Episode Transcript: Once Bitten
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Episode Article: Once Bitten
(scene opens to clams flying by as Squidward opens his door with his bathing suit on)
Squidward: What a sun-tastic day! (slips into some water) Snail trail. <(notices Gary crawling into SpongeBob’s house) That SpongeBob needs to keep his pet out of my yard. (Gary looks through one of the windows at Squidward, whop mops up Gary's trail) I am sick of cleaning up after him.
Gary: Meow. (crawls off some rocks with eyes)
Squidward: Not my pet rock collection. (stammers) That's it! (talking to Gary) This isn't the first time you've soiled my yard with your revolting excretions. But mark this down in your little notebook: it will be the last time! (scene cuts to Squidward putting sharp, giant sticks into the ground around his house. He gets a splinter) This cheap, splintering wood will keep even Gary out. (scene cuts to Squidward surrounded by barbed-wire and the giant wood) Now, I feel safe. (Gary's trail drops on Squidward's head as we see Gary climb up on a giant stick of wood jumping to another giant stick of wood) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: (calmly) Hey, SpongeBob. (yelling) Keep your shell vermin off of my property! The next time, my annoyingly yellow neighbor, your wet pet oozes on my lawn, you leave me no choice but to call Snail Control. That little monster... (Gary bites Squidward's bottom) He bit me!
SpongeBob: Gary! (picks up Gary) No, dirty boy. This isn't like you.
Squidward: Oh, but it's just like you, SpongeBob, to raise such a misbehaved mutt.
SpongeBob: (sets Gary on the ground) Gary's not misbehaved. (growls and foams at the mouth) But there does appear to be something wrong with him.
Squidward: I'll say. I hope he had his shots.
SpongeBob: Oh, of course.
Squidward: All of his shots?
Squidward: For rabies?
Squidward: Snail pox and soft shell dance?
Squidward: Bagitis, lumpy-bump trump, teen angst?
SpongeBob: Yup, yup, yup.
Patrick: Well, let's not forget the worst of them all: Mad Snail Disease.
Patrick: You mean your pet hasn't been vaccinated for mad snail disease? (to Squidward) Looks like the rash has already started.
Patrick: Tell me, do you have any soreness of throat?
Squidward: (gulp) Well, now that you mention it, my throat is a little dry.
Patrick: This disease will ravage your body with bloodshot eyes, loss of balance, messy pants, ticklish rib cage, severely untrimmed toenails, and finally, the bite from that infected snail will turn you into...a zombie. (Squidward screams) You need to get that snail of yours to a doctor before he bites someone important. (both notice Gary is gone and gasp) There's a mad snail on the loose! (runs away screaming)
SpongeBob: Gary? Gary? Gary? Gary?!
Patrick: (runs up to a couple) That mad snail is coming! If he bites you, you'll turn into a zombie.
Fish: Jeepers, what's with all the lunatics? (Gary crawls up)
Fish's Wife: Oh look, honey, isn't he the cutest? (Gary is panting)
Fish: Come here, little buddy. (pet's Gary) He's just adorable.(Gary bites the fish) Mad snail disease is real! I'm a zombie. I've been bitten by a mad snail. I've got mad snail disease!
Fish #2: Then I've got it! A snail just bit me, too! (both scream. Fish #1 runs by a group of fish. The group of fish look at their hands and scream)
A. Realistic Fish: We interrupt this program to bring you a news blast. Terror in a shell. This just in...fear and disease is spreading like wildfire as a killer snail has been biting the denizens of Bikini Bottom infecting them with...mad snail disease. Ask any old fish on the street and they'll tell you that germs enter through the bite radius, traveling upstream until the entire host body is full of...mad snail disease. We now take you to Action News Reporter Perch Perkins live on the scene.
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here with the first victim of this epidemic. (to Squidward) Tell me Mr. Tentacles, when did you first begin to suspect that you were a zombie?
Squidward: Well, after I was bitten by a mad snail, I began to get a rash; followed by loss of balance, ticklish rib cage, and a few other symptoms.
Fish #3: Hey, I was bitten by a snail. I kinda feel off balance. (falls over) Whoa.
Perch Perkins: Hey, I have ticklish rib cage, too. And I haven't even been bitten.
Fish #3: Oh no, it's spreading through the air! (all scream)
Perch Perkins: Well, you heard it here first. We're all doomed to a horrible demise. Thanks to a diseased snail. (screams. Scene zooms out to show SpongeBob and group of fish watching a TV then screaming)
SpongeBob: (after watching a TV in a store, everyone is running around) Gary? (traffic jam sends a bunch of fish out of their boats and running on foot) I can't believe that sweet and slimy snail would cause all this destruction.
Squidward: (moaning) I'm a zombie, here to dine on your squishy yellow flesh. (many fish are moaning and walking like zombies. SpongeBob screams and gets into a bus. The bus drives around then stops and lets him out on the opposite side he was on. He screams more and runs to the Krusty Krab) It's locked! (zombies are coming closer) Somebody let me in! (bangs on the doors)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, come in, boy. And bring your friends in, too. They look hungry. (puts key into lock)
Frank (Cameo Character): Stop! You can't let anyone in!
Mr. Krabs: But they just want to dine on some Krabby Patties.
Frank (Cameo Character): They're zombies. They only want to dine on our flesh.
Mr. Krabs: Arrgh, alright, but it's coming out of your paycheck.
Frank (Cameo characer): I don't work here.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, it's me, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: But how do we know you haven't become one of those voracious flesh-eaters?
SpongeBob: Could a voracious flesh-eater do this? (slips through the crack of the door)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, it's you.
SpongeBob: That's right. So let me in before I'm eaten!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, that's SpongeBob all right.
Patrick: Or is it?
Patrick: I don't believe that's the real SpongeBob. He looks pretty zombie-fied. Just look at how yellow he is.
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, would a zombie have a picture of his best buddy in his wallet? (shows picture)
Patrick: Perhaps not but I have my eye on you.
Elderly Fish: If you could pull out your eye and put it on him, wouldn't that make you a zombie, too?
Patrick: You're right. (alarmed) I'm a zombie!
Elderly Fish: Who's to say we're not all zombies? (all run around screaming)
Gary: Meow. (slithers out of the kitchen)
All: The snail!
SpongeBob: Gary! Are you ok, buddy? Come here, boy.
Fish #3: No, don't get near it. Oh, the pity of it all.
Lady Fish: I can't watch.
SpongeBob: All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail. (rubs his shell. Gary bites SpongeBob) Gary... (sniffling) how could you?
Fish #3: SpongeBob’s been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
All: (angry shouting. Citizens grab their torches and nets) Yeah!
SpongeBob: No, don't hurt him.
Fish #3: Hand over the snail.
Mr. Krabs: It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No, I won't let you touch Gary.
Fish #3: (grabs SpongeBob) Stop the madness, man. The Mad Snail Disease ends now. Seize the snail!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Halt! Did someone say 'Mad Snail Disease'? Is that what all this is about?
Patrick: Yeah. What do you know about it?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Funny you should ask. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Gill Gilliam. S.D.E. and S.E.
SpongeBob: S.D.E. and S.E.?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Snail disease expert and snail expert. I'm sorry to break this to you all, but that 'mad snail disease' you're talking about, it doesn't exist.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: That's right. No such thing. It's an old urban legend. A myth.
Patrick: Well, does that mean we're not zombies?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Of course not. No one is. It's just mass hysteria.
Blue Fish: But what about my severely untrimmed...
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Those are only moderately untrimmed. All the supposed symptoms are just common ailments.
SpongeBob: (holding Gary back) Easy boy. But what about Gary then? If he doesn't have a disease, why'd he bite all those people, including me?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: (examines Gary) Hmmm...mm-hmm. The problem's right here. (a splinter is stuck in Gary) He's got a little splinter in his foot. (removes the splinter. Gary is relieved. Zoom back to show the splinter is a giant stick) I'm sure this was the cause of his distemper making for Serious Grouchy Snailitis.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I knew you weren't disease-ridden. You still love me?
Gary: Meow. (SpongeBob laughs)
SpongeBob: Good ol' Gary's back. (Squidward enters Krusty Krab as a zombie) Say, Squidward? You're not zombie, remember?
Squidward: Oh, yes I am. (customer walks up to order) Welcome to the Krusty Krab. Can I take your order?
Mr. Krabs: All's well that ends well. (Gary bites Mr. Krabs)
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