Episode Transcript: Help Wanted
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Episode Article: Help Wanted
Announcer: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life, home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly. (The giant foghorn wakes up SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Today's the big day, Gary!
SpongeBob: Look at me! I'm naked! (Gets His Pants On) Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob tries to throw a weight) I'M READY!! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!
Starfish: Go SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab, Home of the Krabby Patty. With a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and I can't do this! (he runs, but Patrick blocks his way) Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
SpongeBob: I was just....
Patrick: (cutting him off) No you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get that job!
SpongeBob: I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Patrick: Whose first words were, "May I take your order?"
SpongeBob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
SpongeBob: I did.
Patrick: Who's a.... (thinks) ....uh, who's.... (thinks even harder) ....who's a big yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready? (Does a split)
SpongeBob: I'm ready!! (with his confidence restored, he runs toward the restaurant. There, An Octopus is spraying the glass windows to eliminate graffiti of himself with the word 'Loser.' He sees SpongeBob.)
Octopus: Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?
SpongeBob: (in background) Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go self! Go self! (The Octopus noticed the 'Help Wanted' sign and runs inside.)
Octopus: Mr. Krabs! (cut to the ordering window, where Mr. Krabs is smelling a handful of money. Squidward runs up to him) Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you... (too late.)
SpongeBob: (off-screen) Permission to come aboard, captain! (cut to SpongeBob, casting a shadow across the restaurant) (manly voice) I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, (regular voice) And now I'm ready. (while walking, he accidentally steps on a nail. He trips and bounces all over the last. The Octopus and Mr. Krabs just stare at each other. SpongeBob finally comes to a stop) So, uh, when do I start?
Krabs: Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your sea legs.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please. I'll prove I'm fry cook material. Ask Squidward! He'll vouch for me.
(Krabs and Squidward walk to the corner, where Squidward puts it plain and simple.)
Squidward: No. (Krabs winks. The two walk back over.)
Krabs: Well lad, we'll give you a test and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go fetch me... (SpongeBob pulls out a notepad) a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula with, ah, port-and-starboard-attachments, and turbo drive! And don't come back till you get one! (Krabs puts a Krusty Krab hat on SpongeBob. SpongeBob, overjoyed, looks at himself in the mirror. He then gets serious)
SpongeBob: Aye aye, captain! (reading) One hydrodynamic spatula, port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir! (he leaves)
Krabs: Hurry on! (to Squidward) We'll never see that lad again.
Squidward: You're terrible! A hydro-what? (the two laugh. Cut to outside, where SpongeBob walks off. Just then, five boats come and encircle around the restaurant. The doors open. Cut to Squidward and Krabs still laughing. Krabs stops, then Squidward.)
Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors! (Krabs smells something, then close in on his wiggling eyes.) Do you smell it? That smell. The kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells? smelly. (his eyes bug open) (silently) Anchovies.
Krabs: Anchovies!!! (the anchovies come in, hoards of them, just swarming and swarming. Squidward tries to maintain some order)
Squidward: Please, please, quiet! (the anchovies stop bickering) Is this any way to behave, hmm?
Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register?
(moment of silence, then the anchovies rock the ordering boat around a bit, very violently I might add. Cut to SpongeBob, walking to a store shaped like a treasure chest.)
SpongeBob: Barg'n Mart: meeting all your spatula needs. (cut back to Squidward and Mr. Krabs, stuck in the ordering boat and being swung across, literally a sea of anchovies.)
Squidward: One single file line was all I asked! (cut to the ship being thrown up)
Krabs: Button down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! (getting thrown back up, the ship is in pieces) We're taking on water,
Mr. Squidward! (getting thrown back up again, Krabs is holding Squidward) I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward! (cut back to SpongeBob, shopping)
SpongeBob: (humming) Spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments? (cut back to the restaurant, where Squidward and Krabs are hanging onto a pole)
Krabs: Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! (they do climb and tidal wave after tidal wave of anchovies nears closer and closer) Well, this is the end. Good-bye, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs! (the two start to cry. Then, some blinking red lights from off-screen illuminate the two. They look up to see, SpongeBob with the spatula he was sent off to receive. He's using it as a propeller to keep him in air. He sings a tune as he arrives.)
SpongeBob: Did someone order a spatula? (Squidward and Mr. Krabs babble to themselves on how he obtained this) One hydrodynamic spatula with (two other spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one) port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! (the two extending spatulas whirl around and smack Squidward and Krabs around) Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! (SpongeBob makes a double-spin and flies into the kitchen window) (to anchovies) Who's hungry?
Song: Tiny Tim "Living In The Sunlight, Loving In The Moonlight":
Things that bother you never bother me, I feel happy as pie, a-ha! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
Haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot, Coffee's only a dime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
Just take it from me, I'm just as free as any daughter, I do what I like, just when I like, and how I love it!
I'm right here to stay, when I'm old and gray, I'll be right in my prime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.
Krabs: That was the greatest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants! Welcome aboard! (Krabs gives him a nametag with 'SpongeBob' written on it.)
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs-
Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!
Squidward: (weakly) Hooray, Mr.-
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr.-
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr. Krabs!
Krabs: I'll be in my quarters, counting the booty. (he proceeds to drive a wheelbarrow full of money into his office. Then, Patrick walks in.)
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Crew!
Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick?
Patrick: One Krabby Patty please. (as if as a signal, SpongeBob flies back through the ordering window via spatula and
starts doing some stuff. Cut to outside, where Patrick gets hit by a wave of Krabby Patties and is flung out the door.)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee....
End Song: Tiny Tim "Living In The Sunlight, Loving In The Moonlight":
Things that bother you never bother me, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.