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Transcript: Squidward Chat
Show Article: Squidward Chat
[edit] Cast and Crew
- Squidward Tentacles - Host
- SpongeBob SquarePants - Sound Man
- Patrick Star - Camera Man
- Eugene H. Krabs - to promote the Krusty Krab whether Squidward wants him to or not
- Sandy Cheeks - to dance whether Squidward likes it or not
- Pearl Krabs - to perform her "way cool cheer routine" whether Squidward likes it or not
- Sheldon J. Plankton - to shoot at things, including Mr. Krabs, with his death ray and promote the Chum Bucket whether Squidward wants him to or not
- Larry the Lobster and the citizens of Bikini Bottom - to ruin the show for Squidward, thinking that he’s having a housewarming
[edit] Dialogue
(show begins with the "Bikini Bottom Public Access Presents" card, music and all)
News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents... (cut to a purple card with Squidward on it. Next to him is a red-orange-ish speech bubble with the teal-ish words "SQUiDWARD CHAT" on it. A jazzy tune plays throughout) Squidward Chat with your host, Squidward Tentacles. (cut to Squidward sitting at a table in his house. His couch, serving as a bench, is placed to the left)
Squidward: Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat. Today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart: underappreciated artists... (points to himself) ...like myself.
(SpongeBob runs to Squidward’s house after seeing Squidward Chat on television)
SpongeBob: Squidward! You’re on TV! (Squidward frowns) No really, Squidward! Come look!
Squidward: I know I’m on TV! See the camera?! You’re on TV too! (SpongeBob smiles)
SpongeBob: TV? (leaves happily)
Squidward: Moron! As I was saying...today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing--
Patrick: Wow! (SpongeBob enters with Patrick)
SpongeBob: So I went to tell Squidward that he was on TV, and he told me I was on TV and now you're on TV!
Patrick: I’m on TV?! (rushes back to his house. On Squidward Chat, Squidward is at his desk, with SpongeBob sitting in the couch next to him)
Squidward: (glaring) This isn’t happening!
Patrick: (rushes back into Squidward’s house) SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn’t on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?
Squidward: (annoyingly) Patrick...just how dumb are you?
Patrick: It varies?
Squidward: If you want to be on TV...you have to be in front of the camera!
Patrick: OHHHH...I get it! (rushes to the television camera being used to record the show) Hi TV people! (shows his mouth to the camera. Squidward Chat is promptly -- and briefly -- replaced with footage of a live-action mouth. Back at Squidward’s house, Patrick licks the camera and bites it) Hey SpongeBob! You gotta try this! (they play with the camera)
Squidward: PATRICK! SPONGEBOB! Get off my camera! (takes them off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him. After this, Squidward hires Patrick as his camera man and SpongeBob as his sound man before returning to his desk; we move ahead to when he’s back at his desk) Imbiciles! (clears throat) Today, we’re going to be talking about... (he’s not on-camera) Why isn’t the camera on me?! (Patrick moves it around) NO! I am the one talking! (growls. Goes in front of the camera) I'M RIGHT HERE, AHEM! Today on Squidward Chat, we will be discussing the underappreciated arts. Patrick, I’m down here! (Patrick lowers camera) As I was saying... Today we’ll be-- (Patrick lifts the camera up and down) Today-- (Patrick continues to lift the camera. Growls as Patrick continues to lift the camera, causing Squidward to walk up and tie Patrick to the camera before walking back to his desk) Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous-- (SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into scene and places it in Squidward’s mouth) Sponge-- (boom microphone hits Squidward. Growls)
SpongeBob: It’s heavy! (Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob) Thanks! But it itches. (at this point, Mr. Krabs comes across Squidward Chat)
Patrick: I gotta go potty!
Squidward: Well, you are just going to have to hold it, Patrick! Now if there are no more interruptions... (Mr. Krabs holds a sign reading "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera)
Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab! Home to the original Krabby Patty! And remember: We change our grease monthly!
Squidward: OUTTTT! (pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief)
Mr. Krabs: (dances with sign) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don’t want just you! We want your money too-o-o! (at this point, Sandy comes across the show)
Sandy: (goes in front of the camera and dances) Yeeee-hawww! (Pearl notices the show at this point)
Pearl: (falls onto Squidward’s desk, breaking it in half) Give me a K! (Plankton notices the show at this point) Go, team, go! Go, team, go! (Plankton laughs and cocks his death ray and fires around the house)
Patrick: (laughs) My shorts are wet!
Pearl: Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! (Plankton fires at Mr. Krabs)
Plankton: Hehe! Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! (laughs. Mr. Krabs kicks him away)
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
Squidward: (sadly) NOOO! My show! (sniffles)
SpongeBob: (pats his back) You seem tense! (Squidward growls)
Squidward: Cut that out! That’s it! Everyone OUUUTTT!! What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!
Larry the Lobster: Did somebody say housewarming? Hey everyone! It’s a housewarming! (citizens come into Squidward’s house; Squidward Chat episode ends here)
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