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Episode Transcript: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired
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Episode Article: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired
Characters
- SpongeBob
- Patrick Star
- Mrs. Puff
- Sergent Roderick
- Mr Fitz
- Chomp and Crunch the piranhas
Dialogue
(At Mrs Puff's Boating School)
Mr. Fits: Morning, Mrs. Puff. I'm Mr. Fits. I represent the 'Boating School Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know your
teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we have noticed there have been an unusual large number of failings from
this classroom.
Mrs. Puff: That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.
Mr. Fits: Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times. (shows folder with a bunch of files)
Mrs. Puff: You don't understand. SpongeBob is unteachable. First sign rule of the bean: No Animals. Next: No crying, and finally third: No drinking.
Mr. Fits: We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.
SpongeBob: Honk honk! Beep beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?
Mr. Fits: Ok, Mrs Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced.
Mrs. Puff: (in the boat with SpongeBob & Mr. Fits) Ok, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fits everything I've taught you in
boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?
SpongeBob: (snaps fingers) Seat-belt-aroony. One second. (gets tangled in seat-belt then squeezes self through. As
SpongeBob is doing this, Mr Fits is writing on his notepad)
Mrs. Puff: Then what do you do?
SpongeBob: Start the engine?
Mrs. Puff: Yes.
SpongeBob: (starts the boat) Now what do I do?
Mrs. Puff: Drive the boat. (SpongeBob drives into a boat)
SpongeBob: Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you failed.
SpongeBob: I failed?
Mr. Fits: It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.
Mrs. Puff: I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? (laughs excitedly) No more SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come.
Goodbye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life. Tell the wee French sailor turtle with a superhero cape and water shoes I love him. (exhales her puffiness)
SpongeBob: (in classroom) I got Mrs. Puff fired. (new teachers breaks down door)
Instructor: Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. (breaks Mrs. Puff's name in pieces) No one's ever failed my
class...that's lived through it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your
spine will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. (students are freaking out) You will drive out of this
school in style. All you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First
rule: No talking.
Student #1: Does that mean we have a chocolate bunny and I'll eat it and.... (instructor throws student through the door)
Instructor: Second rule: No eating in your class. (takes out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?
Student #2: Uhh, I'll eat one. (students gasp. Student #2 walks up to the instructor)
Instructor: Pick your favorite. (student takes one and eats it) How's it taste?
Student #2: It's a delightful taste sensation.
Instructor: (throws student #2 through another door) Third rule: No drinking soda in your classroom. (takes a box of sodas) Now wo would cater for a soda?
Student #3: Umm... I have one! (students clap their hands except for SpongeBob. Student #3 ran up to the instrcutor.)
Insturctor: Pick your favorite one. (student 3 takes one and washes it down.) How does it taste?
Student #3: It is.
Insturctor: (threw student 3 out of third door.) Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay
in this class... (everyone but SpongeBob have run out on a boat somewhere pillaging and plundering) Looks like you're the boy, Sponge.
SpongeBob: I am?
Instructor: (outside) Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive (jumps in the boat)
Instructor: What do you think you're doing?
SpongeBob: Ready for my test, sir.
Instructor: (takes SpongeBob out of the boat) You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. (shows roads will
all sorts of obstacles) This is (the) most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack
on it. You'll start out crawling it.
SpongeBob: Crawl?
Instructor: Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. (SpongeBob crawls forward)
SpongeBob: Left turn. (turns left) Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!
Instructor: Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.
SpongeBob: Pebble!! (crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand and goes on screaming "oh woah!" then rolls down the obstacle
course then into the air, out of the water in the excat reuse of the No Weenies Allowed shot, that we took it and threw it right back in, then back down where the instructor catches him as he screams "oh woah!" until he stops screaming.)
Instructor: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. What are you suppose to be learning in your class?
SpongeBob: How to drive, sir?
Instructor: Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. Then you learn to walk and then you learn
to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!
SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!!
Instructor: Now get out there! (SpongeBob crawls around a hole then his instructor got the suds. SpongeBob carries
the instructor on his back. Then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste) Every good boater
needs to know his vehicle inside and out. (hands SpongeBob a wrench) Here, go take that boat apart. (SpongeBob takes the
boat apart) I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!
SpongeBob: (laughs) That'll be easy.
Instructor: Are you sure?
SpongeBob: Um, yeah. You just put the jigamahoo on the doohicky and uhh... (laughs) I might need a couple minutes. (later,
the instructor is sleeping) It's ready, serg!
Instructor: Jumpin' jellyfish. (SpongeBob put back together a rocket as it blasts off. Later, instructor is looking through some binoculars at SpongeBob, who is wearing a hat with mirrors on it. SpongeBob runs up to a red light and stops until it turns green)
SpongeBob: Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestrian!! (crashes through a lot of pedestrians) So, umm, how'd I do?
Instructor: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian...HOW YOU DID!
SpongeBob: Now I know this forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?
Instructor: Not quite. (puts blindfold on SpongeBob) Now do it blindfolded. (SpongeBob gets run over by a boat)
Narrator: Several days later.
SpongeBob: 1003, 1004, 1005. (stops) Ooh, pebble #143. (steps over pebble) Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006,
1007, 1008. (old lady pedestrian pops up) Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1...13.
Instructor: Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.
SpongeBob: Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... (runs into a pole)
Instructor: (now in boat) Let's see what I taught you, laddy.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (drives boat) Left turn at pebble #143. (makes left turn) (pedestrian kid pops up. SpongeBob stops) Kid with a ball. (SpongeBob continues) Nice boy.
Instructor: Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. (SpongeBob parallel parks) Very good. (now at real exam) Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fits what you've learn.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Step 1: seat belts. (puts on seat belt with no problem)
Instructor: Excellent work, cadet. What's next?
SpongeBob: Step 2 would be...ignite engine.
Instructor: Step 3?
SpongeBob: Step 3 would be... (takes out blindfold) ...engage blindfold.
Instructor: What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal.
SpongeBob: But I can't do it without a blindfold.
Mr. Fitz: Step 4?
SpongeBob: Step 4 would be floor it.
Instructor: Drive? (SpongeBob drives into a gas can blowing them out of the boating school) Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. (boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. Spurts out from a fire hydrant. Then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery)
Mrs. Puff: Ah, I feel so surreaned now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. (Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, the instructor, and Mr. Fits fearing their lives)
Instructor: The brake son!
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir. (takes brake apart) There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two of the bolts.
Instructor: I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. (jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it) Come get some! (boat runs over him)
SpongeBob: Man down. Man down. (SpongeBob drives into the city and into each building) Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now.
Patrick: My pants!
SpongeBob: Hey, I can't see! (dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks) Did I pass?
Mr. Fits: Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.
Patrick: (takes his pants off SpongeBob's head) The nerve of some people.
Mr. Fits: sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again.
SpongeBob: (at boating school) Hey, Mrs. Puff, sorry that I'm unteachable.
Mrs. Puff: It's ok. Mr. Fits gave me my teaching certificate back. And your OCA was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed.
SpongeBob: I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. (shows name tag) I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time. (Mrs. Puff cries and the name tag comes apart)
