Episode Transcript: The Paper

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Valentine's Day Arrgh!

Episode Article: The Paper



Squidward: (walks out and sits on his lawn chair) Ah, time to relax. (takes out some gum and puts it in his mouth. Throws the gum wrapper away in front of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob's pineapple moves forward closer to the wrapper and he opens the door)

SpongeBob: (gasps) Squidward!

Squidward: (spits out gum) Well, time to go. (folds up the lawn chair and walks to his front door but SpongeBob stops him)

SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, wait!

Squidward: Now what?

SpongeBob: You dropped this little piece of paper.

Squidward: Yeah, so what?

SpongeBob: I just figured you probably want it back.

Squidward: What’s the big deal? It’s only garbage?

SpongeBob: Garbage? But, Squidward, in the right hands, this paper is a gold mine of entertainment. A spectacular afternoon of underwater fun. A treasure trove of...

Squidward: ...garbage. (walks inside his house)

SpongeBob: So you don’t want it?

Squidward: Right! (closes door)

SpongeBob: Does that mean I can have it?

Squidward: Yes, by all means, take it. (phone rings. Picks it up) Hello?

SpongeBob: You sure?

Squidward: Yes! For the final time, I don’t want that paper. It’s yours forever and ever! (hangs up and sighs. SpongeBob appears from under the table where the phone is. Squidward screams)

SpongeBob: Are you definitely, positively sure?

Squidward: Get out!

SpongeBob: But are you...


SpongeBob: Last chance to change your mind, Squidward.

Squidward: Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me, no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry, don’t give that paper back to me...ever!

SpongeBob: So, I take that as a possible no? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? (Squidward closes the door) Ok, Squidward, that’s a promise I’ll just have to keep. Ah, Mr Paper, I am so lucky to have a friend like Squidward.

Squidward: (walking up to his clarinet) SpongeBob... (SpongeBob is laughing outside. Squidward tries to play his clarinet but Squidward gets annoyed by SpongeBob's laughter so he peeks out the window) What in the world are you giggling about?

SpongeBob: I’m sorry, Squidward, it’s just... (giggles) ...it’s just that I’m thinking of all the fun I’m going to have with this piece of paper! (Squidward walks back and picks up his clarinet)

Squidward: How can anyone have fun with just a piece of paper? (Squidward plays his clarinet but has to stop due to SpongeBob's laughter continuing) Ohh...what can he possibly be doing with that paper?! (peeks out his window and SpongeBob is running around with the piece of paper high, above his head)

SpongeBob: La, la, la, la, la. Gary, watch this! (twists his lower part of his body around and puts the piece of paper in it so it hangs out. Turns his lower body around) Guess what I am.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Well, yes, Gary, I am a sponge with paper stuck in his pants, but I’m also... (deep voice) Super Sponge: soaking up crime. See, here’s my cape. (blows on the piece of paper to make it look like a cape in the wind)

Squidward: Super-moron’s more like it.

SpongeBob: Now I’m... (jumps into the air and stands on his pineapple with no clothes on but the piece of paper in the middle of lower half of his body) SpongeBob Junglepants! (does Tarzan impression)

Squidward: Oh, boy.

SpongeBob: Ugh. SpongeBob Junglepants summon animal friends. (he roars like a lion, makes bird calls, makes a raspberry, makes horn noises, dolphin noises and seal noises)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You’re right Gary. I’m not a jungle boy. I’m a box of army supplies. (jumps off his pineapple with his clothes on) Bringing relief to the hungry troops! (has the paper act as a parachute and floats down to the ground. We see Squidward watching from a safe distance) Landing just in time for the bullfight! (he waves the paper in front of Gary) Toro, toro, Gary! Toro, toro! Toro, Gary, toro... (pushes Gary across with his foot) Hey, ole! Now for some impressions. A guy with a moustache. (pust the piece of paper where a mustache would be) Look at me, I’m a guy with a moustache. A pirate with an eye patch. (puts the paper over one eye) Arrgh, I’m a pirate. A regular guy with an eye patch. (puts the paper over one eye) Arrgh, I am not a pirate.

Squidward: Do a big yellow idiot with a stupid piece of paper. (SpongeBob is rolling the piece of paper on the top of his head. Then he sucks in the paper through one of his holes. Blows it in and out of his holes) How did he do that?

SpongeBob: Look, Gary, oralgami. (puts the paper in his mouth and sticks his tongue out with a bird shape for the paper)

Kids: Bird! Yay! (SpongeBob does it again and comes out as a snowflake) Snowflake, yay! (SpongeBob does it again and comes out as a doll) Paper doll, yay!

Squidward: Hey, that little paper does seem like fun. (puts his hand over his mouth) What am I saying?! I am such an idiot. (laughs) SpongeBob, honestly, and his dumb paper. He calls that fun? (opens up a magazine and starts reading it) Now, reading ‘Boring Science Digest,’ that’s fun. (laughs at what the magazine says inside) Erosion. (laughs) Mitosis. (SpongeBob laughs. Later, Squidward is bathing) See, I can have fun taking a bath. (the paper comes flying through the window as an airplane and flies around Squidward a couple times. Then shoots the rubber duck and flies back out the window. The rubber duck sinks under the water. Later, Squidward is painting) Painting fruit, there’s nothing more fun than painting fruit. This is more fun than anything. (SpongeBob is laughing outside. Squidward paints but he paints himself with the piece of paper over his nose. When he notices this, he tears up his painting) I'll prove to him that paper is not fun! (runs outside and whistles while playing paddleball) I’m having fun, la-la-la...

SpongeBob: (bouncing the piece of paper off his nose like it was a paddleball) Isn’t this great? La-la-la-la-la... (SpongeBob jumps up and down) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Squidward: Hey, SpongeBob, top this one. (takes out a centriloquist doll that looks exactly like him) Hey, little Squidward, what’s gray and ugly and has six arms?

Little Squidward: I don’t know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?

Squidward: What did you... (SpongeBob laughs)

SpongeBob: Oh, that’s a good one, Squidward, now let me try. (folds the paper in half) Have you heard any good jokes, Mr Paper?

Paper: What happened to the paper that fell in the ocean?

SpongeBob: I don’t know, what happened to the paper that fell in the ocean?

Paper: It was all washed up! (a bunch of people come up and laugh with SpongeBob then leave. Squidward runs off)

SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Squidward: (riding a shell mobile) Haha, I’m having so much fun with my new shell-cart. Ah-haha. Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this? (SpongeBob comes down with the paper acting as a helicopter)

SpongeBob: Nope. (flies away while Squidward drives his shell-cart through the side of his house. Then he comes uot with his clarinet)

Squidward: Well, you can’t play music with a piece of paper! (plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' off-key. Little black musical note symbols fall out of the clarinet)

SpongeBob: (applauding) Hooray! Hooray! That was great, Squidward. All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.

Squidward: What? I didn’t play any wrong notes. (plays the song off-key again)

SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you’re playing it like this... (plays his piece of paper as the clarinet with the note symbols coming out) ...when ordinarily it goes like this... (plays the song on-key) I’m partial to doing it in the key of A-minor myself. (plays the song in high notes. A music sheet appears) Ah, nothing like a duet between buddies, eh, Squidward?

Squidward: (grabs the paper but SpongeBob holds onto it) Give me my paper back! Now let go of it. I said let go of it! (SpongeBob still holding on to it) Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go... (jumps up and down)

SpongeBob: I can’t!

Squidward: What do you mean you can’t? (SpongeBob moves Squidward's hand off the piece of paper)

SpongeBob: I can’t! You made me promise no matter how much you begged, and pleaded, and cried not to give the paper back to you ever.

Squidward: I never said anything like that!

SpongeBob: Sure you did, Squidward, look. (folds the paper a few times to make it look like a flip-book to what Squidward said earlier in the day)

Squidward: Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me, no matter how much I may beg and plead and cry, don’t give that paper back to me… ever!

SpongeBob: Wanna see it again?

Squidward: No, I don’t wanna see it again! Just give me that paper.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, I am sworn to a promise. (walks off) Maybe I should get going.

Squidward: Wait, wait, maybe we can trade for something. (looks around for something to trade) Yeah-yeah, something, something... (reaches in his pocket and takes out something) A-ha, wait up, SpongeBob! Wait! Hold on there, chum. (chuckles) I’m going to make you an offer. (SpongeBob looks to see what he has)

SpongeBob: Wow, pocket lint! (shows link and rubberband in Squidward's hand) You drive a hard bargain, Squidward. Paper for lint, hmmm...

Squidward: Not the lint, the rubber band!

SpongeBob: The rubber band? Do I dare?

Squidward: Oh, dare, dare!

SpongeBob: (begins to reach for it) Ok... (stops) Oh, I get it. You’re just testing me. Don’t worry, Squidward, I won’t let you down. A promise is a promise.

Squidward: Listen, you! (puts his nose against SpongeBob's nose) You are not going anywhere until we strike a deal. (later, Squidward is bringing a TV over to SpongeBob's side in a wheelbarrow) Gotta get that paper. (walks back to get more)

SpongeBob: Squidward? (keeps walking back and forth with more stuff)

Squidward: Trade... (walks back)

SpongeBob: Hey, listen.... (Squidward brings his house over)

Squidward: Everything must go! Well, that’s the last of it. (all of Squidward's possessions are beside SpongeBob) I’ve given you everything but the shirt off my back. (SpongeBob looks at the paper)

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, is this still part of the test? Because it’s...it’s really getting harder and harder to keep my promise.

Squidward: Ok, the shirt! (takes his short off) Take it! Take my shirt!

SpongeBob: Squidward’s shirt. I’ve always loved that shirt. Ok, ok, I’ll trade! (puts the shirt on) I can break a promise for this. Squidward, do you want your other stuff, cause this is all I’ll need?

Squidward: You can have all that junk, ‘cause now I’ve got this! I’ve got the paper, and you’ve got my useless garbage. (puts the paper on his butt and waves it at SpongeBob) I got it! Haha and you can’t have it. (runs around SpongeBob) I got it, you’re a sucker. You’re a sucker, sucker. (laughs) At last, what should we try first, Mr Paper? Impressions! A guy with a piece of paper on his nose. (puts the paper on his nose) Look at me! I’m a guy with a piece of paper...on his...nose. Hmmm. A-ha! Wait, wait, wait, wait... (puts the paper in his mouth and sticks his tongue out revealing a wadded up piece of paper that is wet) Tada!

Kids: Boo! (Squidward dries off the piece of paper)

Squidward: Ok, ok, uhh, helicopter! (puts the piece of paper on his fingers) Gentlemen, start your engines. I’m flying! Oh yeah, I’m flying! I’m flying! That’s right, that’s right, here we go now. (bends up and down trying to fly) I’m flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying... (sighs) ...flying. (SpongeBob is looking at himself in the mirror with Squidward's shirt still on him while Gary is playing his clarinet) Wait, more impressions. A guy throwing a piece of paper on the ground! (trhwos it on the ground) A guy stomping on the piece of paper (stomps on the paper then picks it up) I’m a guy who traded everything he owns for a...

Patrick: (walks up to Squidward chewing gum) ...a worthless piece of paper. (Patrick grabs the paper) Hey, thanks, it’s just what I needed, Squidward. (blows a gum bubble then puts the gum on the piece of paper and throws it behind him in the garbage can Nice shirt, SpongeBob. (laughs)

Squidward: Anybody have any sunscreen?

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