Episode Transcript: You Don't Know Sponge

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Episode Article: You Don't Know Sponge

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at the Krusty Krab. Squidward is reading a magazine, and hears a whale song. He looks in the kitchen and finds out it was Patrick, who calls the whale song again. SpongeBob chatters in dolphin. Patrick and SpongeBob then make the noises several more times)

Squidward: Can you two be quiet?! (SpongeBob and Patrick struggle not to make the noises again, but end up doing so again, knocking Squidward off his feet) Didn't think so. What are you barnacle heads doing, anyway?

SpongeBob: Patrick and I are practicing our favorite noises. Mine is a dolphin, laughing. [chatters again]

Patrick: And my favorite is the plaintive song of the blue whale. Ahem. (calls the whale song. Two businessmen are walking down a street and one is a whale, who hears the song)

Whale Businessman: Huh? Did you hear that?

Fish Businessman: What's wrong, Frank?

Frank (Whale Businessman): That song. It sounds just like... Martha!

Fish Businessman: Frank, how many times do I have to tell you? Martha's no good for you! She's just no good! (cut back to Krusty Krab. Patrick calls the whale song again)

Squidward: Why would you want to practice such horrible sounds?

SpongeBob: It's one of the activities in our favorite magazine. (holds up a magazine) Simple-Ton: A ton of simple things to do!

Squidward: It must be very mentally challenging for you!

SpongeBob: Oh, it is.

Patrick: Yeah. And it made me look more smart-like. (goes cross-eyed) What does the magazine say we should do next?

SpongeBob: Well, let's take a look. (opens magazine) We've done everything in this issue. Oh, except for this one! The Best Friend Quiz! Do you really know your best friend? Oh, this should be easy. Patrick and I know everything about each other!

Squidward: Well, you two have fun with your mutual ignoramus society. (walks away from window)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Bye, Squidward!

Squidward: (comes back to window) Morons. (goes away again)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Bye, again!

SpongeBob: You go first, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, no. After you, old buddy.

SpongeBob: Au contraire. After you, mon ami.

Patrick: No. After you, old pal.

SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. After you, bestest buddy- (a boot is thrown at his head) -Oof!

Squidward: (offscreen) Just pick one! And there's another three where that came from!

SpongeBob: I'll go first. (puts on glasses) Question 1: What is your best friend's favorite color? Hmmm... I'm thinking...AQUAMARINE!

Patrick: I hate to burst your bubble, but my favorite color is... it is aquamarine. Sorry I doubted you.

SpongeBob: No problem. Is your best friend right, or left-handed? The answer is right-handed.

Patrick: (draws "Patrick iz awesome" on the wall) How did you know?

SpongeBob: Simple, Patrick! It's because you're my best friend!

Patrick: Aww!

SpongeBob: Is your best friend's belly button have an inny or an outie?

Patrick: (gasps and grabs the front desk with Squidward in it) No peeking!

SpongeBob: (laughs) No need to peek, Patrick. I can do this with my eyes closed! (closes eyes and thinks) You haaaaaaaaaave...

Patrick: Oh! What will his answer be?

Squidward: (sarcastically) The suspense is killing me!

SpongeBob: ...an inny!

Patrick: Well, let's just check that theory! (looks down at his belly button and sees he's an inny) Inny! (echoes) Wow! How does he do it?

Squidward: (monotonously) Magic. (takes desk and walks away)

Patrick: My turn! But give me some hard ones. Not like those softballs you answered.

SpongeBob: Okay! First question: What is your best friend's favorite color?

Patrick: Aw, man! Pulling out the big guns. Color? Color? (SpongeBob gasps to give Patrick a hint) No, no! No hints! (struggles) Blue! No, clear! No! (slaps himself in the face) That's not it. 14.

SpongeBob: The answer is...beige.

Patrick: Oh barnacles! I was so close.

SpongeBob: Question 2: Is your best friend right, or left-handed?

Patrick: (paces back and forth) Tricky...tricky. Hmm...right, or, left...right handed!

SpongeBob: Sorry Patrick, I'm ambidextrous! (grows another pair of arms)

Patrick: Oh, fish paste!

SpongeBob: Next question, does your best friend have an inny, or outie belly button?

Patrick: Belly Button, huh? An inny! (there is a loud buzzer that comes when there is a wrong answer to a question)

SpongeBob: Sorry Patrick. I have an outie. (shows his outie belly button)

SpongeBob: Well, I'm sure you'll get the next one right! What is your best friend's favorite food?

Patrick: Uhhh...

SpongeBob: (holds up a sign that says "Krabby Patty" in one hand, and an actual Krabby Patty in the other)

Patrick: Oh! Oh! I remember! Your favorite food is a Chum Burger!

SpongeBob: (frowns and puts down the sign and Krabby Patty) No.

Patrick: I thought for sure I had that one.

SpongeBob: Okay, lets try an easy one. Is your best friend a boy or a girl?

Patrick: Oooh...that's a toughie. (eyes SpongeBob's muscles) Rugged biceps. (inspects SpongeBob's eyes) Yet delicate eyelashes. Hmmm...pass!

SpongeBob: (work hat deflates. Clears his throat) Uhhh...last question!

Patrick: (claps hands) Ooh! This is for the win!

SpongeBob: What shape is your best friend?

Patrick: Oh! I got this one! Um...can you repeat the question?

SpongeBob: What shape is your best friend, SpongeBob SQUAREPANTS?

Patrick: Round... flat... hexagon...

SpongeBob: SQUARE-pants.

Patrick: Ooh! It's right on the tip of my tongue!

SpongeBob: (holds up a timer) Five seconds.

Patrick: Um! Um! Tricep... pentagon... mormorphis...

SpongeBob: Times up! (timer rings)

Patrick: TRIANGLE!!

SpongeBob: I, eh... no. (cut to Squidward adjusting his boat outside the kitchen, in the dining area)

Squidward: Idiots, wrecking my boat! (SpongeBob and Patrick enter the dining area) So, who won your stupid quiz?

Patrick: It was a tie.

Squidward: (takes the Simple-Ton magazine) Let me see that. (starts laughing) A triangle?! Patrick didn't know anything about you! (continues laughing) And he's supposed to be your best friend?

Patrick: I know, it's like we're not friends at all!

SpongeBob: Now, now. Patrick may not have passed the quiz, but like a true best friend, he's always here for me. Right Patrick? (turns to Patrick, but he's nowhere in sight) Patrick? (Patrick is now outside, buying ice cream from the ice cream truck)

Patrick: Ice cream!

Squidward: Looks like your best friend isn't a friend at all! (laughs. SpongeBob walks outside to Patrick)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! I got you an ice cream. (holds out an ice cream cone to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: (takes the cone) thank you best friend, Patrick.

Patrick: It's your favorite! Dill Pickle Swirl with mustard and extra bacon bits!

SpongeBob: Patrick, this is your favorite ice cream. My favorite is... plain vanilla.

Patrick: Oh, right. (takes the ice cream out of SpongeBob's hand) Well, more ice cream for me! (SpongeBob's eyes start watering) Oh, can I borrow five bucks? (SpongeBob miserably takes the money out of his pocket)

SpongeBob: Here! Take your dirty, rotten money! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE! (runs off, crying)

Ice Cream Man: Hey, what's with him?

Patrick: I guess he didn't want any ice cream. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob in his bedroom, on his bed, sobbing. Gary comes by toward his food bowl, but sees it's holding SpongeBob's blue tears as they land right in the bowl)

Gary: Meow-row. (gets splashed by SpongeBob's blue tears as he sobs even harder. Slithers away crossly) Meow-row-row...

SpongeBob: It just isn't fair! (tries to calm himself down) Oh, who needs Patrick anyway? (leaves his house) Rest of my life, here I come! (walks by Patrick, who's sunning himself on his rock)

Patrick: Oh hey there, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: (to himself) Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong! Good afternoon, Mr. Star. (walks off)

Patrick: See you later! (bubble-wipe to Sandy's Treedome, where Sandy is trying to comfort a sobbing SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Oh Sandy! It was awful! Truly awful! We were like complete strangers!

Sandy: You don't need to know everything about your best friend. That's what keeps the friendship interesting!

SpongeBob: Really?

Sandy: Maybe you and Patrick just need some time apart.

SpongeBob: (sniffles) Yeah! I'll have lots of fun without Patrick! (walks off to Sandy's door, and on his way out, he breaks down in tears again)

Sandy: (to herself) What a crybaby. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob walking)

SpongeBob: I don't need Patrick! I can have a good time all by myself! (takes out jellyfishing net) I can go jellyfishing! (sobers up) Patrick and I used to go jellyfishing...I can play leapfrog! (jumps over a rock, then pulls it up on him and tries to toss it over his head, but winds up under it and tries to slide out from under it) I can blow bubbles! (blows a bubble, but it looks just like Patrick) Uh, maybe not. (bubble pops. Sighs. Patrick comes by, singing nonsense) Oh, it's Patrick! I can led him see me! (drills a hole in the sand and hides in it. Patrick skips over the hole. Checks to make sure he's gone, then exits the hole) Well, he doesn't seem to be missing me at all. (Patrick walks off, still singing nonsense) I'd say he's gotten over our friendship so quickly! (returns to the hole, and digs a tunnel that's following Patrick. Patrick is seen entering the Gym while SpongeBob watches him from afar) Patrick works out at the gym? (takes out binocular and watches Patrick exiting the Gym the Larry the Lobster) And he's hanging out with Larry the Lobster? Maybe I don't know much about Patrick, either. (bubble-wipe to Larry and Patrick entering a cooking supply shop while SpongeBob spies on them. Watches Patrick from the inside of a blender) Patrick's shopping for cookery? Very suspicious. Oh! He's coming back! (hides back in the blender. Patrick comes to the blender and presses a button, activating the blender. Patrick then leaves. Hand comes out of the blender and turns it off. Now liquefied, he exits the blender. BUbble-wipe to Larry and Patrick purchasing something from the magic shop. At the exit, one of the top hats from the top hat display follows them; from inside the hat) Hold it right there! (jumps out of the hat)

Larry the Lobster: Hi, SpongeBob.

Patrick: We were just coming to see you.

SpongeBob: (angrily) Oh, I'll bet you were, to tell me about your new best friend, Larry, I suppose?!

Larry: Whoa, settle down, little dude. I don't want to get in the middle of, whatever this is. (walks off)

Patrick: While Larry is a great guy, loads of talent, and good looks.

SpongeBob: I know, he is pretty amazing...

Patrick: But he's not my best friend. He was just helping me buy a present.

SpongeBob: (angrily) Who for? Sandy?

Patrick: No. For my real best friend, SpongeBob SquarePants. (holds out the bag he's holding)

SpongeBob: Really? (takes the bag and opens it up) For me? What is it? (takes out a rubber nose, mustache, and glasses disguise) Oh! I love it! You DO know me, best friend!

Patrick: (wearing the same disguise) I got a pair for me too! (laughs)

SpongeBob: Oh, you're the bestest, best friend Patrick! (puts on his disguise) How do I look?

Patrick: (screams) How should I know, mysterious stranger?! (runs away, screaming. SpongeBob sighs)

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