Episode Transcript: Selling Out

Latest revision as of 08:18, 9 April 2023

Episode Article: Selling Out

[edit] Characters

• SpongeBob
• Mr. Krabs
• Squidward
• Pearl
• Howard Blandy
• Carl

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, Mr. Krabs is counting money at the register until he feels a rumble coming from outside)

Mr. Krabs: Here they come, lads.

SpongeBob: Hooray!

Squidward: Fantastic. (crowd comes rushing in, running over Squidward)

Mr. Krabs: Thank you very much, madam. (pushes the key to open the cash box over and over) I feel so alive!

Music: "Cha-Ching"

Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaree.
Money, oh money, how I love thee.
Cha-ching. Cha-chong. Cha-changaroo.
From pennies to dollars. Any amount will do

Cha-ching. Cha-ching. It's no contest.
There's only one thing that I love the best.
From every sight I ever seen. To the sweetest sound I've heard,
I'd gladly give up everything for all the money that I've earned!

Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaree.
There's nothing on earth like the feeling of greed.
There's nothing on earth like the feeling of greed!

(Mr. Krabs throws a cane he was spinning, then laughs and falls backwards. SpongeBob and Squidward catch him)

Squidward: Please don't do that again.

Howard Blandy: (walks in the Krusty Krab) I think the stain glass barstool can go over here. And the psuedo hand carved wooden sports flag display case can go over there.

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, matey. Can I help you gentlemen with something?

Howard: Are you the owner?

Mr. Krabs: Who wants to know?

Howard: Allow me to introduce myself. Howard Blandy: President, Blandy Franchising Company.

Mr. Krabs: Howard Blandy? You mean the Howard Blandy? The Howard Blandy that masterminded the ruthless takeover of every small family owned business in Bikini Bottom? That Howard Blandy? (gets on hands and knees) I worship you. (cries)

Howard: Get it together, little man.

Mr. Krabs: Sorry, it's just that...you're rich. (laughs) I'm Mr. Krabs. To what do I owe the honor of having you here, Howard? (slaps Howard's hand)

Howard: What would it take to buy the Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs: Buy the Krusty Krab? It's not for sale! You know, I may not make as much as your fancy-schmancy-mega restaurant chain, but it's the blood, sweat, and tears of a hard days work. It's not about the mon-- (suitcase full of money is shown to Mr. Krabs) Holy sweet mother of pearl! I like the way you think, Blandy. But it'll take a lot more than a suitcase of cash to buy the Krusty Krab from me.

Howard: Oh, there's a lot more than that. The rest is over there. (points to a boat full of suitcases with money)

Mr. Krabs: Jumpin' King Neptune! Sold. Give me my money.

Howard: First, sign this contract. (takes out a pen) You relinquish the Krusty Krab and all ownership thereof. Along with its employees, merchandise, logos, and cash registers.

Mr. Krabs: I still get the money?

Howard: Yes.

Mr. Krabs: That'll be fine then. (signs contract) Here you go. Now gimme gimme. (holds suitcase up in the air) Whoo-ha! See ya 'round. (walks out of the Krusty Krab. Contractors and painters come in remodeling)

SpongeBob: What's happening? Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, they're putting up pennants in the Krusty Krab. What's going on?

Mr. Krabs: I'm retiring.

SpongeBob: Retiring?

Mr. Krabs: I'm free to do whatever I want. I can learn to ride that bicycle I got 30 years ago. Or go to the new hook museum downtown. Or even paint bowls of fruit. Aren't you happy for me?

SpongeBob: I sure am!

Mr. Krabs: So long, boys.

SpongeBob: Have fun, Mr. Krabs. (cries)

Squidward: Heaven knows I won't.

Carl: Hi, gentlemen, I'm Carl. Your new manager.

SpongeBob: New manager?

Carl: I think you'll find working at the Krabby O' Mondays to be both a learning experience and an enjoyable one.

SpongeBob: Krabby O' Mondays?

Carl: (takes away their Krusty Krew hats) You won't need these anymore. (hands them new clothes) Now here are your new uniforms, and here are the-- (hands them heavy books) --employee manuals. See ya first thing tomorrow. (SpongeBob and Squidward struggle with the heavy books. Bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: (driving boat and smelling the air) Ah... The sweet smell of a brand-new day. First stop: the new hook museum. Then maybe I'll-- (sees new Krabby O' Mondays) Hey, the Krabby O' Mondays? Not the name I would've chosen. But that's all behind me now. (Bubble-wipe to later. Mr. Krabs is at the Hook Museum listening to the story narrator about a 3 prong hook)

Recorded voice: The three-pronged J-hook was first sighted in local water more than 100 years ago. (Mr. Krabs yawns. Next, he is at his home painting a bowl of fruit, but he actually paints a bowl of Krabby Patties. Then he is playing golf but stops)

Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute, I hate golf! (now laying in his bed at home) Well, I've done everything I wanted to do. And it's not even noon. (we see that according to the clocks, it's not yet 12 o'clock)

Pearl: (on phone) Did you see the shoes she has on? So last year. (laughs. Notices her father in the doorway) Hold on, Gina. Yeah, dad?

Mr. Krabs: How's it going?

Pearl: Fine.

Mr. Krabs: Whatcha up to?

Pearl: I'm talking on the phone!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, really?

Pearl: Really.

Mr. Krabs: Oh.

Pearl: Dad, isn't there something you need to do?

Mr. Krabs: Well, actually, I was hoping you and I could do something together.

Pearl: Get out! That's it, dad. Get a job, get a hobby, or get some friends. Because I can't take it anymore! (slams the door. Bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs on a unknown beach)

Mr. Krabs: (using a metal detector on the beach) Get some friends she says. Find a hobby she says. Get a job she says... Oh! (runs into a window with a "Help Wanted" sign) Help wanted? Hmm. (walks into the Krabby O' Mondays)

Squidward: Ahoy there, mateys. Welcome to Krabby O' Mondays.

Kid: It's my birthday.

Squidward: Can I start you off with--?

Mother: Will you sing the Krabby O' Mondays birthday song to my special little man?

Squidward: Happy, happy birthday. (sighs) Happy, happy--

Carl: Uhh, Squidward, can I talk to you for a second? What's our motto here at Krabby O' Mondays?

Squidward: Sincere service with a smile.

Carl: (chuckles) Well, yes, but with the Krabby O' Mondays spirit. Now, Squidward, you wouldn't want to have to talk to human resources... (big strong guy steps out) ...would you? So, what's our motto again?

Squidward: Uh, uh, sincere service... (slaps himself) with a smile! (human resources guy disappears)

Carl: Now you're gettin' it.

Mr. Krabs: (in the kitchen cleaning dishes) Morning, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what are you doing here?

Mr. Krabs: Retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be. So, I'm the new bus boy. (whistles as he sees SpongeBob with a big smile) Uhh, OK son, you're starting to creep me out.

SpongeBob: (clings to Mr. Krabs) I knew you'd come back, Mr. Krabs, I just knew you would.

Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, back to work.

SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir.

Mr. Krabs: I'm not your boss anymore. Just call me Eugene.

SpongeBob: Aye aye...Eugene. (giggles)

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, Squidward.

Squidward: Ahoy, Eugene! Would you mind clearing this table for me?

Mr. Krabs: Sure, Squidward. Ya know, I've never seen you so happy.

Squidward: They're watching us.

Mr. Krabs: That guy's a real pain in the hind-quarters, hey Squiddy?

Squidward: Uhh, Eugene, I think you need to look at page 20 of our employee handbook again.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I don't need Carl's silly rules.

Squidward: I really think you should look. (pointing to a message)

Mr. Krabs: What's this? (reads the note) Help me.

Carl: Hey, fellas, what's going on over here?

Squidward: Oh, hey Carl, uhh, I was just reminding Eugene of article 24, section 3 of the employee handbook.

Carl: Cut the chatter and pick up a platter. Good job, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs: What have you done with the real Squidward?

Carl: The less you know, Eugene...the better.

Mr. Krabs: What's going on around here? Where's SpongeBob? (in the kitchen, Krabby Patties are being made in a different way; they are blobs of grey goo-like garbage squeezed by a machine onto an conveyor belt, sent through an oven and spray painted to look like real Krabby Patties)

SpongeBob: (takes a "Krabby Patty" from the basket) Where's the love?

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the Krabby Patties?

SpongeBob: I tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen to me.

Mr. Krabs: This is obscene. (walks out of the kitchen) Carl, I need to have a word... (notices a automated, wall-mounted cash register)

Cash Register: Your change is $1.75. (displays "1.75" on the screen)

Mr. Krabs: Automated cash register? NOOOOO! (eyes roll back in his head) Hey, Carl, what have you done to me restaurant? Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized registers?

Carl: Look around you. Our customers are quite content with the contrive, and the mediocre. (customer falls asleep)

Mr. Krabs: That's because they don't know what they're eating. (grabs a pile of garbage from the Krabby Patty making machine, then walks up to a customer) Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know what's in that Krabby Patty you're eating?

Customer: No. (Mr. Krabs shows her the pile of garbage. Screams and runs out)

Mr. Krabs: See that? Without all your smoke and mirrors, no one would stomach this garbage.

Customer #2: What'd he say? Garbage? (customers notice what's in the "Krabby Patties" and everyone runs out. Mr. Krabs laughs)

Carl: Eugene, you're in violation of your contract.

Mr. Krabs: Rules. Here's a rule for ya. People can't eat stain glass barstools. (throws barstool into the restaurant's big screen television) I'll show you automated. (takes the cash register and shoves it into the Synthetic Krabby Patty making machine)

Carl: Mr. Blandy? Code red. Free thinker.

Howard: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?

Mr. Krabs: You better believe it. I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy. But after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction. Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand. One at a time. Not on a conveyor belt. (an alarm beeps. The Synthetic Krabby Patty machine blows and spews out garbage)

Carl: Oh, my. (garbage becomes a wave and washes them off the Krabby O Mondays, which explodes; floating away in the garbage) Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir?

Howard: It's ruined!

Friend: We'll have to sell it. We'll be lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it. (Mr. Krabs drives up with boat full of suitcases)

Mr. Krabs: I'll buy it for full price.

Friend: Sold. We won't need your contract anymore. (rips up contract) Nice doing business with you.

Mr. Krabs: Pleasure's all mine. Now get out of me restaurant. (laughs. Howard and his men walk away) Well, we did it, boys. The Krusty Krab is ours again. Ya know, in that fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed the restaurant, scared away all our customers, and forced us into bankruptcy because I returned nearly every penny I sold this stink heap for, but I got back the love of me dear friends.

Squidward: Really, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: No, not really! Get back to work! (gives SpongeBob and Squidward brooms to clean up the mess. Pushes the key to open the register and the episode ends with dollars wiping the screen to black)