: Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat. (Gary is seen watching TV. He clicks the remote) Today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart: underappreciated artists like myself. (SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV)

SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV? (rushes to Squidward's house) Squidward! Squidward! (rushes into house, but goes back out, knocks and goes inside) Squidward! You're on TV! (Squidward frowns) No really, Squidward! Come look!

Squidward: I know I'm on TV! See the camera?! (we see a television camera) You're on TV too! (SpongeBob smiles)

SpongeBob: TV? (leaves happily)

Squidward: Moron! As I was saying...today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing--

Patrick: Wow! (SpongeBob enters with Patrick)

SpongeBob: So I went to tell Squidward that he was on TV, and he told me I was on TV and now you're on TV!

Patrick: I'm on TV?! (rushes back to his house. Turns on the TV and sits down. On the television, Squidward is at his desk, with SpongeBob sitting in the couch next to him)

Squidward: (glaring) This isn't happening!

Patrick: I'm not on TV? (rushes back into Squidward's house) SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?

Squidward: (annoyingly) Patrick...just how dumb are you?

Patrick: It varies?

Squidward: If you want to be on TV...you have to be in front of the camera! (we see the TV camera)

Patrick: OHHHH...I get it! (rushes to camera) Hi TV people! (shows his mouth to the camera) My mouth is on TV! (a live-action mouth is seen on a television set)

Grandma: This is disgusting!

Patrick: (licks camera and bites it) Hey SpongeBob! You gotta try this! (they play with the camera)

Squidward: PATRICK! SPONGEBOB! Get off my camera! (takes them off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him) Would you two get out of here?!

Patrick: Doubt it! (Squidward slaps his head)

Squidward: If you like the camera so much... why don't you be the cameraman?!

Patrick: Cameraman?

Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures!

Patrick: Okay!

SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Give me a job too, please!!!

Squidward: Fine! You can be the soundman! (hands SpongeBob a boom microphone)

SpongeBob: (amazed) Soundman!

Squidward: Imbiciles! (clears throat) Today, we're going to be talking about... Why isn't the camera on me?! (Patrick moves it around) NO! I am the one talking! (growls. Goes in front of the camera) I'M RIGHT HERE, AHEM! Today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing the underappreciated arts. Patrick, I'm down here! (Patrick lowers camera) As I was saying... Today we'll be-- (Patrick lifts the camera up and down) Today-- (Patrick continues to lift the camera. Growls)

Patrick: Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! (Squidward growls, and rushes up and ties Patrick to the camera)

Squidward: Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous-- (SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into scene and places it in Squidward's mouth) Sponge-- (boom microphone hits Squidward. Growls)

SpongeBob: It's heavy! (Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob) Thanks! But it iches. (cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV)

Patrick: I gotta go potty!

Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?

Squidward: Well, you are just going to have to hold it, Patrick! Now if there are no more interruptions... (Mr. Krabs holds a sign reading "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera)

Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab! Home to the original Krabby Patty! And remember! We change our grease monthly!

Squidward: OUTTTT! (pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief)

Mr. Krabs: (dances with sign) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! (cut to Sandy seeing the show)

Sandy: Whee doggy! I can line-dance better than that! (goes in front of camera and dances) Yeeee-hawww!

Pearl: Daddy! I am borrowing your wallet! (sees TV) Line dancing? EWWWW! That is so lame! What they need is my way cool cheer routine! (Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk) Give me a K! (cut to Plankton at the Chum Bucket)

Plankton: Oh please. I can cause more and more collateral damage than that! Karen? Where did you put my death ray?!

Pearl: Go, team, go! Go, team, go! (Plankton laughs and cocks his death ray and fires around the house)

Patrick: (laughs) My shorts are wet!

Pearl: Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! (Plankton fires at Mr. Krabs)

Plankton: Hehe! Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! (laughs. Mr. Krabs kicks him away)

Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!

Squidward: (sadly) NOOO! My show! (sniffles)

SpongeBob: (pats his back) You seem tense! (Squidward growls)

Squidward: Cut that out! That's it! Everyone OUUUTTT!! What do you think this is huh? Some kind of housewarming?!

Larry the Lobster: Did somebody say housewarming? Hey everyone! It's a housewarming! (citizens come into Squidward's house)

Squidward: Get off of my set! This is not working! (a limousine pulls up and a man comes in)

Producer: Actually, I say the show is doing just fine. At least according to our latest ratings. (pulls out a bag of money. Laughs and coughs, then clears throat) This is actually a lot by public access standings. Everyone is working out except for... (points to a lady) you! (points to a child) You! (points to a man) You! (points to Squidward) And you!

Squidward: Me?! (Squidward is kicked out. Bubble-wipe to that night. Squidward is in bed watching TV. We hear party blowers and music throughout)

News announcer: And now the Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the last 20 weeks... (a cyan-ish bamboo background appears. On it, the purple-ish word "Squidward's" appears, slanted to the right. The red word "HOUSE" appears on a thick yellow bar. Finally, a thin red bar with the yellow word "PARTY" appears. Each word appears when they are said) Squidward's House Party with your host... (the title card explodes and The Guitar Lord title card, alongside a shortened version of that show's theme music, plays) Zeus the Guitar Lord!

Zeus: Hey, hey, hey Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to party Squidward style? (people cheer while Squidward frowns) Thank you for making us #1 because I was finally able to get... (holds up the red guitar from earlier) ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! (Squidward growls) LET'S PARRRTY!! (plays guitar and people begin making music so loud, and Plankton shoots his death ray, Mr. Krabs swings with his sign, and Sandy and Pearl dance. SpongeBob plays a synthesizer and Patrick plays another guitar loudly. Squidward is shocked)

Squidward: (bangs his broom on floor) Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! ARRRRRGH!!! (people keep partying ending the episode)

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