Episode Transcript: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture

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Enemy In-Law Patrick SmartPants

Episode Article: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture

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(A green car comes driving up then stops. Kelp-Thing gets out.)

Kelp-Thing: Huh? Eh?

Narrator: It's Mermaidman! Savior of the deep! (Barnacleboy appears.)And his young fit servant, Barnacleboy.

Mermaidman: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy...unite! (Both put rings together then jump down onto Kelp-Thing's car.) Kelp-Thing, this is a posted, "No-Parking" zone.

Kelp-Thing: (Cuts to the sign, then zooms out to Kelp-Thing) But I must do what I do. (Jumps up in the air, snickering, until he notices his car is being towed.) Huh? (The word "TOWED" comes on screen. Kelp-Thing jumps down and then walks away.)

Mermaidman: Evil can't park here between the hours of 6:00am and 12:00pm! (Both raise their rings and the word "FIN" appears on-screen. The Mermaidman and Barnacleboy Fan Club is watching a video about the heroes. They now cheer.)

Club Leader: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy Fan Club members unite! (Puts fists together in air.)

All: Unite! (All put their fists together in air.)

Club Leader: And now the second order of business, Drippy Brothers Studios is currently in production of the Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie!

All (In amazement): Ooh!

SpongeBob: Oh, boy, Patrick. I can hardly wait to see our favorite heroes, on the big screen! (Patrick laughs)

Club Leader: Third order of business, the special surprise guest. (All gasp.) The stars of the Mermaidman movie are here tonight! (Everyone cheers) Directly from the set, here they are! (The curtain opens and shows the fake actors who potray Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.)

Fake Mermaidman: Hello, little heroes.

Patrick: Huh?

SpongeBob: You're not Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. You're fakes.

Fake Mermaidman: Well, of course, we are--we're actors.

SpongeBob: Actors? How can you make a Mermaid Man movie without the real Mermaidman and Barnacleboy?

Fake Mermaidman: Listen, kid, (Pokes SpongeBob with his finger)this is an action movie. You're has-been heroes are too old for action.

SpongeBob: Mermaidman is timeless!

Patrick: Yeah!

SpongeBob: I think I speak for everyone here when I say we won't stand for these two phony-baloney ruining the good name of our heroes. (The fake MermaidMan and BarnacleBoy are shocked)No right-minded Mermaidman and Barnacleboy society member would ever pay to see this...this celluloid hoax. I say we boycott this movie! Now who's with me? (SpongeBob & Patrick are thrown out of the building) Traitors! Wait till we tell Mermaidman about this. (cut to the retirement home)

Announcer: B-47. (Mermaidman scans through his "BINGO" card with his finger.)

Mermaidman: BONKO!

Barnacleboy: (Puts hand on Mermaidman) It's "Bingo".

Mermaidman: (Slaps Barnacleboy's hand away) Get your hands off me, woman!

Announcer: A-29.

SpongeBob: (Walks in angrily) "Too old for an action movie"...huh. (Walks up to Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.)

Barnacleboy: What is this time, kid?

SpongeBob: Are you aware Drippy Brothers Studios are making the Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie?

Barnacleboy: They can't be making a movie about us!

SpongeBob: But they are! And they're using...(Close-up to his mouth)actors. (Mermaidman and Barnacleboy gasps.)They have shunned our heroes.

Patrick: And they weren't nice to them either.

Mermaidman (Wailing): Now our dreams of being big screen heroes will never come true.

SpongeBob: Well, that makes it even worse.

Barnacleboy: (Puts hands on Mermaidman's back) You bet it does, kid.

Mermaidman (In sorrow): And the worst part is: I can't remember why I started crying.

Patrick: Why don't we just make our own movie?

SpongeBob: (Puts his hands on Patrick.)Patrick, once again, you have exposed your brilliance. We'll make a real Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie. Right here at Shady Shoals.

Mermaidman (Stops crying): You will?

SpongeBob: Yes! And in doing so, we will right the wrong done to you by the evil Drippy Brother Studios and...(Close-up to his mouth)their actors.

Mermaidman: (Jumps on top of the table)Vindication is ours! Vindi...(Notices that he got up to the table.)...how did I get up here? (Cuts to the Krusty Krab, with SpongeBob, Patrick, and a typewriter at a table.)

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, what do we need to start a movie?

Patrick: Popcorn?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, to start making a movie.

Patrick: Oh, oh, oh...

SpongeBob: Let's start with...the title.

Patrick: Yeah, yeah. (They both think for a title until Patrick thought up of one.)Ooh! I got one! "Adventures in the Underground City".

SpongeBob: Great, Pat, what happens?

Patrick: Well, there's a city...

SpongeBob: (Types in.)City...

Patrick: And it's underground...

SpongeBob: (Typing)Underground...

Patrick: And they have an adventure...

SpongeBob: (Typing)Adventure...

Patrick: The End.

SpongeBob: (Types in the last thing.)End. (Finishes typing) That's great, Pat. (Checks paper.)Hmm, seems kinda short.

Patrick: I have an idea. Let's make it longer!

SpongeBob: Longer, yes! Ok, let's have Mermaidman get his face shrunk by Kelp-Thing's face minimizer.

Patrick: Yeah, and then he...umm...he drinks...cheese coffee!

SpongeBob: (Laughs.) Good one, Pat! (Both laugh.)

Mr. Krabs: (Walks to table) What are ye lads doing?

SpongeBob: We're making a movie.

Mr. Krabs: Great! I got cinema's newest star, right here. (Camera pans to Pearl, who is holding a Krabby Patty.)

SpongeBob: (Looks through his fingers which make a square shape staring at Pearl. She giggles.)

Mr. Krabs: So, what do you say, lad?

SpongeBob: Sure, Mr. Krabs, Pearl can be in our movie.

Mr. Krabs: I wasn't talking about Pearl. I was talking about the Krabby Patty. (Camera zooms into the Krabby Patty held by Pearl. Camera zooms out, then Pearl burst into tears.)

SpongeBob: You can be in it, too, Pearl.

Pearl(Immediately stops crying and becomes happy.): (Singsong)I'm gonna be a movie star! (Cuts to outside Shady Shoals.)

SpongeBob: Let's meet the highly skilled professionals who will help us fulfill your dream of being on the big screen. (Camera cuts to Sandy)Sandy will handle the stunts and explosives. (Sandy holds up a bomb.)

Sandy: Howdy.

SpongeBob: (Camera pans to Pearl)Pearl is the leading lady. (Camera pans to Mr. Krabs.)Mr. Krabs will cater the affair.

Mr. Krabs: (holds up a Krabby Patty)

SpongeBob: Patrick will run the camera.

Patrick: Hey... (Leans on the camera, only to knock over the camera and gets tangled up in film roll.)

SpongeBob: This is Squidward. He's in charge of the makeup department.

Squidward: Uh, no thanks. Who wants to be the "makeup department"? (Walks away.)

SpongeBob: Not makeup department. You're the makeup artist.

Squidward: (Looks back)Artist?

SpongeBob: Makeup artist.

Squidward(In enthusiasm): In that case, let's make those old crabapples sizzle.(Looks at the heroes) Hmm... (Close-ups of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy's old, wrinkly faces) Time for the art-eest to go to work. (takes out a blowtorch and gets to work. Banging and screaming are heard. Squidward scrubs, streches, and staples their faces together, more screaming are heard.) Voila!

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Ok, places everybody. Squidward, are our heroes ready?

Squidward: As they'll ever be.

SpongeBob: (Gasps in amazement, then cuts to Mermaidman and Barnacleboy, who then appears to have their skins stretched and tied.) They're beautiful! They look just like they did 30 years ago. (Mermaidman slurping.) Ok...action! (Explosion.)

Sandy: I love my new job!

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Good job, Sandy.

Plankton: Psst...(Camera pans to Planton, who is wearing a miniture ManRay helmet.)I, ManRay, have returned from the murky depths to seek my revenge and banish your souls to the nether regions. Their defenses are strong but they are no match for my ManRay ray. (Takes out a flashlight and turns it on.)

SpongeBob: What are you doing?

Plankton: (Takes off helmet)SpongeBob, this role was made for me!

SpongeBob: That villain isn't even in this movie. But let me see if we have something that fits your qualifications. (Looks around.)Oh, here's something. (Takes microphone stand) You can be the boom operator.

Plankton: I thought Sandy was the boom operator.

Sandy: Did somebody say "Boom"? (Activates explosion.)

Plankton: All right, SpongeBob, but you're squandering my talents!

SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, start the movie!

Assistant: Take 1.

Mermaidman: We have to get back to those swollen Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Cut! No, Mermaidman, it's "STOLEN Krabby Patties."

Assistant: Take 2.

Mermaidman: We have to get back to those stolen maggie daddies.

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Cut! No, Mermaidman, it's "stolen Krabby Patties."

Assistant: Take 5,003.

Mermaidman: We have to get back to those stolen Krabby Patties! (Plankton tries to hold up the microphone.)And if we don't stop that diabolical scoundrel-(The microphone gets shoved into Mermaidman's mouth.)(Mumbles.)

Plankton: (Tries to pull back the microphone stand.)Give it back!

Barnacleboy: I knew this was a bad idea.

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Cut! (Walks up to Plankton)Plankton, next time could you keep the boom out of the shot? Other than that, you're doing a super job.

Plankton: (Drops the microphone stand)This is humiliating. I'm not good at this boom thing.

Sandy: Did somebody say "Boom"? (Activates explosion.)

Pearl (Cries): Oh, daddy, you said I was going to be a star!

Mr. Krabs: You are, Pearl. Mermaidman wouldn't be anywhere without you. (Pearl becomes happy.)Go out there and break a leg!

Pearl: Yeah! (Runs off.)

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Okay, action!

Mermaidman: (Camera pans from Kelp-Thing's hideout, to the heroes.)To the boat mobile! (Both jump on the boat mobile, which is potrayed by Pearl on her back with wheels.)

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Cue sound effects. (Pearl uses her tongue for boat engine sound effect.)

Mermaidman: Listen to that engine purr. (Assistant is straining as he tries to pull Mermaidman, Barnacleboy, and Pearl up a steep cliff with a rope.)

SpongeBob (On megaphone): Almost there! (Assistant grabs the edge of the cliff, but it breaks off, causing them to slide down and into the air. Then comes crashing down onto the set. Pearl gets off of SpongeBob.)

Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: (Looks around to see that the set is destroyed.)Everything's ruined! Well, at least we got the footage.

Patrick: Yeah, I got the footage.

SpongeBob: Patrick, what is that? (Points to camera.)

Patrick: Oh, it's a camera.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, this. (Takes off lens cap.)

Patrick: Oh, that's a lens cap.

SpongeBob: Did you just put that on?!

Patrick: Nope, I didn't want to lose it, so I put it there right before we started filming.

SpongeBob:(Screams and goes insane, crab-walks, crawls, and shoves his rear against the ground, then he lifts up piece of ground, and eats worms on bottom side. Everyone gasps. SpongeBob then cries.) The movie's ruined! We can't make a movie!

Mermaidman: Hey, little hero, this reminds me of the Episode 912. We were surrounded. The Kelp-Thing was to our right and there was broccoli on the side. But if there was one thing I remember, it's how to forget.

SpongeBob: Patrick, this is good. Roll the film. (Patrick films Mermaidman.)

Mermaidman: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the...space! The final countdown. Stick to the...stick to the...Loo, my darling! Lou! (Falls on ground.)Now get out there and finish this movie, kid. (Cut to Krusty Krab at night, where Mr. Krabs is crying at the cash register.).

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, why are you weeping?

Mr. Krabs (Whining): I closed early for your movie. Where are the paying customers? (Angry)You promised a full house!

SpongeBob: And here comes the filling! (Spongebob points to the front door, then the fan club comes rushing into the Krusty Krab.) The Mermaidman and Barnacleboy Fan Club. I knew you'd come to see the real Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie!

Club Leader: Actually, the real movie was sold out. I'll take 200 tickets, please. (Hands Mr. Krabs stack of money.)

Mr. Krabs: Now, this is what I call a happy ending. (Everyone takes a seat to watch the movie.)

Barnacleboy: (Movie starts.) Well, our big moment, us, up on the big screen. (Notices Mermaidman is sleeping.)

SpongeBob: (On-screen)(Shows a cardboard box for a building, glue bottle, and a toy boatmobile being controlled by him)Fort Lox: Home to over five billion Krabby Patties. (SpongeBob and Patrick each grab a canister popcorn while watching the movie.) What evil mastermind would dare infiltrate this fortified fort and make off with its treesure? (A piece of kelp on strings comes down with springy eye stalks.) It is I, Kelp-Thing! Do what I do!

Mermaidman: (On-screen) Stop! You can't do that-(Movie cuts for a bit.)-forbidden.

SpongeBob: (On-screen as Kelp-Thing) Watch me!

Mermaidman: Prepare to feel my wrath, you foul villain. (Sandy comes in as Mermaidman's stunt double and fights Kelp Thing. Then Mermaidman shows up on screen again.) You may have won the Krabby Patties, but the battle rages on. (Real-life crabs are fighting.) Mermaid-Man--narnacle Boy, unite! (Both put rings together. Then 'FIN' comes on-screen with a fish fin in the background. The movie ends. Everyone was disappointed, confused, and asleep.)

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Cheering)

Mermaidman: Well, kid, you showed the world that even though our steps may have been slowed, we still have a little action left in these heroic old bones. (Bends his arm, then his bone breaks.)

Barnacleboy: Well, at least some of them. (All four laugh.)


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