Episode Transcript: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture

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Enemy In-Law Patrick SmartPants

Episode Article: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(a green car comes driving up then stops. Kelp-Thing gets out)

Kelp-Thing: Huh? Eh?

Narrator: It's Mermaid Man! Savior of the deep! (Barnacle Boy appears) And his young fit servant, Barnacle Boy.

Mermaid Man: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy...unite! (both put rings together then jump down onto Kelp-Thing's car) Kelp-Thing, this is a posted, "No-Parking" zone.

Kelp-Thing: (cut to the sign. Camera zooms out to reveal Kelp-Thing) But I must do what I do. (jumps up in the air, snickering, until he notices his car is being towed) Huh? (Kelp-Thing jumps down. The word "TOWED" comes on screen. Kelp-Thing then walks away)

Mermaid Man: Evil can't park here between the hours of 6:00am and 12:00pm! (both raise their rings and the word "FIN" appears on-screen. The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club is watching a video about the heroes. They now cheer)

Club Leader: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club members unite! (puts fists together in air)

All: Unite! (all put their fists together in air)

Club Leader: And now the second order of business, Drippy Brothers Studios is currently in production of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie!

All: (in amazement) Ooh!

SpongeBob: Oh, boy, Patrick. I can hardly wait to see our favorite heroes, on the big screen! (Patrick laughs)

Club Leader: Third order of business, the special surprise guest. (all gasp) The stars of the Mermaid Man movie are here tonight! (everyone cheers) Directly from the set, here they are! (the curtain opens and reveals the fake actors who portray Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy)

Fake Mermaid Man: Hello, little heroes.

Patrick: Huh?

SpongeBob: You're not Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. You're fakes.

Fake Mermaid Man: Well, of course, we are--we're actors.

SpongeBob: Actors? How can you make a Mermaid Man movie without the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?

Fake Mermaid Man: Listen, kid, (pokes SpongeBob with his finger) this is an action movie. You're has-been heroes are too old for action.

SpongeBob: Mermaid Man is timeless!

Patrick: Yeah!

SpongeBob: I think I speak for everyone here when I say we won't stand for these two phony-baloney ruining the good name of our heroes. (the fake Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy actors are shocked) No right-minded Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy society member would ever pay to see this...this celluloid hoax. I say we boycott this movie! Now who's with me? (SpongeBob and Patrick are thrown out of the building) Traitors! Wait till we tell Mermaid Man about this. (bubble-wipe to Shady Shoals)

Announcer: B-47. (Mermaid Man scans through his "BINGO" card with his finger)

Mermaid Man: BONKO!

Barnacle Boy: (puts hand on Mermaid Man) It's "Bingo".

Mermaid Man: (slaps Barnacle Boy's hand away) Get your hands off me, woman!

Announcer: A-29.

SpongeBob: (walks in angrily) "Too old for an action movie"...huh. (walks up to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy)

Barnacle Boy: What is this time, kid?

SpongeBob: Are you aware that Drippy Brothers Studios are making the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie?

Barnacle Boy: They can't be making a movie about us!

SpongeBob: But they are! And they're using... (cut to a close-up of his mouth) actors. (Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy gasp) They have shunned our heroes.

Patrick: And they weren't nice to them either.

Mermaid Man: (crying) Now our dreams of being big screen heroes will never come true.

SpongeBob: Well, that makes it even worse.

Barnacle Boy: (puts hands on Mermaid Man's back) You bet it does, kid.

Mermaid Man: (in sorrow) And the worst part is: I can't remember why I started crying.

Patrick: Why don't we just make our own movie?

SpongeBob: (puts his hands on Patrick) Patrick, once again, you have exposed your brilliance. We'll make a real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie. Right here at Shady Shoals.

Mermaid Man: (stops crying) You will?

SpongeBob: Yes! And in doing so, we will right the wrong done to you by the evil Drippy Brother Studios and... (cut to a close-up of his mouth again) their actors.

Mermaid Man: (jumps on top of the table) Vindication is ours! Vindi... (notices that he got up to the table) ...how did I get up here? (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab, with SpongeBob, Patrick, and a typewriter at a table)

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, what do we need to start a movie?

Patrick: Popcorn?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, to start making a movie.

Patrick: Oh, oh, oh...

SpongeBob: Let's start with... the title.

Patrick: Yeah, yeah. (they both think for a title until Patrick comes up with one) Ooh! I got one! "Adventures in the Underground City".

SpongeBob: Great, Pat, what happens?

Patrick: Well, there's a city...

SpongeBob: (types it in) City...

Patrick: And it's underground...

SpongeBob: (typing) Underground...

Patrick: And they have an adventure...

SpongeBob: (typing) Adventure...

Patrick: The end.

SpongeBob: (types in the last thing) End. (finishes typing) That's great, Pat. (checks paper) Hmm, seems kinda short.

Patrick: I have an idea. Let's make it longer!

SpongeBob: Longer, yes! Ok, let's have Mermaid Man get his face shrunk by Kelp-Thing's face minimizer.

Patrick: Yeah, and then he...umm...he drinks...cheese coffee!

SpongeBob: (laughs) Good one, Pat! (both laugh)

Mr. Krabs: (walks to table) What are ye lads doing?

SpongeBob: We're making a movie.

Mr. Krabs: Great! I got cinema's newest star, right here. (camera pan to Pearl, who is holding a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob looks through his fingers, which make a square shape staring at Pearl. She giggles)

Mr. Krabs: So, what do you say, lad?

SpongeBob: Sure, Mr. Krabs, Pearl can be in our movie.

Mr. Krabs: I wasn't talking about Pearl. I was talking about the Krabby Patty. (cut to a close-up of the Krabby Patty held by Pearl. Cut back to Pearl, who bursts into tears)

SpongeBob: You can be in it, too, Pearl.

Pearl: (immediately stops crying and becomes happy; singsong) I'm gonna be a movie star! (bubble-wipe to outside Shady Shoals)

SpongeBob: Let's meet the highly skilled professionals who will help us fulfill your dream of being on the big screen. (cut to Sandy) Sandy will handle the stunts and explosives. (Sandy holds up a bomb)

Sandy: Howdy.

SpongeBob: (camera pans to Pearl) Pearl is the leading lady. (camera pans to Mr. Krabs) Mr. Krabs will cater the affair. (Mr. Krabs holds up a Krabby Patty. Camera pans to Patrick, with a film camera next to him) Patrick will run the camera.

Patrick: Hey... (leans on the camera, only to knock over the camera and get tangled up in film roll)

SpongeBob: This is Squidward. He's in charge of the makeup department.

Squidward: Uh, no thanks. Who wants to be the "makeup department"? (walks away)

SpongeBob: Not makeup department. You're the makeup artist.

Squidward: (looks back) Artist?

SpongeBob: Makeup artist.

Squidward: (in enthusiasm) In that case, let's make those old crabapples sizzle. (looks at the heroes) Hmm... (close-ups of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's old, wrinkly faces) Time for the art-eest to go to work. (takes out a blowtorch and gets to work. Banging and screaming are heard. Squidward scrubs, streches, and staples their faces together. More screaming are heard) Voila!

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) OK, places everybody. Squidward, are our heroes ready?

Squidward: As they'll ever be.

SpongeBob: (gasps in amazement. Camera cuts to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, who appear to have their skins stretched and tied) They're beautiful! They look just like they did 30 years ago. (Mermaid Man slurps) Ok...action! (Sandy pushes a handle down, and a special-effects explosion occurs)

Sandy: I love my new job!

SpongeBob : (on megaphone) Good job, Sandy.

Plankton: Psst... (Planton, who is wearing a miniature ManRay helmet, walks in) I, ManRay, have returned from the murky depths to seek my revenge and banish your souls to the nether regions. Their defenses are strong but they are no match for my ManRay ray. (takes out a flashlight and turns it on)

SpongeBob: What are you doing?

Plankton: (takes off helmet) SpongeBob, this role was made for me!

SpongeBob: That villain isn't even in this movie. But let me see if we have something that fits your qualifications. (looks around) Oh, here's something. (takes boom microphone stand) You can be the boom operator.

Plankton: I thought Sandy was the boom operator.

Sandy: Did somebody say "Boom"? (activates explosion)

Plankton: All right, SpongeBob, but you're squandering my talents!

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, start the movie! (Patrick starts filming while SpongeBob sits in a director's chair)

Assistant: (holding a clapboard) Take 1. (claps the clapboard and pulls it offscreen)

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those swollen Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "STOLEN Krabby Patties."

Assistant: Take 2. (claps the clapboard again)

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen maggie daddies.

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "stolen Krabby Patties."

Assistant: Take 5,003. (claps the clapboard for a third time)

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen Krabby Patties! (Plankton tries to hold up the boom microphone) And if we don't stop that diabolical scoundrel- (the microphone gets shoved into Mermaid Man's mouth. Mumbles)

Plankton: (tries to pull back the boom microphone) Give it back!

Barnacle Boy: I knew this was a bad idea.

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Cut! (walks up to Plankton) Plankton, next time could you keep the boom out of the shot? Other than that, you're doing a super job.

Plankton: (drops the boom microphone) This is humiliating. I'm not good at this boom thing.

Sandy: Did somebody say "Boom"? (activates explosion)

Pearl: (cries) Oh, daddy, you said I was going to be a star!

Mr. Krabs: You are, Pearl. Mermaid Man wouldn't be anywhere without you. (Pearl becomes happy) Go out there and break a leg!

Pearl: Yeah! (runs off)

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Okay, action!

Mermaid Man: (cut to Kelp-Thing's hideout. Camera pans down to the heroes) To the boat mobile! (both jump on the boat mobile, which is portrayed by Pearl on her back with wheels)

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Cue sound effects. (Pearl uses her tongue for boat engine sound effect)

Mermaid Man: Listen to that engine purr. (assistant is straining as he tries to pull Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, and Pearl up a steep cliff with a rope)

SpongeBob: (on megaphone) Almost there! (assistant grabs the edge of the cliff, but it breaks off, causing them to slide down and into the air. Then they come crashing down onto the set. Pearl gets off of SpongeBob)

Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: (looks around to see that the set is destroyed)Everything's ruined! Well, at least we got the footage.

Patrick: Yeah, I got the footage.

SpongeBob: Patrick, what is that? (points to camera)

Patrick: Oh, it's a camera.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, this. (takes off lens cap)

Patrick: Oh, that's a lens cap.

SpongeBob: Did you just put that on?!

Patrick: Nope, I didn't want to lose it, so I put it there right before we started filming.

SpongeBob:(screams and goes insane, crab-walks, crawls, and shoves his rear against the ground. Lifts up a piece of the ground, and eats worms on the bottom. Everyone gasps. SpongeBob then cries) The movie's ruined! We can't make a movie!

Mermaid Man: Hey, little hero, this reminds me of the Episode 912. We were surrounded. The Kelp-Thing was to our right and there was broccoli on the side. But if there was one thing I remember, it's how to forget.

SpongeBob: Patrick, this is good. Roll the film. (Patrick films Mermaid Man)

Mermaid Man: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the...space! The final countdown. Stick to the...stick to the...Loo, my darling! Lou! (falls on ground) Now get out there and finish this movie, kid. (bubble-wipe to Krusty Krab at night, where Mr. Krabs is crying at the cash register)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, why are you weeping?

Mr. Krabs: (crying) I closed early for your movie. Where are the paying customers? (angrily) You promised a full house!

SpongeBob: And here comes the filling! (points to the front door. The fan club comes rushing into the Krusty Krab) The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club. I knew you'd come to see the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie!

Club Leader: Actually, the real movie was sold out. I'll take 200 tickets, please. (hands Mr. Krabs stack of money)

Mr. Krabs: Now, this is what I call a happy ending. (cut to the movie starting on a screen, with benches for seating near the screen. Everyone is sitting down to watch the film)

Barnacle Boy: Well, our big moment, us, up on the big screen. (notices Mermaid Man is sleeping)

SpongeBob: (in the movie, a cardboard box for a building, glue bottle, and a toy boatmobile being controlled by SpongeBob are shown) Fort Lox: Home to over five billion Krabby Patties. (SpongeBob and Patrick each grab a canister popcorn while watching the movie) What evil mastermind would dare infiltrate this fortified fort and make off with its treasure? (a piece of kelp on strings comes down with springy eye stalks) It is I, Kelp-Thing! Do what I do!

Mermaid Man: (on-screen) Stop! You can't do that- (movie cuts for a bit) -forbidden.

SpongeBob: (on-screen as Kelp-Thing) Watch me!

Mermaid Man: Prepare to feel my wrath, you foul villain. (Sandy comes in as Mermaid Man's stunt double and fights Kelp Thing. Then Mermaid Man shows up on screen again) You may have won the Krabby Patties, but the battle rages on. (real-life crabs are fighting) Mermaid-Man- (movie cuts again) -narnacle Boy, unite! (both put rings together. Then 'FIN' comes on-screen with a fish fin in the background. The movie ends. Almost everyone is disappointed, confused, and/or asleep. SpongeBob and Patrick, however, are cheering)

Mermaid Man: Well, kid, you showed the world that even though our steps may have been slowed, we still have a little action left in these heroic old bones. (bends his arm. His bone breaks)

Barnacle Boy: Well, at least some of them. (all four laugh)

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