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Episode Transcript: Wigstruck
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Episode Article: Wigstruck
(a bus is driving down the road with 3 band members sitting inside)
Band Member #1: Man, this is gonna be our most rocking tour, ever.
Band Member #2: (singing) Yeah.
Ned: Hey dudes, check out the debut of my new look. (band members laugh)
Band Member #1: Whoa, what's that on your head?
Band Member #3: Yeah, is that a wig or a pile of toilet paper?
Ned: C'mon guys, give it a chance.
Band Member #2: Let me try it on. (grabs the wig)
Ned: Hey, you've revealed my shiny dome!
Band Member #2: Hot potato. Catch! (band members throw it back and forth between each other)
Ned: Give it back, man!
Band Member #2: If you want it, you gotta catch it, dude. (throws it to band member but it goes through the window)
Band Member #1: Oops.
Ned: Ah! Oh, man, my beautiful wig. (the wig flies through the air, in and out of the dump then through the cemetery)
SpongeBob: (opens his front door) I'm ready! I'm ready-- (the wig crashes into him. He sits up and its on his head) Ah, what is this? Curly tresses, goofy texture, (scratches inside wig) itchy scalp... (gasps) ...it's a wig! (walks over to Patrick's rock) Hi, Patrick. How do you like my new look?
Patrick: (screams then jumps on SpongeBob, pinning him to the ground) I'll save you. (jumps on SpongeBob's face)
SpongeBob: Pa...trick...what are...you doing?
Patrick: (starts punching the wig) I'm saving you from that brain-eating alien that's attacking your... (slams SpongeBob's head onto a rock) ...head!
SpongeBob: Patrick, the only thing attacking me is you.
Patrick: (stops) Oh, sorry.
SpongeBob: It's ok. (Pat takes a bite out of the wig) Why did you do that?
Patrick: (swallows and burps) Well, I thought it was a new type of cotton candy you wear on your head.
SpongeBob: Well, it's not, but that is an excellent idea.
Patrick: Then what is it?
SpongeBob: It's my new look. I'm wearing a wig.
Patrick: A wig? (laughs uncontrollably) Oh! Oh, I... Oh... Don't you think that's a little silly? (in his pocket, an alarm starts to ring so he takes it out) Oh, man, it's time for my weekly condiment soak. (climbs into a tub and pours a giant jar of mustard on himself. Looks at SpongeBob) Do you mind? (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street with his wig on)
Fish #1: Nice wig. (chuckles)
SpongeBob: Thanks. I am very fashionable today.
Tina: Hey SquareFashion, nice cotour.
SpongeBob: Why, thank you.
Pilar: So then... (notices SpongeBob) Huh...?
Peterson: Nice 'do, SpongeBob. (tries to contain his laughter)
Pilar: Yeah, where can I get one? (Peterson and Pilar laugh)
Sally: Whoa-ho-ho. That wig really suits you.
SpongeBob: (walks up to Squidward, who is sleeping on the job) Hi, Squidward!
Squidward: Ahh! Who? What? Where? What? How?
SpongeBob: Notice anything different about me today, Squidward? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? ...Huh, huh, huh?
SpongeBob: I'm wearing a wig.
Squidward: Oh yeah, how could I have missed it?
SpongeBob: Can you believe I found it lying around in the street?
SpongeBob: If you want to, after work, we can go look for a wig for you.
Squidward: I can't wait.
SpongeBob: Wig away! Woo-hoo! (floats into the kitchen. While grilling some patties, he scratches his wig with the spatula and many hairs float down onto the patties. He puts one of the hairy patties on the bun) Order up, Squidward. (Squidward notices the hair on the Krabby Patty)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! (Mr. Krabs walks up to Squidward) I've served a lot of junk here, but a hair patty?
Mr. Krabs: (walks into the kitchen) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs? (a lot of hairs come off the wig and into Mr. Krabs' eyes)
Mr. Krabs: What in Davey Jones' locker is on your head, son?
SpongeBob: Oh, that's my new wig, Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well, take it off. The hair's getting into the patties.
SpongeBob: Take it off? But I can't, Mr. Krabs. My wig makes everyone so happy.
Mr. Krabs: Happy?
SpongeBob: Ever since I've began wearing it, everyone I see gets a big grin on their face.
Mr. Krabs: I can imagine.
SpongeBob: Oh, please let me keep it, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well, if it means that much to ya, you can keep it. But you gotta wear a hairnet. (takes one out) And if I see one more hairy patty, your wig goes in the dumpster.
SpongeBob: (puts the hairnet over his wig then walks out with an order)
Sandy: There you are, SpongeBob. Are you ready for karate prac...tice? (notices SpongeBob's wig)
SpongeBob: I see you've noticed my new wig. Pretty impressive, huh?
Sandy: It's uh, great, SpongeBob. (laughs uncontrollably)
SpongeBob: Glad you like it. (chuckles) I'll see you later, Sandy. (walks up to a table and sets the tray on it) Two Krabby Patties and a side order of looking good.
Frank: Nice wig.
Abigail Marge: Like to keep in style, huh?
SpongeBob: You know it.
Francis: Off to meet the queen, Sir Nerdlaroy?
(subtitle version Off to meet the queen, Sir Nerd Leroy?)
SpongeBob: Uh, my name is SpongeBob and no, I am not meeting royalty. You must be referring to my regal appearance. (gets off balance with the wig and stumbles into the corner. Everyone crowds around him and laughs) Thank you all for your kind words. I wish I could give you such nice wigs.
Jimmy: How 'bout a little off the top?
Tom: Yeah, your wig's big enough to go around.
SpongeBob: This isn't good. Everyone's getting jealous. (walks backwards towards the kitchen) Squidward, I'll be hiding in the kitchen if you need me.
Squidward: Hide your shame, SpongeBob. Hide your shame. (scene cuts to Bigshot Records)
Record Producer: Well, well, well, Ned and the Needlefish. You're fired.
Band Member #2: But why?
Record Producer: Ask Baldy McBaldyson over here.
Band Member #2: Good going, dude.
Ned: I can't help it not having hair.
Band Member #3: We formed this band, it was for one reason and one reason only: to make a lot of money. And you not having hair is getting in the way of that.
Record Producer: We are selling records not denture cream. (talking to Ned) You come back with hair or don't come back at all. (scene cuts to Krusty Krab at closing time)
Mr. Krabs: (flips OPEN sign to CLOSED) Time to go home, boys.
SpongeBob: (mopping with his wig) Almost finished. (puts the wet wig on his head. Shakes it dry and it goes back to its original shape) See, Squidward, it's functional, too.
Squidward: It's about as functional as your brain.
SpongeBob: (giggles) Thank you, Squidward.
Squidward: That wasn't a compliment. This entire town is laughing at you!
SpongeBob: I don't understand.
Squidward: (holds a mirror up to SpongeBob) Just look at yourself.
SpongeBob: Hello, handsome. (licks finger and puts it on the mirror) Tssss...
Squidward: SpongeBob, your head is twice as large as before.
SpongeBob: Hmmm, I've never been tall before.
Squidward: That wig is infested with parasites. (spiders crawl out of the wig and SpongeBob laughs)
SpongeBob: That tickles.
Squidward: Can't you see how ridiculous you look?
SpongeBob: I think that it looks cool.
Mr. Krabs': (laughs) You wouldn't know cool if I locked you in the freezer. (laughs)
SpongeBob: For your information, Mr. Krabs, Squidward has locked me in the freezer, so I think I know what cool is.
Mr. Krabs: Well, stop wearing that nasty thing to work.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: No "buts".
SpongeBob: So I can't have a wig or a but?
Mr. Krabs: No, SpongeBob, it means until you get rid of that wig, get your butt out of here! (bubble-wipe to Sandy walking up to SpongeBob’s house)
Sandy: I never got a chance to talk to SpongeBob yesterday. I was laughing too hard. (knocks on door) SpongeBob? (notices door is a little bigger) Huh?
SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy. What do you think? (looks up at his wig, which has spiders crawling out it, then looks down to SpongeBob, who is making a kiddie face)
Sandy: We need to talk. (bubble-wipe to The Reef)
SpongeBob: Why would I want to get rid of my wig? Look at how happy it makes everybody. (everyone is laughing)
Sandy: Well, it does attract a lot of attention.
SpongeBob: I know. People just can't keep their eyes off of me.
Sandy: Neither can I, SpongeBob. (they walk in to the theater. Scooter closes the door and laughs. Scene cuts to inside theater, where the movie is playing)
Martha: It's true, John, this isn't my real hair. I stole it. (takes her wig off. SpongeBob walks into the row with his wig blocking the screen. Thaddeus, Nazz and Peterson are mad)
SpongeBob: Pardon me. 'Scuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. (Peterson sticks out his leg and SpongeBob trips over it. SpongeBob gets his wig stuck in some cheese on the floor. Gets unstuck but a soda is still in the wig) Hey, the wig broke my fall. (some popcorn falls from the top of his wig) Mmm, popcorn. (eats some then takes the soda in his wig and takes a sip of it) Ah, you always come through for me.
Dale: Hey buddy, do you mind?
SpongeBob: Shhh. It's very rude to talk during a movie.
Sandy: Umm, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: You, too, Sandy. People are trying to watch the movie.
Sandy: Well, they can't look. Your stupid wig is blocking the whole screen.
Fish in Audience: Take it off, jerk!
Another Fish in Audience: Yeah, take it off!
Yet Another Fish in Audience: Hey, down in front!
SpongeBob: People, return your attention to the movie. I know my wig is glamorous and exciting, but there is no need to start a riot.
Scooter: That's a great idea! Let's start a riot. (everyone gets a pitchfork and some torches ready)
SpongeBob: Ahh! (A pair of "Get 'em!" captions are shown by Frank and Peterson)
Frank: I told you that movie was terrible. (captions read "Doorfish: I told you that movie was terrible.")
Sandy: Now do you see what I'm saying, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I guess you're right, Sandy. I got so much enjoyment out of the wig, myself, I assumed everyone else did, too.
Sandy: It's time to be strong.
SpongeBob: I know. (walks over to the edge of the cliff and takes his wig off) I just want you to know that even though I didn't know you existed a few days ago, I can't imagine life without you!
Sandy: Hurry up, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No matter what they say, you'll always be cool to me. (wig flies off) I'll never accessorize again.
Sandy: You did the right thing, SpongeBob. (scene cuts to Ned walking down the street)
Ned: Where am I gonna get some hair? My career is ruined. Ruined! (cries until the wig from before knocks him down on the ground and sticks to his head. He gasps) Can it be? It is! My wig. Yes! Victory is mine!! (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street then notices everyone wearing wigs like the one he had)
SpongeBob: Wigs. Wigs, wigs, they're everywhere!
Debbie: Oh, he's got your hair.
Shubie: Thank you.
Patrick: (without a wig on his head) SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Patrick! At least he's not wearing a wig.
Patrick: Look at my new wig. (raises his arm and the wig is attached to his armpit)
SpongeBob: Everyone's wearing wigs! Everyone! I'm starting to feel a little betrayed. Hey, you made fun of me yesterday. I thought powdered wigs were uncool.
Fish #1: Yeah, they were. But look... (points to a billboard with Ned and the Needlefish wearing the same wigs)
SpongeBob: Wow. Ned and the Needlefish, wearing my wig. So, I was cool before anyone else?
Fish #1: Yes, you were. But not anymore. See ya! (walks off)
SpongeBob: I wish I had a wig. (Patrick walks up to him)
Patrick: Don't be sad, SpongeBob. You can borrow one of mine. (rips his wig off his armpit and pits it on SpongeBob's head) Just wash it before you return it.