Episode Transcript: Breath of Fresh Squidward

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Episode Article: Breath of Fresh Squidward

Characters

Dialogue

(Squidward is sleeping)

Patrick: Could you pass the chips, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, we're all out.

Patrick: Oh, barnacles! What am I gonna do with all this dip? (SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting in chairs beside Squidward's bed)

SpongeBob: Patrick! (Squidward screams)

Squidward: What are you two morons doing?

SpongeBob: Waiting to watch the sunrise with you.

Squidward: (Holds up a timer that says 3:47 A.M) At 3:47 in the morning?

SpongeBob: Uh-huh.

Squidward: In my bedroom?

SpongeBob: We come here every morning.

Squidward: You sneak into my house every morning?!

SpongeBob: Uh-huh. (Squidward groans)

Patrick: It's our favorite pasttime. (Squidward growls as Patrick holds up a green flag and a #1 glove and waves them around)

SpongeBob: Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. It's all right here in this memory book. (points to pictures) Here we are on the Fourth of July (Shows them wearing Uncle Sam Hats and fireworks while Squidward is dressed as the Statue of Liberty). And Valentine's Day (Shows them wearing heart hats). Oh, you looked so cute on Easter. (Shows them wearing Bunny outfits) (Squidward is groaning angrily) What's wrong Squidward?

Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you?

SpongeBob & Patrick: (gasp) Story time!

SpongeBob: Can I tell it this time, Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. (happy gland sneezes)

Squidward: And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever...

Narrator: 3 hours later...

Squidward: And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again...

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Squidward: ...for as long as time shall stand.

SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward?

Squidward: What? (sun rises)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Ooh-...

SpongeBob: Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Squidward.

Squidward: Get out! (cut to later where Squidward is putting up a fence to seperate the neighbors) Perfect.

SpongeBob: Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big friends warming party.

Squidward: Oh, of course. Come, have a seat. The picnic's about to start. (cut to later)

SpongeBob: Oh, this is so neat.

Patrick: I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you SpongeBob? (both are launched over the fence)

Squidward: It worked! Now I just turn on the electric fence. (does so) Now, they'll never get back in. (SpongeBob & Patrick land inside the fenced area)

Patrick: Let's do it again.

SpongeBob: Let's do it again.

Patrick: Can we Squidward?

SpongeBob: Huh?

Squidward: What? No! Get out!

SpongeBob: But...

Squidward: No! You're going out this door, right now... (touches the doorknob and gets electrocuted)

SpongeBob: You're not mad at us, are you Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? (Squidward's brain is not storming anymore and has a rainbow over it) Well, okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be at the petting zoo if you need us.

Squidward: Do they have cute sea horses there?

SpongeBob: Yeah, they're pretty adorable.

Squidward: And the little scallops that nibble on your fingers when you feed them?

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.

Squidward: Can I come?

SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh... yeah. (cut to a montage of events: Squidward petting a sea horse, riding in a wagon while SpongeBob and Patrick pull him, riding a ferries wheel, and taking pictures in a photo booth. Later, the bus drops them off in front of Squidward's house. Squidward runs inside) Good night, Squidward.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, did you notice anything different about Squidward?

Patrick: Uh, new glasses?

SpongeBob: No, no, he seems happier.

Squidward: (peeks his head out his top window) Good night, Bikini Bottom. I love you! (closes window)

Patrick: He's probably happy about his new glasses. (cut to next day when SpongeBob wakes up. He turns off his alarm but he pokes Squidward's nose instead)

Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob. Honk! (makes alarm sound at SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing here?

Squidward: You were right, SpongeBob. Watching the sunrise together is much better.

SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, yeah. I forgot. The new Squidward. (gets out of bed) I guess I better get ready for work. Boy, the new Squidward sure is friendly. (SpongeBob reads the newspaper while sipping his coffee. Squidward grabs his coffee cup) The new Squidward sure is helpful. (cut to SpongeBob brushing his teeth) Huh? (Squidward is flossing SpongeBob’s teeth) The new Squidward sure is hygienic. (SpongeBob and Squidward walk to work together) Boy...the new Squidward sure is chummy. (cut to Krusty Krab) Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my grill, and you Mister Smiley Face Krabby Patty. Nothing can come between us. (Squidward squeezes between them)

Squidward: Hello, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Ah! S-S-Squidward! Aren't you supposed to be out front?

Squidward: I wanted to help you work.

SpongeBob: What? Oh, that's silly talk, Squidward. I'm chief fry cook, and we fry cooks work alone. And, uh... (pokes his head out the order window) ...we're not supposed to get distracted while we're cooking, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! (grabs him and brings him out front) Stop distracting SpongeBob and service the customers!

Squidward: How are we today? Everything a-okay here?

Tom: What do you mean?

Squidward: How's your meal? Anyone need tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke.

Kid: Mommy, I'm scared.

Squidward: Who wants a free refill?

Mr. Krabs: Did someone just say "free"? (runs out of his office) What's the problem here?

Kid: He-he...he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce, and then he gave me a free hat.

Mr. Krabs: Free? (eyes dry up) Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Listen up. Me customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse, and if you can't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob. (SpongeBob comes out of the bathroom and sees Squidward holding a plate of patties)

SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs told me to help you, so I made Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob: Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice and you'd never be up to it. (about to throw the patties away until Mr Krabs comes in)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? What are you doing with those patties?

SpongeBob: Oh, they're no good, Mr. Krabs. Squidward made 'em.

Mr. Krabs: They look ok to me.

SpongeBob: But he's not a real fry cook.

Mr. Krabs: He is now. Give him an apron and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. (SpongeBob whimpers. Cut to later where both SpongeBob and Squidward are at a grill)

Squidward: Wow, SpongeBob! You're been employee of the month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month.

SpongeBob: Actually, Squidward, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. But keep dreaming.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this?

SpongeBob: What's wrong with it?

Mr. Krabs: A smiley face with dimples?

SpongeBob: (screams) Dimples? It was him! New Squidward did it.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward?

Squidward: Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: I have one thing to say to you, Mister. Oh, I just love the little ketchup dimples you do. You're the new employee of the month. (takes his picture. SpongeBob breaks into pieces)

Patrick: (walks in the Krusty Krab with a pink box in his hand) Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. (SpongeBob doesn't say move) No, really, who is it? I don't know.

SpongeBob: The guy you're looking for is over there. (points to a crowd of customers and Mr Krabs throwing Squidward up into the air with excitement)

Patrick: Oh. SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes?

Patrick: I want you to pull yourself together, ok? And then I want you to...

SpongeBob: Mm-hmm?

Patrick: Help me spell Squidward. (opens up the pink box to reveal a cake that reads "Congratulations SpongeBob: Employee of the Month")

SpongeBob: Ok. (changes "SpongeBob" to "Squidward") Thanks, SpongeBob. Party at my house!

Squidward: Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? How's the cake, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. It's a very okay cake. (sniffles)

Squidward: I love being Employee of the Month.

SpongeBob: Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if New Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month. And so what if New Squidward is pogo dancing with your best friend. Ah! Pogo dancing with your best friend? (whimpers then gets angry) Stop! (party stops) Maybe you can take my job, and maybe you can take my place on the Employee of the Month Wall of Fame, but nobody, and I mean nobody, pogo dances with that guy but me. Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! (Squidward leaves and goes over to touch the doorknob on the electric fence, which is still on, and gets shocked) You know what, Patrick? I think I was a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he may be a good fry cook and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the greatest friend in the world. I know! I'll go apologize! Come on! (goes over to Squidward, still being shocked) Squidward, I just want to say I'm sorry for being so selfish, and yelling at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking, pictures on the wall, and dancing. We're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put 'er there, pal.

Patrick: He's too proud.

SpongeBob: Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. (grabs Squidward's hand and gets shocked, too)

Patrick: Hey, I want to dance funny, too! (Patrick gets shocked, too. The off/on switch explodes and the electric fence is no more)

Squidward: SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here?

SpongeBob: (imitating Squidward) What are you talking about?

Patrick: (imitating Squidward) Yeah, what's the big idea? (all talking at once)

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