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Episode Transcript: Squidville
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==Characters== | ==Characters== | ||
| Line 16: | Line 6: | ||
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]] | *[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]] | ||
*[[Patrick Star|Patrick]] | *[[Patrick Star|Patrick]] | ||
| − | *[[ | + | *[[Squidette]] |
| + | *[[Little Kid]] | ||
| + | *[[Little Girl]] | ||
| + | *Other [[Tentacle Acres]] residents | ||
==Dialogue== | ==Dialogue== | ||
| − | (SpongeBob | + | (as the episode begins, SpongeBob runs up to Patrick with a package in his hand and bumps into him) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, look. I got my... ( | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (walks to him) Patrick, look. I got my... (notices Patrick has the same package. Unwraps his to show a reef blower. Patrick unwraps his to show a flower vase. Laughs) I’m sorry, Patrick. It’s just for a second I thought-- (notices Patrick has the same reef blower as he does) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Hey, you got the same reef blower as me! ( | + | '''Patrick:''' Hey, you got the same reef blower as me! (blows at SpongeBob) Tag, you’re it. (SpongeBob laughs. Both run around tagging each other. Blows away a can while SpongeBob blows away a sand sculpture of himself. Switches the blower to "suck" and sucks off the lines of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The pineapple sparkles) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, you made my house sparkling clean. | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, you made my house sparkling clean. |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Sure did. | + | '''Patrick:''' Sure did. |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' We haven’t improved Squidward’s day yet. Let’s do his house! (Patrick sucks up the nose on Squidward’s house and laughs) My turn. ( | + | '''SpongeBob:''' We haven’t improved Squidward’s day yet. Let’s do his house! (Patrick sucks up the nose on Squidward’s house and laughs) My turn. (sucks up one of the windows. Squidward opens up the other window) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' What is going on out here? | + | '''Squidward:''' What is going on out here? |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' We’re playing with our new reef blowers! | + | '''SpongeBob:''' We’re playing with our new reef blowers! |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Playing with a reef blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of. | + | '''Squidward:''' Playing with a reef blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of. |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' But it’s fun! | + | '''SpongeBob:''' But it’s fun! |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Fun? How could playing with one of those over-sized hair dryers possibly be fun? | + | '''Squidward:''' Fun? How could playing with one of those over-sized hair dryers possibly be fun? |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Like this... ( | + | '''Patrick:''' Like this... (sucks the window up, leaving Squidward’s nose protuding through the wall. Squidward pulls his nose out of the wall) |
| − | '''Squidward''': Chafed. ( | + | '''Squidward''': Chafed. (opens his front door) Alright, that’s-- (Patrick sucks up the door) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Let’s do your house, Patrick. | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Let’s do your house, Patrick. |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Yeah! ( | + | '''Patrick:''' Yeah! (both walk to Patrick’s rock, and they see Squidward digging a hole up to the surface, seeing as how he couldn’t exit his house any other way. He jumps out of it, fuming) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Squidward, you’re steaming! You’re like a steamed vegetable, only smarter. | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Squidward, you’re steaming! You’re like a steamed vegetable, only smarter. |
'''Squidward:''' Put my windows back! | '''Squidward:''' Put my windows back! | ||
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' No problem, Squidward! We’re on your side! ( | + | '''SpongeBob:''' No problem, Squidward! We’re on your side! (he and Patrick set their blowers to "Blow" and aim at Squidward’s house) Any second now... (all the items fly out of the hoses at once and blow Squidward’s house to pieces. Debris falls everywhere) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would- (he is hit on the head with a rock) I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then go on living where I do now. ( | + | '''Squidward:''' SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would-- (he is hit on the head with a rock) I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then go on living where I do now. (Squidward’s television falls to the ground and turns on. On the television is a squid, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow) |
| − | '''TV:''' Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away | + | '''Squid on TV:''' Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it. Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the middle of the nearest three-way--? |
'''Squidward:''' Four-way! | '''Squidward:''' Four-way! | ||
| − | '''TV:''' Four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then continue living where you do now? Then move to- ( | + | '''Squid on TV:''' Four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then continue living where you do now? Then move to-- (screen switches to static, as Patrick has changed the channel with a remote) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' I hate this channel. | + | '''Patrick:''' I hate this channel. |
| − | '''Squidward:''' No! No! ( | + | '''Squidward:''' No! No! (grabs the remote and changes it back) |
| − | '''TV:''' -Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! ( | + | '''Squid on TV:''' --Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! (puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pop echoes. Bubble-wipe to a large complex, fenced off. There is a golden door, and above it is the sign "Tentacle Acres." Squidward walks to the door, with his clarinet and a few other things. He talks into the intercom on the door) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Hello? | + | '''Squidward:''' Hello? |
| − | '''Guard:''' Yes, can I help you? | + | '''Guard:''' (over intercom speaker) ''Yes, can I help you?'' |
'''Squidward:''' I’m here about the happiness. I’ll be moving in now. | '''Squidward:''' I’m here about the happiness. I’ll be moving in now. | ||
| − | '''Guard:''' Are you alone? | + | '''Guard:''' ''Are you alone?'' |
| − | '''Squidward:''' No. I mean, yes. There’s nobody with me. Yes, peace and quiet. | + | '''Squidward:''' No. I mean, yes. There’s nobody with me. Yes, peace and quiet. |
| − | '''Guard:''' Are you now, or have you ever been, a sponge? | + | '''Guard:''' ''Are you now, or have you ever been, a sponge?'' |
| − | '''Squidward:''' No. | + | '''Squidward:''' No. |
| − | '''Guard:''' What about a- | + | '''Guard:''' ''What about a--?'' |
| − | '''Squidward:''' (cuts him off) No, no starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving- (the door begins to rumble and the gates | + | '''Squidward:''' (cuts him off) No, no starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving-- (the door begins to rumble and the gates |
| − | open, revealing an entire town of houses just like | + | open, revealing an entire town of houses just like Squidward’s. The sky is pinkish-orange and there’s a rainbow. Squidward is overjoyed and walks in. Notices squids laying in lawn chairs, one of them tanning. Looks at something offscreen. Cut to two squid kids, a boy and a girl, at an ice cream truck driven by another squid. The truck is pink with "MARZIPAN" and what appears to be vanilla ice cream on it. "CAUTION," in red, is placed near the bottom. The sound of children laughing is heard as the boy raises one of his pods, giving what appears to be a thumbs-up, and both kids walk closer) Heaven at last. (runs into a squid in a purple shirt) |
| − | + | ||
| − | ''' | + | '''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' I've seen more alert people in a retirement home. |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Oh, which way to the Living-without-a-brain seminar? Don’t be late. | + | '''Squidward:''' Oh, which way to the Living-without-a-brain seminar? Don’t be late. |
| − | ''' | + | '''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich. (walks off) Get a life! (Squidward squints angrily at him, then becomes happy) |
| − | becomes happy) | + | |
| − | '''Squidward:''' This place is even better than I expected! ( | + | '''Squidward:''' This place is even better than I expected! (cut to Squidward walking down the road, reading off the house numbers) 302, 303 and 304. Beautiful. (walks in to house 304) And not a pineapple in sight. (shuts the door. Bubble-wipe to later that night, where Squidward is in a cap, nightshirt, and slipper, going to bed. His clarinet, as always, is next to him) Good night, Clarry. Tomorrow, we begin life anew. (the phone rings, startling Squidward. Answers it) 304 New Life street, Squidward speaking! (hears SpongeBob on the other end speaking gibberish) There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob! I am finally among my own kind. (hears more garbling) Now goodbye! (hangs up. At SpongeBob’s place, he and Patrick are crushed and exchange gibberish. Croos-fade to [[Bikini Atoll]] at dawn. Cut to Tentacle Acres. Walks out of his house and breathes in the fresh air) Ahh... I think I’ll take my bike today. (walks off, takes his bike and rides down the street) I’m my own man. (runs into the purple-shirt squid from the other day, who is riding in a line of bike riders) Now these neighbors know how to live. (bubble-wipe to later. Parks his bike in front of a grocery store called [[Full of Health]] and walks in. Cut to inside, where Squidward is walking down an aisle) Intensive. Hmm... I bet they won’t have-- (gasps and grabs a can) Wow, they have it! (cut to a close-up of the can, labeled "Best Thing Since Sliced") [[Canned Bread]]! This town is great! (walks out of the store with a bag) I would really be impressed if it had... (slaps his forehead when he sees the building across the street) ..an [[Interpretive Dance Academy]]?! (runs in, now with headband and leotard, and begins dancing happily with the others, while the other squids aren’t as joyful) Yeah! It’s even better in a group! (bubble-wipe to later. Squidward is walking down the street) This town is perfect. (sees a gazebo with three squids playing clarinet) A clarinet trio? (runs up next to them and begins playing his clarinet. Camera pans up to the sky. Cross-fade to the next day; camera pans back down as a rooster crows. Squidward walks out again and breathes the fresh air) Ahh, another great day. (rides his bike down the street and runs into the same bike line) Oh, look! Everybody’s on their bike today. (walks his bike to Full of Health again and picks up another can of Canned Bread. Cut to him dancing at the academy) It just gets better and better! (cut to him with the trio) All together! (they all play. Cut to the next day. Walks out of his house, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays. Cut to the same routine: Squidward rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, and plays. This repeats numerous times, but Squidward gets increasingly less happy with this with each passing scene. Eventually, he’s really depressed, now playing with the trio) I sorta don’t feel like playing my clarinet today. (walks off. Bubble-wipe to the next day. Sits on a bench in the park, all glum) Yep, this is great. They might as well rename this town "Squidward’s Paradise." Or perhaps too much paradise. (hears a reef blower. Picks his head up expectedly) SpongeBob? (sees a squid blowing the leafs with it. The squid then leaves, leaving a sign next to the blower reading "Back whenever." Squidward is tempted, but dismisses it. The temptation proves to be too much, and he goes over and touches it, setting it off for a second. Giggles. Whistles nonchalantly, and knocks off the sign) Oops. (picks up the nozzle and switches it to "Suck." His nose gets sucked up. Switches it back to "Blow," freeing himself. His lengthened nose floats over it. Chuckles. A female squid walking by clears her throat. Quickly goes to the lawn) Leaves. Just getting the leaves. (she walks off. Takes the blower back to the bench and blows the nozzle on his face, distorting it upward. Blows on his eyelids, distorting them upward. Chuckles. Puts the nozzle under his shirt and blows that up too. Laughs. Points the nozzle to the left and is blown to the other side of the bench. Laughs again. Points the nozzle to the right and is blown off the bench. Laughs all the same. Two squids, a male and female, playing croquet nearby start getting annoyed) |
| − | 303 and 304. Beautiful. ( | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | Tomorrow, we begin life anew. (the phone rings, startling | + | |
| − | speaking! ( | + | |
| − | am finally among my own kind. ( | + | |
| − | are crushed and exchange gibberish. | + | |
| − | think I’ll take my bike today. ( | + | |
| − | from the other day, who is riding in a line of bike riders) Now these neighbors know how to live. ( | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | have- ( | + | |
| − | town is great! ( | + | |
| − | he sees the building across the street) an | + | |
| − | begins dancing happily with the others, while the other squids aren’t as joyful) Yeah! It’s even better in a group! ( | + | |
| − | to later | + | |
| − | clarinet trio? ( | + | |
| − | breathes the fresh air) Ahh, another great day. ( | + | |
| − | look! Everybody’s on their bike today. ( | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | (they all play. Cut to the next day | + | |
| − | rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays | + | |
| − | with this with each passing scene. Eventually, he’s really depressed, now playing with the trio) I sorta don’t feel like | + | |
| − | playing my clarinet today. ( | + | |
| − | great. They might as well rename this town | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | a sign next to the blower reading | + | |
| − | over and touches it, setting it off for a second. | + | |
| − | ( | + | |
| − | freeing himself. His lengthened nose floats over it. | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | blows the nozzle on his face, distorting it upward. | + | |
| − | the nozzle under his shirt and blows that up too. | + | |
| − | side of the bench. | + | |
| − | Two squids playing croquet nearby start getting annoyed) | + | |
| − | '''Squidette''' | + | '''Squidette:''' Would you pipe down over there, iron lung? (the two start laughing, their foreheads fluctuating up and down as |
| − | they do. | + | they do. Squidward sucks up the croquet balls and the man’s stick which he was leaning on. He falls to the ground. Squidward begins to laugh) |
| − | laugh | + | |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don’t have a leg to stand on! ( | + | '''Squidward:''' Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don’t have a leg to stand on! (continues laughing. The woman |
| − | helps the man up) | + | helps the man up) |
'''Squidette:''' Hey! That’s not funny! | '''Squidette:''' Hey! That’s not funny! | ||
| − | '''Man #1''': Yeah! (another man walks by, clarinet in hand) | + | '''Man #1''': Yeah! (another man walks by, clarinet in hand) |
| − | '''Man #2:''' What’s going on over hear? (the croquet woman points at | + | '''Man #2:''' What’s going on over hear? (the croquet woman points at Squidward) |
| − | '''Woman:''' It’s that guy! He’s playing with a reef blower! | + | '''Woman:''' It’s that guy! He’s playing with a reef blower! |
| − | '''Man #2:''' Playing with a reef blower? That’s the most childish thing | + | '''Man #2:''' Playing with a reef blower? That’s the most childish thing I've ever heard of! |
| − | '''Squidward:''' But it’s fun! (the man laughs) | + | '''Squidward:''' But it’s fun! (the man laughs) |
| − | '''Man #2:''' How could you possibly have fun with one of those | + | '''Man #2:''' How could you possibly have fun with one of those over-sized hair dryers? |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Like this! ( | + | '''Squidward:''' Like this! (sucks up the man’s clarinet, and it gets stuck in the nozzle, playing sour notes) |
| − | + | ||
| − | '''Man #2:''' Give it back! Please! ( | + | '''Man #2:''' (screams) Give it back! Please! (Squidward blows it back at him, lodging it in the middle of his face like a crease. Squidward laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the back "wheel," causing the squid to stop) |
| − | laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the | + | |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Tag! You’re it! ( | + | '''Squidward:''' Tag! You’re it! (blows on it, inflating the squid’s head) |
| − | + | ||
| − | ''' | + | '''Squid on Bike:''' (as his head inflates) Wha-huh?! (Squidward laughs and runs off. Cut to a [[Le Café]] stand, where two male squids, one of them the purple-shirt squid from earlier, walk up to it) |
| − | + | ||
| − | ''' | + | '''Woman:''' What can I get you boys? (Squidward opens a door on the stand and sucks up the two guys' eyes and noses and blows them back out, but puts two noses on one guy and four eyes on the other guy. He runs off laughing) |
| − | '''Squid | + | '''Squid with Two Noses:''' What are you looking at? |
| − | ''' | + | '''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' Nose. (SpongeBob and Patrick approach the complex) |
| − | (Patrick | + | |
| − | + | ||
| − | ''' | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got the apology cake? |
| + | (Patrick picks up a cake that reads "Sorry." He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them) | ||
| + | We’re ready! | ||
| − | ''' | + | '''Patrick:''' (sarcastically) Ying! (SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Can I get a large #1, extra size? | + | '''Guard:''' (over speaker) ''Hello, can I help you?'' |
| + | |||
| + | '''Patrick:''' Can I get a large #1, extra size? | ||
'''SpongeBob:''' But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins. (Patrick opens his mouth, the fumes emerging from it. A | '''SpongeBob:''' But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins. (Patrick opens his mouth, the fumes emerging from it. A | ||
| − | foghorn sounds) | + | foghorn sounds) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' I love fried oyster skins. (cut to inside the control room, where the Guard | + | '''Patrick:''' I love fried oyster skins. (cut to inside the control room, where the Guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one |
| − | of his monitors) | + | of his monitors) |
'''Guard:''' We’re sorry, but your kind isn’t allowed here. (a security guard walks up next to him) He’s not leaving, Orville. | '''Guard:''' We’re sorry, but your kind isn’t allowed here. (a security guard walks up next to him) He’s not leaving, Orville. | ||
| − | (the fumes enter the room) You got your night stick ready? (the | + | (the fumes enter the room) You got your night stick ready? (they both smell the fumes) Fried oyster skins?! (both collapse, the |
| − | Guard | + | Guard falling on a button opening the gate) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' I guess | + | '''Patrick:''' I guess we've got to order inside. (within the copmplex, a group of squids are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them) |
| − | + | ||
| − | run past them) | + | |
'''SpongeBob:''' Hey! That looked like Squidward! (the mob runs past them) That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! | '''SpongeBob:''' Hey! That looked like Squidward! (the mob runs past them) That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! | ||
| − | ( | + | (Squidward has approached a dead end) |
| − | '''Policeman:''' Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles! | + | '''Policeman:''' Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles! |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Stand back! | + | '''Squidward:''' Stand back! I've got gardening tools! (the policeman hands him an envelope) |
| − | '''Policeman:''' Here! Just read this! ( | + | '''Policeman:''' Here! Just read this! (Squidward looks at it) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' What is it? | + | '''Squidward:''' What is it? |
'''Policeman:''' A well thought out and organized list of complaints! (the mob shout out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick | '''Policeman:''' A well thought out and organized list of complaints! (the mob shout out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick | ||
| − | walk by) | + | walk by) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, look! It’s Squidward! ( | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (notices a male squid) Patrick, look! It’s Squidward! (runs up to the guy and hugs him, but he’s a different squid with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward’s) Squidward! We finally found you! (the squid pushes SpongeBob off him)<br> |
| − | '''Angry Squid:''' Get off me! I’m not Squidward! | + | '''Angry Squid:''' Get off me! I’m not Squidward! |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward now? | + | '''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward now? |
'''Squidward:''' Grievances! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one | '''Squidward:''' Grievances! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one | ||
| − | place! This city needs to be destroyed! | + | place! This city needs to be destroyed!... or at least painted a different color. |
| − | '''Policeman:''' FYI, you don’t have to live here, you know! ( | + | '''Policeman:''' FYI, you don’t have to live here, you know! (Squidward, and the crowd, smile) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Hey, you’re right! (the crowd | + | '''Squidward:''' Hey, you’re right! (the crowd members' smiles fade) And I’m leaving ASAP! (SpongeBob and Patrick |
| − | are trying to find Squidward) | + | are trying to find Squidward) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Are you Squidward? | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (walks up to a random squid) Are you Squidward? |
| − | '''Squid:''' No. ( | + | '''Squid:''' No. (SpongeBob walks up to the croquet woman) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Are you Squidward? | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Are you Squidward? |
| − | '''Squidette:''' No. (Patrick talks to a fire hydrant) | + | '''Squidette:''' No. (Patrick talks to a fire hydrant) |
| − | '''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward? ( | + | '''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward? (gets no response) That’s OK, take your time. (SpongeBob walks up to him) |
| − | '''SpongeBob:''' Any one of these | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! (the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the reef |
| − | blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally) | + | blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally) |
| − | '''Squidward:''' Freedom! Woo-hoo! (SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon) | + | '''Squidward:''' Freedom! Woo-hoo! (laughs maniacally and talks in gibberish. SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon) |
'''SpongeBob:''' Well, we know one thing: it sure isn’t that guy! | '''SpongeBob:''' Well, we know one thing: it sure isn’t that guy! | ||
| + | |||
| + | '''Squidward:''' (as he flies away) Woo-hoo! Whee! (episode ends) | ||
{{Timeline}} | {{Timeline}} | ||
Latest revision as of 18:18, 28 May 2025
| Previous Episode Transcript | Next Episode Transcript |
|---|---|
| Grandma’s Kisses | Pre-Hibernation Week |
Episode Article: Squidville
[edit] Characters
- Squidward
- SpongeBob
- Patrick
- Squidette
- Little Kid
- Little Girl
- Other Tentacle Acres residents
[edit] Dialogue
(as the episode begins, SpongeBob runs up to Patrick with a package in his hand and bumps into him)
SpongeBob: (walks to him) Patrick, look. I got my... (notices Patrick has the same package. Unwraps his to show a reef blower. Patrick unwraps his to show a flower vase. Laughs) I’m sorry, Patrick. It’s just for a second I thought-- (notices Patrick has the same reef blower as he does)
Patrick: Hey, you got the same reef blower as me! (blows at SpongeBob) Tag, you’re it. (SpongeBob laughs. Both run around tagging each other. Blows away a can while SpongeBob blows away a sand sculpture of himself. Switches the blower to "suck" and sucks off the lines of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The pineapple sparkles)
SpongeBob: Patrick, you made my house sparkling clean.
Patrick: Sure did.
SpongeBob: We haven’t improved Squidward’s day yet. Let’s do his house! (Patrick sucks up the nose on Squidward’s house and laughs) My turn. (sucks up one of the windows. Squidward opens up the other window)
Squidward: What is going on out here?
SpongeBob: We’re playing with our new reef blowers!
Squidward: Playing with a reef blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of.
SpongeBob: But it’s fun!
Squidward: Fun? How could playing with one of those over-sized hair dryers possibly be fun?
Patrick: Like this... (sucks the window up, leaving Squidward’s nose protuding through the wall. Squidward pulls his nose out of the wall)
Squidward: Chafed. (opens his front door) Alright, that’s-- (Patrick sucks up the door)
SpongeBob: Let’s do your house, Patrick.
Patrick: Yeah! (both walk to Patrick’s rock, and they see Squidward digging a hole up to the surface, seeing as how he couldn’t exit his house any other way. He jumps out of it, fuming)
SpongeBob: Squidward, you’re steaming! You’re like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.
Squidward: Put my windows back!
SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward! We’re on your side! (he and Patrick set their blowers to "Blow" and aim at Squidward’s house) Any second now... (all the items fly out of the hoses at once and blow Squidward’s house to pieces. Debris falls everywhere)
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would-- (he is hit on the head with a rock) I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then go on living where I do now. (Squidward’s television falls to the ground and turns on. On the television is a squid, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow)
Squid on TV: Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it. Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the middle of the nearest three-way--?
Squidward: Four-way!
Squid on TV: Four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then continue living where you do now? Then move to-- (screen switches to static, as Patrick has changed the channel with a remote)
Patrick: I hate this channel.
Squidward: No! No! (grabs the remote and changes it back)
Squid on TV: --Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! (puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pop echoes. Bubble-wipe to a large complex, fenced off. There is a golden door, and above it is the sign "Tentacle Acres." Squidward walks to the door, with his clarinet and a few other things. He talks into the intercom on the door)
Squidward: Hello?
Guard: (over intercom speaker) Yes, can I help you?
Squidward: I’m here about the happiness. I’ll be moving in now.
Guard: Are you alone?
Squidward: No. I mean, yes. There’s nobody with me. Yes, peace and quiet.
Guard: Are you now, or have you ever been, a sponge?
Squidward: No.
Guard: What about a--?
Squidward: (cuts him off) No, no starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving-- (the door begins to rumble and the gates open, revealing an entire town of houses just like Squidward’s. The sky is pinkish-orange and there’s a rainbow. Squidward is overjoyed and walks in. Notices squids laying in lawn chairs, one of them tanning. Looks at something offscreen. Cut to two squid kids, a boy and a girl, at an ice cream truck driven by another squid. The truck is pink with "MARZIPAN" and what appears to be vanilla ice cream on it. "CAUTION," in red, is placed near the bottom. The sound of children laughing is heard as the boy raises one of his pods, giving what appears to be a thumbs-up, and both kids walk closer) Heaven at last. (runs into a squid in a purple shirt)
Purple-Shirt Squid: I've seen more alert people in a retirement home.
Squidward: Oh, which way to the Living-without-a-brain seminar? Don’t be late.
Purple-Shirt Squid: I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich. (walks off) Get a life! (Squidward squints angrily at him, then becomes happy)
Squidward: This place is even better than I expected! (cut to Squidward walking down the road, reading off the house numbers) 302, 303 and 304. Beautiful. (walks in to house 304) And not a pineapple in sight. (shuts the door. Bubble-wipe to later that night, where Squidward is in a cap, nightshirt, and slipper, going to bed. His clarinet, as always, is next to him) Good night, Clarry. Tomorrow, we begin life anew. (the phone rings, startling Squidward. Answers it) 304 New Life street, Squidward speaking! (hears SpongeBob on the other end speaking gibberish) There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob! I am finally among my own kind. (hears more garbling) Now goodbye! (hangs up. At SpongeBob’s place, he and Patrick are crushed and exchange gibberish. Croos-fade to Bikini Atoll at dawn. Cut to Tentacle Acres. Walks out of his house and breathes in the fresh air) Ahh... I think I’ll take my bike today. (walks off, takes his bike and rides down the street) I’m my own man. (runs into the purple-shirt squid from the other day, who is riding in a line of bike riders) Now these neighbors know how to live. (bubble-wipe to later. Parks his bike in front of a grocery store called Full of Health and walks in. Cut to inside, where Squidward is walking down an aisle) Intensive. Hmm... I bet they won’t have-- (gasps and grabs a can) Wow, they have it! (cut to a close-up of the can, labeled "Best Thing Since Sliced") Canned Bread! This town is great! (walks out of the store with a bag) I would really be impressed if it had... (slaps his forehead when he sees the building across the street) ..an Interpretive Dance Academy?! (runs in, now with headband and leotard, and begins dancing happily with the others, while the other squids aren’t as joyful) Yeah! It’s even better in a group! (bubble-wipe to later. Squidward is walking down the street) This town is perfect. (sees a gazebo with three squids playing clarinet) A clarinet trio? (runs up next to them and begins playing his clarinet. Camera pans up to the sky. Cross-fade to the next day; camera pans back down as a rooster crows. Squidward walks out again and breathes the fresh air) Ahh, another great day. (rides his bike down the street and runs into the same bike line) Oh, look! Everybody’s on their bike today. (walks his bike to Full of Health again and picks up another can of Canned Bread. Cut to him dancing at the academy) It just gets better and better! (cut to him with the trio) All together! (they all play. Cut to the next day. Walks out of his house, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays. Cut to the same routine: Squidward rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, and plays. This repeats numerous times, but Squidward gets increasingly less happy with this with each passing scene. Eventually, he’s really depressed, now playing with the trio) I sorta don’t feel like playing my clarinet today. (walks off. Bubble-wipe to the next day. Sits on a bench in the park, all glum) Yep, this is great. They might as well rename this town "Squidward’s Paradise." Or perhaps too much paradise. (hears a reef blower. Picks his head up expectedly) SpongeBob? (sees a squid blowing the leafs with it. The squid then leaves, leaving a sign next to the blower reading "Back whenever." Squidward is tempted, but dismisses it. The temptation proves to be too much, and he goes over and touches it, setting it off for a second. Giggles. Whistles nonchalantly, and knocks off the sign) Oops. (picks up the nozzle and switches it to "Suck." His nose gets sucked up. Switches it back to "Blow," freeing himself. His lengthened nose floats over it. Chuckles. A female squid walking by clears her throat. Quickly goes to the lawn) Leaves. Just getting the leaves. (she walks off. Takes the blower back to the bench and blows the nozzle on his face, distorting it upward. Blows on his eyelids, distorting them upward. Chuckles. Puts the nozzle under his shirt and blows that up too. Laughs. Points the nozzle to the left and is blown to the other side of the bench. Laughs again. Points the nozzle to the right and is blown off the bench. Laughs all the same. Two squids, a male and female, playing croquet nearby start getting annoyed)
Squidette: Would you pipe down over there, iron lung? (the two start laughing, their foreheads fluctuating up and down as they do. Squidward sucks up the croquet balls and the man’s stick which he was leaning on. He falls to the ground. Squidward begins to laugh)
Squidward: Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don’t have a leg to stand on! (continues laughing. The woman helps the man up)
Squidette: Hey! That’s not funny!
Man #1: Yeah! (another man walks by, clarinet in hand)
Man #2: What’s going on over hear? (the croquet woman points at Squidward)
Woman: It’s that guy! He’s playing with a reef blower!
Man #2: Playing with a reef blower? That’s the most childish thing I've ever heard of!
Squidward: But it’s fun! (the man laughs)
Man #2: How could you possibly have fun with one of those over-sized hair dryers?
Squidward: Like this! (sucks up the man’s clarinet, and it gets stuck in the nozzle, playing sour notes)
Man #2: (screams) Give it back! Please! (Squidward blows it back at him, lodging it in the middle of his face like a crease. Squidward laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the back "wheel," causing the squid to stop)
Squidward: Tag! You’re it! (blows on it, inflating the squid’s head)
Squid on Bike: (as his head inflates) Wha-huh?! (Squidward laughs and runs off. Cut to a Le Café stand, where two male squids, one of them the purple-shirt squid from earlier, walk up to it)
Woman: What can I get you boys? (Squidward opens a door on the stand and sucks up the two guys' eyes and noses and blows them back out, but puts two noses on one guy and four eyes on the other guy. He runs off laughing)
Squid with Two Noses: What are you looking at?
Purple-Shirt Squid: Nose. (SpongeBob and Patrick approach the complex)
SpongeBob: Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got the apology cake? (Patrick picks up a cake that reads "Sorry." He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them) We’re ready!
Patrick: (sarcastically) Ying! (SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom)
Guard: (over speaker) Hello, can I help you?
Patrick: Can I get a large #1, extra size?
SpongeBob: But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins. (Patrick opens his mouth, the fumes emerging from it. A foghorn sounds)
Patrick: I love fried oyster skins. (cut to inside the control room, where the Guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors)
Guard: We’re sorry, but your kind isn’t allowed here. (a security guard walks up next to him) He’s not leaving, Orville. (the fumes enter the room) You got your night stick ready? (they both smell the fumes) Fried oyster skins?! (both collapse, the Guard falling on a button opening the gate)
Patrick: I guess we've got to order inside. (within the copmplex, a group of squids are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them)
SpongeBob: Hey! That looked like Squidward! (the mob runs past them) That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! (Squidward has approached a dead end)
Policeman: Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!
Squidward: Stand back! I've got gardening tools! (the policeman hands him an envelope)
Policeman: Here! Just read this! (Squidward looks at it)
Squidward: What is it?
Policeman: A well thought out and organized list of complaints! (the mob shout out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)
SpongeBob: (notices a male squid) Patrick, look! It’s Squidward! (runs up to the guy and hugs him, but he’s a different squid with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward’s) Squidward! We finally found you! (the squid pushes SpongeBob off him)
Angry Squid: Get off me! I’m not Squidward!
Patrick: Are you Squidward now?
Squidward: Grievances! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed!... or at least painted a different color.
Policeman: FYI, you don’t have to live here, you know! (Squidward, and the crowd, smile)
Squidward: Hey, you’re right! (the crowd members' smiles fade) And I’m leaving ASAP! (SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward)
SpongeBob: (walks up to a random squid) Are you Squidward?
Squid: No. (SpongeBob walks up to the croquet woman)
SpongeBob: Are you Squidward?
Squidette: No. (Patrick talks to a fire hydrant)
Patrick: Are you Squidward? (gets no response) That’s OK, take your time. (SpongeBob walks up to him)
SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! (the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the reef blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally)
Squidward: Freedom! Woo-hoo! (laughs maniacally and talks in gibberish. SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon)
SpongeBob: Well, we know one thing: it sure isn’t that guy!
Squidward: (as he flies away) Woo-hoo! Whee! (episode ends)
