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Episode Transcript: Skill Crane
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Episode Article: Skill Crane
(episode begins outside the Krusty Krab. A man is knocking on the doors)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a suit wants to come in before we open.
Mr. Krabs: What? Guy in a suit? No, it's a tax collector! (jumps inside SpongeBob) Hide us, SpongeBob! (takes the register in with him) We'll just walk nonchalantly to the rear exit. (man knocks on the door again but holding up a business card up)
Squidward: He's got a card. (reading business card) R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending Supplies.
Mr. Krabs: (opening SpongeBob's mouth) What? My machine has arrived?! (opens SpongeBob by his mouth painfully and getting out) Oh, let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in.
R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in, boys. (the workers bring in a big machine covered with a cloak)
Mr. Krabs: That's it, set her down easy. (putting it down)
R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are the keys, Mr. Krabs. Happy vending! (walks off)
Squidward: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the Krabby Patty. Gentlemen, meet skill crane. (pulls off the cloak revealing a grab machine with toys in it)
SpongeBob: Ooh, skill crane.
Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing will pay for itself in no time. Which reminds me, step up boys. First one's free. (takes out two golden coins)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. (takes coin)
Squidward: No thanks, I'll pass.
Mr. Krabs: Come on Squidward, you know you want to.
Squidward: (sighs) OK, if you insist. (takes coin, puts it in his pocket and walks away) Thanks.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the machine.
Squidward: (walks to the machine) Alright, alright. (puts coin in machine and moves crane) Oh boy, what fun. (crane almost pulls out a dinosaur)
Skill Crane: (a two-note "wah-wah" tune is played along with the sound of laughter over a speaking voice while "YOU LOSE!" is shown) You lose.
Squidward: Did you see that, SpongeBob? I almost got that on my first try!
Mr. Krabs: My work here is done. (leaves)
Squidward: They don't call me "Squidward 'Manual Dexterity' Tentacles" for nothing. (moves his tentacles up and down and SpongeBob imitates him)
SpongeBob: Well, why don't I give it a try.
Squidward: Haha, good luck. You'll...
Skill Crane: (a "ta-da" tune is played along with the sound of sirens while "WINNER!" is shown) Winner!
SpongeBob: It's a bear! I'm gonna call you 'Beary'.
Squidward: Heh, beginner's luck. Now it's the masters turn. (puts another coin in and grabs a toy cat. He presses the button and the crane pulls it up but drops it)
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the "YOU LOSE!" sound again over the voice) Loser.
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you flipped him over. That takes an awful amount of skill.
Squidward: Well thank you for saying so.
SpongeBob: Beary says he's getting lonely. Don't worry Beary I'll get you a friend. (enters a coin in the skill crane)
Squidward: Ha! If you think you're winning that thing again...
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the "WINNER!" sound again) Winner!
SpongeBob: There ya go, Beary. (gives the toy cat to him)
Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up for you. You would've never won that without my skill.
SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your help, Squidward. (walks off)
Squidward: Hmph. I bet I could win at this thing the very next time I try. Now all I have to do is... (thought bubble with Mr. Krabs in it appears above Squidward as he frowns in recalling)
Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing pays for itself in no time.
Squidward: Ha! I'm not falling for that malarkey. (points at the skill crane and smugly walks off. Bubble-wipe to later in the day. Squidward is behind the register)
SpongeBob: (we hear the sirens from the skill crane's "WINNER!" sound from offscreen. SpongeBob walks by with a toy blue sea horse from the skill crane) Hey, Squidward. (skill crane makes the sound of a winner again. SpongeBob walks by with a rabbit from the skill crane) Hey, Squidward. (same sound as before is heard. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed pink sea serpent from the skill crane) Hey, Squidward. (laughing from the kitchen) Okay, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Beary cooked this one all by himself. Oh, he makes me so proud.
Skill Crane: (distinct scratchy voice) Squid-ward. (crane swings back and forth to say "hi") Squid-ward.
Squidward: (sighs) Oh, what the...? Alright. Let's get this over with. (reaches in his pockets to get some coins and grabs a dollar)
Mr. Krabs: Need some change? (takes Squidward's dollar and gives him four coins in exchange) There ya are.
Squidward: Gee, thanks.
Mr. Krabs: No, no Mr. Squidward. Thank you. (Squidward inserts coin in machine)
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the sound of a loser offscreen) You lose.
Mr. Krabs: Need some more change? (gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on losing over and over, dollar after dollar)
Skill Crane: (skill crane once again makes the sound of a loser offscreen) You lose.
Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
Mr. Krabs: What? Why?
Squidward: Because...I'm...all...out...of... (yells in Mr. Krabs' face) MONEY!!
Mr. Krabs: All out of...? Hmmm. (bubble-wipe to sometime later. Krabs comes out of his office) Boys, it's payday.
SpongeBob: (gasps) But Mr. Krabs, today is Monday.
Mr. Krabs: What the...no, it's payday me boy. (gives him money) Here's your check, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (leaves) Money, money, money, money, money, money.
Mr. Krabs: I took the liberty of turning your paycheck into quarters. Just in case you wanna, oh I dunno, do laundry, buy a soda or something. (grins)
Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I can't win one of those stupid things with this quarter, (holds up a quarter) I'm walking away. (time card appears)
French Narrator: Six hours later... (Squidward is sitting on ground with empty bag over his head. SpongeBob walks in)
SpongeBob: Pardon me, Squidward. SpongeBear Junior here wants me to win him a little brother. (Squidward scoots to the side while SpongeBob inserts a coin into the machine)
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the sound of a winner) You are a winner! (a toy clown fish and duckling come out)
SpongeBob: Two in one quarter? That's not fair. (puts in the clown fish) What's that, 'frown clown'? You'd rather sit next to the 'lovely lion'? (takes the crane and moves a toy octopus and puts the toy clown fish in the middle of a toy lion and pig) There you are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward.
Squidward: (scoots out. Bubble-wipe to Squidward scooting his way into his house. Sits on his couch) A little mind-numbing television ought to help me forget about that stupid machine. (tries to pick up the remote but every time he tries, he is unsuccessful and it makes a "loser" sound like the skill crane. Uses his eye instead) Ye-ahh! (sinks to the floor. Bubble-wipe to Squidward now in bed) You had a rough day, Squiddy. But that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better. (tries to pull his covers but he can't and they make sounds of the loud alarm like the skill crane) Ooh, phooey! (shivers and tries to pick up the glass of water by his bed but drops it and breaks it as it makes another alarm sound) I gotta win that crane! (runs through his closet door and gets the piggy bank who sniffs a tear. Bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab sometime later. SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab and freaks out at what he sees when he enters. Squidward is on the floor with his arms on the crane like bowing and begging) Just once! Please, oh please, let me win one time!
SpongeBob: Squid, I think you have a problem.
Mr. Krabs: No, he doesn't. You don't listen to him, Squidward. You keep playing until you win! (takes out hundreds of quarters that were put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A piece of rolled paper drops into the bucket) What's this?
Squidward: The deed to my house.
Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, then. Carry on.
Squidward: Oh! (sobs) If I can just win once, I'd never play again! (continues sobbing)
SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you the secret of how to win on this machine?
Squidward: (gasps) SpongeBob, there's a secret?
Squidward: Tell me the secret.
SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a winner?
Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?!
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward, OK. I face the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my eyes.
Squidward: Close your eyes?
SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I'm being the crane.
Squidward: Oh, that's ludi--
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the sound of a winner) Winner!
SpongeBob: See? Now you try.
Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I close my eyes, how will I know where the...
SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win or not?
Squidward: (presses face against machine) Yes, yes, I do!
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward, put your quarter in.
Squidward: But this is my last quarter.
SpongeBob: In the machine, Squidward.
SpongeBob: Close your eyes. (Squidward does) Now be the crane. (while SpongeBob is telling him this, Squidward is playing the game and getting a brown bear) Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane.
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the sound of a winner) Winner!
Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I could do it. I'm a winner!
SpongeBob: You're a winner!
Squidward: I am a winner, aren't I? Winner, winner, winner! (twirls) Wi-i-i-i-i-inner. (over loudspeaker) I'm a winner everybody! you hear that?! (cricket chirps due to the empty restaurant. Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs' office) I'm...a winner.
Mr. Krabs: (frowns) That's funny. Last I checked, you were a cashier.
Squidward: Yuk it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just remember, you're yukking in the presence of a winner! Ha! (runs out and slams door)
Mr. Krabs: I'll try to remember that. 3,498 of Squidward's quarters...3,499 of Squidward's quarters...
SpongeBob: Triple decker, on deck.
Squidward: (slams door in SpongeBob's face) Make way for the winner! (door opens to SpongeBob having the triple decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion. Cut to a child at the skill crane)
Skill Crane: (skill crane makes the sound of a loser) You lose. (kid sighs)
Squidward: You didn't win the prize?
Squidward: You know what that means?
Billy: No, what?
Squidward: It means you have no skills and you're a loser! (laughs) I'm the winner, see my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries! (laughs. Billy kicks Squidward in the leg) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (continues "ow"ing. Bubble-wipe to Squidward and SpongeBob walking out the Krusty Krab) Did you see how I handled that crane?
SpongeBob: I sure did.
Squidward: I just closed my eyes and became the crane. (SpongeBob is becoming irritated)
Squidward: I think I had the magic touch.
SpongeBob: (boringly) Oh, yeah, you're the man.
Squidward: SpongeBob, look. (a real crane is just a few yards away. Squidward runs to it)
SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward I don't think the same principles apply.
Squidward: Be the crane.
SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. (picks up an I-beam)
SpongeBob: He did it. Yay, Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the...
Construction Worker: You know this guy?
SpongeBob: Yeah, that's Squidward. He's got the magic touch. (pokes the construction worker) Ding. (Squidward knocks a bunch of buildings in the "Your New Mall" over with the I-beam) Tada! (notices the mess as the workers look in furious frustration) Ah! Squidward, open your eyes!
Squidward: (opens eyes) Oh, uhh, be the crane. Be the crane. (cannot control crane and he ends up waving the I-beam and smashes away the construction workers by the beam. The crane charges uncontrollable towards SpongeBob) Look out, SpongeBob. I can't stop! (crane chases after SpongeBob and the workers as SpongeBob runs with his eyes after gasping) Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Okay, don't be the crane! Don't be the crane! (crane spins around fast holding the beam like a helicopter. Screams as he is spun around in the crane. The workers and SpongeBob scream as they rush to safety. The crane flies off a hill and heads towards the Krusty Krab as the workers duck inside the restaurant. The crane crashes into the Krusty Krab destroying it)
Mr. Krabs: What the?!
Squidward: (walks out when trying to flee) Oh my. Oh my. Time to go, Teddy. (bumps into large construction worker as the other workers surround him)
Construction Worker: Just where do you think you're going, crane master?
Construction Worker #2: You ain't going anywhere. (they prepare to beat up Squidward but notice the crane claw fly down. SpongeBob is in the crane closing his eyes.
SpongeBob: (whistles) Hang on, buddy. I got ya. (uses crane to get Squidward but instead gets his bear) I guess I can only pick up toys. (the construction workers growl as they prepare to beat Squidward up)