Episode Transcript: Driven to Tears

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Episode Article: Driven to Tears

Characters

Dialogue

Narrator: A very special day in Bikini Bottom

SpongeBob: I'm ready! (walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick) I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards?

Patrick: Right here, buddy. (takes them out of his pocket) Everything you need to pass the test is on these cards. (eats the cards) Mmm.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick!

Patrick: Hey, learning tastes good.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I needed those.

Patrick: Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone.

SpongeBob: 57 times.

Patrick: Well, then 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pass that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner.

SpongeBob: I'm a winner?

Patrick: Who's a winner?

SpongeBob: (sadly) I'm a winner.

Patrick: Who's a winner?

SpongeBob: (cheered up a little) I'm a winner.

Patrick: Who's a winner?!

SpongeBob: I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! (runs into the classroom)

Narrator: One minute thirty seven seconds later... (SpongeBob walks up sobbing)

Patrick: How'd you do, winner? (sobbing continues) Let's see that license.

SpongeBob: I didn't get a license, Patrick.

Patrick: Are they gonna mail it to you?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all.

Patrick: No way! 58 is like the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged.

SpongeBob: Let's just go home, Patrick.

Patrick: We're not going anywhere until I get to the bottom of this. I'm taking that test, myself.

SpongeBob: (hanging onto Patrick's pants) No, Patrick! I've been training for years. They'll eat you alive. (Patrick's pants rip off)

Patrick: Please, SpongeBob. I think I know what I'm doing.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick. No!

Mrs. Puff: (Patrick walks up to the boat she is sitting in and gets in it, in his underwear) Good morning.

Patrick: You're not the judge of me.

Mrs. Puff: Actually, I am. Let the testing begin! (clicks pen. Scene cuts to SpongeBob, outside the boating school)

SpongeBob: I shouldn't have let him do it. What kind of friend am I?

Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: I'm here for you, buddy.

Patrick: I passed my test!

SpongeBob: You got a perfect score?

Patrick: Yeah, I thought you said it was hard.

SpongeBob: Perfect score. (eye twitches)

Patrick: Come on, I'm gonna get my picture taken for my new license. (scene cuts to the license registration building)

Lady: Stand behind the line, sir.

Patrick: (smiling) How do I look?

SpongeBob: (sarcastically) Like a winner.

Lady: Ready?

Patrick: Ready. (banner comes down which says "CONGRATULATIONS" on it. Balloons and confetti fall)

SpongeBob: Huh?

Fish: Congratulations, Mr. Star. You're the one millionth person to pass the test.

Patrick: Does that mean I get a free key chain?

Fish: Uhh, no.

Patrick: Oh.

Fish: You get a brand-new boat mobile. The new Bass Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine.

Patrick: Yeah! All right!

Fish: Women will want you. (all sigh) Men will want to be you. (all sigh) You'll be the envy of your friends. (SpongeBob groans)

Patrick: Isn't this great? I got my license and a new boat.

SpongeBob:("La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face) Whoa!

Patrick: The horn works. (scene cuts to Patrick driving his new boat down the road) Whoo! This is the greatest day ever. Right, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Right, Patrick. I can't think of one thing that would make this day better. Except maybe getting my license.

Patrick: Maybe if you apply yourself you could be the two millionth person to get his license.

SpongeBob: Two millionth?

Patrick: Then you can get a free boat just like me.

SpongeBob: Yeah, just like you.

Patrick: I try to serve as an inspiration to others.

SpongeBob: Can we go home now? (zoom out and scene shows Patrick driving around his rock over and over) We've been driving around your house for hours.

Patrick: I know. It's a lot faster than walking, isn't it?

SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride, Patrick.

Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can't help being a...pedestrian. (shudders then drives off. SpongeBob imitates Patrick. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in bed asleep. His clock turns to 3:00am when an engine revving is heard which sends SpongeBob into his diving board then back into his bed)

SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing?

Patrick: I'm trying to work on my boat mobile. Now could you keep it down? It's 3 in the morning, people are trying to sleep. (SpongeBob groans and shuts his window then goes back to bed. Scene cuts to 4:00am)

SpongeBob: 4 o'clock? (yawns. Doorbell rings) Who could be at the door at this hou-- (falls down the stairs. Opens the door) Now what is it, Patrick?

Patrick: You will never guess what happen to me today.

SpongeBob: You got your license.

Patrick: Yeah! (shows his license) But that's not all.

SpongeBob: You got a new boat.

Patrick: Yeah. Have you been following me? You know, you need to get your own life. (walks off)

SpongeBob: (gets back into bed) Oh...I just need a few minutes sleep. (foghorn alarm blows)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Yes, Gary, I saw his new boat. (scene cuts to morning where SpongeBob is leaving home to go to work) I'm so tired. (horn honks)

Patrick: Hey, buddy. Need a ride to work?

SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick, but I'd rather walk to work. (tries to take a step but falls down in the process. Scene cuts to Patrick driving SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab)

Patrick: Boy, I never realized how empty life is without a license.

SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride.

Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can give me rides once you get your license. I mean, if you get your license.

SpongeBob: That's it. I am through driving around with Patrick. If I have to see one more boat mobile...

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're manning the drive-thru.

SpongeBob: When did we get a drive-thru?

Mr. Krabs: I realized there's a lot of young people on the go these days. They don't have time to sit down and eat. They're too busy out on the open road living their dreams.

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.

SpongeBob: (through headphones) Welcome to the Krusty Krab, may I -- ("La Cucaracha" horn honks)

Patrick: The horn still works. (scene cuts to SpongeBob switching the OPEN sign to CLOSED then walking out of work. Patrick drives up in a racing uniform) Hey, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: What's with the helmet, Patrick?

Patrick: Well, since I'm now an expert driver, I have to keep up my image. (clicks tongue)

SpongeBob: Uh-huh. (scene cuts to Patrick driving)

Patrick: Boy, driving is so easy.

SpongeBob: Oh?

Patrick: Do you want me to give you lessons?

SpongeBob: (sarcastic) Oh, that would be great.

Patrick: Oh! (drives over to SpongeBob’s parents)

SpongeBob: Patrick!

Patrick: Hi, mommy. Hi, daddy.

Mr. SquarePants: Patrick, how many times do we have to tell you we're SpongeBob’s mom and dad, not yours?

Patrick: What? I'm an orphan? Oh, but guess what? I passed my driver's test.

Mrs. SquarePants: That's great, Patrick.

Patrick: SpongeBob failed his test, so don't mention it.

Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, we know how to stay clear of that minefield.

SpongeBob: Mom!

Patrick: Well, I've got to take Mr. Walks-a-lot back home. He's always asking for rides.

SpongeBob: Hey. (Patrick drives off)

Mr. SquarePants: Even Patrick has a license. (both parents sigh)

Patrick: Let's see what this baby can do. (steps on the gas. Ride pass a sign that reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MPH')

SpongeBob: Patrick, the speed limit is 40mph.

Patrick: Yeah, yeah.

SpongeBob: (reads the speedometer) 40.5mph? That's almost 41mph. He's speeding. Patrick! Stop this car. (car stops next to a policeman)

Patrick: What? Where? Who?

SpongeBob: Officer, it is my civilian duty to report that the the driver of this vehicle is speeding. Why don't you clock him with your radar gun?

Officer: Umm...ok. (uses radar gun. It reads 0mph) Actually, he's going 40mph under the limit. So, move along before I run you in, tattletale. (drives off)

SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't want to run him in? (scene cuts to Patrick driving. Green light turns red) It's a red light, Patrick! (Patrick runs through red lights) Patrick, you just ran three red lights.

Patrick: So?

SpongeBob: You're suppose to stop.

Patrick: I think the driving genius knows what he's doing.

SpongeBob: Driving genius? Would a genius make an illegal u-turn through an orphanage?

Patrick: They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about?

SpongeBob: I should've gotten that license. And this should be my boat mobile.

Patrick: How can you say that? If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license.
SpongeBob: If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face.

Patrick: I'm not rubbing my license in your face. This) is rubbing my license in your face! (takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob’s face)

SpongeBob: Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this. You don't deserve this. (tears up Patrick's license then laughs. The pieces of the license fly into the officers hands)

Officer: Huh, litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. (drives off after SpongeBob & Patrick)

SpongeBob & Patrick: It's the police!

Officer: (over speaker) Pull it over, litterbug!

Patrick: Litterbug? No! (drives faster)

Officer: Oh, I got me a runner. (a bunch of police cars are following him)

SpongeBob: Patrick, what do you think you're doing?

Patrick: I don't know! I don't have a license anymore. (drives around cards, through a sign then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail. Scene cuts to courtroom)

Judge: 90 days. I hope you learned a valuable lesson about littering.

Patrick: So long, buddy. Don't forget to feed Gary. Sometimes you forget to feed him.

SpongeBob: What have I done? Patrick can't survive in prison. He's too soft. Wait! (runs up to the judge) Patrick's innocent. I tore up Patrick's license and threw it out the window. I'm the litterbug. Take me instead.

Judge: Well, considering there's no legal precedent...oh, what the heck. 90 days! (SpongeBob is put in jail)

Narrator: One debt to society later... (door buzzes. SpongeBob is let go out of jail where Patrick is waiting for him)

SpongeBob: Patrick!

Patrick: SpongeBob! (both hug)

SpongeBob: I'm glad you passed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. (shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER") Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy.

Patrick: Oh, I don't have a boat mobile anymore.

SpongeBob: What?

Patrick: It stopped working so I threw it away. The needle was on E and I figured that must mean end.

SpongeBob: Oh, then what do we do with this? (Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind)

Patrick: How's that?

SpongeBob: Yeah!

Patrick: Ready, buddy?

SpongeBob: Ready, pal. (hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises) Whoo! Whoo!

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