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Episode Transcript: Krabby Land
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Episode Article: Krabby Land
Characters
- SpongeBob SquarePants
- Squidward Tentacles
- Gary
- Mr. Krabs
- Various kids
Dialogue
(episode begins outside SongeBob’s house)
SpongeBob: (reads a newspaper while sipping some coffee) Ah, I don’t know how you do it, Gare Bear, but that’s the best cup of French toast I've ever had.
Gary: (sits at the counter) Meow.
SpongeBob: Well, time to punch that clock. (puts his hat on and walks into the living room) But not before checking my motivational "Quote-a-Day" calendar. (calendar reads "June 21") You are a winner. (hugs himself then looks back at the calendar and gasps) And today’s the first day of summer! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab where Squidward is at the register, bored. Walks through the doors with a pink flower around his head. Tosses flower buds into the air) Happy first day of summer, Squidward! (walks over to Squidward) Care to join me for solstice caroling? (sings in a high voice) Walking in the grass, it’s so fine, don’t need shoes in the summertime! (tosses more flower buds at Squidward)
Squidward: I’m not much of a summer person, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: Davy Jones on the jib! Do my ears deceive me? Is it really the first day of summer? Is it?
SpongeBob: (chuckles) Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: (does a few back flips in the air) Whee-hoo! (runs over to the window)
SpongeBob: (walks up to him) Gee, Mr. K., you sure have a scorching case of summer fever! (turns around) What is it about summertime that makes us so happy? The firefly-lit nights, the intoxicating aroma of a charcoal briquette, the hypnotic sound of a lawnmower running over a flip-flop?
Mr. Krabs: The money!
SpongeBob: The money?
Mr. Krabs: Er, uh... I mean, uh... the children!
SpongeBob: Oh.
Mr. Krabs: You see, boy, during the summer, the children are excused from their classes, a recess commonly referred to as summer break. (sits down on a barrel and SpongeBob sits on his lap)
SpongeBob: Tell me more about summer break. (cross-fade to a school. A school bell rings and all the kids run out of the school)
Mr. Krabs: Well, during this summer break, the children wander Bikini Bottom unsupervised, (a child runs by with a full pocket of coins. The inside of the pocket is shown after a few seconds) their pockets lined with allowance. (cut back to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob) Free to spend their money without any parental guidance whatsoever. (pulls down a menu) I guess that’s what I like best. (puts a sticker labeled "4.99" next to the Kiddie Meal) Sure, I suppose some would try and take advantage of this situation by selling them toys or candy, but I sleep well at night with the knowledge that I’m providing them with something they need: a nutritious meal. (goes over to the front window) Come here, you little piggies!<
SpongeBob: I've been taught the true meaning of summer. (time card appears)
French Narrator: Later... (Mr. Krabs is still standing at the window with the same expression on his face)
SpongeBob: (walks up) Almost closing time, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: What? But that’s impossible. (sobs) What about the money? I mean, uh... uh... what about the children? (SpongeBob shrugs. Sighs) I guess summer isn’t coming this year.
SpongeBob: Hey, maybe they’re all at that new playground over there. (points at a playground where kids are playing. Camera zooms in)
Mr. Krabs: Playground? Luring away me young customers? Warm up the boat, SpongeBob. (bubble-wipe to the playground. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs pull up in a boat. They peek out using a pair of binoculars)
SpongeBob: See anything, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, they’re here, all right. Just look at them, SpongeBob. (two kids are swinging) So weak and malnourished. (a kid is eating a lollipop) With nobody trying to sell 'em nothing. (another kid, a young Nat Peterson, slides down a slide) Breaks me heart. (cries) No...! I've got nothing to live for, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: The way you drove the boat while lying on the ground was kind of cool.
Mr. Krabs: True. But that’s not gonna get these munchkins away from this playground. Unless... hmmm... see you tomorrow, boy. Got a lot of work to do. (drives off)
SpongeBob: You got it, Mr. Krabs... hey! (wipe to SpongeBob walking to the Krusty Krab) Another day, another dollar. Gee, I wonder what Mr. Krabs has been up to since I saw him last and then went home to do nothing of particular interest 'til this very moment. (stares at something in the distance) Huh? (a group of kids are lined up at the Krusty Krab where a sign reading "KRABBY LAND" is hanging. A giant sheet is covering some sort of area. SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs, who is wearing what appears to be an utility belt and is using a hammer)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! (sticks the hammer in his belt) You’re just in time for the grand unveiling of Krabby Land!
SpongeBob: Krabby Land, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, (holds up a smaller sign also reading "KRABBY LAND") Krabby Land! Where a kid can have fun, for the right price. (laughs and throws the sign away. A kid walks up to him) Welcome to the Krusty Krab, young man. What’s your name?
Kid: Monroe.
Mr. Krabs: Nice to meet you, Monroe. (picks him up and laughs)
Monroe: Whee!
Mr. Krabs: (shakes Monroe and hears change in his pocket) Mmm... a-ha! (gets dollar signs in his eyes. Puts Monroe down) Okay, money-- I mean, err... children. It’s time for the grand unveiling of... money-- I mean, Krabby Land! (the kids cheer) Okay, kids, now promise Uncle Krabs that if you get hungry while you’re playing, you’ll come inside for some delicious, nutritious Krabby Patties.
Kids: We promise.
Mr. Krabs: All right, here we go! (grabs the sheet covering the play area) I give you... (pulls off the sheet) Krabby Land...!
Kids: Yeah! (kids' cheers soon turn into speechless disappointed frowns. Cut to Krabby Land, which is revealed to be little more than a cheap, junky, trashy makeshift playground. There is a lot of junk on the ground, amongst them a poorly-constructed playground slide made of used junk, hoses hanging from bamboo, a tire swing composed of two planks of wood that look four feet tall with a tire attached by rope to one of the planks, and a toaster without a wire connected to a spring. Cut to "Fort Adventure," which is a junky shelter composed of a pair of trash cans, a piece of wood, a wooden sign reading "FORT ADVENTURE" and some other parts. Cut to "Hose World," which contains a couple of rusty filthy hoses hung up on a bamboo post with a sign reading "HOSE WORLD" planted on the ground. One hose constantly drips water. Cut to "Toaster Rodeo," which consists of two toasters without wires connected to springs with a sign reading "TOASTER RODEO" planted on the ground. Cut to "Rocket Ship Fantastica," which contains a swung hanger made of pieces of wood and a very heavy pipe-like tube, attached to a rope, swinging slowly with a sign reading "ROCKET SHIP FANTASTICA" planted on the ground. The tube breaks off its rope and falls, landing on the ground and causing the sign to lean slightly downwards)
Kid: (climbs up a slide and sits down at the top, about to go down, when it breaks apart, causing him to fall) Whoa! (hits the ground) Oof! (he is now lying on the ground) Where am I?
Mr. Krabs: Eh... that reminds me. I forgot to give you these... (holds up papers) ...coloring books/liability wavers! Everyone who hands theirs back gets to meet the one and only Krabby the Clown!
Kids: Yay!
Mr. Krabs: Have fun and don’t forget to eat... (holds up a Krabby Patty) ...plenty of vitamin-enriched Krabby Patties, Krabby the Clown’s favorite meal.
Kids: (chanting) We want Krabby! We want Krabby!
SpongeBob: Where is Krabby, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: He’ll be here after I count their money. Just stall 'em.
SpongeBob: Stall 'em? How do I do that?
Mr. Krabs: I don’t know. Be entertaining. (leaves)
SpongeBob: (turns around and nervously laughs at the kids) Hey, kids! (waves but the kids are angry)
Monroe: You’re not Krabby the Clown.
SpongeBob: No, I’m not. I’m, uh... (puts on a red mask) I’m Krabby’s beloved sidekick, the Krabby Patty... umm... Burglar!
Kid: Lame.
SpongeBob: Krabby will be here soon. He, uh, had to take the bus. But in the meantime, let’s have some fun! You kids like bubbles? (picks up a bubble wand)
Monroe: No.
SpongeBob: Well, you've never seen my bubbles. (blows a jellyfish bubble) Voila! A bubble shaped like a jellyfish. How 'bout that?
Kid: Still lame. (bubble pops)
SpongeBob: (dips wand again) Okay, prepare to be blown back on your tailfins. (blows a unicorn bubble) Ta-da! (kid pops the bubble) Uh... huh.
Kids: You stink, bring on the clown!
SpongeBob: Okay, uh... and now for a finale! (starts blowing a bubble)
Kids: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
SpongeBob: (the bubble pops in his eyes, making them red. Screams) My eyes! (screams and trips over a barrel) Whoa! (crashes into the "Pit of Doom," which is little more than a bashed in dumpster with the name spray painted on it. Swings over and breaks a tire swing, different from the one shown earlier. Lands in a makeshift ball pit consisting entirely of a pool of multicolored bowling balls. The tire lands on him. Kids start to laugh; thinking to himself) They seem to respond to me being in pain. They enjoy other people’s misery. (jumps up) Hey kids, check this out. (picks up his bubble wand and dips it in the bubble soap then throws the wand away. Pours all the bubble soap in his eyes and screams)
Kids: Woo-hoo!
SpongeBob: I got 'em right where I want 'em. (bubble-wipe to a montage. Puts a piece of tape on his face and rips it off, revealing a portion of his face is missing. Screams)
Kids: Woo-hoo! Yeah! (SpongeBob lies on the ground with his tongue sticking out. A truck runs over his tongue over and over as he screams. The kids laugh. SpongeBob walks up to a muscular fish and hands him some money. The muscular fish hits him with a big hammer. SpongeBob gives the thumbs up) Yeah, hoo! (muscular fish smashes SpongeBob with a wrecking ball. The kids laugh. SpongeBob gives a thumbs-up. Later, SpongeBob is tied to two poles with another muscular fish holding a can of Lima Beans. He screams as the muscular fish pulls out a spoonful of Lima Beans, which the fish shoves in SpongeBob’s mouth. All the kids cheer and are shown laughing again)
SpongeBob: (he is being used as a ball in the two muscular fishes' ping-pong-style tennis game) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Kids: Yay! (SpongeBob’s arms are getting stretched by both muscular fish) Yeah! (SpongeBob is in two pieces but gives two thumbs up. Bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs' office where he is counting the money he has received from the kids. SpongeBob enters his office, looking bruised and without his limbs)
SpongeBob: Ugh, Mr. Krabs? I can’t take any more of this stalling stuff.
Mr. Krabs: (glares) Always thinking about yourself. Get out there and stall! And what happened to your arms and legs, boy?
SpongeBob: The kids are using them as... boomerangs. (one of SpongeBob’s legs, bent to resemble a boomerang, flies in and out)
Mr. Krabs: Boomerangs? Oh no! They might break my windows!
SpongeBob: What are we gonna do?
Mr. Krabs: Well, now that all their money’s counted, tell them Krabby has just arrived!
SpongeBob: (hops on top of the table) Really? He’s here? (bounces up and down) Oh, boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Mr. Krabs: Get out there and tell 'em!
SpongeBob: (walks outside) Listen everybody. Krabby the Clown is in the building!
Kids: Yay!
SpongeBob: Who do you want?
Kids: Krabby!
SpongeBob: When do you want him?
Kids: Now! (all run inside, carrying SpongeBob with them; chanting) Krabby, Krabby, Krabby, Krabby! (the kids and SpongeBo run up to Mr. Krabs) Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, kids! Are you ready to meet Krabby the Clown?
Kids and SpongeBob: Yay!
Mr. Krabs: All right, here you go! (turns around to put something on. When he turns back around, he’s wearing a blue nose and a yellow and green polka-dotted tie) Hey kids! Uh... thank you all for coming! Thank you. Eat plenty of Krabby Patties! (laughs and walks back toward his office, leaving behind a shocked, disappointed, unhappy, speechless crowd of children with an equally shocked and disappointed SpongeBob. Takes off his tie) Ah, Krabs, you've done it again!
SpongeBob: I’ll say you have.
Mr. Krabs: (turns around) SpongeBob?
'SpongeBob: (points to Mr. Krabs) How could you, Mr. Krabs? You promised these children Krabby the Clown, but all I saw out there was... Cheapy the Cheapskate!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I ain’t cheap! (takes off the blue nose and rubs it, revealing that it was a tomato painted blue) Now take this tomato back to the kitchen before it spoils.
SpongeBob: But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?
Mr. Krabs: (walks to the window) The children? Oh, I don’t care about the children. (starts to climb out the window) I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. (climbs out) Survival of the fittest, SpongeBob! Survival of the fittest. (laughs)
Kid: Ahem.
Mr. Krabs: Huh? (children are standing behind him glaring at him, having overheard Krabs' confession) Oh, hey kids. (smiles) Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.
Monroe: Get him! (all the kids run after him. Mr. Krabs gives an "Uh-oh" expression)
SpongeBob: (inside, sounds of Mr. Krabs getting beat up by the kids are heard) Aw, I suppose I’ll never know the true meaning of summer. I thought I knew it once, but that was a long, long time ago.
Squidward: You mean this morning?
SpongeBob: Yeah. (a noise is heard outside)
Monroe: Come on outside, Mr. SquarePants. It’s a summer miracle!
Kids: (money is falling from the sky) Yay! Hooray!
SpongeBob: Wow, thousands of dollars fluttering in the breeze. I guess that’s the true meaning of summer.
Kids: Hooray! (a kid on top of the Krusty Krab is throwing money down)
SpongeBob: (turns to Squidard) Where’s Mr. Krabs? He’s missing out on all the summer fun.
Mr. Krabs: (he is tied to poles like SpongeBob was earlier. One of the two muscular fish from earlier stands nearby) Let me go! I gotta get some of that green stuff! (the muscular fish places a spoon of Lima Beans in front of him) No, not that green stuff! (a Lima Bean truck, driven by the other muscular fish, backs up) No! OH NO...!
