Episode Transcript: Chocolate With Nuts

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Party Pooper Pants Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V

Episode Article: Chocolate With Nuts

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(SpongeBob is sitting in a mailbox as the mailman comes up and opens the mailbox)

SpongeBob: Hi mailman! (mailman screams and runs as he drops the mail by the mailbox) OK, see you tomorrow!

Patrick: Hey, the mail's here. What did you get?

SpongeBob: Let's see...Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary... (throws the mail behind him that isn't his) Hey, a magazine. (doesn't throw magazine away, even though it isn't his) That's funny. I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest. (both look inside the magazine)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!

SpongeBob: Look at these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living. This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool.

Patrick: (points to a rich man with glasses) This guy's got shoes! (Squidward comes up and grabs the magazine)

Squidward: Give me that! Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities.

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how did people in that magazine get all that money?

Squidward: They're entrepreneurs, they sell things to people!

SpongeBob: Well, what kind of things?

Squidward: How should I know? Things people want to buy. Now keep your paws off my mail. (walks off to his house)

SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We got to become entrepreneurs!

Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?

SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?

Patrick: Uhh... more time for thinking.

SpongeBob: No, something real, like an item, something you would pay for.

Patrick: A chocolate bar?

SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Patrick! We'll be traveling chocolate bar salesmen. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking out of Barg-N Mart with a bunch of chocolate bars)

SpongeBob: Fancy Livin', here we come!

Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs (pronounces it "auntre-penooers")!

SpongeBob: OK, Patrick, this is it. The first step on our road to living fancy. Just follow my lead. (they walk up to a house and knocks on the door. Tom opens the door) Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some chocolate?

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say... chocolate?

Patrick: Yes sir! With or without nuts? (holds up two different chocolate bars)

Tom: Chocolate? (turns red angrily) Chocolate! (SpongeBob and Patrick back up after seeing the ticked off Tom) CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! (SpongeBob and Patrick run away as Tom chases after them. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to another house)

SpongeBob: OK, that first guy didn't count. This is our real first step. (door opens) Good morning sir, would you like to buy some chocolate?

Salesman: Chocolate bars, eh?

SpongeBob: Yes sir, we are chocolate bar salesmen.

Salesman: (chuckles) A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise. (we see Patrick with a bunch of chocolate bars stuffed in his pants) No, no, no, wrong. You boys want to be good salesmen, right?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!

Salesman: Well, no self-respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (holds up an orange bag)

SpongeBob: Wow...what is it?

Salesman: It's a candy bar bag, you knucklehead. It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort. But, I'm wasting my time. You boys don't need these bags.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We need them, we need them! (the man grins. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob giving some money to the man. SpongeBob and Patrick walk off with their arms full of the orange bags)

Salesman: So long boys! Happy hunting! (chuckles) Suckers. (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking with the bags. In the background, we can see the house move offscreen)

Music: Fancy Livin'

SpongeBob and Patrick: Fancy livin',
Here we come!
La la la la laaa!

SpongeBob: Let's try next door! (uses his foot to ring the doorbell. The man from before answers)

Salesman: Yes?

SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

Salesman: I don't recall. But it looks to me you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady-killers are too smart to be without my patented candy bar bag carrying bags. (holds up two larger red bags)

Patrick: We'll take 20. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick with two big red bags at another house. SpongeBob knocks)

Woman: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?

SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?

Woman: That sounds heavenly. I'll take one. (SpongeBob unzips his red bag)

SpongeBob: One chocolate bar coming up! (unzips the bag but one of the orange bags comes out. Laughs nervously as he keeps trying to find the chocolate bar but only finds more orange bags. Patrick unzips his pants up and down) I know they're in here somewhere...

Woman: I don't have time for this. (closes the door)

SpongeBob: I got it! One chocolate bar for the nice...

Tom: Chocolate!!

SpongeBob: ...lady

Tom: Chocolate!! Chocolate!! Chocolate!! (SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Tom chases after them. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner)

SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.

Patrick: Umm, I got it. Let's get naked!

SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate. There must be something. What was the reason we bought those bags?

Patrick: He said we were mediocre.

SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!

Patrick: Yeah, he did. I'm going back to buy more bags! (runs off)

SpongeBob: No, wait Patrick! (Patrick freezes where he is) Why don't we try being nice?

Patrick: Oh, okay. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a house)

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. (Patrick knocks on the door and it opens)

Fish: Hello?

Patrick: (with a weird look on his face) I love you. (fish slams the door)

SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try. (rings the doorbell. Door opens)

Fish: No, please, go away!

SpongeBob: Uhh...ahem. H-How ya doin'?

Fish: How am I doing?

SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?

Patrick: We got him now!

Fish: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy? (Patrick's stomach is bubbling)

Patrick: Hehe, it tickles.

Fish: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang. (shows a picture of a fat version of himself when he was 13) You can keep that for five bucks. (Patrick holds up some money)

Patrick: I'll take 10! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob walking down the street again)

SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I have a feeling we're too easily distracted. (Patrick is looking at the photo of the fish)

Patrick: Huh?

SpongeBob: Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.

Patrick: What?

SpongeBob: Let's shake on it.

Patrick: Did you say something?

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus. (knocks on the door)

Fish #2: Yes?

SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars. (hypnotic music plays Patrick stretches his eyes back and forth on the fish like Kaa the snake)

Fish #2: Why is Chubby here staring at me?

Patrick: Focusing.

Fish #2: Back up, Jack! (slams the door on Patrick's eyes. Patrick looks around his house)

Patrick: Nice place you got here! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street)

SpongeBob: I can't understand what we're doing wrong.

Patrick: I can't understand anything.

SpongeBob: There must be something to this selling game that we're just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that! (points to a giant billboard)

Patrick: (reads the sign) "Eat Barnacle Chips: They're Delicious"

SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious.

Patrick: Not the way I use them!

SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day.

Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.

SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick. We've got to stretch the truth.

Tom: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!! (SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Bubble-wipe to them at another house)

SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up, then you come in for the kill.

Patrick: The kill. (SpongeBob rings the doorbell as an elderly lady answers it)

Mary: Yes?

SpongeBob: Hello, young lady. (chuckles) We're selling chocolate. Is your mother home?

Mary: Mom! (her mom, who is a worm-like shaped person, comes up in a wheelchair)

Mary's Mom: What? What! What’s all that yelling? You just can't wait for me to die, can you?

Mary: They're selling chocolate.

Mary's Mom: Chocolate?

Mary: Yeah!

Mary's Mom: What? What are they selling?

Mary: Chocolate!

Mary's Mom: What?

Mary: Chocolate!

Mary's Mom: I can't hear you!

Mary: (yells) They're selling chocolate!

Mary's Mom: They're selling chocolate?

Mary: (yells) Yeah!

Mary's Mom: Chocolate? I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!

SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating! It's for--

Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.

Mary: No, no, no...

Mary's Mom: Live forever, you say? I'll take one. (daughter smacks her forehead. She gives SpongeBob some money as he gives her a chocolate bar) Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

Mary: (to SpongeBob) I hate you! (closes door)

SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!

Patrick: Hooray for lying! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick at another house)

SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.

Fred: Great, my wife's trying to grow a beard. (cut to another house)

SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart!

Hillbilly: I'll take 20! (cut to another house)

Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier! (we see a starfish that looks like Patrick but is wearing a shirt)

Starfish: Just in time.

SpongeBob: Plus, they help make you fly.

Patrick: You'll fall in love.

SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace.

Patrick: You'll walk through walls.

SpongeBob: (dresses as a king) You'll rule the WORLD! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick all bandaged up. Patrick uses two of his rumors to ring the door bell)

Patrick: (chuckles) This'll be the best lie yet!

SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel so sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate. (door opens)

Salesman: What can I do for you boys?

SpongeBob: Hello, would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.

Salesman: Really? Small world. (guy walks out in a body cast) What's wrong with you guys?

SpongeBob: Uhh...we've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.

Salesman: (sighs) Some guys have all the luck. (sad violin music plays) I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. (SpongeBob and Patrick look sad. A tear rolls down his cheek) At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. (the wheel under his leg breaks off) Oh no! (falls down the stairs and groans)

SpongeBob: Quick, Patrick, let's help him. (SpongeBob and Patrick carry him inside) Careful. Put him down gently. (Patrick drops him. Shattering glass is heard offscreen)

Salesman': Ow!

SpongeBob: You poor, poor man. If there's anything, anything we can do to help you...

Salesman: Well, there is one thing. As you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high. But luckily, I'm able to keep myself alive by selling chocolate bars. (camera pans over to a box of chocolate bars. Bubble-wipe to the crippled man looking out the window at SpongeBob and Patrick, who are walking off with some boxes of chocolate bars in their hands) Such nice boys. It does my heart good... (unzips his cast showing that he is the salesman from before) ...to con a couple of class-A suckeroonies like those two! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

SpongeBob: Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out but there's no one else in town to sell chocolate bars to. (falls backward and the box he was carrying falls on his face) Let's face it Patrick, we're failures. (Patrick puts his box on top of SpongeBob's, then sits on it)

Patrick: I can live with that.

SpongeBob: Let's change our names to "Why" and "Bother".


SpongeBob and Patrick: No! Please don't hurt us! No, please have mercy!

Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I've got you right where I want you... (calms down and shows them a large pile of money) I'd like to buy all your chocolate. (chocolate bars blow out from Patrick's pants, ending with a Hershey's kiss. SpongeBob and Patrick melt into puddles)

SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage. (bubble-wipe to Patrick pushing a wheelbarrow full of money)

Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: (pops up from pile of money) Not yet, Pally! First, we gotta spend all the money.

Patrick: But what are we gonna spend it on?

SpongeBob: Hmm... (bubble-wipe to the restaurant Fancy!)

Squidward: Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.

Waiter: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.

Squidward: But, it's my only night to be fancy. Oh, well, Who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant?

Waiter: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs, and their dates. (leans in close to Squidward with a fancy grin. Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother sitting at a table)

SpongeBob: So. How long have you two ladies known each other?

Mary's Mom: What? What did he say?

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