Episode Transcript: Party Pooper Pants

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Episode Article: Party Pooper Pants


Narrator: Ah, the Barg’n Mart. A consumer’s paradise of brand-like items, stocked as far as the eye can see. (SpongeBob is running down the aisles trying to get to the check-out counter as soon as possible)
SpongeBob: Boom! 19 seconds! That’s a new record, Lou!
Lou: Uhh, that’s great, SpongeBob. $1.42.
SpongeBob: But it’s not an official record until we record it in the Book of Records. (writes the record down in a book) 19 seconds.
Lou: Ok, it’s a $1.42.
SpongeBob: Sign here please. (signs) Initial here, here, and here. (SpongeBob notices a picture of Lou from a while back) Oh look, it’s a picture I took of you the first time I ever came here! (picture shows a happy Lou) Look at you, so young and happy! (puts the picture down and we see a sad Lou) Where do the years go? Hey, what’s that? 'Plan Your Own Party Kit'? Hey Lou, how much?
Lou: For the Plan Your Own Party kit? Oh, we’re having a special on those. Uhh, they’re free, but you have to leave, right now. (scene cuts to SpongeBob's house)
SpongeBob: Let’s see Gary, according to the 'Plan Your Own Party Kit', invitations are the first order of business. (reads first thing on list) A guest list consisting only your closest acquaintances will set an intimate tone for the evening and provide soiree success. Well, you heard the man, Gary, only our closest friends.
Husband: (reads invitation) Who the barnacle is SpongeBob Squarepants? (wife peeks from around the corner)
Wife: I believe you went to kindergarten with him, dear. (shows a picture of SpongeBob and his Kindergarten class)
Husband: Kindergarten, huh? Oh yeah, Squarepants. Well, it’s time to move again.
SpongeBob: Boy, Gary, this 'Plan Your Own Party Kit' is a real life-saver. (mixing ingredients and reading a cook book) How else would I have known to make freshly-whipped clotted cream. (takes a little taste) Gary, you better call an astronomer, because this clotted cream is outta this world! (timer goes off) My piñata! (takes out the piñata from the oven and tosses it around because it's hot then puts it on the table) The 'Plan Your Own Party Kit' suggests creativity when stuffing your piñata, so I’m using deviled eggs. (puts eggs in the piñata)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Good question Gary, but not to worry. The 'Plan Your Own Party Kit' warns that unsupervised parties can lead to disaster. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of devising a schedule! (takes out list) 8:00-8:05: Guests arrive. 8:05-8:15: Opening remarks and general discussion. 8:15-8:27: Craft corner, followed by name tag distribution. (list rolls across the table) At 8:27, we begin the qualifying rounds for our cracker-eating slash tongue-twister contest. 9:07: running charades. (list rolls along the wall) 9:38: charity apple-bob. (list is still rolling around) 9:57: Electric jitterbug dance marathon, ladies’ choice. (winks at Gary. The list stops on SpongeBob's head) At 10:09, things start cooking as I dig into my world-famous knock-knock joke vault!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: And as long as we stick to this schedule, our party is a guaranteed success! This is gonna be the coolest party eva! (puts a party hat on Gary’s shell)
(Episode stops to show a Patchy segment)
Narrator: While Patchy pulls himself together, let’s see how SpongeBob’s party is working out. (shows SpongeBobs house decorated)
SpongeBob: Ok, Gary, get ready. It’s almost 8:00! And here they come! (looks at his watch) Don’t worry too much Gary, it’s only ten seconds past 8:00. (gasps) Now it’s twenty seconds past 8:00! Maybe no one got their invitations! 30 seconds past 8:00! Oh, I’m doomed! (cries) No one’s coming! I’m the worst host ever! (doorbell rings) Oh, the first guest! And only 40 seconds late. (opens door to see Patrick)
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Welcome Patrick! May I compliment you on being fashionably late? Can I get you a glass of punch?
Patrick: Sure? (SpongeBob runs over and pours a glass)
SpongeBob: Did you have any trouble finding the place? (gives Patrick the glass) Here you are!
Patrick: Thanks. (drinks some punch)
SpongeBob: So, the punch ok?
Patrick: Not bad, not bad.
SpongeBob: Hmmm, nice weather we’re having.
Patrick: It’s been very mild, yes.
SpongeBob: Yep, it’s mild season. (nervously laughs) Ahem. So, you read any... (doorbell rings) Oh, more party guests! (Mr Krabs has walked in with a purple coat on) Welcome Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: Ahoy, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Please let Gary take your coat, then allow me to offer you some hors d’oeuvres and a glass of punch.
Mr Krabs: Don’t mind if I do! (drops his coat on Gary. Gary sticks his eyes out of the sleeves)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: (looks over his party list) Two down, one hundred and seventy-five to go. Oh, I almost forgot... (hands Patrick and Mr Krabs nametags) These nametags eliminate the need for awkward introductions. (doorbell rings) Oh, more guests! (Patrick tries to read his nametag upside down)
Patrick: Kcirtap si eman ym o77eh. I don’t get it.
Mr Krabs: No, you dumb bunny, it says, 'Hello, my name is Patrick'/
Patrick: (shakes Mr Krabs hand) Nice to meet you Patrick.
Mr Krabs: (laughs) Good one, Patrick! (both laugh)
Patrick: Yeah.
SpongeBob: What’s going on here? The laughter isn’t scheduled until 9:03! You want to throw a party, do it at your house, Patrick. (doorbell rings)
Patrick: Was he talking to me or you? (SpongeBob opens door to Squidward)
SpongeBob: Squidward, you made it!
Squidward: My cable’s out. (SpongeBob hides some wire cutters behind his back)
SpongeBob: Oh, uhh, sorry to hear about that.
Mr Krabs: So, uhh, how’s it going Squidward?
Squidward: Not bad.
SpongeBob: I have you making mild conversation with Mr Krabs from 10:41 to 10:47. But if you’ve got a case of the jabberjaws, I can hook you up with Scooter. Here are some topic cards to break the ice. (hands them some cards. The doorbell rings) Oh, someone’s at the door!
Scooter: Mine says, 'What came first?: the oyster or the pearl?' You take the side of the pearl! (Squidward throws away his card and walks away)
Squidward: This is lame.
Lady Fish: My card says, 'Discuss the philosophical nature of irony.' What does yours say?
Patrick: 'Nod politely'. (shown Mr Krabs and Plankton with cards)
Mr Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?
Plankton: Oh, uhh, it says, (really shows 'Where are You From?') 'Discuss the secret ingredient of the Krabby Patty formula.' (clears throat) How interesting.
Mr Krabs: Nice try, Plankton. (everyone is chattering amongst themselves. The doorbell rings)
SpongeBob: Well, it’s about time. Ok, everyone, the last guest is about to arrive...22 minutes late! (opens up the door to a fish)
Tom: Hey, hey! (SpongeBob folds his arms in a sort of anger. The fish laughs nervously as SpongeBob walks into the party)
SpongeBob: Attention everyone. Attention please! Now that we’re all here, I officially declare the party switch to be in the 'on' position! (silence) (everyone claps silently) As soon as I get back from the coat room, we’ll have a rundown of tonight’s schedule. Try not to have too much fun without me! (laughs as he walks into a room with a sign that reads 'Coat Check'.) Seriously. (closes door)
Narrator: That includes you folks. SpongeBob’s House Party will return after these messages.
Narrator: Ahoy there! Welcome back to SpongeBob’s House Party! (scene cuts back to SpongeBob and Gary in the coat room)
SpongeBob: Hey Gar, got another coat for you. (throws the coat on Gary) The party’s going great, by the way. They’re gonna be talking about this one for a long, long time. Well, back to work. (laughs and walks back out with his clipboard) Ok, everyone. Let’s...huh? What’s going on here? (guests are talking and dancing to the music. SpongeBob starts to hyperventilate) This is all wrong! What’s happening to my party? (scene cuts to Sandy and Larry dancing) No, no, no, no, no! Didn’t you read the schedule? 10:00pm: Dance your pants off! 10:00pm! (scene cuts to some a fish eating cake. SpongeBob takes a vacuum and sucks out all the food from his mouth) Let’s try to stick to the schedule, shall we? Cake will be eaten at 8:52, everyone! 8:52! (switches into 'blower'. Slice of cake is blown perfectly back into the rest of the cake. A plate with bacon and eggs is blown onto the table) Hey, what’s this?
Fish: That’s my breakfast.
SpongeBob: Could I have everyone’s attention please? (Patrick is dancing by the record player) Patrick! (stops the music) If everyone could take a seat on the couch please, while I sort this out. Thank you, thanks. (the guests walk over to the couch) Hey everybody, thanks for your patience. I know we’ve gotten off to a rocky start here, so I’m going to get us back on track. It is now 8:37, and we all know what that means! (gets out a newspaper) Time to read aloud from the newspaper comics! Ok, I think I’ll start out with 'The Wisenheimers'. Ok, panel one: we see Roxy Wisenheimer with some sort of rake. Wait, I can’t read from this! (guests cheer) This is yesterday’s paper. (they stop cheering as SpongeBob walks outside) I’ll just go grab today’s paper. (everyone starts to party when he leaves) (talking to himself) SpongeBob, you sure know how to throw a party. What would they do without you? (tries to open the door) Locked out? (knocks on the door. Scene cuts to Patrick and Sandy are dancing) Sandy: This song’s got a great beat.
Patrick: Yeah. Knock, knock.
SpongeBob: Gee, I wonder why they don’t hear me? (looks through the window and his eyes bug out as he wails. He sees the party, with all the guests dancing and having fun and the music blasting) Oh no! (cut to the topic cards on the floor and two fish just talking) They’re not using the topic cards! They’re ad-libbing! (cut to Patrick eating all the deviled eggs in the piñata in one gulp and everyone else cheering him on) Now they’re mad at Patrick! He’s hogging the deviled eggs! (scene cuts to two guests laughing) Look at those poor souls, they’re so bored, they’ve gone mad! Oh, no. The party’s falling into chaos without my hosting talents to guide it! (scene cuts to Patrick and Mrs Puff talking)
Patrick: So, do you come here often?
Mrs Puff: No. (phone rings. Patrick answers)
Patrick: Hello, Squarepants residence. What? I’m sorry, what? (scene cuts to SpongeBob using a pay phone outside, across the street)
SpongeBob: Patrick, it’s me, SpongeBob!
Patrick: You wanna talk to SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes...no, Patrick! I’m SpongeBob! I’m outside!
Patrick: Ok, hold on. (opens door) SpongeBob, you out here? Phone’s for you! (SpongeBob runs toward the door. Patrick closes it in front of him) Sorry, he’s not here.
Scooter: Hey, dude, if you’re looking for SpongeBob, he’s over by the punch bowl.
Patrick: Thanks. (Patrick hands the phone to an ice sculpture of SpongeBob’s head) Here you go, SpongeBob. (drops the phone in the punch)
SpongeBob: Phone in punch bowl? That’s not even on the schedule! (looks up noticing the bathroom window is open. Scene cuts to Larry looking in the window)
Larry: Larry, my man, you are looking good enough to eat! (the mirror shows a real lobster on a plate) Could use a little teeth whitener, though. I’m sure SpongeBob won’t mind. (looks through the medicine cabinet. He finds a comb with three angles and teeth coming out from them) Hey, check out his crazy comb!
SpongeBob: Oh no, sounds like someone’s rummaging through my medicine cabinet! (climbs up the side of his house) I hope they don’t touch my special comb.
Larry: Well, I think I’ve aired it up enough. (Larry closes the window on SpongeBob’s fingers. SpongeBob falls down screaming. Larry hears the screams) Hey, this party’s finally starting to pick up. (SpongeBob lands flat on the ground then gets up and looks at his fingers) I hope this doesn’t interfere with finger puppet theater at 9:20! If I don’t get back inside soon and restore order, there might not be enough time for the scheduled events! (scene cuts to inside where Pearl and Mrs Puff talking to each other)
Pearl: Gee, SpongeBob really knows how to throw a great party! Mrs Puff: Oh yes, everything is quite lovely. (sees SpongeBob spying through the window) Eww, although I don’t care for his taste of paintings. (turns the window around)
SpongeBob: I don’t even know how that happened. Well, I have no choice. I’m gonna have to tunnel back in! (takes a shovel and digs. Digs up into the middle of the party) Ok, everybody, don’t panic, the host has returned. (guests are hopping around the room. They hop on SpongeBob and send him through the hole he dug) I can take losing the topic cards and the phone in the punch bowl... (now wearing a bunny suit) ...but I was supposed to lead the bunny hop! This is a bunch of barnacles! (takes a pick-axe to cut the door but a bright light shines at him)
Officer Nancy: Well, well, well. What do we have here? A burglar bunny. Why do they do it, O’Malley?
Officer Malley: I don’t know. It’s probably how he gets his kicks.
Officer Nancy: You criminals make me sick.
SpongeBob: I’m no criminal! I live here! I’m...I’m throwing a party. I got locked out, I swear!
Officer Nancy: (smiles) Well why didn’t you say so? What a terrible misunderstanding!
Officer Malley: You have a nice party now, sir. (both walk off)
SpongeBob: Boy, for a second there, I thought I was going to be arrested for breaking into my own house. What an ironic twist that would have been.
Officer Nancy: Hey, wait a second, if you’re throwing a party. Why weren’t we invited?
SpongeBob: But, I didn’t know. Plan Your Own Party Kit didn’t mention the police.
Officer Malley: Whoa, whoa, ok, motor-mouth, tell it to the judge. (handcuffs SpongeBob but the handcuffs are not working) Oh no, these cuffs are broken.
Officer Nancy: Huh, can’t bring him in in broken cuffs. I got an old pair in the car we can use.
SpongeBob: Is it too late to offer you some punch?
Officer Malley: Sir, you have the right to remain silent. (scene cuts to next day)
SpongeBob: All night in the stony lonesome in a bunny outfit! (tries to open the door) Oh, yeah, the door’s locked. (lifts up the welcome mat) Good thing I keep a spare key under the mat. (walks in) Oh, look at this place! This party was a complete disaster. (Patrick walks up)
Patrick: That was the greatest party any of us have ever been to!
SpongeBob: It was?
Patrick: Oh, without a doubt, you are the best party-thrower ever!
SpongeBob: I am?
Patrick: Yeah! Whatever you did, you should write it down and do it again next weekend. Thanks again, SpongeBob. See ya! (walks out)
SpongeBob: Squarepants, you’ve done it again. I guess I know how to throw a party after all. (Gary's got a lampshade on his head) Gary! Well it looks like you had a good time.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Good night, Gary.

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