Episode Transcript: Rule of Dumb

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Driven to Tears Born to Be Wild

Episode Article: Rule of Dumb

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(a pink starfish in a suit walks up and knocks on Patrick's rock)

Patrick: (opens rock) Yeah?

Starfish: Good day, sir. I am...

Patrick: (gasps) I know exactly who you are! (closes rock. Cut to SpongeBob at his house, watching television with Gary)

SpongeBob: Ah, there's nothing like spending quality time with my Gar-Gar.

Lady on TV: Jason, I have to be honest. There's someone else. (grabs an elderly fish)

Man on TV: Grandpa?!

Patrick: (busts his head out of the TV screen) SpongeBob, help! He's onto me! I don't have much time! (makes a fire in SpongeBob's living room and burns some of his books)

SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing?

Patrick: I have to get rid of these books! (holds up a book named "How To Read" and burns it)

SpongeBob: Why?

Patrick: I'll show you why. (shoves SpongeBob’s face into his window looking at the pink starfish in the suit. The starfish then takes out a pocket watch) See him? He's from the library. He knows about my overdue books. (the starfish looks towards the window. SpongeBob gasps) Uh-huh. Which means I'm gonna get thrown into the big house. And you know what that means...

SpongeBob: Small portion meals?

Patrick: Exactly! (cries)

SpongeBob: Patrick, don't you worry. I got your back, man. (Bubble-wipe to later. SpongeBob approaches to the starfish outside) Hi there.

Starfish: Salutations, young one. Say, you wouldn't happen to know that starfish that lives under this rock, would you?

SpongeBob: Huh? No, I don't know any starfish. Even if I did know this "alleged" starfish, Patrick wouldn't owe any overdue library books. (covers his mouth in fright)

Starfish: (chuckles) Well, it's too bad you don't know Patrick Star, because I am from the Royal Ministry, and have a gift for him. (takes out a crown)

Patrick: (busts through SpongeBob’s wall and runs to the starfish) Ooh, what is it? (takes it and tries to bite and lick it) This is the worst-tasting gift ever!

Starfish: That's because you're suppose to wear it, not eat it. (takes the crown and puts it on Patrick's head) Allow me to show you something. (clattering) Let's see here. A-ha! (takes out a scroll) What I hold in my hands is a family tree that goes back centuries. (opens the scroll) It starts with the marriage of King Amoebe and Queen Mildew. Then, through a few inbred generations, ends at you, Sir Patrick, which makes you a descendant of royalty. You are a king. And now it's time I adjourn to the Royal Ministry, where I should be at your service. (takes off his hat) Your Highness. (bows and walks away, backwards)

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, that's great!

Patrick: What is?

SpongeBob: That you're king!

Patrick: What's a king?

SpongeBob: When you're a king, you can get anything you want.

Patrick: Anything I want? (stomach grumbles) SpongeBob, do you think we can get something to eat?

SpongeBob: (bows) Your wish is my command, your majesty. (laughs and both walk. Bubble-wipe to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on and throws flower petals) Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.

Patrick: King needs food badly.

Mr. Krabs: (slams open the door) What's this all ab... (gasps. The camera zooms into Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in Mr. Krabs' eyes, he walks up to the two) Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?

SpongeBob: The king would like...

Mr. Krabs: (shoves SpongeBob out of the way) Zip it, SquarePants! I'm talking to the rich guy.

Patrick: I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...

Mr. Krabs: (puts his arm around him) I've got a better idear. (bubble-wipe to a plateful of food on the table and Patrick chewing loudly) A buffet fit for a king!

Patrick: (slurps his soda) Tasty. (belches)

Mr. Krabs: Listen, Patrick, there comes a time in every man's life when he's got to settle down. You know, get a wife, kids, a father-in-law you give all your money to.

Patrick: Uh-huh, that sounds great. Hey, can I get a little more ketchup?

Mr. Krabs: (shows him a bill) Hows about you pay the check, instead?

Patrick: Oh sorry, Mr. Krabs, no can do. As king of Bikini Bottom, I am allowed to have anything I want. Isn't that right, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: That is correct. Anything you want, and it's all free!

Mr. Krabs: ALL FREE?! (kicks them out) Nobody eats in me restaurant for free, king or no king! (customer runs out with drink and patty)

Patrick: (stops the customer with his hand and points to the patty) Are you gonna eat that?

Fish: I was planning to, why?

Patrick: I want it. (takes the patty and the drink)

Fish: Hey! What gives you the right to take my food?!

Patrick: (drinks and eats) Tell him, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Uhh, Pat, I'm not sure this is what being king is all about.

Patrick: I thought you said I could have anything I want. Was my bestest friend lying to me?

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Don't be ridiculous, Patrick. I'd never lie to you.

Patrick: Good! Now tell him. (points to the customer)

'SpongeBob: Hi. (takes out a scroll) By proclamation of the Royal Ministry, the king is entitled to have anything he wants, whatever he wants. (chuckles weakly)

Fish: This isn't fair! (walks off)

Patrick: Life isn't fair, pal. Get used to it. (they hear another fish)

Fish #2: (holding a box of comic books) I finally did it! At long last, I've acquired issue #2 of "Wonder Space Fish", and in mint condition. (stores his newly obtained comic book in the box) Now my 40 year-old life and my comic book collection are complete. Mom's gonna be so proud of me! (bumps into Patrick)

Patrick: No, she won't be, because these comic books are mine! (takes the entire box)

Fish #2: But, I've spent my entire life collecting those...

Patrick: Yeah, well, now you can spend the rest of your life crying about it. I'm the king!

Fish #2: I will cry about it. (cries) Cry right to my mom! (cries loudly and runs off)

Patrick: (laughs triumphantly) I love being king! (bubble-wipe to the jewelry store where Patrick gets a diamond and puts it in his belly button, SpongeBob taking the lollipops from the kids and Patrick licking all of them, Patrick taking a mother's baby's pacifier, taking a plunger, a toaster, and dentures. There's now a line of people leading to Patrick's house to give him what he wants)

SpongeBob: Okay, thank you, sir. I'm sure King Patrick could use this walker. (takes it)

Elderly Fish: I hope so. Neptune knows I did. (falls over) Oof!

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob goes to Patrick's new throne room in his rock)

SpongeBob: (bows) Yes, sire?

Patrick: (slurping a drink and reading a magazine) I need your opinion on something. Do you think... (two repo men are holding a giant flat-screen TV) the giant flat-screen TV should go... (camera pans to a fancy egg display) over the fancy egg display... (camera pans to a starfish-shaped swimming pool) ...or the indoor swimming pool? (bubble-wipe to Squidward sleeping. He wakes up to birds chirping and the sun shining)

Squidward: Hello, sunshine. (chuckles then yawns as he walks over to his window) What a beautiful morning. Just perfect. (suddenly falls over from side to side in his house; Patrick is using a crane to move Squidward's house out of the way)

Patrick: Back. Back. Back. Okay. Yeah, that's good. (crane drops the house) Perfect. (Squidward climbs out of his upstairs window)

Squidward: (stuttering) My-my-my house! What's happened to my...huh? SpongeBob, Patrick. What the barnacles is going on here?! Look at what you've done! Look at my poor front yard!

Patrick: Your front yard?

SpongeBob: Umm, his royal highness is building a royal Ferris Wheel!

Squidward: (enraged) Ferris Wheel?!

SpongeBob: (clapping his hands excitedly and happily) I know! Isn't it great?!

Squidward: No, it's not great! It's horrible! Oh, that's it! Stop! People of Bikini Bottom, stop! Stop! Patrick's no king. Look at him. How can this pink blob be king?

Patrick: (he has a stupid-looking face) Uh...

Squidward: (holds onto a worker) You. Do you honestly believe that that mindless starfish can possibly be the king of anything?! (Patrick puts his hand in his mouth) King of Morons, maybe!

Worker: He might be on to something.

Squidward: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, see? Uh-huh. See? (everyone is mad at Patrick)

Worker: Why are we giving this guy all our stuff? (everyone walks off)

Squidward: (being a jerk) See? See? You're not a king. And now, they all think so, TOO!

Patrick: Seize him! Attack! (boxing bell dings) Attack! (panting) SpongeBob, get him! So I decree. Attack!

SpongeBob: Uh, right away, your majesty. Umm, Squidward?

Squidward: (teeth clenched; angrily) What?

SpongeBob: Umm, could I get you to sign this treaty promising your eternal loyalty to King Patrick?

Squidward: (takes the treaty) Give me that. A treaty, huh? (rolls it up) Well, here's what I think of your treaty! (shoves it in SpongeBob's forehead. Bubble-wipe to inside Patrick's castle where SpongeBob has the treaty stuck in his forehead)

Patrick: My royal subjects have deserted me. And it's all 'cause of that horrible Squidward. This is all his fault! His! His! Not mine, HIS! (crackling is heard from his head and a spring jumps out as well)

SpongeBob: Patrick, what's happened to you?

Patrick: I don't know what you mean.

SpongeBob: Uh... (laughs nervously) You know, Mr Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and...

Patrick: And what?

SpongeBob: Um, well...it's just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk.

Patrick: Huh? (laughs) I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power.

SpongeBob: Uh...well, I...

Patrick: WHO'S SAYING I'M ABUSING MY POWER?! (SpongeBob shrinks) I'll put the whole TOWN in prison! (tears his cape off) Questioning my authority is treason! (SpongeBob jumps out of his pants and runs off) All these kingly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink. SpongeBob? (claps twice. Snorts) SpongeBob?! Gee, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself. (walks by the mirror, and a monster is seen in Patrick's reflection)

Voice from the mirror: Knock knock.

Patrick: (gasps in delight) A "Knock-Knock" joke! (faces the mirror, only to show a hideous, monstrosity version of Patrick) Who's there?

Patrick's Reflection: You.

Patrick and His Reflection: I don't get it.

Patrick's Reflection: I am you, and you are me.

Patrick: (wires connect in his brain. Becomes frightened) What have I become?! (runs out) A monster! Monster! (runs into the starfish from earlier) Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! (hands him the crown) Here, here, take it! I don't want it anymore! It's turned me into a monster!

Starfish: Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. (puts away the crown) You haven't a clue what I just told you, do you?

Patrick: (chattering his teeth) No. Uh-uh.

Starfish: Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all. (takes out the family tree scroll)

Patrick: Huh?

Starfish: (opens the scroll) I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, (removes the coffee stain to reveal Gary on the scroll) reveals that Sir Gary is the true heir to the king's crown. (bubble-wipe to Gary having the crown put on his shell)

SpongeBob: Well, would you look at that? Gary, you're royalty!

Gary: (in delight) Maow?

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