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Episode Transcript: Help Wanted
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Episode Article: Help Wanted
[edit] Characters
[edit] Dialogue
(as the episode, and by extension the whole series, begins, we see a coral reef under the sea. Camera zooms in to initiate parallax scrolling, which reveals the city of Bikini Bottom. It continues zooming in, cross-fading to show a brown rock, a Moai head, and a pineapple, which each contain inhabitants. Throughout this, an unseen male narrator, who speaks in a French accent, says the first lines of the entire series)
French Narrator: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life, home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly. (cut to the pineapple house's bedroom. A sea snail is seen sleeping near a pile of newspapers on the floor, a scallop is seen in a birdcage, and SpongeBob SquarePants, who is revealed to be a young, optimistic square-shaped sea sponge, is seen sleeping in his bed, snoring as his foghorn alarm clock ticks. SpongeBob's alarm then sounds. He wakes, but is unaffected by the annoying sound, and with a smile on his face, turns it off. Then, he climbs from his bed to a ladder, leading to a diving board)
SpongeBob SquarePants: (first line) Today's the big day, Gary!
Gary the Snail: (first line) Meow.
SpongeBob: (jumps on his diving board) Look at me! I'm... (jumps up, leaving his underwear behind) ...naked! (lands inside his pants, then walks over to the exercise room. His head pops out of the top of his pants) Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: (taking deep breaths, he prepares to lift a barbell that is balanced by two lightweight stuffed animals. Sticks out his chest, but almost passes out because he can barely lift it. Drops it, and it makes a "squeak" noise) I'M READY!! (runs outside) I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready! (the rock tilts upwards with a dim-witted starfish stuck to its underside)
Starfish: (first line) Go, SpongeBob! (falls) Whoa! (crash sound effect is heard; in the 1997 version, the next sequence happens)
SpongeBob: (1997 version only) I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! (jumps in the air and the scene freeze-frames as his name appears)
French Narrator: (1997 version only) SpongeBob SquarePants! (a short sequence happens: SpongeBob is shown running through various landscapes, ending with a frozen scene of SpongeBob standing in front of the Krusty Krab. The scene unfreezes and then the episode continues as normal; the entire sequence is not featured in the version that made it to air)
SpongeBob: (runs down the street to the Krusty Krab) There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Krusty Krab, Home of the Krabby Patty... with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look 'im straight in the eye, (looks the camera in the eye in such a way that he appears to be looking the viewers in the eye) lay it on the line, and I can't do this! (starts to run home, but the starfish from earlier blocks his way) Patrick!
Patrick Star: Where do you think you're going?
SpongeBob: I was just--
Patrick: (cutting him off) No you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get, that, job!
SpongeBob: I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Patrick: Whose first words were, "May I take your order?"
SpongeBob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
SpongeBob: I did.
Patrick: Who's a... (grimaces and contorts, trying to think of a good third line) ...uh, who's uhh... (grimaces and contorts again, this time thinking even harder) oh! Who's a big yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready? (does a split)
SpongeBob: I'm ready! (does a split as well. With his confidence restored, he runs toward the restaurant. There, an octopus is spraying the glass windows, cleaning graffiti of himself with the word "Loser." He sees SpongeBob)
Octopus: (sighs; first lines) Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?
SpongeBob: (in the background, at first while the octopus was talking) I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go self! (the octopus notices the "Help Wanted" sign, screams and runs inside to warn his boss; in the background) I'm ready!
Octopus: Mr. Krabs! (cut to the ordering window, where a red greedy crab, Krusty Krab owner Eugene H. Krabs, is happily sniffing a handful of money. Runs up to him) Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you-- (gets interrupted by SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (off-screen) Permission to come aboard, captain! (cut to SpongeBob, casting a shadow across the restaurant; deep voice) I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, (regular voice) and now I'm ready. (while walking, he accidentally steps on a nail stuck in the floorboard, causing him to trip. The octopus and Mr. Krabs just stare at each other. The force of his fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling. Shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. Finally rolls to a stop at the feet of the octopus and Mr. Krabs) So, uh, when do I start?
Eugene H. Krabs: (first line) Well, lad, it seems like you don't even have your sea legs.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please! I'll prove I'm fry cook material! Ask Squidward! He'll vouch for me. (Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk to the corner)
Squidward Tentacles: (breathes deeply) No. (Mr. Krabs winks. The two walk back over to SpongeBob, who looks completely puzzled at what he's hearing)
Mr. Krabs: Well, lad, we'll give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go fetch me... (SpongeBob pulls out a notepad) a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula... (SpongeBob quickly jots down what he says) with, ah, port-and-starboard-attachments, (SpongeBob jots that down too) and turbo drive! (SpongeBob jots that down as well) And don't come back 'til you get one! (puts a Krusty Krab hat on SpongeBob. SpongeBob, overjoyed, looks at himself in the mirror; there are sparkles on his hat, and he has a huge, satisfied smile. He then gets serious)
SpongeBob: (saluting Mr. Krabs) Aye aye, captain! (reading) One hydrodynamic spatula, port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir!
Mr. Krabs: Carry on! (SpongeBob leaves; to Squidward) We'll never see that lubber again.
Squidward: You're terrible! A hydro-what? (the two laugh. While Squidward laughs, his nose moves distinctly while he inhales and exhales. Mr. Krabs' laugh sounds like a pirate. Cut to outside, where SpongeBob walks off. As he fades out of sight, five buses drive toward the Krusty Krab from the opposite direction)
Bus Driver: Hey! Hey! Please! Passengers are to stay seated and not put their fins out the window! (the buses encircle around the restaurant. The doors open. Cut to Squidward and Krabs still laughing. Krabs stops, then Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) That sounded like hatch doors! (sniffs repeatedly) Do you smell it? That smell... A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells... smelly... (his eyes widen; silently) Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: Anchovies! (many anchovies, in hoards, get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding)
Anchovies: (repeatedly) Meep! (Squidward tries to maintain some order)
Squidward: Please, please, quiet! (the anchovies stop bickering) Is this any way to behave, hmm?
Anchovy: Meep!
Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register? (the anchovies stare for a moment, then they pick up and rock the ordering boat around a bit in very violent fashion, their meeping growing more intense. Cut to SpongeBob, walking to a store shaped like a treasure chest)
SpongeBob: (singing to himself) Barg'n Mart: meeting all your spatula needs.
(cut back to Squidward and Mr. Krabs, stuck in the ordering boat, being tossed around like a ship in a storm by a literal sea of anchovies)
Mr. Krabs: All hands on deck! Get your anchors out of your pants!
Squidward: One single file line was all I asked!
Mr. Krabs: Whoa! (he and Squidward are thrown up in the air) Batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! (they get thrown back up. The boat is now in splinters) We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! (they get thrown back up again. Krabs is now clutching Squidward) I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward! (cut back to SpongeBob, shopping)
SpongeBob: (humming) Do do do do do do, spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments.
(cut back to the restaurant)
Squidward: Help! (he and Mr. Krabs are being carried by a literal wave of anchovies to the mast)
Mr. Krabs: Man overboard! (the anchovies crash into the mast and "splash." Squidward and Mr. Krabs are now holding on to either side of the mast) Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! (they climb the mast while the anchovies try to get them down)
Anchovies: they are now in the form of a tidal wave) Meep! (they crash and form another tsunami) Meep! (they crash again)
Mr. Krabs: This is the end. (shakes Squidward's pod) Goodbye, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs! (the two start to cry. Then, some blinking red lights from off-screen illuminate the two. They look up to see something)
SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, captain! (cut to show SpongeBob holding the spatula he was sent off to receive. He's using it as a propeller to keep him in the air; singing heroically) Da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da da da! Did someone order a spatula? (Squidward and Mr. Krabs stutter in shock at SpongeBob getting the hydrodynamic spatula) That's right! One hydrodynamic spatula with... (two other spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one) ...port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! (the two extending spatulas whirl around and smack Squidward and Krabs in the face) Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! (makes a double-spin and flies into the kitchen window; to anchovies) Who's hungry?
Song: Tiny Tim's "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight"
Things that bother you never bother me, I feel happy as pie, a-ha! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
Haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot, Coffee's only a dime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
Just take it from me, I'm just as free as any daughter, I do what I like, just when I like, and how I love it!
I'm right here to stay, when I'm old and gray, I'll be right in my prime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
(as the song plays, SpongeBob flies through the ordering window via spatula and crashes into the kitchen. Emerging from a box full of patty meat, he launches the patties onto the grill with his eyes. He then slices some onions, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce with the spatula. When he's done, he splits himself apart, then emerges unharmed. He then dances around the kitchen, using his feet to trigger the condiment dispensers. Then, he slides on one foot over a lavender-ish background, backing back in afterward and dancing for a few seconds as the background changes to red, blue, and yellow one-by-one. Four cards, with SpongeBob in the form of the numbers "1," "2," "3" and "4" cut in one-by-one. Next, SpongeBob serves up Krabby Patty after Krabby Patty, with another shot of him cutting the vegetables and cheese being shown at one point. Numerous Krabby Patties are launched through the order window to the hungry anchovies. Eventually, all of the anchovies are served and they leave on the buses. SpongeBob blows the spatula. Cross-fade to later)
Mr. Krabs: That was the greatest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants! Welcome aboard! (gives him a nametag with "SpongeBob" written on it)
Squidward: B-but, but, Mr. Krabs--
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!
Squidward: (weakly) Hooray, Mr.--
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip!
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr. Krabs--
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip!
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr. Krabs--
Krabs: I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. (wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of money to his office. Then, Patrick walks in)
Patrick: (raises his "hand," for lack of a better term) Good morning, Krusty Krew! (walks to the ordering boat)
Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick?
Patrick: One Krabby Patty, please. (as if as a signal, accompanied by "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight," SpongeBob flies back through the ordering window via spatula to the kitchen. A wave of Krabby Patties is immediately fired through the servery and Patrick gets hit. Cut to outside, where a screaming Patrick is flung out the door while crashing sounds are heard)
Squidward: (offscreen, from inside the Krusty Krab) Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee!
Song: Tiny Tim's "Living In The Sunlight, Loving In The Moonlight"
Things that bother you never bother me, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
(episode ends)
