Episode Transcript: The Abrasive Side

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Episode Article: The Abrasive Side

[edit] Characters

SpongeBob SquarePants
- Abrasive SpongeBob
Patrick Star
Sandy Cheeks
Mr. Krabs
Pearl Krabs (voice only)
Grandma SquarePants

[edit] Dialogue

(episode starts at Bikini Bottom at night with a clam howling. The sky becomes daytime. Cut to the roads in heavy traffic. Cut to a male fish waiting at the bus stop that happens to step on SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Ahem, (camera zooms out to reveal the fish standing on SpongeBob who is in a blanket) I believe I was in line first. (the fish steps off him. Pops his eyes out, and cut to him in his underwear) I spent the night. That's how you get the best spot around here. (ties his blanket into a flag and throws it in his house. It lands on his bed. Uses a red tie and ties it on his bottom. Tugs it downwards and his pants comes out) I'm meeting my best friend for an exciting day at (jumps up and turns into a glove) Glove World! (gets out two tickets that happen to say "GLOVE WORLD Admit one") See? (points to the tickets) Glove World. I promised Patrick we'd be first in line for the first bus to Glove World!

Male Fish #1: Hmm. Interesting stuff. Say, do you mind if I cut in front of ya?

SpongeBob: (confused) But, I spent the night so that I could...(thinking) Okay, I guess. (the fish steps in front of him. More fish cut in front of him as well)

Male Fish #2: (cuts in front of SpongeBob) Excuse me.

Female Fish #1: (cuts in front of SpongeBob) Pardon me.

Male Fish #3: (cuts in front of SpongeBob and speaks in a rude tone) Move it! (bubble-wipe to later, revealing 10 fish are in front of him and SpongeBob at the back of the line. He is sad. Patrick walks over to him)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! Are you ready to-- (sees the fish in front of him, he gasps, and gets angry) SpongeBob! You promised firsties!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. But we'll still be on the first bus to Glove World! (gives Patrick a ticke)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Yayyyyyyy! (they laugh. The bus arrives)

SpongeBOb: (chanting) Glove World! (is stopped by Sandy walking over to him)

Sandy: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Sandy!

Sandy: Howdy, little buddy! I need your help with an experiment!

SpongeBob: Gosh, Sandy, I'd like to, but I'll miss the first bus to Glove World!

Sandy: (saddened) But, this is an emergency!

SpongeBob: (saddened) Ahh... (looking at the people going on the bus)

Sandy: SpongeBob, please?!

SpongeBob: (in slight depression) Uh, okay. I'll catch the next bus, Patrick. (the bus drives off) See ya there! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob at Sandy's Treedome, running on a hamster wheel to operate her blender)

Sandy: Operation: Acorn Smoothie is a success! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob waiting for Patrick. Mr. Krabs opens the door in anger)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Oh, you gotta help me! Pearl's got her heart set on the new pair of shoes. Your job is to tell her "no".

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, today's my day off!

Mr. Krabs: (getting irritated) SpongeBob! (SpongeBob accepts the request and dashes inside the shoe store. Meanwhile, the bus arrives again and drives off. Bubble-wipe to the outside of Bikini Bottom)

SpongeBob: (offscreen) Um, Pearl? About those shoes? No.

Pearl: (offscreen, she screams and the camera shakes) NOOOOOO?! (starts crying loudly. Cut to the shoe store where a water of tears busts the door and floods the town. The tears vanish and SpongeBob's Grandma inquires him)

Grandma SquarePants: SpongeBob! Help your granny cross the street, hmm?

SpongeBob: Grandma? Oh. Coming, Grandma! (the bus arrives again and drives off. This infuriates him. It drives back again to reveal Patrick wearing a glove hat, glove balloon and a glove T-shirt)

Patrick: Oh, man! That was the best time I've ever had! (laughs as SpongeBob runs to him. Glares at him) Oh. hello, SpongeBob. Did you enjoy not going to Glove World with me?

SpongeBob: (sadly) Oh, Patrick I tried, how I tried! But everyone needed my help, and I--

Patrick: You need to learn to say "no"! Stand up for yourself, man! You need thicker skin. Check out mine. (shows his tough skin. Rubs his finger along it and it burns out) Oh, hey, that reminds me. (takes his shirt off) Can you scratch my back? (shows his pimples on his back)

SpongeBob: Oh sure. (scratches his back with a very gross ick. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house; crying) Oh, it's true, Gare bear! It's true-e-e-e-e!

Gary: Meow-w-w-w.

SpongeBob: It's true that I can't stand up for myself! I'm too soft! D'oh, I wish had thicker skin! (Gary flicks through the phone book and calls a janitorial supplies company. The book reads "JANiTORiAL SUPPLiES (555) 555-0131")

Gary: (while answering the phone) Meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. (a knock and doorbell is heard. SpongeBob walks outside to pick up a package laid on his doorstep)

SpongeBob: What does this say? Don't throw out that old too soft sponge, toughen it up with a new abrasive side. (the package reads "iNDUSTRiAL SiZE ABRASiVE SPONGE") Say, Gary, did you order this for me? (walks back inside, puts it on and runs to Gary) Oh, it fits like a glove!

Gary: Meow, meow.

SpongeBob: Thanks, Gary! (pats him) You're always there for me. Hmm, wonder how this thing works. (switches to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Ah, why don't you scram, you little free-loader! (switches back to SpongeBob, who blinks, then switches back to the abrasive side) Heh, bottom feeder! (switches back to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: See ya, Gary! (walks off)

Gary: Meow? (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob jogging on the road and singing)

Music: I've Got an Abrasive Side

SpongeBob: I've got an abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side.
I've got an abrasive side, and now I can say "no"! 
Abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, and now I can say... (turns over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Nooo. (turns over back to SpongeBob. Cut to a male fish asking him a question)

Male Fish #4: (while holding two grocery bags) Hi, SpongeBob. Could you help me carry my groceries? (turns over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Carry 'em yourself, fish-face! (walks off. Cut to Larry carrying lotion and asks SpongeBob a question)

Larry: Hey, SpongeBob! How about a little help with this suntan lotion, huh? (SpongeBob turns over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Don't you think you've had enough? All you're missing is a bowl of butter! (walks off)

Larry: (confused) Butter? Yipe? (cut to SpongeBob walking and standing next to his grandma in traffic)

SpongeBob: Hey, Grandma.

Grandma SquarePants: Why hello, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: I got an abrasive side now!

Grandma SquarePants: Why, that's nice dear. SpongeBob, would you help Granny cross the street? (SpongeBob looks confused and turns over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Sorry, Granny! Why don't you walk yourself across the street? (turns over back to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: (soft voice) Have a nice day, Grandma. (walks across the street. Grandma looks for cars and there appear to be none at first. She tries to step on the road but then a lot of cars begin driving. Bubble-wipe to Sandy's Treedome with SpongeBob walking to it)

Sandy: (while holding a ray gun) Howdy, SpongeBob! You're right on time to help me test out my new "disappearator." It'll make anything disappear instantly. (gets ready to shoot at SpongeBob) Now hold still, and I'll just shave a few inches off in the top of your noggin.

SpongeBob: Oh, while certainly, Sa-- (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: (knocks the gun out of Sandy's hand) No can do, ya brainless lab rat! I got better things to do than be your test monkey!

Sandy: (looking confused) Brainless? (the gun falls and shoots Sandy's head, which inflates and disappears. A black steam comes out and she bumps into stuff) Huh? Huh? Huh? (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob walking inside)

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I need you to work an extra 17 hour shift tonight!

SpongeBob: Ooooohhh! Sure thing Mr.-- (turns over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Sorry, Krabs. I'm busy! Unless you're payin' me overtime!

Mr. Krabs: Overtime? (thinks) Oh, oh. Over-time? (walks into his office and gets a dictionary book out) Overtime? Hmm. Let's see here. Over-oversold, overspend, Ah! Overtime! More money per hour... (gulps and screams. Hides behind his desk) Oh, filthy, disgusting word! (bubble-wipe to Squidward's house, with Squidward holding a hose with water running, and SpongeBob walking over to him)

Squidward: Oh, fine I suppose you want me to play some game. Or you'll just follow me around all day, and never, ever, leave, huh? (swishes the hose around and sprays SpongeBob with it. He switches over the abrasive side. Mumbles to himself)

Abrasive SpongeBob: (snaps his fingers at Squidward) Afraid not, Schnozward! I wouldn't hang out with you for all the money in Krabs' mattress!

Squidward: (looks puzzled. Grabs SpongeBob and hugs him with tears of joy) You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words? (sniffs. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house, where SpongeBob is about to open his door. Patrick comes to talk to him)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our playdate!

SpongeBob: Oooohhh! I can't wait... (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: ...to ditch you... (switches back to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: ...'cause you're my best friend... (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: (pokes Patrick's stomach) ...so beat it, tubby, I don't care for your company!

SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun?

Patrick: (paranoid) I don't know! (runs home crying)

SpongeBob: That's weird. (goes inside his house and looks in the mirror) Wonder what's wrong with Patrick. (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Don't you remember?! We told that pink freak to beat it! In fact, we've already insulted all your rotten friends, and nobody will hang around with you, 'cause you have no friends left, Mr. LoserBob LonelyPants! (laughs evilly. SpongeBob sees the abrasive side and gasps)

SpongeBob: (the mirror turns back to him) Oh no! Patrick! (runs to Patrick's rock and knocks on it) Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!

Patrick: (opens the rock with his head) Yes, may I help you?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick! Help me get this abrasive side off my back! You'll help me, won't you buddy?

Patrick: (still confused) I-I don't know, are we buddies?

SpongeBob: Patrick, you know the answer to that question is-- (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Nooo! Why would I wanna be friends with a big loser like you?! (Patrick screams and closes his rock)

Patrick: I'm so confused! (the abrasive side switches back over to SpongeBob. Screams)

SpongeBob: It happened again! (runs off. Bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab, with Mr. Krabs reading a dictionary book about overtime)

Mr. Krabs: It's unbelievable. (mumbles; he's using a stick to read the book) More money for services above and beyond...(gibberish. SpongeBob bangs the door open)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) What do you want now Mr. Pottymouth?

SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I never use immoderate language like... (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Overtime! (snaps. Mr. Krabs screams in horror and angrily takes SpongeBob out)

Mr. Krabs: Out, out, and stay out! And don't you come back 'til you swab that poop deck you call a mouth! (slams the doors shut and mumbles to himself. SpongeBob thinks. Bubble-wipe to Sandy's treedome. Sandy is still walking around with no face and SpongeBob runs to her)

SpongeBob: Sandy, please help me! (switches over to the abrasive side and points to it) Gary ordered me an abrasive side so that I could be more assertive!

Abrasive SpongeBob: Aye, chipmunk! (switches back to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: But, no! It's taken over! (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: (to SpongeBob) Quiet, you!

SpongeBob: I can't take it anymore, it's like a... (puts his hands over him, thinking) ...a virus! (Sandy speaks in gibberish) Huh? Well, hold on. (pulls a screw on her suit and her face grows back)

Sandy: (angrily) I said, what you wanna go do a dangful thing like that for?

SpongeBob: Well, I just couldn't say... (switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: No! (switches back to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: ...to anybody. So I got this abrasive side to help change my personality.

Sandy: Ah, SpongeBob. Don't go tryin' to be someone you're not! You are who you are! And who you are is just fine! (SpongeBob switches over to the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Who he is just stinks!

Sandy: Goh-lee! We gotta get this varmint off ya! Now turn around, and grab somethin' heavy. (SpongeBob grabs onto Patrick, who is eating ice cream) Now, hold still... (removes her gloves)

Abrasive SpongeBob: No! You don't scare me, girly!

Sandy: This is gonna sting worse than a jellyfish and a bucket of electric eels! (grabs onto the abrasive side)

Abrasive SpongeBob: Hey, what are you doin' you crazy bushy-tail rodent? (Sandy pulls the abrasive side off and SpongeBob screams in pain)

Sandy: All done!

SpongeBob: Phew! Thank you, Sandy, and you too Patrick! (Patrick is seen with a full belly. He talks in gibberish and walks towards SpongeBob and Sandy. The abrasive side growls)

Sandy: I think a time time to get rid of this critter. (puts the abrasive side in the box. SpongeBob puts a sticker on it saying "Return to Sender". He puts it in a mailbox with the flag up)

SpongeBob: So long abrasive-e. (the abrasive side growls) Grandma, I gotta apologize to Grandma. (bubble-wipe to Grandma's house. SpongeBob walks to it, knocking on the door) Grandma? (opens the door) Hello? (Grandma is seen on a rocking chair with a stack of steaming cookies) Grandma, I'm sorry about earlier today. So what do you say? Can you discuss forgiveness over a cup of your famous hot cocoa?

Grandma SquarePants: Oh my sweet, I would love to whip that up for you, right after you... (an abrasive grandma appears)

Abrasive Grandma SquarePants: Make your own hot cocoa! I am busy! (thunderclaps are heard)

SpongeBob: Nooooooooo! (episode ends)

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