Episode Transcript: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired

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Episode Article: [[Mrs. Puff, You're Fired]]
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Episode Article: [[Mrs. Puff, You're Fired (Episode)|Mrs. Puff, You're Fired]]
  
 
==Characters==
 
==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob]]
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*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick Star]]
+
*[[Patrick Star|Patrick]]
 
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
 
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
 
*[[Sergeant Roderick]]
 
*[[Sergeant Roderick]]
 
*[[Mr. Fitz]]
 
*[[Mr. Fitz]]
 +
*[[French Narrator]]
  
 
==Dialogue==
 
==Dialogue==
 +
(episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
  
(At [[Mrs. Puff's Boating School]])<br>
+
'''Mr. Gunter Fitz''': Good morning, Mrs. Puff. I'm Mr. Fitz. I represent the 'Voting Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know, your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we've noticed there have been an unusually large number of failings from this classroom.
  
Mr. Fitz: Good morning, [[Mrs. Puff]]. I'm [[Mr. Fitz]]. I represent the 'Boating School Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know, your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we have noticed there have been an unusual large number of failings from
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.
this classroom.<br>
+
  
Mrs. Puff: That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times. (shows folder with a bunch of files, making a laughing SpongeBob)
  
Mr. Fitz: Yes, but [[SpongeBob|he's]] failed 1,258,056 times. (shows folder with a bunch of files, making a laughing SpongeBob)<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': You don't understand. SpongeBob is...unteachable.
  
Mrs. Puff: You don't understand. SpongeBob is unteachable.<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.
  
Mr. Fitz: We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Honk-honk! Beep-beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?
  
SpongeBob: Honk honk! Beep beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': OK, Mrs. Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced. (bubble-wipe to later)
  
Mr. Fitz: Ok, Mrs. Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced.<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': (in the boat with SpongeBob and Mr. Fitz) OK, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fitz everything I've taught you in boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?
  
Mrs. Puff: (in the boat with SpongeBob and Mr. Fitz) Ok, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fitz everything I've taught you in
+
'''SpongeBob''': (snaps fingers) Oh! Seatbelt-a-rooni. One second. (gets tangled in seat belt then squeezes self through. As
boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?<br>
+
SpongeBob is doing this, Mr. Fitz is writing on his notepad)
  
SpongeBob: (snaps fingers) Seat-belt-aroony. One second. (gets tangled in seat-belt then squeezes self through. As
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': Then what do you do?
SpongeBob is doing this, Mr. Fitz is writing on his notepad)<br>
+
  
Mrs. Puff: Then what do you do?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Start the engine?
  
SpongeBob: Start the engine?<br>
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'''Mrs. Puff''': Yes.
  
Mrs. Puff: Yes.<br>
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'''SpongeBob''': (starts the boat) Now what do I do?
  
SpongeBob: (starts the boat) Now what do I do?<br>
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'''Mrs. Puff''': Drive the boat. (SpongeBob drives into a boat)
  
Mrs. Puff: Drive the boat. (SpongeBob drives into a boat)<br>
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'''SpongeBob''': Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?
  
SpongeBob: Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': No, SpongeBob, you failed.
  
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you failed.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I failed?
  
SpongeBob: I failed?<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.
  
Mr. Fitz: It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? (laughs excitedly) No more...SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come. Whoo-hoo! Good-bye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life. (exhales her puffiness) Free at last. Free at last. (bubble-wipe to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, her name crossed out with paint. In the classroom, SpongeBob and his classmates are at their seats, but Mrs. Puff's desk is now vacant)
  
Mrs. Puff: I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? (laughs excitedly) No more SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come. Goodbye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life. (exhales her puffiness) Freedom at last.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I got Mrs. Puff fired. (an army sergeant breaks down the door)
  
(cut to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, her name was being crossed out with paint)
+
'''Sergeant Sam Roderick''': Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. (breaks Mrs. Puff's name tag in pieces) No one's ever failed my class...that's LIVED THROUGH it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spines will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. (students are freaking out) You will drive out of this school in style, or you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking.
  
SpongeBob: (in classroom) I got Mrs. Puff fired. (new teacher breaks down door)<br>
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'''Nat''': Does that mean-- (gets thrown through the door)
  
Instructor: Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. (breaks Mrs. Puff's name tag in pieces) No one's ever failed my  
+
'''Roderick''': Second rule: No eating in my class. (takes out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?
class...that's lived through it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your
+
spine will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. (students are freaking out) You will drive out of this
+
school in style. All you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First
+
rule: No talking.<br>
+
  
Student #1: Does that mean--(instructor throws student through the door)<br>
+
'''Monroe''': Uhh... I'll eat one. (Students gasp. Walks up to Sergeant Roderick)
  
Instructor: Second rule: No eating in my class. (takes out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Pick your favorite. (Monroe takes one and eats it) How's it taste?
  
Student #2: Uhh, I'll eat one. (Students gasp. Student #2 walks up to the instructor)<br>
+
'''Monroe''': It's a delightful taste sensation.<br>
  
Instructor: Pick your favorite. (student takes one and eats it) How's it taste?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': '''''NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM!''''' (throws Monroe through another door) Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... (everyone but SpongeBob run off) Looks like you're the man... sponge.
  
Student #2: It's a delightful taste sensation.<br>
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'''SpongeBob''': I am? (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Sergeant Roderick outside)
  
Instructor: He's eating in my class! (throws student #2 through another door) Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... (everyone but SpongeBob have run out on a boat somewhere pillaging and plundering) Looks like you're the man... Sponge.<br>
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'''Roderick''': Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?
  
SpongeBob: I am?<br>
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'''SpongeBob''': Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive! (jumps in the boat)
  
Instructor: (outside) Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?<br>
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'''Roderick''': What do you think you're doing?
  
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive! (jumps in the boat)<br>
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'''SpongeBob''': Ready for my test, sir.
  
Instructor: What do you think you're doing?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': (takes SpongeBob out of the boat) You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. (shows roads with all sorts of obstacles) This is ''the'' most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it.
  
SpongeBob: Ready for my test, sir.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Crawl?
  
Instructor: (takes SpongeBob out of the boat) You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. (shows roads with all sorts of obstacles) This is ''the'' most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. (SpongeBob crawls forward)
  
SpongeBob: Crawl?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Left turn. (turns left) Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!
  
Instructor: Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. (SpongeBob crawls forward)<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.
  
SpongeBob: Left turn. (turns left) Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': PEBBLE!! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! (crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand) Ow!! Wow!! (rolls down the obstacle course into the air, out of the water, then back down where the instructor catches him) Ow!! Wow!! Wow!! Wow!! Aah! (stops screaming) Whew!
  
Instructor: Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. What are you supposed to be learning in my class?
  
SpongeBob: Pebble!! (crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand and goes on yelling "oh woah!", then rolls down the obstacle course into the air, out of the water, then back down where the instructor catches him as he screams "oh woah!" until he stops screaming)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': How to drive, sir?
  
Instructor: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. What are you supposed to be learning in my class?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. And then you learn to walk and then you learn to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!
  
SpongeBob: How to drive, sir?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Sir, yes, sir!
  
[[Sergeant Roderick|Instructor]]: Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. Then you learn to walk and then you learn
+
'''Roderick''': Now get out there! (SpongeBob crawls around a hole. SpongeBob carries the instructor on his back) Hut! Hut! (then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste) Every good boater needs to know his vehicle inside and out. (hands SpongeBob a wrench) Here, go take that boat apart. (SpongeBob takes the boat apart) I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!
to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!<br>
+
  
SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': (laughs) Oh, that'll be easy.
  
Instructor: Now get out there! (SpongeBob crawls around a hole. SpongeBob carries the instructor on his back. Then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste) Every good boater needs to know his vehicle inside and out. (hands SpongeBob a wrench) Here, go take that boat apart. (SpongeBob takes the
+
'''Roderick''': Are you sure?
boat apart) I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!<br>
+
  
SpongeBob: (laughs) That'll be easy.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Um, yeah. You just put the jig-a-mahoos on the poo-hicky and uhh... (laughs) I might need a couple minutes. (bubble-wipe to later. Roderick is sleeping) It's ready, sarge!
  
Instructor: Are you sure?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Jumpin' jellyfish! (SpongeBob put back together a rocket as it blasts off. Bubble-wipe to later. Roderick is looking through some binoculars at SpongeBob, who is wearing a hat with mirrors on it. SpongeBob runs up to a red light and stops until it turns green)
  
SpongeBob: Um, yeah. You just put the jigamahoo on the doohicky and uhh... (laughs) I might need a couple minutes. (later, the instructor is sleeping) It's ready, serg!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestri...ans!! (he can't avoid the signs, crashes through a lot of pedestrians shattering them) Whoa! Aah!!! Whoa!! Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Wow! Oh!!!! Oh!!!!! (slides into the instructor who glares at him) So, umm, how'd I do?
  
Instructor: Jumpin' jellyfish! (SpongeBob put back together a rocket as it blasts off. Later, the instructor is looking through some binoculars at SpongeBob, who is wearing a hat with mirrors on it. SpongeBob runs up to a red light and stops until it turns green)<br>
+
'''Roderick''': How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this (holds up a piece of a pedestrian) pedestrian-- '''HOW YOU DID?!!!!?''' (bubble-wipe to much later. SpongeBob and Roderick are seen standing near each other)
  
SpongeBob: Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestrian!! (he can't avoid the signs, crashes through a lot of pedestrians) So, umm, how'd I do?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Now I know this road course forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?
  
Instructor: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian-- HOW YOU DID!<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Not quite. (puts blindfold on SpongeBob) Now do it blindfolded. (SpongeBob gets run over by a boat. Time card appears)
  
SpongeBob: Now I know this forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?<br>
+
'''French Narrator''': ''Several days later...''
  
Instructor: Not quite. (puts blindfold on SpongeBob) Now do it blindfolded. (SpongeBob gets run over by a boat)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': 1003, 1004, 1005. (running with his black shoes. Stops) Ooh, pebble #143. (steps over pebble) Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. (old lady pedestrian pops up) Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1 th...
  
Narrator: Several days later.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.
  
SpongeBob: 1003, 1004, 1005. (stops) Ooh, pebble #143. (steps over pebble) Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. (old lady pedestrian pops up) Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1...13.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... (runs into a pole)
  
Instructor: Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': (now in boat) Let's see what I taught you, laddy.
  
SpongeBob: Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... (runs into a pole)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Yes, sir! (drives boat) Left turn at pebble #143. (makes left turn) (pedestrian kid pops up. SpongeBob stops) Kid with a ball. (SpongeBob continues) Nice boy.
  
Instructor: (now in boat) Let's see what I taught you, laddy.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. (SpongeBob parallel parks) Very good. (now at real exam) Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fitz what you've learned.
  
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (drives boat) Left turn at pebble #143. (makes left turn) (pedestrian kid pops up. SpongeBob stops) Kid with a ball. (SpongeBob continues) Nice boy.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Yes, sir! Step 1: seat belts. (puts on seat belt with no problem)
  
Instructor: Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. (SpongeBob parallel parks) Very good. (now at real exam) Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fitz what you've learned.<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Excellent work, cadet. What's next?
  
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Step 1: seat belts. (puts on seat belt with no problem)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Step 2 would be...ignite engine.
  
Instructor: Excellent work, cadet. What's next?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Step 3?
  
SpongeBob: Step 2 would be...ignite engine.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Step 3 would be... (takes out blindfold) ...engage blindfold.
  
Instructor: Step 3?<br>
+
'''Roderick''': What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal!
  
SpongeBob: Step 3 would be... (takes out blindfold) ...engage blindfold.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': But I can't do it without a blindfold.
  
Instructor: What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal!<br>
+
'''Roderick''': Drive, boy! DRIVE! (SpongeBob drives into a gas can, blowing them out of the boating school) Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. (boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. It spurts out from a fire hydrant then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery)
  
SpongeBob: But I can't do it without a blindfold.<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': Oh, I feel so serene now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. (Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, Roderick, and Mr. Fitz fearing their lives)
  
Instructor: Drive! (SpongeBob drives into a gas can, blowing them out of the boating school) Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. (boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. Spurts out from a fire hydrant. Then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery)<br>
+
'''Roderick''': The brake, son!
  
Mrs. Puff: Ah, I feel so surreaned now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. (Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, the instructor, and Mr. Fitz fearing their lives)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Aye aye, sir. (takes brake apart) There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two little bolts.
  
Instructor: The brake, son!<br>
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'''Roderick''': I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. (jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it) Come get some! (boat runs over him)
  
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir. (takes brake apart) There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two little bolts.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Man down! Man down! (drives into the city and into each building) Uh, sorry, excuse me. Sorry.
  
Instructor: I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. (jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it) Come get some! (boat runs over him)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Hey, SpongeBob!
  
SpongeBob: Man down! Man down! (SpongeBob drives into the [[Bikini Bottom|city]] and into each building) Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now. (with Patrick's pants blocking his eyes) I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!
  
[[Patrick]]: Hey, SpongeBob!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (completely nude, running after SpongeBob) My pants!
  
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Hey! I can't see! (dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks) Did I pass?
  
Patrick: My pants!<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.
  
SpongeBob: Hey, I can't see! (dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks) Did I pass?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (takes his pants off SpongeBob's head) The nerve of some people.
  
Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.<br>
+
'''Mr. Fitz''': Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again. (bubble-wipe to boating school)
  
Patrick: (takes his pants off SpongeBob's head) The nerve of some people.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': (at boating school) Hey, Mrs. Puff, sorry that I'm unteachable.
  
Mr. Fitz: Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again.<br>
+
'''Mrs. Puff''': It's okay. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. And your OCA was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed.
  
SpongeBob: (at boating school) Hey, Mrs. Puff, sorry that I'm unteachable.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. (shows name tag) I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time. (Mrs. Puff cries and the name tag comes apart)
 
+
Mrs. Puff: It's ok. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. And your OCA was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed.<br>
+
 
+
SpongeBob: I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. (shows name tag) I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time. (Mrs. Puff cries and the name tag comes apart)
+
  
 
{{Transcripts/Season 4}}
 
{{Transcripts/Season 4}}
 
 
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[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 4]]
 
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 4]]
 
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Latest revision as of 16:04, 7 October 2024

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Krusty Towers Chimps Ahoy

Episode Article: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)

Mr. Gunter Fitz: Good morning, Mrs. Puff. I'm Mr. Fitz. I represent the 'Voting Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know, your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we've noticed there have been an unusually large number of failings from this classroom.

Mrs. Puff: That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.

Mr. Fitz: Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times. (shows folder with a bunch of files, making a laughing SpongeBob)

Mrs. Puff: You don't understand. SpongeBob is...unteachable.

Mr. Fitz: We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.

SpongeBob: Honk-honk! Beep-beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?

Mr. Fitz: OK, Mrs. Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced. (bubble-wipe to later)

Mrs. Puff: (in the boat with SpongeBob and Mr. Fitz) OK, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fitz everything I've taught you in boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?

SpongeBob: (snaps fingers) Oh! Seatbelt-a-rooni. One second. (gets tangled in seat belt then squeezes self through. As SpongeBob is doing this, Mr. Fitz is writing on his notepad)

Mrs. Puff: Then what do you do?

SpongeBob: Start the engine?

Mrs. Puff: Yes.

SpongeBob: (starts the boat) Now what do I do?

Mrs. Puff: Drive the boat. (SpongeBob drives into a boat)

SpongeBob: Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you failed.

SpongeBob: I failed?

Mr. Fitz: It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.

Mrs. Puff: I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? (laughs excitedly) No more...SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come. Whoo-hoo! Good-bye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life. (exhales her puffiness) Free at last. Free at last. (bubble-wipe to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, her name crossed out with paint. In the classroom, SpongeBob and his classmates are at their seats, but Mrs. Puff's desk is now vacant)

SpongeBob: I got Mrs. Puff fired. (an army sergeant breaks down the door)

Sergeant Sam Roderick: Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. (breaks Mrs. Puff's name tag in pieces) No one's ever failed my class...that's LIVED THROUGH it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spines will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. (students are freaking out) You will drive out of this school in style, or you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking.

Nat: Does that mean-- (gets thrown through the door)

Roderick: Second rule: No eating in my class. (takes out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?

Monroe: Uhh... I'll eat one. (Students gasp. Walks up to Sergeant Roderick)

Roderick: Pick your favorite. (Monroe takes one and eats it) How's it taste?

Monroe: It's a delightful taste sensation.

Roderick: NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM! (throws Monroe through another door) Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... (everyone but SpongeBob run off) Looks like you're the man... sponge.

SpongeBob: I am? (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Sergeant Roderick outside)

Roderick: Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?

SpongeBob: Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive! (jumps in the boat)

Roderick: What do you think you're doing?

SpongeBob: Ready for my test, sir.

Roderick: (takes SpongeBob out of the boat) You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. (shows roads with all sorts of obstacles) This is the most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it.

SpongeBob: Crawl?

Roderick: Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. (SpongeBob crawls forward)

SpongeBob: Left turn. (turns left) Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!

Roderick: Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.

SpongeBob: PEBBLE!! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! (crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand) Ow!! Wow!! (rolls down the obstacle course into the air, out of the water, then back down where the instructor catches him) Ow!! Wow!! Wow!! Wow!! Aah! (stops screaming) Whew!

Roderick: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. What are you supposed to be learning in my class?

SpongeBob: How to drive, sir?

Roderick: Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. And then you learn to walk and then you learn to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!

SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!

Roderick: Now get out there! (SpongeBob crawls around a hole. SpongeBob carries the instructor on his back) Hut! Hut! (then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste) Every good boater needs to know his vehicle inside and out. (hands SpongeBob a wrench) Here, go take that boat apart. (SpongeBob takes the boat apart) I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!

SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, that'll be easy.

Roderick: Are you sure?

SpongeBob: Um, yeah. You just put the jig-a-mahoos on the poo-hicky and uhh... (laughs) I might need a couple minutes. (bubble-wipe to later. Roderick is sleeping) It's ready, sarge!

Roderick: Jumpin' jellyfish! (SpongeBob put back together a rocket as it blasts off. Bubble-wipe to later. Roderick is looking through some binoculars at SpongeBob, who is wearing a hat with mirrors on it. SpongeBob runs up to a red light and stops until it turns green)

SpongeBob: Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestri...ans!! (he can't avoid the signs, crashes through a lot of pedestrians shattering them) Whoa! Aah!!! Whoa!! Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Wow! Oh!!!! Oh!!!!! (slides into the instructor who glares at him) So, umm, how'd I do?

Roderick: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this (holds up a piece of a pedestrian) pedestrian-- HOW YOU DID?!!!!? (bubble-wipe to much later. SpongeBob and Roderick are seen standing near each other)

SpongeBob: Now I know this road course forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?

Roderick: Not quite. (puts blindfold on SpongeBob) Now do it blindfolded. (SpongeBob gets run over by a boat. Time card appears)

French Narrator: Several days later...

SpongeBob: 1003, 1004, 1005. (running with his black shoes. Stops) Ooh, pebble #143. (steps over pebble) Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. (old lady pedestrian pops up) Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1 th...

Roderick: Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.

SpongeBob: Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... (runs into a pole)

Roderick: (now in boat) Let's see what I taught you, laddy.

SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (drives boat) Left turn at pebble #143. (makes left turn) (pedestrian kid pops up. SpongeBob stops) Kid with a ball. (SpongeBob continues) Nice boy.

Roderick: Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. (SpongeBob parallel parks) Very good. (now at real exam) Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fitz what you've learned.

SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Step 1: seat belts. (puts on seat belt with no problem)

Roderick: Excellent work, cadet. What's next?

SpongeBob: Step 2 would be...ignite engine.

Roderick: Step 3?

SpongeBob: Step 3 would be... (takes out blindfold) ...engage blindfold.

Roderick: What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal!

SpongeBob: But I can't do it without a blindfold.

Roderick: Drive, boy! DRIVE! (SpongeBob drives into a gas can, blowing them out of the boating school) Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. (boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. It spurts out from a fire hydrant then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery)

Mrs. Puff: Oh, I feel so serene now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. (Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, Roderick, and Mr. Fitz fearing their lives)

Roderick: The brake, son!

SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir. (takes brake apart) There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two little bolts.

Roderick: I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. (jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it) Come get some! (boat runs over him)

SpongeBob: Man down! Man down! (drives into the city and into each building) Uh, sorry, excuse me. Sorry.

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now. (with Patrick's pants blocking his eyes) I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!

Patrick: (completely nude, running after SpongeBob) My pants!

SpongeBob: Hey! I can't see! (dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks) Did I pass?

Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.

Patrick: (takes his pants off SpongeBob's head) The nerve of some people.

Mr. Fitz: Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again. (bubble-wipe to boating school)

SpongeBob: (at boating school) Hey, Mrs. Puff, sorry that I'm unteachable.

Mrs. Puff: It's okay. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. And your OCA was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed.

SpongeBob: I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. (shows name tag) I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time. (Mrs. Puff cries and the name tag comes apart)


Transcripts Episodes
Season 1 Season 1
Season 2 Season 2
Season 3 Season 3
Season 4 Season 4
Season 5 Season 5
Season 6 Season 6
Season 7 Season 7
Season 8 Season 8
Season 9 Season 9
Season 10 Season 10
Season 11 Season 11
Season 12 Season 12
Season 13 Season 13
Season 14 Season 14
Season 15 Season 15
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