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Episode Transcript: No Hat for Pat
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Episode Article: No Hat for Pat
Characters
- SpongeBob
- Patrick (The Falling Fool)
- Mr. Krabs
- Squidward
- Nat Peterson
- Harold
- Shubie
- Billy (Teenager)
- Fred (Blue version)
- The Pink Fish
- Tom
- Tourists
Dialogue
[SpongeBob trying to open the door, but Patrick is sleeping outside and blocking his door. SpongeBob tries to push the door, he opens the door slightly, looks at Patrick] SpongeBob: Patrick! [SpongeBob closes the door, Patrick's head falls down, which makes Patrick wake up] SpongeBob: What are you doing out here, silly? Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away. [grumbles] Barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat, again! Every time you wear that stupid thing, you're gone for the whole day! SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work. Patrick: Why don't you just take it off? SpongeBob: [laughs] I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy. Patrick: Ugh! I hate that hat! [Patrick throws SpongeBob's hat, but it flies back onto SpongeBob's head] Fine, have it your way, hat! [Squidward walks out] Hmph. Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward! Squidward: What? [puts on hat] Patrick: Oh no! He's got the hat, too! SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can play then. Patrick: I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job and a hat! [Cuts to the Krusty Krab, where a kid is adding ketchup to his fries] Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, that's enough, lad. What do ya think, I'm made of ketchup? Now run along, boy. [Notices a group of tourists] That sounds like... a band of roaming tourists. [Runs out of the Krusty Krab] Wait, come back! Don't ya wanna give me your money?! They're a slippery bunch. What do I have to do to catch 'em, stand around out here all day? [Notices Patrick] What are you doing there, Patrick? Patrick: Standin' around out here all day. [Mr. Krabs gets an idea] Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, Patrick? Patrick: Oh boy, gimme my hat! Mr. Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first you have to entice people into the restaurant by standin' right here and holdin' this sign. [Mr. Krabs hands Patrick an arrow-shaped sign saying "The Krusty Krab"] That's not to tough for ya, is it boy? Patrick: Sounds complicated, but if it gets me a work hat. [Holds up the sign] How's this? Mr. Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearin' that hat in no time at all. [From inside the Krusty Krab] Hee hee hee. SpongeBob: What's shakin' Mr. K? Mr. Krabs: You're buddy Patrick. I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign. SpongeBob: Oh, he is good. Mr. Krabs: And look. He's about reel in his first customer. Harold: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab please? [Patrick holds the sign so it's pointing at the Chum Bucket. Harold runs into the Chum Bucket.] Mr. Krabs: What does he think he's doing?! [Multiple fish walk past Patrick] They're walkin' right past him. [Runs outside to Patrick] Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy. Patrick: Okay. [Hits a fish in the head with the sign] Mr. Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something. [Spins the sign, causing it to fly out of Patrick's hands. Hands the sign back to Patrick] Just keep workin' on that one, eh boy? Listen, if any tourists come by, why don't you blow them away with a little extra twirl. Patrick: Any thing for my new hat. [Patrick sees tourists approaching, so he spins the sign very fast, causing the tourists and Mr. Krabs to be blown away] Patrick: Do I get my hat, now Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: Ehhh... what the heck. It pays to advertise. [Gives Patrick a Krusty Krab hat] Patrick: Yeah! Wheeee! [Then Patrick falls on his face, gets back up and falls down again] Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the matter with Patrick? SpongeBob: Patrick, what's the matter? Patrick: Sometimes when I'm nervous, I forget how to stand! SpongeBob: He's nervous. Blue Fish: Ha ha! Look at that guy! He can't even stand on his own two feet! Pink Fish: Now that's something I'd pay for to watch! [Mr. Krabs looks at them, then neck stretches out over to them] Mr. Krabs: You mean, CASH money?! Pink Fish: Well, heck, yeah! Mr. Krabs: Five bucks. [Bubble transition. Patrick falls and everybody is laughing and cheering] Squidward: It's official. [everyone is still laughing] I hate everyone. [Patrick falls into the kitchen] You call that entertainment? Brace yourself for true entertainment! [plays on clarinet] SpongeBob: Patrick, you alright? Patrick: I'm fine. Pink Fish: Oh, that horrible noise! [customers begin to leave] Mr. Krabs: What do you think you're doing, Squidward? Squidward: I'm entertaining those heathens. Mr. Krabs: We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much! [points to Patrick, but he's not there] Hey, where'd he go? SpongeBob: [guiding Patrick, who has tissue in his nose] That's buddy. Come on. Mr. Krabs: What's with him? SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was going to walk him home. Mr. Krabs: A bloody nose, eh? Do ya think I was born yesterday, boy? He doesn't even have a nose. Now everybody, get back to work! I'm Not Working Running A Happy Factory Here [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick get back into there positions. to Patrick] keep up the good work! Patrick: Aye, aye, captain! Narrator: Six hours later. [Patrick is still falling and three customers are watching as Billy passes by] Billy: Hey, is that guy still flopping? Customer: Yeah! Amazing isn't it? Billy: Doesn't that get old? Customer: He's got a point. Let's get out of here. Billy: Me too, i'm out. [everyone's leaving] Mr Krabs: Hey! What's going on? Harold: This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! Mr. Krabs: You want excitement? Well, what if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box and he falls from it] Billy: Sort of the same thing, really. Mr. Krabs: Well, what if he fell from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into cream pie? [puts creme pie in place] Patrick: I like pie. Billy: Say, that sounds great! [crowd becomes excited] Mr. Krabs: Okay, let er rip! [Patrick falls headfirst into the pie. to Squidward] If the crowd gets bored, add more boxes! Squidward: Whatever. SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick... How are you feeling after your first day on the job? Patrick: [appearance morbidly disheveled] I feel like a million BUCKS... [falls over] SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! [Patrick mumbles incoherently] OK, that's it! No best friend of mine is going to suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr Krabs can make a quick buck. I'm going to go have a talk with him right - Patrick: [Grabs SpongeBob] No! P-please, don't tell Mr Krabs! You don't understand. For years people have been telling me, “You're no good!” Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! [He cries] SpongeBob: OK, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing. Patrick: What's that, pal? SpongeBob: Just be careful, hm? Patrick: [Hugs him] Thanks pal. [Cut to SpongeBob walking to work] SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. [Enters the Krusty Krabs, where Mr Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone] Mr. Krabs: SEE THE PART TIME MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYEE FALL ATOP THIS TOWER INTO THIS BUCKET OF SPINY SEA URCHINS! Sandals: This should be good. SpongeBob: PATRICK! Patrick: [Being hauled to top of the platform] Hey SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, you can't let him do this, he might get hurt! Mr. Krabs: It's OK, boy, he signed a waiver. [Shows it to him] Is he ready, Mr Squidward? Squidward: Ready! Mr. Krabs: OK! Get back, boy, you wouldn’t want to stain your uniform. Patrick: Hey, good idea. Hey, Squidward, could you hold me hat so it won't get hurt? [gives hat to Squidward] Thanks buddy. Mr. Krabs: Ready, Patrick? Patrick: Ready! [Prepares to dive from the platform] SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch! [Sponge-Bob cries and Harold's fin gets ruined with green paint] Harold: Hey, ew! [tries to fall several times, fails] Mr. Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here! Patrick: I'm trying! [tries to fall several times, fails again] Patrick: Argh, I think I'm stuck! Mr. Krabs: Stuck? Well if that don't … [Mumbles angrily and climbs a ladder to the platform] What's the hold up, Mr Squidward? Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat. Mr. Krabs: Patrick, why have you stopped falling? Patrick: I dunno, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: Well you'd better figure it out. These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation. Now make with the cods-wallop, pal, understand? Patrick: Uh huh. Mr. Krabs: Don't make me come back here. Patrick: Hey, Squidward, d'you think you could, uh, you know … [Mimes pushing] Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. OK, I'll do it! [He charges at Patrick but misses and falls] Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! Oh, my hat. Gotcha! All right, back where you beloooong, aaaah! [Grabs hat puts it on and falls]. Harold: Great, we get to see two for the price of one! Mr. Krabs: I don't think so. Harold: Fine. [Pays Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs: Thank you. Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling! Squidward: Oh, I'm so happy for you! Patrick: I figured it out; it's the hat that makes me fall, it makes me top heavy! [They crash into the urchin bucket] SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time! Nat: I paid to see two guys get maimed. Harold: Yeah, I want a refund. Mr. Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. [customers grumble] Hold on there, what's the big idea? [Customers tear up his clothes and money flies in the air] Grandma, help! [he is in his underwear] All right, you leave me no choice. Patrick: You're giving me a raise. Mr. Krabs: Not even close, you're fired. As long as I'm still standing, you will never wear this hat again! SpongeBob: Patrick, you OK? Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to being to no hat pat! [cries] Narrator: Epilogue. SpongeBob: [Walking home with Patrick] It's OK, Patrick, not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want. Patrick: Really? SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal. [gives Patrick his hat] Patrick: [He puts it on and falls over and falls] Thanks, SpongeBob! You're the best! SpongeBob: Anytime, pal! Anytime!
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